Must have exact details? You cannot deviate.

[mssalty]

A continual bone of contention is that my SO must always have specific details about how I dealt with or will deal with something, and if they find out later I haven't dealt with it in the same way as outlined previously (or if my story the day of varies slightly a few days later when my memory becomes hazy), it's called out.   

For instance, if I'm angry at the plumber for not fixing a pipe, and I say I'm going to say X, Y, and Z to him about it, and I describe my conversation later in the day and don't address X, Y or Z in the same manner, my SO will get upset about it.   If I discuss it a few days later and reframe the conversation or leave out a detail, my SO will call me on that. 

The reality is that I have moved on, and unless it's incredibly vital to me, I probably don't make mental note of everything that goes on.   It's a frustrating expectation to be held against me.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Inability to prioritize the important issues from trivia causes this, so they obsess over "snapshots" without being able to link them all together into the bigger picture.

Less is more is often the safer way it avoids turning maybes into black and white rules of operation.

He can call you on it, but you don't need to answer it. Otherwise you end up in JADE and sound like you are deliberately covering up, and round it goes

[meerkat1]

I see this most often when dealing with my family. Anytime I see my mom/dad or talk to them, or have any interaction. I have to explain every little detail of the interaction over and over again. If I spend 5 minutes on the phone with my mom, I spend at least 2 hours with my SO explaining the conversation. It may go on for several days, too.

I find it is just easier to not talk to my mom anymore. I can't handle it.

Same thing happens in many other situations, just not quite as bad.

[maxsterling]

If you notice, this issue extrapolates to every area of their lives.  It's not a lack of details, it's a lack of feeling good about those details.  You can give them every bit of information available, and as long as they are still feeling upset, they will claim there is information being withheld from them.  Giving them more and more info is like feeding a black hole.  You can never fill it up.

Most of us nons go about our lives expecting to have to fill in the holes of what we don't know, evaluate priorities, and make decisions knowing the world is incomplete.  We have learned to react to unknowns as they come.  BPDs, though feel an internal chaos, and they try to solve that internal chaos with the external.  That mean in times of distress, they place impossible expectations on their external environment.  I'm sure you have been in many of these situations -she asks for details, you give them, she's not satisfied, she asks for more, you don't have more, she claims you are lying, she gets upset, you defend, you get angry... . 

And worse yet, when the pwBPD does try to fill the "holes" in life they fill it with something that doesn't make sense - some kind of alternate reality or means of expecting the worse.  That means, if you can't tell her exactly when you will be home from work, she questions why, and some how that leads to an accusation that you are having an affair or don't want to spend time with her.  

Think of a pwBPD like the 5 year old child asking "are we there yet" over and over.  Or the child who keeps asking "why" when you are trying to explain something.  I think those are good analogies to what we face.  A 5 year old has limited knowledge of the world, and feels that he or she has no control over it.  All they know is that they are hungry or bored or curious, and a simple reply won't satisfy them because they don't understand it.

Child: "I'm hungry."

Adult: "we will eat soon."

Child "How soon? I'm hungry"

Adult: "When we get to grandma's house in half an hour."

Child: "How long is that?"

Adult:  "Just a little while, be patient.  Why don't you look at your book?"

Child:  "But I am hungry now!"

Adult: "I know sweety, but there is nothing I can do about that right now."

*child then starts throwing a tantrum*

Sound familiar?

[vortex of confusion]

Think of a pwBPD like the 5 year old child asking "are we there yet" over and over.  Or the child who keeps asking "why" when you are trying to explain something.  I think those are good analogies to what we face.  A 5 year old has limited knowledge of the world, and feels that he or she has no control over it.  All they know is that they are hungry or bored or curious, and a simple reply won't satisfy them because they don't understand it.

Oh my goodness, this is the perfect example and sheds a lot of light on things. In reality, I think it is easier to deal with a 5 year old.  With the kids, I can tell them a rather firm NO and they are more likely to respect it without getting all pouty and weird. With the kids, I have a better chance of explaining things in a rational manner and having them understand.

I know that my husband will pester me about details for things. When I give details, it leads to places that I really don't want to go. When I talk to family members and stuff, I have tried to give answers like, "SSDD, you know how my mom is. Nothing much ever changes." And, there is one particular thing that my husband likes to ask about. He tells me that I can give a yes or no answer. I told him flat out that I will not answer either way. I know that if I say NO, he will want to know why and want specifics. If I say YES, he will badger me for more details and it will lead to a fight. So, I simply refuse to answer the question. It isn't always easy though.

[thereishope]

-(he) asks for details, you give them, (he's) not satisfied, (he) asks for more, you don't have more, (he) claims you are lying, (he) gets upset, you defend, you get angry... . 

Totally understand this cycle... .!

[flowerpath]

Yes.  I see the focus on details that to me are insignificant. 

I basically got fed up with being in situations such as this.  If I see that I’m going to be stuck in a situation of having to explain a conversation and details that were never discussed, or be the middle man between him and someone else, I give my husband the contact info and tell him that he will get better results if he talks with so-and-so himself.  That way I don’t get grilled about “Did you ask…?  Did you say….?   Did he say…?”

That is just way too much!

He asks about what I’ve said in conversations with my family (basically whether I’ve told them every little good thing he has done since the last blowout), but I don’t share any details with him.   I just respond with a SET kind of comment.  He can fuss, but I don’t participate.  He can sulk, and it's irritating, but I have a good relationship with my family members.  Life is short, so I can't let his behavior keep me from having a good relationship them, especially with my mom since she is aging.  I live several hours away from her and treasure every minute conversation with her.  Boundary!