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Author Topic: when painted black - does one try to change her paint color?  (Read 362 times)
nightmoves
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« on: September 24, 2014, 09:29:43 AM »

My BPDw goes into these specific moods when I am simply painted in a negative way. I realize this is a common a specific occurrence when dealing with a person with BPD... .and understand the coping tools like SET and JADE etc... but wondered if others have as difficult a time being negativey painted and how they cope or react to it.

Before I even knew about BPD - I remember feeling often like it was my "entire being" she was angry at. NOT a specific incidence or occurrence. NOT the issue she was blaming me for at the moment (many times a reach and inane). But rather, she was casting aspersions at the human I was, the entire person. The contempt javascript:void(0);was evident in a way that felt like it was ME the person... .that she hated.

When I grew up - the word "hate" was forbidden in our house. We were taught to not hate anyone... .the thought of us saying that to one another in the family - was the furthest thing from my mind. Was taught that everyone deserved to be treated kindly, respectfully. Hate was a word and a concept we did not use.

Yet - she has said, screamed, yelled that to me 100's and 100's of times over the years.

The question I have is this.

Thanks to this board and the tools and the many incredible people on this board - I have FAR better learned how to both reduce, recognize, and cope with far more issues in dealing with my wife and BPD.

But that still does not do anything for the gut wrenching feeling when your partner/spouse wakes each day and gives you a look of disdain, disrespect, utter and total contempt. THIS is the person who is supposed to matter in this world. THIS is the person who is the one person who counts. It is supposed to be a spouses safe haven AGAINST the ups and downs that we face in our life. They are supposed to be the ONE person who sees FAR more good in you - than bad. At a minumum - THIS is the person who should accept you as human. You have your good - and your bad. But they KNOW you. And as such NOW you are a good person and respect you and honor teh path you walk together in this life.

So - in my utter angst to spend days this way... .i eventually (if it continues for a longer duration) attempt to try and discuss, point out, understand in an attempt to end the painting.

I assume that this is a BAD thing strategically with a pwBPD.

But - other than just accepting it - what else can be done to stop it?

I guess my biggest flaw is that IF I can find a way to showcase or illustrate it to her - she will OF COURSE stop. My logical mind says "who would WANT to treat another person that way?" "who would continue if they actually SEE how hurtful and contemptuous they are being to their SPOUSE!"?

Am I a fool? Maybe I need to understand that when she is painting my black - she does not CARE. In fact, when she is painting me black it is completely to make HER feel better. And the most difficult one for me - perhaps I REALLY need to understand (as so may have written on this site) that it is NOT at all about me.

Maybe this a simply a REALLY difficult concept to buy into for some reason. So - does in turn that mean that the GOOD painting has nothing to do with me as well? Do ALL their outward emotions simply belie the tip of the iceberg of the chaos internally and the color of paint choice simply mean it is what THEY need at the moment?

IF they are feeling a certain way - they paint with one color.

IF they are feeling another way - they paint with a different color.

The environment - and the realities - have little to do with the choice.

Their INTERNAL issues do.

Therein - the non - and the realities of the day or environment really are not what much of their anger, contempt, rage, blame are al about.

(e.g. ... .it truly is NOT about me)

It is double difficult - as the paint color can change (and usually does) after a really GOOD run of wonderfully bright colors - to black. Without warning. Without any issue between us. In fact, it SEEMS that there is some INTERNAL shift that I see in her first. The beginnings of HER internally wrestling with something that does not really include me... .and then ... .I become the paint target.

So - any advice would be helpful. I am on week 2 of being treated with total disdain... .and like a completely disrespected fool. (which I am VERY not in the "real world".I simply find it impossible to live like this.

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Marvis
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« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2014, 01:59:16 PM »

Holy cow nightmoves,  your post really got me. I have zero helpful input BUT reading it made me cry. Mostly because how you're feeling,  I'm feeling the exact same things. I don't feel the hate for the situation, which in reality that's where it should be directed,  I instead feel that my existence is hated. My uBPDbf has told me over and over again that he doesn't care how he makes me feel (perhaps he doesn't want the guilt associated with my feelings) I told him yesterday after he verbally attacked me for something unrealistic that I felt set up. He said he wants me to feel just as bad as he does and he doesn't care. I was always taught to treat others the way you want to be treated,  you get what you give. I give unconditional love to this man which he admittedly can't understand and get blamed for the world being a messed up place. It's frustrating but I love him and am trying my damndest to be strong. 
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nightmoves
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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2014, 10:07:34 PM »

Marvis -

I am sorry you too are feeling this way and dealing with that.

(and sorry I made you cry... .)

Nightmoves
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Marvis
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« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2014, 01:52:27 AM »

Marvis -

I am sorry you too are feeling this way and dealing with that.

(and sorry I made you cry... .)

Nightmoves

No apology necessary nightmoves.  It is what it is. I can only do so much. Same with you, we just need to take care of ourselves which isn't easy when you get made to feel like poop by the person who should never make you feel that way. It's just nice,  for lack of a better word, to know we aren't the only ones and we aren't crazy
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2014, 06:30:29 PM »

.

But that still does not do anything for the gut wrenching feeling when your partner/spouse wakes each day and gives you a look of disdain, disrespect, utter and total contempt. THIS is the person who is supposed to matter in this world. THIS is the person who is the one person who counts. It is supposed to be a spouses safe haven AGAINST the ups and downs that we face in our life. They are supposed to be the ONE person who sees FAR more good in you - than bad. At a minumum - THIS is the person who should accept you as human. You have your good - and your bad. But they KNOW you. And as such NOW you are a good person and respect you and honor teh path you walk together in this life.

She cant do this as her empathy and ability to balance and regulate her thoughts prevent this. If anyone, she hates herself and her only way of soothing this is to project it onto you as a way of getting it out


So - in my utter angst to spend days this way... .i eventually (if it continues for a longer duration) attempt to try and discuss, point out, understand in an attempt to end the painting.

I assume that this is a BAD thing strategically with a pwBPD.

But - other than just accepting it - what else can be done to stop it?

By trying to stop it you are blocking her only known soothing mechanism, that is seen as hostile on your part (in her mind), so she will react by expanding the range of attacks and accusations.

Safer to let her blow it into the wind, and stay out of the wind.

Your background of not allowing frustrations and anger to show leaves you completely vulnerable to the raw emotional volatility of a pwBPD. It is hard for you not to take these  things personally.

I was always taught to treat others the way you want to be treated,  you get what you give.

A pwBPD wants you to feel the way he feels, and will treat you in whatever way it takes to achieve this. This is why when they feel good they will treat you like a god, and when they feel bad they will treat you like the devil. It is a way of soothing and validating their own feelings, if they are hating on someone you have to too. If they admire someone you have to too. When their view swings so too has yours. Otherwise you are seen as opposing and invalidating. You are either on their team or against them.

If they scream at you they want you to scream back, that way the screaming match is not all their fault, they can pass the blame onto you as they subtly shift to victim mode, you feel set up, react and suddenly look like the bully. Projection complete.

To deal with these types of cycles you have to step out of them, otherwise it descends into cycles of reaction & counter reaction. All original reasons are lost in the process.
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nightmoves
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« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2014, 11:11:29 AM »

Dear Waverider... (and I do hope you truly get on some waves down there... .)

THANK YOU... .

Incredibly insightful... .have reread about 12 times already... .

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