Regulating my own emotions

[vortex of confusion]

I have been reading through the lessons. I was focusing on #5 Finding inner strength and hope because I am feeling a bit hopeless and weak. Trying all of this stuff and keeping myself in check seems overwhelming and I don't know how long I can keep it up without backsliding.

I found my way to the thread "How to respond to heightened emotions" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.0;all

One of the first things mentioned is regulating my own emotions. This is sometimes a struggle for me. I work two part time jobs and am a stay at home mom during the day. I am often tired from working and dealing with the kids and taking up the slack in other areas. As a result, there are times when I am really struggling to keep myself in check. I can talk to somebody else and express myself without any troubles. I express myself to my husband the same way and it is problematic.

I guess I am looking for stories or encouragement or ideas on how to regulate my own emotions. I have gotten a whole lot better at getting a grip but there are times that I want to jump up and down and scream and yell, "What about me?" There are times that I can feel myself losing control. Most of the time, I am able to get a grip and talk myself down but there are other times that I just stop caring and lose it.

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[MissyM]

I guess I am looking for stories or encouragement or ideas on how to regulate my own emotions.

  I tend to respond well to doing something physical.  If I can go for a walk or workout, and then I talk to either my sponsor or someone else in recovery.  That 2 step approach seems to work best for me.  If I can't do that, I try to meditate or pray.  I find I don't need to do these things as often as before because I am not as reactive.  The single best thing I did in therapy was EMDR, this helped lower my emotional reactivity.

[waverider]

You can't, or you would stifle your humanity. All you can do is not make it worse than it need be when you can. Being aware of your part is in itself a huge step forward and will prevent the worst of it.

You dont have to do anything, you can choose to, or choose not to. Choice is your right. Dont guilt yourself because sometimes its all too hard so you choose not to "do the right thing". It passes, they get over it and you move on.

It is a common problem here in that folks once learning the "tools" start feeling like a failure because they can identify their own failings, but remember once you were oblivious, so that is in effect an improvement to be proud of.

Dont expect to be text book perfect, they are just guides to help you with some direction.

Sometimes I throw my own advice out the window, in full expectation of an aftermath. Sometimes there isn't one, and if there is I have the ability to turn it around again.

In BPD land the sky is always falling in for one reason or another, thats just the way it is.

I flip out too, and I dont feel the slightest guilt about it. I do enough, I do my bit, so why should I feel guilty? I do better than most, and definitely heaps better than I used to.

It is a fine line between regulating emotions and bottling them up.

[LilHurt420]

As I read through recent posts, I always relate completely to your posts and replies!

This is something I am struggling with too and am having a text conversation as we speak with my husband about it (not that this is going to go anywhere... .but he started it).

I work full time, have a 5yo, I'm 6 months pregnant with our 2nd, have to clean/cook and keep the house together, and feel like I have an additional child taking care of my husband and he requires the most work of everything!  I totally get the feeling of sometimes wanting to jump up and down and scream "what about me!" (if I could do that right now... .I would ).

My husband thinks that as long as he's not terrorizing me then things should be ok.  It doesn't matter that 3 weeks ago he threw away all the stuff he's ever brought me in the last 10 years and stuff that he didn't even buy me, it doesn't matter he threw away all the food in our fridge and our sons snacks for school... .as long as he's not doing it at this very moment that means I should make him every meal, help him do his work when he gets home (writing emails and such), wait on him hand and foot, write him love notes, and do it all with a smile while he does none of it for me.  I've been doing that too... .just to keep the peace.  But I'm at a breaking point.

I feel hopeless in the fact that it will never be "about us"... .it will always be about how do we live our lives to make them happy.  It will never be about our happiness or what we need.  It's so frustrating.

Sorry for venting on your post

[vortex of confusion]

My husband thinks that as long as he's not terrorizing me then things should be ok.  It doesn't matter that 3 weeks ago he threw away all the stuff he's ever brought me in the last 10 years and stuff that he didn't even buy me, it doesn't matter he threw away all the food in our fridge and our sons snacks for school... .as long as he's not doing it at this very moment that means I should make him every meal, help him do his work when he gets home (writing emails and such), wait on him hand and foot, write him love notes, and do it all with a smile while he does none of it for me.  I've been doing that too... .just to keep the peace.  But I'm at a breaking point.

I feel hopeless in the fact that it will never be "about us"... .it will always be about how do we live our lives to make them happy.  It will never be about our happiness or what we need.  It's so frustrating.

Sorry for venting on your post

Oh my, yes, that is so true. I have tried to bring things up with him only to have him say, "I am not doing that now." Yesterday, I told him that I hated that he brings up divorce a lot. He responded, "I didn't do it this time." I validated that, "No, you didn't do it this time but I never know when you will." Then I gave concrete examples of when he did it and it was only a couple of days ago. It is so hard to keep my cool at those times.

I know those feelings of hopelessness. As I read through the lessons and read others' posts I feel like I need to be some kind of superhuman to deal with all of this. I am grieving the fact that staying with my husband likely means that we will never have a normal relationship where there is give and take. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable just being me. I am afraid that I will spend the rest of our days together trying NOT to mess up or make things worse. And when I do screw up, I will pay the price. Is it even worth it?

[LilHurt420]

Oh my, yes, that is so true. I have tried to bring things up with him only to have him say, "I am not doing that now." Yesterday, I told him that I hated that he brings up divorce a lot. He responded, "I didn't do it this time." I validated that, "No, you didn't do it this time but I never know when you will." Then I gave concrete examples of when he did it and it was only a couple of days ago. It is so hard to keep my cool at those times.

I know those feelings of hopelessness. As I read through the lessons and read others' posts I feel like I need to be some kind of superhuman to deal with all of this. I am grieving the fact that staying with my husband likely means that we will never have a normal relationship where there is give and take. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable just being me. I am afraid that I will spend the rest of our days together trying NOT to mess up or make things worse. And when I do screw up, I will pay the price. Is it even worth it?

yep! mine says the same thing.  he just said to me "well I haven't done anything in the last 3 weeks to make you mad."  Like you I validated and said no you haven't, but you also have not done anything you promised that you would to make up for the hurt you've caused.

I also wonder is it all worth it.  I find myself day dreaming of the day my kids are older and being able to "break free" but since they are so young it seems like forever away.  I'm not sure if it's my pregnancy or not but lately I haven't even been able to get back to that "in love" feeling with him.  I used to be able to.  He used to be able to do awful things to me and somehow I would still fall back in love with him afterwards.  That's getting harder and harder to do lately.

[meerkat1]

I also wonder is it all worth it.  I find myself day dreaming of the day my kids are older and being able to "break free" but since they are so young it seems like forever away.  I'm not sure if it's my pregnancy or not but lately I haven't even been able to get back to that "in love" feeling with him.  I used to be able to.  He used to be able to do awful things to me and somehow I would still fall back in love with him afterwards.  That's getting harder and harder to do lately.

I have been wondering too if it is worth it.

I think it has actually been harder the more I learn about BPD! The more I read stories, get information, and see how difficult it is to change the less hopeful I get.

I read stories from others, and they remind me of some of the awful things that I have forgotten. They start to haunt me. Start to make me see the forest through the trees. It is actually making it harder to keep loving.

[vortex of confusion]

I also wonder is it all worth it.  I find myself day dreaming of the day my kids are older and being able to "break free" but since they are so young it seems like forever away.  I'm not sure if it's my pregnancy or not but lately I haven't even been able to get back to that "in love" feeling with him.  I used to be able to.  He used to be able to do awful things to me and somehow I would still fall back in love with him afterwards.  That's getting harder and harder to do lately.

Same here. I am trying to stop dreaming and am actually trying to do things so that I can actually leave when the kids are older. I talked to a friend that had gone through a divorce and she was saying that whether or not I wanted to stay or leave that I needed to start doing concrete things rather than simply sit around being upset or frustrated. Because my youngest is only 5, I am trying to find ways to stay and keep things peaceful. However, in the background, I am trying to establish things for myself so that if there is ever a day when I can no longer take it, I will have an exit strategy. I have made all sorts of lists of the pros and cons. I have made lists of what I will need in order to leave. Oddly enough, it makes it easier to stay because it removes some of the "WOW, how am I going to deal with this for the rest of my life?" Knowing that I am slowly working on an out, whether I use it or not, does help.

I have made a list of goals that I can accomplish with or without my husband that I can work towards. I had forgotten about that list until I was going through my notebooks last night. I love to write and have written blog posts and made all sorts of lists and journal entries trying to sort things out. But, there are times when none of that seems to work and I just feel so unbelievably hopeless and frustrated.

[LilHurt420]

Same here. I am trying to stop dreaming and am actually trying to do things so that I can actually leave when the kids are older. I talked to a friend that had gone through a divorce and she was saying that whether or not I wanted to stay or leave that I needed to start doing concrete things rather than simply sit around being upset or frustrated. Because my youngest is only 5, I am trying to find ways to stay and keep things peaceful. However, in the background, I am trying to establish things for myself so that if there is ever a day when I can no longer take it, I will have an exit strategy. I have made all sorts of lists of the pros and cons. I have made lists of what I will need in order to leave. Oddly enough, it makes it easier to stay because it removes some of the "WOW, how am I going to deal with this for the rest of my life?" Knowing that I am slowly working on an out, whether I use it or not, does help.

I have made a list of goals that I can accomplish with or without my husband that I can work towards. I had forgotten about that list until I was going through my notebooks last night. I love to write and have written blog posts and made all sorts of lists and journal entries trying to sort things out. But, there are times when none of that seems to work and I just feel so unbelievably hopeless and frustrated.

Same here! I swear we're the same person LOL.  My son is 5, but I'm pregnant and will have another one in December.  My goal now is to have a 5 year plan.  Once youngest will be 5 then I will have no more daycare and will hopefully be in a better position at work and will be able to afford rent all on my own.  As scary as it is thinking about bringing another child into this, it almost made it better because I have a concrete time period of when I can actually move out.  The only thing that scares me about leaving before the kids are teens is how the divorce and custody will play out.  He has joked that if we were divorced (he doesn't think we ever will... .even though he's had me sign divorce papers more than once during his rages) that he will fight me for full custody.  He joked that he would make things up just to get custody.  While he thinks he's joking, I know for sure he would do it.  He would do it just to punish me for leaving him (doesn't matter what he did to make me leave... .just that I'd be leaving).  Luckily I have some documented things that will stop him from getting full custody even if he makes up accusations against me... however he will have joint custody (and I wouldn't exactly fight him on it... .our son loves him to death and thinks he's his hero).  It scares me to think of sending him off to him alone.  While I know they'd be taken care of and he wouldn't physically hurt him, I'm scared of what he will fill his head with.  He's told him some pretty questionable things when mad at me in the past.

[meerkat1]

I too have youngest at 5yrs old. I have thought about how long I could take it. The last one was not planned. and often my SO has made it very clear she does not like having her around. Has stated many times over that she did not want her and I have to take care of her. Real nice mom, huh? Other times she is as sweet as can be to her. She does take good care of her no matter what her mood is, so I do not worry about that. I only do not like how she says it to me, very hurtful.

VOC you have me thinking about a couple things. One, what might it look like down the road if divorced. How long out, how long can wait it out. Two, maybe I should just start doing crap I want to and not worry about my BPD wife sorry ass. Like by a car to fix up. Plop an old jallopy right in the driveway and spend the time and money to fix up to something I can enjoy. Cheaper than divorce that's for sure. Or maybe buy a boat and go fishing on the weekends. Join a club, workout. Buy a car to race on the weekends! Ding Ding... I think I have a winner there.

[vortex of confusion]

VOC you have me thinking about a couple things. One, what might it look like down the road if divorced. How long out, how long can wait it out. Two, maybe I should just start doing crap I want to and not worry about my BPD wife sorry ass. Like by a car to fix up. Plop an old jallopy right in the driveway and spend the time and money to fix up to something I can enjoy. Cheaper than divorce that's for sure. Or maybe buy a boat and go fishing on the weekends. Join a club, workout. Buy a car to race on the weekends! Ding Ding... I think I have a winner there.

Yes, yes, yes! Well, you shouldn't use such negative language about your wife though. 

Before I ever heard of BPD, that is what people recommended to me. Start doing things on my own and find things to do that were completely independent of him. I have been doing home improvement projects!

If you buy a car to race, post some updates and let us know how that goes! I am the car nut in my family so if I want to be around cars, I go hang out at the shop or go to the races with my brother.