Seriosuly considering ending relationship

[Moselle]

Wrongturn1,  thanks for sharing. The answers are inconvenient truths. The word 'parasitic' comes to mind. As ugly as it sounds, that is just what it is.

And it's not just one way. It's both ways, until one chooses not to be a host any more. Once that happens, the relationship changes forever. The other must choose to stay parasitic or adapt. I choose the word adapt, because I believe they cannot change who they are. But I believe they can choose to behave better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Would like to make sure everyone reading this understands that there are a number of people on this message board that have seen the effects of BPD on their r/s improve dramatically.

Some even say it has been cured or in remission.

So... any statements that you come across saying BPD NEVER gets better or ALWAYS gets worse after this or that life event... .just aren't true. 

My store is an example of that.  I doubt I will ever claim that BPD traits are completely gone from my r/s... .but compared to where I was 6 months ago... .my life and r/s are dramatically better.

Getting educated about BPD and putting the lessons into work will give you the best chance for your r/s.  They are not a guarantee of anything. 

The closest guarantee that I can give anyone... .is that letting BPD run its course in your r/s without treatment or using lessons on this site is a recipe for disaster. 

I encourage everyone to give it all they have for the sake of their r/s.  However it eventually turns out... .you will be a stronger, healthier person for it... .and will minimize your chances of having regrets.

I'm glad I'm a stayer... .I think I have a good future and I'm willing to work hard to make that future a reality.

[ziniztar]

masterxling, I understand your struggle 

one thing my new, very healthy roommate told me is this: you don't always have to know the answer... if you don't know it, you can be fine with that for a while as well

right now you've switched to a period of you doubting the r/s again

doubt comes with a lot of fear of deciding the wrong thing

here's the thing: you don't have to decide right now

i hope that takes off the edge a little

x zin

[maxsterling]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.  So much to think about.  Part of me deciding to move forward in this relationship required me to accept that there is a decent chance it won't work out.  A fair number of engagements end before marriage.  And a large percentages of marriages don't last 5 years.  Add BPD - and it's just realistic to keep the possibility of things ending in the back of my mind.  So when I decided to move forward, also in my mind was reserving the right to re-evaluate, change my mind or reconsider.  And also accepting her right to do the same. I tried to base my decision on only me - this is what I want, and put it on her to decide if she wants the same thing. I need to remind myself that I have freedom and time to make a new decision, whatever that may be.

From everyone's responses, it sounds like most of you went into marriage being somewhat in denial or having no knowledge of BPD, and that if you had known more, you would have made a different decision.  Am I right?  I'm sure we all saw red flags, but maybe not put the pieces together?  I was hoping to hear from someone who saw the red flags, put the pieces together, knew about BPD and what it means, and still decided to get married.  The realities of BPD are grim, and it helps to know what I face.  

[maric]

Yes, we did not get married but I moved to another country to be with her, not knowing about BPD.

Hard to say, but if I had known, I think I would have proceed with much more careful. I'm pretty sure the white knight in me would still want to save her, but also, I would not give up on the same amount of things in my life as I did to be with her.

Almost 10 months out of the rs, I am still healing, and after walking through hell, I am finally putting my life together again – except for my crushed self-steem, but this is something I have to deal with myself.

[takingandsending]

Max,

You're right. I ignored the red flags, and didn't explore to find out about BPD. I never considered my wife had a mental illness (even though I said under my breath countless times that she was crazy). It's not fair for us to place our own charge on you in a difficult decision. I apologize if I have done so.

It is a very personal decision, and I respect your process greatly. From my own side, as I have read your posts, my filters thought that perhaps you had growing reservations that ran deeper than irritation at your fiancee's criticisms of you and her own struggles. You are examining them, which is really brave. Keep going.

And formflier, you are right as well. I have been re-reading the success stories, reading people like oceanheart and others who have really had the incredible fortitude to weather this illness and come out the other side, if not in "remission", in appreciation for other and happiness for themselves. Please understand that that hope for us nons in bad RS's is a frightening thing. I have had my hopes and prayers for my wife crushed so often. And I think that the percentages do not support so many happy endings. It is, as always, a difficult and deeply personal choice that one must make on their own.

I appreciate all the support and love given on this site. Truly, there are a lot of amazing people working through their process. 

[ziniztar]

From everyone's responses, it sounds like most of you went into marriage being somewhat in denial or having no knowledge of BPD, and that if you had known more, you would have made a different decision.  Am I right?  I'm sure we all saw red flags, but maybe not put the pieces together?  I was hoping to hear from someone who saw the red flags, put the pieces together, knew about BPD and what it means, and still decided to get married.  The realities of BPD are grim, and it helps to know what I face.  

I knew about it from the start and went ahead with the r/s. Okay, I didn't get married, and we still don't live together. But the fact he was honest about it, was going to therapy himself (meaning he wanted to change things) meant the world to me. They still do. I really don't know how things will end, if we really turn out to be a success story and one day I get to marry him when all this is manageable. Lots of hurdles to take before that.

I understand why you're asking this, I've asked the same thing. All I know is I care for him, we have some sort of friendship going on as well, and that I feel he deserves a chance because of all the hard work he's doing. Once the hard work stops, or he keeps taking the same hurdle over and over again... I'm out. He knows that.

[123Phoebe]

From everyone's responses, it sounds like most of you went into marriage being somewhat in denial or having no knowledge of BPD, and that if you had known more, you would have made a different decision.  Am I right?  I'm sure we all saw red flags, but maybe not put the pieces together?  I was hoping to hear from someone who saw the red flags, put the pieces together, knew about BPD and what it means, and still decided to get married.  The realities of BPD are grim, and it helps to know what I face.  

I'm not married, but would absolutely 100% go through every single thing I have with my guy again.  I have no doubts about him or us or whatever!  I'm not thinking that it will end eventually;  I feel strong enough within myself to be able to handle it if our relationship were to end-- there's a difference.  I feel strong enough to handle anything that comes down the pike.

He's taught me a lot about myself.  Our relationship is great!

Had I not learned what I have from this website about boundaries and values and how to take care of myself, I might be telling a completely different story, facing a different reality... .Not because of what he does, doesn't or might do, but because of what I believe in, who I am.

We ARE the other half of the relationship and bring our own baggage into it.

When I say things like "You can't change her", I'm by no means saying that she can't change.  We do not have the power to change another person, it's not our job anyway, so I stopped trying to change him.  Full stop.

That means not coddling or enabling.  Giving him room to work through things, come to me in his own way, letting him be himself, appreciating him for being him, accepting who he is and not some manifestation of a convoluted dream.

And I think he's wonderful, just the way he is

You know your fiancé.  Can you accept her without wishing for her to change?  Can you handle whatever comes down the pike, without giving yourself up and away, living with regrets?

 

[Grey Kitty]

From everyone's responses, it sounds like most of you went into marriage being somewhat in denial or having no knowledge of BPD, and that if you had known more, you would have made a different decision.  Am I right?  I'm sure we all saw red flags, but maybe not put the pieces together?  I was hoping to hear from someone who saw the red flags, put the pieces together, knew about BPD and what it means, and still decided to get married.  The realities of BPD are grim, and it helps to know what I face. 

I got married young, w/o other relationship experience to guide me for or against what I dove into. Looking back, I do see occasional instances of BPD characteristics (red flags) early on, but it was more like once a year a depressive episode that included kitchen-sinking me. Otherwise she is and was very high-functioning, with a career as successful as mine, etc.

Only after ~15 years of marriage did the BPD behavior start to get more frequent, building over another few years to the intensity that ultimately led me here, and I realized there were people just like my wife married to others here.

I started working on myself in the r/s (boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, not JADEing, more boundaries, and validation, and still more boundaries, and still not JADEing... .).

That left my wife dealing with her own stuff 'cuz I wouldn't pick it up, and over a couple years she recovered fully. In the last ~year she has had some serious (sometimes incapacitating) grief, going into depression and anxiety, which she is dealing with as best she can... .and is owning, rather than blaming me/projecting onto me. I am soo proud of her passing this test with flying colors!

... .thinking about all this and your situation... .

Can you grow, learn, and thrive in a r/s with your fiancé? Not just live in fear of what she will do next?