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Author Topic: How do you deal your anger/frustration from past events?  (Read 429 times)
LilHurt420
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« on: September 22, 2014, 03:25:00 PM »

How do you deal with your anger or frustration from things the BPD has done to you in the past?  When things calm down and my uBPDh says "sorry" and expects me to just forget it, it now becomes my fault if I continue being mad or upset.

After a huge rage a few weeks ago where I was pretty set on heading towards divorce, things calmed down and he again convinced me to stay.  Being 6 months pregnant isn't really helping the situation.

I just found out last weekend that during that rage he threw away a pair of $200 jeans I had and some $400 leather boots my mother had brought me for Xmas a few years ago.  I've been trying to stay calm, but harbor some real resentment for this (among other things).  Some of that resentment came out yesterday when he told me how as my husband it's his job to protect me and I couldn't help but let him know that he doesn't protect me, he hurts me the most.  So now he's back into a dysregulation (staying up all night long, lying and trying to make me believe he told me something he absolutely didn't, ignoring me, etc).

I'm trying my best... .but wanted to know how others deal with it?
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wilsonian
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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2014, 03:43:47 PM »

lilhurt... I know the pain... anger... frustration built up inside you... .myself I was like that for months... .then I did couple things... .first I changed the way I react to my emotions... .basically a stop... look... listen then react in a way where no triggers go off and ends the confrontation... sometimes just saying I am leaving for certain time and leave... .other times just let her rage throw things and carry on and just make sure I was safe... plus as far as destroying things that's what they are is things... I truly love my wife and my vows were not only till death do us part but also 1 Corinthian 13;4-7... anyway there is light at end of the tunnel... .We just finished 2 months of no raging or bitter words... .its pretty awesome seeing the girl I knew 35 years ago in high school... dont get me wrong like all couple we spat but I am always thinking in my head the thing we learned in school crossing the street... .stop... look... .listen then proceed... .works for me... and yes the second thing that helps myself more then all... .prayer
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Indyan
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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2014, 03:59:03 PM »

Wow Wilsonian, you sound like you've reached a state where your wife's behavious just slips over you

Lilhurt, I think there are things we just can't forgive with a kiss and a smile.

But if we say so (and hence impose our boundaries), that's when real trouble begins... .

Is it your first baby? Do you have other children from previous marriage or with your BPDh?



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LilHurt420
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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2014, 04:07:42 PM »

Wow Wilsonian, you sound like you've reached a state where your wife's behavious just slips over you

Lilhurt, I think there are things we just can't forgive with a kiss and a smile.

But if we say so (and hence impose our boundaries), that's when real trouble begins... .

Is it your first baby? Do you have other children from previous marriage or with your BPDh?

This is our 2nd... .we also have 5yo son.  This morning I felt so bad because I started to react to my husband dysregulating.  When he tried to tell me that he told me I had to bring our son to school today (he works at the same school) because he had to be there early, and I couldn't because I had a dentist appointment... .I started to get worked up and was loud.  Our son heard and said to me "mom you and dad did this a lot last year, but it's the first time you've done it this year... .can you not yell at each other."  That made me cry and stop what I was doing and I rushed our son to get ready so he could make it out the door with my husband.  He knows involving our son hurts me to the most, so that's his go to.  I went out and brought a white board for the fridge so we can write down who is bringing him to school and picking him up each day, but when I asked my H for his schedule earlier he just ignored me (that would mean if it's written down he can't go back and try to make be believe other wise later).  I'm really trying here... .but the resentment for the things he does when he's in a rage or dysregulation are really wearing on me.

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Indyan
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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2014, 04:35:36 PM »

Yes, it's really hard when we're pregnant and looking after another child as well (and have a BPDh)

I also have a D10, not his daughter though.

When I was about 7 months pregnant, I had some very bad back pain for a few days - I could barely walk. The first evening it happened, I went to lie down (crying with pain, it was that bad), and he warmed up a soup from the previous day and gave me a bowl. He said I didn't need to worry, that he'd have dinner with my daughter.

The next morning, he was gone to work, and there was no school. I forced myself to get up and found the kitchen like never before : a ton of pans to wash, no room on the table to have breakfast etc.

I actually had to clear everything up (with help from my daughter) before I could even have breakfast. i couldn't leave things as they were as at the time our apartment was small and there was no other place to sit and eat.

When I told him in the evening "Please never leave the kitchen in such a state again" he hit the roof.

And it escaladated to the point where he told me he'd leave me for good.
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Pou
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« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2014, 04:57:31 PM »

How do you deal with your anger or frustration from things the BPD has done to you in the past?  When things calm down and my uBPDh says "sorry" and expects me to just forget it, it now becomes my fault if I continue being mad or upset.

After a huge rage a few weeks ago where I was pretty set on heading towards divorce, things calmed down and he again convinced me to stay.  Being 6 months pregnant isn't really helping the situation.

I just found out last weekend that during that rage he threw away a pair of $200 jeans I had and some $400 leather boots my mother had brought me for Xmas a few years ago.  I've been trying to stay calm, but harbor some real resentment for this (among other things).  Some of that resentment came out yesterday when he told me how as my husband it's his job to protect me and I couldn't help but let him know that he doesn't protect me, he hurts me the most.  So now he's back into a dysregulation (staying up all night long, lying and trying to make me believe he told me something he absolutely didn't, ignoring me, etc).

I'm trying my best... .but wanted to know how others deal with it?

Lilhurt420.  My 2cents is this … a good relationship, after fights, will lead to apologies and remediation.  Fights are inevitable in any relationships.  However, if the fights are being provoked for no logical reasons.  For example, if you two are discussing something and just because you two disagree and it then it quickly escalate to unfounded attacks and lies made up just to attack you.  And no apologies ever issued … and even when you try to make up, he blocks you out or simply ignores you.  Then you got problems.  In my uNPDw case, she never apologize and even when I am ok with no apologies and want to make up for the sake of family, she ignores it and really make up more stuff about me to make sure we could never heal.  So this has been going on for 7 plus years, any normal person would be driven nuts.  After a few years, I was at my wits end, but due to my kids… I stuck around and horrible things happened, not a single apology from her and no act of reconciliatory action, shoot me down for my peace offering ... again and again.  Secretly, I wish to get out so I can stay sane eventually … I value my kids more… so I gladly stay.  My wife has driven all my family away because every time we get together, she isolates her self from my family and she will only allow us to be with them for no more then a day (we only see each other like a couple times a year, while my mom is only 2.5 hours away).  Anyway, I bring up my own experience is put your experience in perspective.  My view is this.  If you love your husband, if he says sorry, and if you would accept his apology, then I think that should be end of it.  However, both of you should be clear about what went wrong and he must know and acknowledge his fault.  If he continues to rage without any good reason, then PD is likely the issue and that will be hard to fix.  Also, materialist things can be replaced and you should offer him a chance to replace them and set rules like perhaps he will have to compensate 2x value at least because they are sentimental to you.  Now, if he plays by your rules and willing to listen … perhaps, he has anger management problem … at least he never resorted to physical violence.  So if you two still love each other, to me, it looks like there are room for working it out.  Of course, this will base on the fact if his apologies are sincere and you will only know if he takes actions by listening to you.  And of course, you will be rational in your suggested approach in settling the score.  Once you propose a solution and he follows, then I think you will have to give your relationship another chance to grow.  Lots "ifs" … but my view is that realizing my wife has PD was almost like being pronounced with a death sentence.  Because I fell in love with her and honestly, I don't think I could love anyone like I loved her before … but now, feeling hopeless and incapable to love again, it is very depressing.  So if you two can fix it and your husband is on the lighter spectrum of PD, then I wish you well in working things out.

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2014, 06:16:22 PM »

I can relate to this. There are times when I think that I have an issue resolved inside myself only to have it come up again. As I am reading and trying to actually feel my feelings, I am coming up with a lot of resentments. It is frustrating for me because I know that holding onto resentments or hurts is no good. It is poisonous yet I still find myself being angry, frustrated, and resentful. For me, I think part of the problem is that I have tried to talk myself out of my feelings. I have tried to normalize and excuse his behavior to the point of having a completely twisted and distorted view of things. As I am untwisting things, I am having to deal with things that have previously been suppressed or ignored by me.

I try to tell myself that it is okay to be mad. I am working on validating my own feelings. Why do I need him to admit what he did wrong? Why do I need him to apologize? Why do I need him to acknowledge my feelings?

When I get mad about things, I try not to bring them up with my spouse unless I think it is a "safe" topic. If he screws up something of mine or accidentally sabatoges stuff for me, I try to fix it myself and deal with my emotions on my own. I have started talking to friends and family more. And, posting on this forum helps. I have protected my husband and kept my mouth shut for so long that I have lots of unresolved issues. Just when I think I have things figured out, something will happen that will knock me off kilter and I feel like I am starting back over at square one. 
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« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2014, 05:37:03 AM »

However, if the fights are being provoked for no logical reasons. 

This is a great thread... .keep it up.

One thing I wanted to point out... .is logical from what point of view.  pwBPD tend to have a very different point of view... .but luckily that point of view tends to be predictable. 

Also... .their view of the past tends to be a bit different that ours (nons).  Their reality seems more immediate... .less influenced by the past.

For me:  I'm more in Wilsonian's camp.  Fire up some prayer, try to think about things before I say them.  If I'm saying something to get even with past actions... .usually bad.  If I want to correct a view of the past... .again... usually bad.

As a "non" there is going to be a lot of stuff you have to let go.

Figuring out your values will help immensely.  If material things really matter... if the r/s really matters... .which matters more. 

Once that is clear... .let your actions fall in line.

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« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2014, 06:31:34 AM »

You will never be in sync with a pwBPDs ability to ramp it up and down quickly. Hence you end up in resentment, it shows and they accuse you of being immature and bearing grudges. That is all part of the disorder.

Not following them up and down in their extremes is the best you can do. Once you can learn to minimize conflict, and accept that some "tantrums" with destructive consequences will occur, your resentment starts to reduce to more periodic frustrations.

It takes a long time but you can allow things to not bug you as much and hence get through them more readily.

Doesn't mean everything should be forgive and forget, Even in healthy RS's there are fights, just make it only about really important stuff and stay in control of it with appropriate boundaries. Most importantly work on not being reactive in the moment.
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« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2014, 06:39:49 AM »

Once you can learn to minimize conflict

Early on in my journey to do this... .it felt like I "lost" many arguments/conflicts.  Maybe I did... .who knows... .but I do know that reducing conflict was more important that being "right" or "winning".

Once I started seeing the benefits of this it became easier and easier to do.

There are still areas where I feel like standing my ground... .but by and large... .I let conflict go.

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« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2014, 07:07:16 AM »

There are still areas where I feel like standing my ground... .but by and large... .I let conflict go.

As a result when you stand your ground it has a greater impact, as it is not lost in the rest of the lesser issues.

Burying big issues beneath lots of lesser issues is a big problem in the BPD world as a result of a pwBPDs diminished ability to prioritize what is important.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2014, 09:23:32 AM »

I can relate to this. There are times when I think that I have an issue resolved inside myself only to have it come up again. As I am reading and trying to actually feel my feelings, I am coming up with a lot of resentments. It is frustrating for me because I know that holding onto resentments or hurts is no good. It is poisonous yet I still find myself being angry, frustrated, and resentful. For me, I think part of the problem is that I have tried to talk myself out of my feelings. I have tried to normalize and excuse his behavior to the point of having a completely twisted and distorted view of things. As I am untwisting things, I am having to deal with things that have previously been suppressed or ignored by me.

I try to tell myself that it is okay to be mad. I am working on validating my own feelings. Why do I need him to admit what he did wrong? Why do I need him to apologize? Why do I need him to acknowledge my feelings?

When I get mad about things, I try not to bring them up with my spouse unless I think it is a "safe" topic. If he screws up something of mine or accidentally sabatoges stuff for me, I try to fix it myself and deal with my emotions on my own. I have started talking to friends and family more. And, posting on this forum helps. I have protected my husband and kept my mouth shut for so long that I have lots of unresolved issues. Just when I think I have things figured out, something will happen that will knock me off kilter and I feel like I am starting back over at square one. 

This is exactly how I feel.  I think a lot of the problem, for me, is that I'm never really allowed to feel my feelings.  Even in the moments after a rage or dysregulation where he's thrown away or broken things of value to me, called me names, etc... .once he's decided to snap out of it I'm supposed to just forget everything he's done and not feel resentment or feel mad about it.  I try to bury those feelings for the sake of our family but the more these things happen the more intense they become and harder they are to keep in.  I find myself getting upset and now I just cry over the loss of control I have over my life because of him. 

I try to do everything I can to make our lives simpler and easier.  I try to navigate the rages and dysregulations but it's so hard.  I feel like my life has become just being a caretaker and cleaning up the mess from all his sabotages.  I try my best to stay one step ahead, but he always finds something to complain about.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2014, 11:51:54 AM »

This is exactly how I feel.  I think a lot of the problem, for me, is that I'm never really allowed to feel my feelings.  Even in the moments after a rage or dysregulation where he's thrown away or broken things of value to me, called me names, etc... .once he's decided to snap out of it I'm supposed to just forget everything he's done and not feel resentment or feel mad about it.  I try to bury those feelings for the sake of our family but the more these things happen the more intense they become and harder they are to keep in.  I find myself getting upset and now I just cry over the loss of control I have over my life because of him.  

I know those feelings all too well. I am working on telling myself that I do NOT need his permission to feel my feelings. I can feel my feelings and work them out on my own once everything cools down. There have been so many times I have stopped myself from normalizing or justifying his behavior. I talk to myself and say things like, "Any normal human being would be upset about this. It is okay to be upset. Not only am I upset, but I am hopping friggin' mad."

And, it is easier for me to own those feelings if I keep them to myself or share them with somebody other than him. My husband will do things without thinking and it will make my life difficult. So, I will call my brother or my friend and I will vent and I will seek a sympathetic ear elsewhere. The hardest was when I wasn't talking to anybody about anything and simply kept everything to myself. There were quite a few years that I would simply clam up and not say much to anybody about anything. When I started talking to people more openly about what was going on, they had no idea. They knew something wasn't right because I hadn't been myself but they had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with.

I was afraid of talking to others for a host of reasons. Not sure if it was to protect an image or if it was because I was afraid that they would tell me that I was being ridiculous and petty. At one point, I had tried to talk to my mother a bit and she turned it around and I ended up feeling even more crappy because she was going on about all of the great things that my husband had done. She was telling me how lucky I was to have him as a husband. And then, there is my mother in law who would tell me that my husband is just grumpy and that I need to do a better job of sucking it up and dealing with it. Now, I won't talk to those two. I discovered that I can talk to my dad or my brother and feel heard. The key for me is trying to find safer outlets. I probably say too much to people at times now but it feels so much better to come to this forum or talk to family members or friends and be completely honest. It is sometimes really scary but it is so much better than simply bottling everything up.

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« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2014, 12:20:48 PM »

LilHurt and Vortex... .I feel as though I am walking the same things you both are expressing, almost exactly! 

Lately, I have felt as though all of uBPDh's bad BPD behaviors and treatments of me have "piled up" into some chaotic heap inside me and I have felt "broken" by it all... .unsure, stressed, angry, like I'm living in an alternate reality of sorts, trying to go through the motions, while trying to figure out what to do about/how to heal this big mess of brokenness I feel inside... .I, like you, have looked at uBPDh's ability to just rage and then get over it and expect it to be nothing anymore and been like ?  because it has been impossible for me to do.  I have never been treated as badly as when he is splitting me "black", and it hurt me very very very much, to the core of my being. 

I have been praying and reading very much, and see some positive things happening... .1.)  I am becoming honest with myself and with my feelings for the first time in forever I believe... .2.) I am choosing to express my feelings honestly with uBPDh... .3.)  I am choosing to not allow his crazy behaviors to "overwhelm" me anymore... .as a matter of fact, I am not allowing them to "rule" the situation anymore... .Somehow, they have lost their "power" over both of us because I am refusing to bow beneath ridiculous falsehoods and lies and accusations anymore... .I am striving very hard to not only validate uBPDh's feelings as much as I can, I'm also striving to hold up my responsibility to make the TRUTH known in situations.  I no longer going to bow beneath the "control" of BPD. 

I think this can go one of two ways... .Either this will threaten a BPD s/o and they will run for the hills, or they will accept it and try to work with it... .Thankfully, (I think  ), I believe because a lot of people are praying about this situation, uBPDh has been communicating with me a little better, and expressing remorse for being mean, etc... .and expressing a desire to not hinder what God wants to do with me... .This is HUGE.  It has allowed me to stand up for my own ideas and thoughts firmly for the first time in this relationship... .and although I am being met with similar hesitations (insecurities of his because it is threatening his complete control over me), I am not bowing down to it anymore... .I am going to fight for what I think is right, and for the things I want to do.

Overall, in the last week, I've gone from planning my definite departure, to seeing uBPDh put in some honest effort, and to trying to submit myself to that once again, feeling obligated to a certain extent to give him this chance, but in a different, less codependent way. 

I still have the desire to be out from underneath ANY and ALL BPD chaos, and if he splits again and decides to hurt me again with reckless verbal and mental abuse, I may very well choose to remove myself to get to a healthier place... .Until then though, I am trying to learn to be whole here... .to heal here... .to be honest with what I feel and need and think... .It's all very new to me, but I'm trying... . 

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LilHurt420
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« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2014, 12:27:23 PM »

This is exactly how I feel.  I think a lot of the problem, for me, is that I'm never really allowed to feel my feelings.  Even in the moments after a rage or dysregulation where he's thrown away or broken things of value to me, called me names, etc... .once he's decided to snap out of it I'm supposed to just forget everything he's done and not feel resentment or feel mad about it.  I try to bury those feelings for the sake of our family but the more these things happen the more intense they become and harder they are to keep in.  I find myself getting upset and now I just cry over the loss of control I have over my life because of him.  

I know those feelings all too well. I am working on telling myself that I do NOT need his permission to feel my feelings. I can feel my feelings and work them out on my own once everything cools down. There have been so many times I have stopped myself from normalizing or justifying his behavior. I talk to myself and say things like, "Any normal human being would be upset about this. It is okay to be upset. Not only am I upset, but I am hopping friggin' mad."

And, it is easier for me to own those feelings if I keep them to myself or share them with somebody other than him. My husband will do things without thinking and it will make my life difficult. So, I will call my brother or my friend and I will vent and I will seek a sympathetic ear elsewhere. The hardest was when I wasn't talking to anybody about anything and simply kept everything to myself. There were quite a few years that I would simply clam up and not say much to anybody about anything. When I started talking to people more openly about what was going on, they had no idea. They knew something wasn't right because I hadn't been myself but they had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with.

I was afraid of talking to others for a host of reasons. Not sure if it was to protect an image or if it was because I was afraid that they would tell me that I was being ridiculous and petty. At one point, I had tried to talk to my mother a bit and she turned it around and I ended up feeling even more crappy because she was going on about all of the great things that my husband had done. She was telling me how lucky I was to have him as a husband. And then, there is my mother in law who would tell me that my husband is just grumpy and that I need to do a better job of sucking it up and dealing with it. Now, I won't talk to those two. I discovered that I can talk to my dad or my brother and feel heard. The key for me is trying to find safer outlets. I probably say too much to people at times now but it feels so much better to come to this forum or talk to family members or friends and be completely honest. It is sometimes really scary but it is so much better than simply bottling everything up.

I'm glad you have found an outlet!  I feel the same way in that it feels so much better to just say these things out loud (or write them here).  It helps me realize that they are not normal, I too often make excuses or normalize his behavior that is in no way normal.  Unfortunately I no longer have many out lets in real life.  My entire family (mother, father, sister, cousin) is sick and tired of hearing me complain about the crazy things he does to me.  I do have a lady that I work with who is familiar with personality disorder and she will listen, but I only tell her so much because I don't want to involve her too much in my life.  I'm glad I found this site so I at least have a place to talk with others who understand what I'm going through.  While my family recognizes that he's sick, they just see him as a montster
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« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2014, 12:34:58 PM »

LilHurt and Vortex... .I feel as though I am walking the same things you both are expressing, almost exactly! 

Lately, I have felt as though all of uBPDh's bad BPD behaviors and treatments of me have "piled up" into some chaotic heap inside me and I have felt "broken" by it all... .unsure, stressed, angry, like I'm living in an alternate reality of sorts, trying to go through the motions, while trying to figure out what to do about/how to heal this big mess of brokenness I feel inside... .I, like you, have looked at uBPDh's ability to just rage and then get over it and expect it to be nothing anymore and been like ?  because it has been impossible for me to do.  I have never been treated as badly as when he is splitting me "black", and it hurt me very very very much, to the core of my being. 

I have been praying and reading very much, and see some positive things happening... .1.)  I am becoming honest with myself and with my feelings for the first time in forever I believe... .2.) I am choosing to express my feelings honestly with uBPDh... .3.)  I am choosing to not allow his crazy behaviors to "overwhelm" me anymore... .as a matter of fact, I am not allowing them to "rule" the situation anymore... .Somehow, they have lost their "power" over both of us because I am refusing to bow beneath ridiculous falsehoods and lies and accusations anymore... .I am striving very hard to not only validate uBPDh's feelings as much as I can, I'm also striving to hold up my responsibility to make the TRUTH known in situations.  I no longer going to bow beneath the "control" of BPD. 

I think this can go one of two ways... .Either this will threaten a BPD s/o and they will run for the hills, or they will accept it and try to work with it... .Thankfully, (I think  ), I believe because a lot of people are praying about this situation, uBPDh has been communicating with me a little better, and expressing remorse for being mean, etc... .and expressing a desire to not hinder what God wants to do with me... .This is HUGE.  It has allowed me to stand up for my own ideas and thoughts firmly for the first time in this relationship... .and although I am being met with similar hesitations (insecurities of his because it is threatening his complete control over me), I am not bowing down to it anymore... .I am going to fight for what I think is right, and for the things I want to do.

Overall, in the last week, I've gone from planning my definite departure, to seeing uBPDh put in some honest effort, and to trying to submit myself to that once again, feeling obligated to a certain extent to give him this chance, but in a different, less codependent way. 

I still have the desire to be out from underneath ANY and ALL BPD chaos, and if he splits again and decides to hurt me again with reckless verbal and mental abuse, I may very well choose to remove myself to get to a healthier place... .Until then though, I am trying to learn to be whole here... .to heal here... .to be honest with what I feel and need and think... .It's all very new to me, but I'm trying... . 

Reading your reply, I can tell you are exactly where I'm at.  Just 3 weeks ago I was ready and getting prepared for a divorce.  uBPDh came to me with realizations that he knows what he is doing is wrong and wants to fix it.  While he's said this before, being pregnant and already having a 5yo together I do feel that I have some obligation to stay and help fix this.  However, I don't so much feel like a prisoner anymore.  The more abuse that happens, the more I feel mentally prepared to leave this marriage to keep myself sane.  I think he sees this too (like yours).  He reached out to me today and says he understands what I am saying.  I can only hope he really does.  I also have that desire deep down to be out from this crazy life.  Before I used to have more of a desire to be with him and keep our family together, but I feel the weight shifting.  The more and more things that happen the more I'm willing to give up on him to seek my own happiness.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone... .but know you are not alone Smiling (click to insert in post)
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thereishope
****
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married, together 4 years
Posts: 363



« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2014, 12:45:17 PM »

LilHurt and Vortex... .I feel as though I am walking the same things you both are expressing, almost exactly! 

Lately, I have felt as though all of uBPDh's bad BPD behaviors and treatments of me have "piled up" into some chaotic heap inside me and I have felt "broken" by it all... .unsure, stressed, angry, like I'm living in an alternate reality of sorts, trying to go through the motions, while trying to figure out what to do about/how to heal this big mess of brokenness I feel inside... .I, like you, have looked at uBPDh's ability to just rage and then get over it and expect it to be nothing anymore and been like ?  because it has been impossible for me to do.  I have never been treated as badly as when he is splitting me "black", and it hurt me very very very much, to the core of my being. 

I have been praying and reading very much, and see some positive things happening... .1.)  I am becoming honest with myself and with my feelings for the first time in forever I believe... .2.) I am choosing to express my feelings honestly with uBPDh... .3.)  I am choosing to not allow his crazy behaviors to "overwhelm" me anymore... .as a matter of fact, I am not allowing them to "rule" the situation anymore... .Somehow, they have lost their "power" over both of us because I am refusing to bow beneath ridiculous falsehoods and lies and accusations anymore... .I am striving very hard to not only validate uBPDh's feelings as much as I can, I'm also striving to hold up my responsibility to make the TRUTH known in situations.  I no longer going to bow beneath the "control" of BPD. 

I think this can go one of two ways... .Either this will threaten a BPD s/o and they will run for the hills, or they will accept it and try to work with it... .Thankfully, (I think  ), I believe because a lot of people are praying about this situation, uBPDh has been communicating with me a little better, and expressing remorse for being mean, etc... .and expressing a desire to not hinder what God wants to do with me... .This is HUGE.  It has allowed me to stand up for my own ideas and thoughts firmly for the first time in this relationship... .and although I am being met with similar hesitations (insecurities of his because it is threatening his complete control over me), I am not bowing down to it anymore... .I am going to fight for what I think is right, and for the things I want to do.

Overall, in the last week, I've gone from planning my definite departure, to seeing uBPDh put in some honest effort, and to trying to submit myself to that once again, feeling obligated to a certain extent to give him this chance, but in a different, less codependent way. 

I still have the desire to be out from underneath ANY and ALL BPD chaos, and if he splits again and decides to hurt me again with reckless verbal and mental abuse, I may very well choose to remove myself to get to a healthier place... .Until then though, I am trying to learn to be whole here... .to heal here... .to be honest with what I feel and need and think... .It's all very new to me, but I'm trying... . 

Reading your reply, I can tell you are exactly where I'm at.  Just 3 weeks ago I was ready and getting prepared for a divorce.  uBPDh came to me with realizations that he knows what he is doing is wrong and wants to fix it.  While he's said this before, being pregnant and already having a 5yo together I do feel that I have some obligation to stay and help fix this.  However, I don't so much feel like a prisoner anymore.  The more abuse that happens, the more I feel mentally prepared to leave this marriage to keep myself sane.  I think he sees this too (like yours).  He reached out to me today and says he understands what I am saying.  I can only hope he really does.  I also have that desire deep down to be out from this crazy life.  Before I used to have more of a desire to be with him and keep our family together, but I feel the weight shifting.  The more and more things that happen the more I'm willing to give up on him to seek my own happiness.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone... .but know you are not alone Smiling (click to insert in post)

Your words are awesomely therapeutic to me today... .It is amazing how many similar stories have happened and are happened even to this present moment here on this message board!  I say it every day, but I am soo thankful to have been led here after praying for clarity!  Please message me anytime... .I can relate with the things you are saying completely... .IT IS exactly what I am going through and feeling!  Thanks for sharing and keep in touch!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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