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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: S3 wants to stay with mom  (Read 378 times)
half-life
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« on: September 22, 2014, 07:38:28 PM »

I have just recently moved out from my wife of 15 years. We have S3 and S8 together. I posted my story in

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232945.0

Both of us want to minimize the impact to our kids. Wife is actually very cooperative with me. We are starting off with a share custody with the kids staying with me in the weekend and with her on the weekdays. This goes well in the first two weeks.

S3 starts to ask to be with mom. He does this when he is with me. He is also saying that to mom during the week. This Friday we handled the situation badly, which I might detail in a separate thread. This ended with S3 crying to be with mom at bed time. I takes me more than half hour to comfort him until he fell asleep. He actually has fun with everyone during the day. On the other hand he started increasing frequent asking to go home through out the day. In a few years I haven't seen a lot of things that make him cry for so long. It gets to the point it is heart breaking to keep him here.

S8 is very curious about my place and do not show any distress at all. However we strongly prefer the brothers to stay together. The kids' welfare is our top priority. I am seeing our plan start to unravel and I may not get to have them in my place as I have envisioned.

Any idea
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momtara
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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2014, 08:54:32 PM »

Kinda normal for kids to prefer mommies that young... .no ideas, no experience in this, but maybe a child psychologist could give ideas... .
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« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2014, 12:50:06 AM »

Have you looked into alternate schedules? Why is this not joint custody (50/50)? Children that age suffer from object constancy, so it's not surprising that he would ask for his mom because he spends more time with her... I am on a 3-2-2-3 schedule with S4 and D2. The 3s are the weekends. This is typcal for young children who are at that critical attachment stage. It sounds like you have a good r/s with their mom. Perhaps you can convince her to alter it to be more equitable for the kids?

I would caution you to assume that they need more time with their mother because she's their mother.

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« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2014, 01:02:17 AM »

I have just recently moved out from my wife of 15 years. We have S3 and S8 together. I posted my story in

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232945.0

Both of us want to minimize the impact to our kids. Wife is actually very cooperative with me. We are starting off with a share custody with the kids staying with me in the weekend and with her on the weekdays. This goes well in the first two weeks.

S3 starts to ask to be with mom. He does this when he is with me. He is also saying that to mom during the week. This Friday we handled the situation badly, which I might detail in a separate thread. This ended with S3 crying to be with mom at bed time. I takes me more than half hour to comfort him until he fell asleep. He actually has fun with everyone during the day. On the other hand he started increasing frequent asking to go home through out the day. In a few years I haven't seen a lot of things that make him cry for so long. It gets to the point it is heart breaking to keep him here.

S8 is very curious about my place and do not show any distress at all. However we strongly prefer the brothers to stay together. The kids' welfare is our top priority. I am seeing our plan start to unravel and I may not get to have them in my place as I have envisioned.

Any idea

Hang in there.  

It sounds like it's very early after separation.  Remember you're doing it for your 2 sons.  And remember you can only be a healthy father for them if you are healthy yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Be patient with your youngest as he adjusts, and stay a routine best you can.  He needs more time to adjust than you might expect.  

But DO NOT let your plan unravel.  She will eventually stop being courteous to you, because (in my opinion and experience) she doesn't find it threatening that you left.  Once she realizes that you're really gone and she can NOT charm you back, then she might not be as respectful and warm as she seems to be right now.  And when she knows you're out for good, you will struggle to have the kids with you. (Ironically, my ex sometimes dropped the kids on me during their younger years, because it was more convenient for her for that day or those days.)

As long as the kids are your top priority, then you should be determined to keep them with you as much as possible.  I hope you can do this.   Do it for the boys.  I really wish all good things will go your way.  Be strong and know that what you're thinking of doing is possible.


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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2014, 01:39:30 PM »

I have D3, S5, D7.  My youngest D3, has been interesting to say the least. She was always the "mommy's girl" while the older two were daddy kids.

But more and more she seems to be attaching to me. While dropping her off at her mom's goes fairly smoothely. When mom has come to pick her up, she throws a full on fight.  Now, originally I just thought this was because she was being attached to whomever was the parent she was with the week prior. However, I was at an school event and the kids thought they were going home with me that night. All three seemed disappointed not to be. But my youngest went into a total tantrum.  First she ran off, almost heading into the road. I grabbed her in time, but hurt her wrist slightly - better than the alternative.  She was clearly upset with me. Forcibly nudging. Etc. 

So mommy came over to console her.  And I was shocked. D3, literally yelled at her not to take her.  And forcibly shoved her away twice. And I mean forcibly, as in a 3 year old pushing a full sized grown adult back.  I was rather taken aback.  I expected, here she was, mad at daddy, just got a little hurt.  That she'd happily hop over to the comfort of mommy.  (Even I wasn't ready to see "mommy" so thoroughly rejected like that. It concerns me.)

:-|
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« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2014, 05:22:53 PM »

I have D3, S5, D7.  My youngest D3, has been interesting to say the least. She was always the "mommy's girl" while the older two were daddy kids.

But more and more she seems to be attaching to me. While dropping her off at her mom's goes fairly smoothely. When mom has come to pick her up, she throws a full on fight.  Now, originally I just thought this was because she was being attached to whomever was the parent she was with the week prior. However, I was at an school event and the kids thought they were going home with me that night. All three seemed disappointed not to be. But my youngest went into a total tantrum.  First she ran off, almost heading into the road. I grabbed her in time, but hurt her wrist slightly - better than the alternative.  She was clearly upset with me. Forcibly nudging. Etc. 

So mommy came over to console her.  And I was shocked. D3, literally yelled at her not to take her.  And forcibly shoved her away twice. And I mean forcibly, as in a 3 year old pushing a full sized grown adult back.  I was rather taken aback.  I expected, here she was, mad at daddy, just got a little hurt.  That she'd happily hop over to the comfort of mommy.  (Even I wasn't ready to see "mommy" so thoroughly rejected like that. It concerns me.)

:-|

That is a vehement reaction, rather than the normal disappointment or resistance over changing homes. Have you asked her siblings about it? You may not be "allowed" to interrogate the kids about what goes on over there depending upon your custody stipulation, but I think something like this might indicate abuse. Getting to the bottom of it somehow would be wise.
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half-life
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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2014, 12:09:42 AM »

50/50 is my goal. I make a concession to let the kids to be with her because it helps her to cope with the change. (I asked for the separation). She used to send them to schools so there will be less change and it keeps her occupied. There is also a practical issue because I need to go to work and she does not. How long will she remain not working is another issue. Hopefully this is short term before we share custody 50/50.

I think in the next few weeks I will just have them over here in day time and then send them back overnight. S3 is very adamant that he do not want to sleep here. I do not want to force him and have him crying all day. Hopefully he will get comfortable to this new place soon. He is a sweet little kid and I have not seen him so resistant to anything before.
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« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2014, 12:31:06 AM »

As nice as she seems, she could be alienating S3 against you, even unintentionally (as if that matters to a child). 3 is a tough age. It's on the edge of object constancy issues, amd also too early to logically communicate. Do you feel like he is afraid or doesn't like you as much, or is it more just the overnght concerns?

It's tougher for you since you left his home. Can you take things like pictures from his old room to give him something familiar to cling to, even pictures of Mommy, or you as a family?
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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2014, 10:06:53 AM »

Their mother is extremely "task" oriented and demanding.  We were at a school open house.  And apparently she told D7 not to stay in the hall, and not follow me and S5 to his classroom. Neither her nor I heard this.  But when D7 was reunited with S2BX, she was reprimanded. And quickly went into a submissive acceptance of guilt.

:-|

I've got the kids enrolled in counseling, and do keep logs. My S2BX has great difficulty understanding the character and nature of people, including her own kids. Everything is do, do, do. 
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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2014, 05:11:43 PM »

You can try validation with a child as young as 3. When your son is crying for his mom, are you saying things like, "It's ok, you'll see her tomorrow."

If so, try full-on validation instead. "You're really sad and upset. I can tell you miss mommy and want to see her. It feels painful when we are apart from people we love. Does it make you feel better when your body feels sad?" Let him have his big sad feelings and tell you how he feels. Then when he starts to self-soothe in a positive way, point out that he seems to be feeling better. If he is hugging you, point out that the hugging makes you feel better too or something, so he starts making the connection that he felt sad, he let himself be comforted by someone he loves and trusts, and now he is feeling better.

This is how kids develop resilience. They learn that they can feel negative feelings, and someone is there for them. And they pull themselves back to the surface and feel good that they managed to do so.

It's a critically important skill for kids who have a BPD parent. They are going to have a lot of challenges as kids having not only their feelings invalidated, but their reality distorted.

Power of Validation is a great book to learn more about validating kids. It was like magic fairy dust with my son. He was 8 and didn't want to live, and I feel like validation was the single-most important thing to happen to him, and to me.
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