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Author Topic: Can failing high school be prevented?  (Read 399 times)
jeff-nonb

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« on: September 22, 2014, 06:41:22 PM »

Hi,

Last year I cared more. Last year my son was in the 10th grade.  My gf and I worked hard to help him pass the second semester of 10th grade and "we" got all C's.  The prior semester was during the time when his mother had 50% time, and during that time she was evicted from her apartment, and so he went through all the chaos during the time leading up to that.

This year I "care" less... .because I'm so very stressed.  I've got my own work to do (I work from home - a concept that is lost on a 15yo and his mother thinks it's really not work. She "works" now as a resident manager for the building she lives in.  There's some irony there, and she had been a realtor/broker a few years ago; more irony.)

Anyway, my son will be 16 in a week and he's in the 11th grade, a junior.  Last year, I worked very hard during his second semester to help him pass.  He got Ds and Fs for all but one class the semester before.  I moved to a new school district so he could stay with me and go to a slightly smaller school.   It seemed good... .it is good.

But he absolutely does NOT TRY. Last weekend he was BENCHED during an important hockey game because I told the coaches that he had failing grades and truancy as well.  I THOUGHT that it would be a wakeup call... .but he comes home and watches youtube on his phone and does nothing to repair what can be repaired.  It's EARLY in the semester.  He has a CHANCE to bring his grades up to a C.

But he can't think ahead.  And he lies/fakes. 

His BPDmother writes crazy stuff to me, like I should be spending 90 minutes a day WITH HIM doing his homework.  Then she also says he has a LEARNING DISABILITY.  I disagree.   His learning disability to her, is laziness to me.  In fact, during summer school, as he's getting Bs... .he tells me about last semester "I'm wasn't even trying".

He's not trying now.

I'm exhausted.

I'm letting him fail high school. I've done all I can, and at this age, he should know better.

It's an odd sort of defiance... .it's passive-aggressive.   It's wrong, and I'm lowering my expectations once again.

ps: there is no "co-parenting" going on... .I just learned about parallel parenting, and I guess that is what I've got.
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Matt
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« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2014, 12:27:17 PM »

Have you thought about taking away privileges, like his cell phone and computer, and hockey, til he gets his homework done?

My kids are 16 and 17, and very good students, in a good school, but a few times I've had to insist that homework comes first - and it has to be done right - and then there is TV and other stuff.  Of course there was a negative reaction - fits, threats, etc.  You have to stay firm and wait it out.
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jeff-nonb

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« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2014, 02:57:17 PM »

Have you thought about taking away privileges, like his cell phone and computer, and hockey, til he gets his homework done?

My kids are 16 and 17, and very good students, in a good school, but a few times I've had to insist that homework comes first - and it has to be done right - and then there is TV and other stuff.  Of course there was a negative reaction - fits, threats, etc.  You have to stay firm and wait it out.

Thank you Matt. 

Having his BPDmother in the picture makes it difficult to provide him with consistency.

She lives close enough to keep him for the weekend and take him to school on Monday mornings.  Then he comes to my house for the week, and makes it to school OK on his own (not exactly true - 2 truants in only 15 days of school this year but he had stayed with his mom the nights before, sometimes mid-week).

I'm faced with the problem of him hearing from me "no" and his mom then saying "yes."   Many examples of this come to mind.  But the way things are playing out right now, she thinks that keeping him home from practice is a "punishment" rather than simply a consequence for having poor grades.  And she also thinks he has a "learning disability" , she said in her last email to me.  This is BS because he passed his math and english state testing just fine last year... .even after failing algebra 1 he did this.

Hockey will be taken away by the league. (And by me anyway.) We are signed up with a league that checks grades.  2.0 and no fails.  That's where the bar is set and he's got F's in 4 of 6 classes, and its only the third week of school.  Catching up now is going to be too hard for him. 

That's the back story.  But what I'm interested in knowing is if it's possible for him to have an epiphany and a turnaround somehow?  As it is, I'm lowering my expectations.  I'm very disappointed and heartbroken.    I figure: no graduation and GED later.  Pickup games rather than enjoying a college team.  A job scooping ice cream or stocking shelves, instead of heading to college.

I know that he has very bad habits.  But in 10th grade I worked my ass off, and I'm not going to get so stressed this year... .because he is SIXTEEN years old.  I'm exhausted.  I want the grades to "belong" to him, not to me (like the C's from last year... .all "mine".

Anyway.  Maybe someone has some encouraging insight for me? For now, I'm going to "stay firm and wait it out" like you said.  But I'm waiting for him to fail miserably and that hurts.

By the way, in first grade he learned how to read the back flap of a book to do a book report.  His mom taught him that trick... .rather than progressively reading through the book. (Doomed)

I've tried so hard for so long.

~ J

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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2014, 05:08:07 PM »

What about taking a look at Parenting Teens with Love & Logic? There's a book review for on the site somewhere and lots of people recommend it. I've read it and it helped -- tho some people don't like one part of it because it talks about abstinence, and for some that strikes them as being too Christian for a book aimed at a general audience.

It sounds like you're half way there, thinking that your son needs to learn from consequences, difficult as they may be. But there's the other side, which is to handle it in a way where you're the catcher's mitt for the feelings, without bailing him out. Not easy! He probably needs to learn that you won't do his work for him. My BF has a similar situation to yours -- a toxic ex that he can't coparent with, and an underachieving kid who has no rules, no consequences. He hired a behavioral specialist to help him come up with rules and consequences, which only worked in his house. You're in a really tough spot, but I agree that bailing him out is only going to hurt him in the long run.

Not giving your son a free pass, but is it possible he has a learning disability? If he is intelligent but low achieving, that's usually a red flag. The thing is figuring out what the particular disability might be. It's not quite as cut and dry as you might expect. Low processing speed, dyslexia, ADHD, can all make kids look like they're lazy.

I used to get the laziness thing a lot as a kid, and it was frustrating, and really messed me up. It wasn't until a teacher asked me if I might be dyslexic that things turned around. If a kid is intelligent, but doesn't do well on tests and really struggles to organize writing, and no one understands why, it's so discouraging you figure why even try. Your son might be getting by but deep down stuff isn't happening as quickly or easily as he sees it with his peers. So he just gives up.

Not saying he has a learning disability, just that most people have a lot of assumptions about what they are, who has them, and it's common to confuse it with laziness. Maybe get him tested? That will rule out any concerns. In my district if your grades fall below passing, the district is legally obligated to pay for psycho-educational testing. Not a fun process because the bureaucrazy and the paperwork is unbelievable. And so many meetings, gah.

When I got tested it changed my life. I learned specific strategies that helped me do things in different ways than what they taught in school, and I worked with someone who helped me understand what my strengths were. In high school, I was all over the place. And now I'm finishing a phd    

Sometimes the interventions are life changing.
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Matt
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« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2014, 05:28:22 PM »

So here's the encouragemnt:  From what you have said, I think he can turn things around, it's just not clear when or even if he will decide to do that.

I would encourage you not to give up on him and above all - if you do (understandably!) have moments when you lose hope, don't ever communicate your lower expectations to your son.

Let your message to him be 100% consistent:  I love you and believe in you and I know you can do great things.

I have four kids, and all of them are bright, and all of them have gone through phases when I worried, to different extents.  My oldest is my stepson - I married his BPD mom when he was 18.  At 12 he was drinking, in high school he was using other drugs, never clean and sober til his late 20s.  Now he's been clean and sober about six years, and he is honest and a great member of our family.

My stepdaughter is 25.  When she was 15 she was running with the wrong crowd, sneaking out at night, and experimenting with alcohol and pot.  I sat her down and had a firm talk with her - told her I loved her and knew she could do better.  She admitted it was an attempt to get my attention (and her mom's).  She got her act together, improved her grades, went to an Ivy League school on scholarship, and now she's in a very good Ph.D. program.

My younger kids have generally done well - now 16 and 18 - good grades etc.  But they've had bad periods too, and needed both support and structure to get it together.

So what are the support and structure best for your son?

Well first I think you can make the best use of the time he is with you, and not worry about the differences when he's with his mom.  ("Co-parenting" generally won't work with someone who has BPD.  You have to "parallel parent", which means take care of your place and she takes care of hers.)

When he's with you, make sure he has a consistent bed-time, unless he needs to stay up to work on homework.  No TV, internet or other activities - including hockey - til his homework is done and you have checked it and it's right.  Make sure he gets up in plenty of time, and take him to school yourself, even if you have to drive to his mom's house and pick him up and take him to school.

While his grades are low, no after-school activities - get home and work on your homework.  Make it clear what the minimum is for hockey and other stuff - if you think he should be getting at least all Bs, for example, make that the rule - "All Bs or no extracurricular activities."

Be in touch with his teachers by phone, e-mail and in person, and know exactly how he is doing in every class, and if he doesn't turn in every assignment on time, make sure there are consequences for that.  Don't overdo it, and don't argue about it:  "You didn't turn in your math today, so get it done, and tomorrow's assignment too.  No TV this week - you get TV only if you turn in all your assignments." or whatever you think is reasonable.

That's the first step - get the structure and support he needs in place in your home.

The next step is to consider whether he should be at your house more - maybe almost all the time - so he will have that structure and support all the time.

A little over a year ago, my kids were theoretically 50/50 at my house and their mom's, but in practice it was more like 70/30.  That worked OK for D17 but not for S15, so I made the decision that he would live full-time with me and see his mom once in a while on weekends - even every weekend if they both wanted to and if it worked out.  The purpose was for him not to be subjected to the stress of being around her super-negative and twisted personality too much.  She could have fought me and then I would have had to go to court, but I think she knew she would lose - she is not in therapy as the court ordered - so she said OK.

The result is he is doing better - his grades were pretty good before and they're a little better now, and he is less stressed, and much happier.

You wouldn't want to go there til you can show that your own house is in order - the right structure and support so your son will be doing his best while he's with you.  That's the first thing to work on, and it's not going to be easy - both your son and his mom will make you the villain at first.  But in time your son will get with the program and appreciate you more for it... .
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jeff-nonb

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« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2014, 03:50:40 AM »

wow. thank you livednlearned.  this is a very thoughtful and caring response.

but what went through my mind the whole time is this:  Why must laziness be re-diagnosed as special needs?




{rant}Anyone who has a failing 16yo kid knows that they're proficient at subtle deception.  Teachers throughout their younger years have "diagosed" both my boys - one fidgets because he's bored, the other interrupts or spaces out because he's uninterested - as having ADHD. ?  Seriously, I personally DO have ADD, and I began controlling it with medicine and have since stopped because I learned about my ADD-type behavior.  Nowadays I like to call it having "an entrepreneurial mindset."  Fantastic, my boys will be business tycoons. 

The real problem I'm having is that he is unable to break away from his BPDmother.  Younger, he went to the doctor because his mommy loved the attention.  He was taught by his mother to read the back flap of a book in 2nd grade and write a book report on the book.  (Lazy?) This year he used the same book for high school summer reading for the third year running. (Again lazy?) He tested fine in the state CAHSEE testing or whatever it's called.  He missed passing the math by only one point.  After failing algebra one that year, it's pretty good I think.  Passed the English part just fine.  In seventh grade he complained to me that there were only four problems on the math page AND that he got 100% and finished "early" and was bored for twenty more minutes.  So in eighth grade he took regular math instead of EIP or whatever it's called. Worked hard, but he passed.

His failure in 9th and 10th grade has everything to do with chaos.  Chaos with his mother's eviction, chaos with his mother's neediness, chaos with his mother's selfishness, and general BPD problems.  Now in 11th, Dad's exhausted and he might have to learn on his own how to save himself... .learn how to break away from his mother.  I will stay consistent and try to be patient and wait it out.

why does LAZINESS need to be REDIAGNOSED anyway? {/rant}




Matt, well put, and thank you for your reply.

Don't communicate lower expectations for my son? I'm going to try.  I said to my gf that I was terribly disappointed and heartbroken now that we're in this situation - where his poor grades will be his own undoing.  Tonight he wrote a text to my gf as we were driving him to hockey practice where he was going to be confronted by the coaches.  Last week he got so depressed after practice that he became sick and had to miss the next day of school - not really helping his bad situation!  So this week when he learned that I had been in communication with the coaches AND some of his teachers, he wrote a text that *sounded like him* (iow, it didn't sound like he was repeating the words of his mom).  This little text "worked" - and by "worked" I mean he'll likely NOT be benched this weekend.  Clever manipulator? Maybe. Honest epiphany? Maybe.  Either way, it worked for his benefit and my chest doesn't feel so constricted any more.  He also talked more honestly about his class assignments.  That it contradicted what he said only a few days ago probably means he isn't lying this time, but did last time. (or vice versa!)

It took five or six days, but maybe his attitude changed.  He wrote that he's only been trying 60% but realizes now that he needs to work 110% as a member of the team.  Interesting. Now we'll see how this next week goes.

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« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2014, 07:30:34 AM »

My xBPDw ran away in 2007. Courts awarded primary custody to mother. EXenrolled our yopungest in kindergarten shortly after. I tried to get him in a pre k program because I didn't think he was ready for kindergarten. Courts ruled in moms favor. Son floundered and was left back to repeat kindergarten. He did fine the next year. Ex insisted he had a learning diabilty and had the school test him. Results were inconclusive but they gave him an IEP. I had several "discussions" with the school but they were all firmly on ex's side.

After two years of kindergarten son went to first grade. The very first day I picked him up. He was relieved that some of the kids that were in his first year of kindergarten were in his first grade class. He basically indicated he thought he was stupid and that is why he went to kindergarten for two years.

During this entire time I stayed focused on sons needs. I told him repeatedly that I thought he just wasn't ready for kindergarten that first year. He indicated I was the only one that told him that. I told him the truth and never lied to him about what I thought. I always talked to him considering his age and what I thought he would understand.

To get to the point , he is now in fifth grade, has no IEP, and is in the accelerated program at his school. His confidence is up and he is doing very well.

It's not a sprint but a marathon.

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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2014, 08:13:14 AM »

There's a story in Parenting Teens with Love and Logic where the son gets tangled up with law enforcement when his he and his gf get into a car accident. I think both kids were drinking. When the cops show up and explain what happened, the mom and dad decide that the best thing for their son is to spend a night in jail. So off he goes to jail.

They express love to their son -- they truly love him -- but they let the natural consequences of his actions play out.

If his parents bailed him out, which they were tempted to do, he would have learned that there really aren't any consequences to drinking and driving.

This type of parenting can be really hard for those of us who have BPD ex spouses because any consequence we set, the other parent often erases. If I let the cops take my son to jail, my ex would've shown up and bailed him out. And then used that incident to turn my son against me. "See? She doesn't care about you. She's too busy whoring it up with her boyfriend to come and get you."

All you can do is have your boundaries and your consequences, and the rest is out of your control. You are the parent with structure and consequences and boundaries.

One thing I'm curious about after reading your last post. Are you angry at your son for more than the grades and the laziness? If I can sense it out here, your son can probably sense it. Whether he is lazy or ADHD or dyslexic or whatever, he knows that you are disappointed in him. You have ADD, and you're doing well, so he should too, and for whatever reason, he isn't.

Maybe if you back pedaled on your disappointment a little, and let him know from a place of love that you see he is his person, he's not you, and the choices he makes are going to lead to painful consequences. You've tried what you can, and maybe the trying has just made it worse. Maybe let him know that when he wants to get his GED, whether he's 25 or 30 or 50, that you'll be there when he asks for help. And then spell out the boundaries and the consequences crystal clear. No hockey. No cell phone. He has to get a job if he isn't going to school. Something like that?

My son does typical slacker things to -- he'll say he brushed his teeth, but when I touch the bristles they're dry. So he took the time to go in the bathroom and run the water to pretend he's brushing his teeth. Why not just brush his teeth? There are so many examples like this. So now what I do with him, instead of getting pissed off at him, is to ask him what he thinks the consequence should be. He has saved up some money. If he gets a cavity at his next dentist appointment he pays for it. I cover all well-checks, he pays for the cavities.

If I ask him to clean up his room and he doesn't do it, we don't even talk about the consequence anymore. I walk in, he realizes he didn't do what he was supposed to do, and he just hands over his computer. No anger, no fits, no attitude. Handing over the computer is the consequence he agreed was appropriate for that particular offense -- he thought it was fair, since it was the computer that made him too distracted.

I hope this isn't too much rambling. I know it's not easy, and none of this stuff works all of the time. It's really hard to let your kid suffer the consequences of his actions. But better to do it now while he has some protections.
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« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2014, 09:03:57 AM »

Oh man I feel for you. Yes he can turn things around. For that to happen for me I had to be from within. I dropped out several times. Worked crappy jobs. Moved out. Went broke. Couch surfed. Then I went and got a GED. Then a degree. Now a second degree with distinction. It can be done but I don't recommend that path.

I think looking back my mom was to tired to keep pushing. I have a learning disability. I struggle. But when I want it I get it. He has to want it.

Can you find some way to point out things from the opposite end? When I tutor I start by asking kids what kind of house they want to live in. We look them up on line and look at prices. Then we look at what kind of job will pay for that ind of house. Then we look at what kind of education is required for that job. Then we look at what kind of grades are required for that education. Then we look at their grades. yup weird I know but it works for me.

Then we set up work habits. A public desk in a family area. No TV or phones on for anyone. Good light and supplies and a set period of time 5-6 and 7:30 -8:30 with supper in between for instance. Then we study. I insist that they have all home work up first then if everything is done we re-read or pre-read texts or notes. Its a lot of work but I sit and do my studying while they do theirs. These are not my kids mind you they are tutoring students. But thats the routine we establish. I insist the families cooperate. No noise or TV or phones in the area. Has to be public for accountability. Quiet supper preparation is the only other activity. While we (student and I) discuss what they are working on discussion from others is only welcome if it is a novel or current event type topic. This is to engage family discussion at the dinner table. Just a suggestion.

Oh and I seriously celebrate all small accomplishments. Reward based training is far more effective than punishment based training every time.
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