Enmeshment. Can we detach and stay married?

[ziniztar]

She now has information about what it is. I've always admired her for the ability to succeed at anything, but she needs to choose what it is. I think she has chosen to change BPD. Time will tell.

i recognize this. My dBPDbf went to therapy by himself. A girlfriend pointed out he could have had ADHD, that was all. He went there. He accepted the BPD diagnosis after 6 months of ADHD training. He started weekly therapy. He has tried a new form of therapy for a few months. He is trying a new psycho-therapist and has invited his old T to join that first meeting.

I admire his desire to change, even though he can be extreme hopeless sometimes.

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[Moselle]

I know enmeshment is a choice of the non.

I have just realised that I feel in sympathy with her. When she's dysregulated I feel the pain too. Even 1500km away. It's an anxious feeling, in tandem with her.

I wish I didn't, but I do, and I'm not sure how I can manage/change that .

I guess it's a fear of what comes next, the hatred, the shouting, the invalidation. I've become accustomed to it

[Grey Kitty]

At the beginning there was discussion about how detachment is part of fixing you, but cannot fix the marriage or the partner.

I'd add that while detachment will not fix the r/s, enmeshment nearly rules out a healthy r/s.

When she's dysregulated I feel the pain too.

You notice her pain. With dysregulation, it is obvious!

What happens in you next?

Feeling the pain like it is yours? -- Enmeshment

Fearing what will come at you next? -- Also Enmeshment

Not being able to feel anything, or perhaps relief at avoiding it? -- Indifference, perhaps? Detachment, but without the love?

Feeling sorry for her? -- Pity

Lovingly caring that she is hurting? -- Compassion

It is a learning/growing process for you to work through (I don't know that you will go through them all, or in any particular order). I hope you make it to the point of feeling compassion for her. Whatever happens to your marriage.

[waverider]

Keep in mind detaching does not mean distancing or isolating, simple keeping a level of independent control.

You need a certain level of detachment to support someone else, otherwise you are just dragged into the same hole with them