The New Norm

[takingandsending]

So, things with uBPDw and I have leveled off and are in a holding pattern. I understand her behaviors better and can see when she is heading into dysregulation. I am regularly applying S and E (not perfect, but best I can give), validation of (her) feelings occurring frequently, keeping stronger boundaries, allowing myself to feel my feelings and practicing self-care/self-love.

However, I am stuck in the gnawing feeling that while things are not as terrible as they were, they are not very enjoyable for either of us. I can support her efforts with her book, her life coaching business, her assorted interests, her efforts in therapy. She is supporting, as much as she can, my family to family support classes. I hide everything to do with BPD and study of mental illness (workbooks, classes, etc). I still get loads of blame directed at me for irrational things. I am still painted black for failing to meet all of her needs. I still swim in the push pull currents. I only get to the truth in SET when it seems like it is remotely workable with her. I receive almost zero validation from her. We rarely engage in meaningful problem solving together and we have little to no moments of tenderness for one another.

My life outside of her has been improving steadily. I am doing more things with my sons more freely and not worrying about her judgments or manipulations of my interactions with them. I am happier at work, relating to peers in my support groups and seeking out my own T for support. All in all, I feel stronger than I was when I came to this site.

But this RS - is this the new norm? Can't decide if this is worth staying for. Is this your norm? Functional but not fulfilling? 

PS - I am asking a question about your RS, not your thoughts on mine.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

But this RS - is this the new norm? Can't decide if this is worth staying for. Is this your norm? Functional but not fulfilling? 

PS - I am asking a question about your RS, not your thoughts on mine.

I think I am in a similar place as you. I am doing better with boundaries and am doing more with the kids and such. Like you, I feel like things are more stable and peaceful but they are far from fulfilling. At times, it feels like just going through the motions. I feel like I am trying to find ways to meet all of my needs outside of the relationship. As a result, I ask myself, "What is the point of even saying we have a relationship or even a marriage? Is this how it is going to be moving forward? Am I going to continue to get all of my needs met elsewhere just so I can be strong enough to stay in this relationship?

My spouse perceives things as going so well and so great and he says he is ready to start working our relationship. For the longest time, he said he couldn't be bothered with working on our relationship because he needed to focus on his recovery with sex addiction and he wanted to focus on improving his relationship with the kids. Our relationship has been on the back burner for over a year now. I feel like most of the improvements are due to efforts on my part to work on myself. I feel like a lot of the improvements are because I have simply checked out so that I can validate and step out of the conflict cycle.

[takingandsending]

Thanks, vortex.

I keep re-reading not to expect big change right away; it's a long road. I have been married for 15 years and in the RS for 18 years. Working on the RS another year shouldn't seem so bad, especially as we have moved to better functionality. It's just so clinical and cold now. I suppose I may  miss the fantasy that we could somehow magically rediscover one another. Certainly delusional but I had more hope to sustain me than I do now. In the RS, I feel more aware, alert and supportive and less loving, enjoying and compassionate.

[Mono No Aware]

Ah, now that is a very useful phrase "The New Normal".

In the Lessons we learn that "Before it can better we have to stop making it worse."

Well, I have stopped making it worse. I have become fairly adept at defusing episodes with SET, usually resist JADE, weather the episodes that do occur without enmeshing, and when the mood is right I valiantly keep bringing up therapy.

But the old RS, the loving couple, is long a thing of the past. The RS is now a cycle of detente, flickers of warmth, detente, dysregulation, detente, and through it the recurrent theme is unmet needs on both sides.

We have reached a stalemate. She will not go to therapy, and I will not cave in to her disorder's demands for me to end the RS as I know that's a fool's errand, not only an obvious self-fulfilling-abandonment-ploy but a grim reminder that the last time I left eventually led to her suicide attempt.

Nothing lasts forever, everything evolves and/or dissolves. I think this is going to be a long journey.

Feeling dark today. But there is a quiet strength in the loneliness.

[maxsterling]

This is an excellent topic.  I certainly feel for where you are coming from.  The chaos has subsided somewhat, you are pouring your energy into the tools here, yet don't have a clear picture as to what "fulfilling" or even "functional" means. 

My personal feeling on this is that for us to have some amount of enjoyment in a relationship with someone who exhibits BPD symptoms, WE HAVE TO BE CAPABLE OF MEETING ALL OF OUR OWN NEEDS, because we will be disappointed if we have any expectations of the pwBPD.  That means the "new normal" = functional.  That means you taking care of your needs, and she taking care of her needs.  Or at least you stopping habits of trying to take care of her needs for her. 

Fulfilling?  I've had to re-examine what is meant by that.  If that means tender closeness when I need it, or her taking buying me gifts or doing nice gestures, I might as well move on because it's just not in the cards.  And right now, I would be happy if she took care of her own needs, quit expecting me to take care of her needs, quit blaming me for her needs not being met, and recognized my freedom to take care of myself.  To me, that would be fulfilling, because it is functional.  In my mind, that looks like each of us having our own lives and interests and mostly taking care of ourselves, and we come together when the mood and temperament is right. 

[takingandsending]

max, you bring up a good point. Maybe I need to revisit my definition of functional. 

I consider us functional because we are not fighting every day and we can go from her dysregulation formerly lasting 2-3 days to only lasting 1 day. I still am getting blamed, being asked to fulfill her needs, etc. This is functional, but not necessarily pleasant. It's functional because I am less inclined to engage in the BPD behaviors and also doing more for myself. 

I just wonder if this is as good as it gets. When I read posts from some success stories and from people like oceanheart, I know there is the possibility of recovery for the pwBPD, but since that depends on our SO, I can't expect that and I'm not sure I even hope for it at this point (knowing more about the disease). Still wishing you patience and clarity on your own decision - it's a tough one.