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Author Topic: Has your partner gotten help?  (Read 394 times)
summera

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« on: September 22, 2014, 09:43:24 PM »

To those who are committed to staying in a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD or you very much suspect BPD, is your partner in treatment, talking about treatment, or finished treatment?  If so, how did they end up in treatment?  And, are there changes after treatment?

I am not currently in a position to choose to stay or not.  My husband essentially left me for his affair partner- he didn't exactly want to leave me, but he would not end the affair. He is not diagnosed and never been to therapy.  I, however, can identify with everyone's story on this site and only wish more than anything that I had known about all of this years ago.  All I knew was that he would become excessively verbally abusive at times and seemed to have fear of rejection/abandonment.   Reading about BPD, I have found that cheating is quite common as a coping mechanism- emotional and/or physical cheating.  Please know that I understand that not all people suffering from BPD will cheat- like not all cut, etc .  Everyone suffering with this is a different person.  However, I just wanted to bring up the idea that maybe "nons" really cannot anticipate the future with someone who has this and is not treated or getting treatment.  If a coping mechanism is taken away, they may find another one- if they have not learned healthy ways to cope.  As I understand from reading, learning how to cope in healthy ways takes intensive therapy for someone with BPD, and a romantic partner cannot be their partner's therapist.

I did the best I could as an ignorant person.  Even an informed person cannot be perfect all of the time.  I read a story of a person with BPD cheating on their partner who was being hospitalized with cancer. 

This seems extreme, but after what I have experienced, nothing shocks me.  Rejection can be real or imagined.

I always felt like I couldn't win, and became exhausted and sort of broken over time, but I NEVER wanted to leave.  I loved him and still love him.   I can't stress enough that I NEVER thought my husband would cheat on me and I really don't know if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent this.  I don't wish what I am going through on anyone.  That is why I am posting this.  I actually thought things were getting better with us because there was less intensity and more calm.  I have to remind myself that we were not experiencing things the same way.  One of the many horrible things about BPD is that everywhere I read says you can't help him, you can't suggest he get help, and he probably won't seek help on his own, possibly until he attempts suicide or something else very drastic happens.  Has anyone succeeding in helping their partner to get help? 

I am not nc with my husband.  There is still a chance that I would be willing to postpone divorce if he were to seek help.  That is not likely, I know.  He does TALK about not wanting to get divorced, love, etc.

Anyway, I really appreciate this board it has helped me a lot already.  Any answers or perspectives are appreciated. 
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summera

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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2014, 10:03:40 PM »

I apologize if this belongs more in the undecided forum.  I just was hoping for perspective from those who are staying on their experiences with their partners getting help. 

Also, sorry for posting so much background info, I tend to spill my thoughts out typing... .
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MissyM
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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2014, 10:37:41 PM »

First of all, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position.  My dBPDh and I were actually divorced and got back together.  Follow the lessons and see where they take you.  My dBPDh has cheated multiple times but is being treated for drug and sex addiction, you are correct about replacing one poor coping mechanism with another.  My dBPDh was using drugs and after drug rehab switched to compulsive sex.  Now that he is getting the right treatment, our lives are actually on the right track.  As far as how to get him to get help, I think everyone's journey is a little different.  My dBPDh has usually been willing to go to therapy and it is a condition for me to stay married to him.  That does not mean we don't have set backs, we do but we are both handling things a lot better.
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summera

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« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2014, 05:41:21 AM »

Hi, MissyM, thanks so much for your reply.  It helps so much.

I actually had the opportunity to speak to a very talented therapist whose expertise is helping to get one's spouse back in situations like mine.  We did not talk about BPD, but the things he suggested about my husband were quite accurate.  The tools he taught were almost the exact same as the ones on this website.  He suggested that we might get divorced and get remarried- if I chose to stay, if he chose to stay. 

I wish you the best on your journey  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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waverider
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« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2014, 06:23:30 AM »

This is a commonly asked question and the answer is complex with many variables.

Some pwBPD go on to full symptom free therapy results, others do enough to manage their conditions so it is less destructive and a happy RS can result. Some go through all this become free of it only to then be completely incompatable and RS still falls apart.

Some continue as is but their partners (nons) change their own ways of thinking and interacting and the RS still succeeds because the BPD behavior doesn't have such a negative effect.

Some senior members have become extremely knowledgeable, but end up deciding its no longer for them.

The most important progress is that YOU come to a better clarity as to what you are dealing with, what YOU can change, and what you can't so that you can proceed with the rest of your life in a healthier way, whether that be with or without your partner.

Pushing for your partner to get therapy is not the be all and end all, results are not quick nor guaranteed. The biggest impact is in new ways you interact with your partner, and what you learn about you.

Things will always seem worse on forums as those who have found a happy balance don't have the same incentive to post here.
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summera

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« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2014, 01:01:23 PM »

Hi, waverider,

Thank you so much for your reply, you have given me excellent information.  For me, I cannot enter a romantic relationship with my husband again, unless he gets professional help.  That's why I am interested in what has led people to know that they needed help.

I know that even if he gets help, it is not a guarantee of anything.  I also wholeheartedly know that I need to better understand the relationship between love and boundaries for myself and I have a lot of work to do on myself, whether or not I stay with my husband.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2014, 01:43:27 PM »

Honestly, I would not be in my r/s if she was not open about having issues and not open to getting help.  She still blames me for everything much of the time, but those times where she has taken ownership of her distress keep me in the game.  It's hard, though, and I think infidelity would be one of those boundaries that I could not move forward from.  Same would go for drug use or serious violence. 

Has she gotten help? She tells me she has been hospitalized 10-12 times, the first time at age 16.  She has gone through drug rehabs and DBT therapy.  She's been relatively active in 12 step programs most of her adult life.  So when things started falling apart for her a few months after she moved in, she knew what she had to do.  I haven't yet had to say, "go get help or move out," because she is usually a step ahead of me.

Waverider makes a good point - that them simply seeking help is not often reason enough for us to stay long term.  There are just so many other factors at play here.  In the case of my fiancĂ©, all the help she has thought has not "cured" her of her BPD - she clearly still meets all 9 criteria.  The plus side is she has been sober for 12 years, and has not cut or attempted suicide in a very long time, so obviously she has developed some better coping skills.
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summera

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« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2014, 03:55:15 PM »

Thanks for your response maxsterling,

I wish you and your fiance the best.  I agree with you that there are a lot of factors in deciding.  I never thought I could forgive cheating, but I also never imagined he would ever cheat on me.  I didn't know about BPD really, just suspected it many years ago.  Very unfortunately, I did not dig into this suspicion, so our relationship was kind of a free for all for many years.  This is the first time he ever mentioned feeling that there was something wrong with him. 

I feel like his affair is the perfect storm.  Any and all factors that lead a person to an affair seemed to be present.   I have been reading about affairs (separate from BPD) and there are many factors that go into it it seems- opportunity and lack of understanding of one's own vulnerability are high on the list. Nothing makes it right and it seems unpleasantly common for someone who never thought they would cheat to cheat- especially when it is an emotional affair (that turns physical).  People seem to convince themselves they are in love and let themselves go for it.  I have never cheated in any way, and I feel safe saying I never would.

She (affair partner) may have BPD for all I know, but I know he has been acting as rescuer to her.  I haven't decided anything yet as I am not in a position to decide anything anyway.  I am continuing with divorce planning and we have a 2nd divorce mediation meeting planned for later in the week.  I am being kind to him but keeping boundaries.  Again, I very much appreciate the feedback here.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2014, 05:16:48 PM »

My dBPDh does not get therapy or is on medications, but we do talk. He knows his issues, and works on them. In turn, I work on myself to not engage the negative behaviors, learning to not trigger them, and learning to not internalize what he says.

It's my decision to stay or go, and I choose to stay. I choose to work on myself to change my way of thinking for the better... .IE not depending on him to validate me, not expecting him to do things I know he won't or can't do. I choose to set boundaries and stick by them.

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waverider
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« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2014, 05:39:12 PM »

Often there needs to be a lot of ground work done, and being on the "same team" before therapy can be really effective. Otherwise it becomes same old same old, in one side and out the other, never really sticking at a core level.

The lack of a real sense of self means there is very little "self" for any changes to stick to and so they are just washed away with the next crazy impulse/obsession that blows through.

Your comment re your H's affair partner may have issues is valid as they could well be "rescuing" each other with a mixture of idealization and projection.

Affairs happen for many reasons as you have probably discovered. The difference when BPD is involved as they truly believe it is their business and non of yours. The effect on you is not of concern. They have the ability to delude themselves that following their own impulses is acceptable for the most distorted reasons.

So what does all this mean? It means that if you want to be involved with a pwBPD you really have to understand they do not see or feel things the way you do. It is a Disorder rather than than just being deliberately nasty. They live in a state of constant fear of attack and criticism, and delusion is their main defence. It is a horrible way to live.

Attempting to shoehorn them into "normal" ways of thinking simply is a reciepe for failure. We have to change our expectations
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summera

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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2014, 10:01:31 AM »

Thanks, waverider, for your very helpful comments.  Now that I have come to understand so much about this disorder I am actually starting to feel better in many ways.  This experience, however excruciating, has given me a lot of insight about myself and my previous views on relationships and life in general.  I want to grow from this, and I feel like I have already begun that process. 

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waverider
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« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2014, 06:21:23 PM »

Thanks, waverider, for your very helpful comments.  Now that I have come to understand so much about this disorder I am actually starting to feel better in many ways.  This experience, however excruciating, has given me a lot of insight about myself and my previous views on relationships and life in general.  I want to grow from this, and I feel like I have already begun that process. 

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thats good, it puts us to the test and we come out be more centered and less "precious' as you say, regardless of whether a RS can be saved or not.

If you never take the time to learn about the disorder, or see our part in the dynamics it is hard to rid yourself of bitterness and resentment, and all those "what ifs". The scar runs deeper.

It is all too easy to run headlong into the arms of the next pwBPD who is laying on all the idealization traits that your ex "used to be like". Knowing why you were attracted to a pwBPD in the first place is a good grounding
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