Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:54:38 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: RE:I feel helpless and confused  (Read 357 times)
faerie80
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2



« on: September 24, 2014, 07:12:00 PM »

I have been married for a year with my wife, we have known each other for 5 years. I only start suspecting that she has BPD after being together with her for 3 years. In the beginning, whenever she acts out, I would try to calm her down, help her solve her problems and try to explain as much as possible.

I love my wife but I do not know what to do anymore. Her constant mood swings, blaming, anger, insecurity has really affected my sanity. I am like a soldier at the war front, constantly worrying what would happen next. I cannot rest at all mentally and physically, I can feel that I am getting weaker mentally. Her constant abuse verbally and blaming is really tiring for me, it seems like no matter how much effort I put in, she is INDIFFERENT towards it. She does not know even try seeing things at my perspective, not even willing to listen to my explanation, not appreciating the effort I put in. She does not TRUST me at all no matter how truthful I am towards her.

She is unable to feel guilty over things that she does that has hurt me or the family. She would storm out of the house, not answering my calls and would buy liquor. Almost all the time she would take a knife, either wanting to kill herself or trying to hurt me.

I have also started to feel so affected by her emotions and would be physical towards her after many attempts of trying to explain things to her and calm her down. I always failed and this vicious cycle is killing me, I have reduced my physical actions towards her but no matter how I explain to her things or even avoid her, she would come and provoke me or threatens me by saying she would leave or would storm out of the house.

These 2 days she is back to her emotionally charged MODE again. On Tuesday morning about 4 am, she woke up just to check my hand phone for any records of  unfaithful actions on my part. She emphasized on 1 message that was sent to me and take it out of context, no matter how hard I try to explain she would not believe. Even if I am able to explain. she would look for another word in the message and kept asking me why "USE THIS WORD." She would say "I want the truth" her crusade for the truth, I told her the truth but she would continue to say " Stop lying" "I want the truth". I am not sure what else can I do if its already the truth, I cannot admit to things that I have not done. Wednesday she is still continuing with her crusade and I explained again. Until this morning she is still continuing with her crusade which I have no idea against who or what.

I am really at a loss. I love my wife and want to be with her but her behaviours are killing me daily. I am losing strength and sanity slowly. She is also unwilling to seek professional help and would blame it on me for whatever things she did. She would say I am the one that I need help and should go seek professional help. No matter how many times I bring out the suggestion of professional help, she would not go. Even though I told her that I would also go and seek help. What should  I do? No matter what I say, my wife never understand and unwilling to make any changes.

I told her to focus on present and work on our relationship but she would refuse. She would keep going back to my past, those past that were before I even know her. I am thinking of divorce now and it is the most painful decision I have to made. I cannot take this anymore.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Lucky One
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164



« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2014, 03:53:38 AM »

Hi There,

I'm so glad you joined us . Welcome

Here you will get some fantastic advice and be directed to information and articles which should be most helpful to you.

I'm also fairly new on the website as well, but just wanted to welcome you and say that I am most sorry that you are going through such a difficult and sad time. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You are not alone.

Please see part of my story below:

I'd just like to say, as someone, who only came across this BPD website, on 8 September 2014, eighteen days ago, that I am most amazed and extremely relieved that I have now been able to find something genuine, deep and meaningful, to help me in finding out more about BPD.

I haven't felt like this for almost two and a half years.

I see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel now, whereas previously I was in the pitch black darkness. Totally confused and sad.

Lots of reading and studying to do now, to understand what is going on, but this is NOT the problem.

It's only one of the reasons I call myself "Lucky One".

I'm going to be able to make an informed and carefully considered decision, for my own health, when the time arrives.

What can one say about a BPD wife who creates absolute havoc and chaos in her 38 year old marriage relationship and the great disillusionment and inexpressible emotional hurt, she causes for her partner?

For what purpose and to achieve what end?

Well that is what my wife has done and is still doing, right now.

Now that I’m only beginning to understand what BPD is, this disorder seems to go way back, for many years. Perhaps even back to the very beginning of our 38 year relationship. She always seems to have been hurting me emotionally.

How’s that for being a sucker for “ punishment”. Or perhaps I’ve just been too sensitive. Or blind. Or whatever else.

But, I’m going to write it down, all the hurtful things that have happened, so as to enable me to get a clearer picture of where I am, and what I should do at this late stage of my life, I’m 65 years old, you know.

I met my wife when she was only seventeen years old. Six days later she turned eighteen.

So whatever decision is made, to stay in or leave the marriage, is absolutely a massive one.

Whether hurting me was on purpose or not, I certainly cannot tell. Probably “Yes” – but she may not even have known what she was really doing in her insane attempts to manipulate, control and restrict every aspect of my life. This in my view was a result of her own feelings of inadequacy, as well as an uncontrolled and excessive unhealthy jealousy to own me, body, mind and soul, all for herself.

I think the jealously was the main driving force behind her sometimes weird, and difficult to understand logic, behind the completely false accusations levelled against me of physical infidelity in the marriage, which slowly progressed to a thing she calls emotional infidelity (if there is such a thing), if I even dared speak or hold a conversation with another woman for any period of time that was unacceptable in duration, to her mind.

As far as I am concerned, the main point to be made here, is that I’ve always been a one woman man. The reason – because that’s what I want to be and always will be. It feels right to me, and is in line with what I have always believed in, spiritually speaking.

So at this stage I don’t really know what her problem is. Why she thinks I’m having multiple extramarital relationships. It just doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t add up. All of a sudden I’ve become Mr Casanova, Mr Too Good Looking, and God’s gift to all woman.

Two plus two isn’t adding up to four anymore. Sometimes it’s zero, or three or even twenty six.

We just celebrated our 33 year wedding anniversary last month. I bought us a very nice take away meal. Why? Because when I take her out to restaurants to celebrate anything, she’s watching me like a hawk. Where I’m looking. Who I am looking at. And then the accusations start, that I’m looking at other woman. Meanwhile I didn’t even see any woman, where I was looking.

I got no present on our anniversary. I bought her some special chocolates and some flowers. I kept it as a surprise especially for her. On the day, she told me in no uncertain and unpleasant terms what I could do with the anniversary presents I got her. "Shove it". Only two or three days later did she offer me one of the chocolates, after I asked her if we were going to have one of her chocolates.

So guess what. Next anniversary – no presents for anyone. Very sad state of circumstances, I think.

It’s not the first time that a similar thing has happened. It happened last Christmas as well. She accused me of buying the exact same present I bought only for her, for this “fictitious, non existent  mistress I have. I don’t even know what this person’s name is, or what she looks like, or even how old she is, let alone where she comes from.

Then I got accused for using the motor vehicle GPS, for finding this non existent woman’s home, which apparently is only 0,9 miles away from my home. I mean that is absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn’t need a GPS for that distance – any “normal” person should be able to work that one out!

Now she wants me to request vehicle tracker records for the last few years, so that she can prove to me that I’m lying to her, about where I’ve been in the motor vehicle. This is crazy. It’s about 1 800 pages of tracker records per year. Also the tracker is not that accurate, because it measures only to the nearest tracker station on the ground. It’s not a satellite tracker system that measures the exact location. When I told her this, she responded that I was already lying, to cover my back.

I know where I’ve been. On my own two feet and also in my motor vehicle. All legitimate, in good faith places and locations. Nothing ugly happened at any time, ever. So why do I have to justify this to anyone.

I’ve now been accused of contracting an STD. Sexually Transmitted Disease. I told her that the only place I could get such a degrading thing from, was her. I was once again told – You’re lying.

Well the STD turned out to be a simple skin rash, (no-one can get a skin rash, you know!) quickly sorted out with an over the counter pharmacy lotion medication. Not even an antibiotic or cortisone cream or medical doctor was needed.

Did she apologise for the false accusation. Any of them. No.

I now get no more hugs and kisses. There’s no more intimacy in the marriage relationship. I feel I’m living with someone I don’t know anymore.

Stress levels are extremely high and I feel like I have flu like symptoms most of the time, probably stress related – but I refuse to get sucked into any of her angry rages directed at me.

I can’t talk or have a meaningful conversation with her anymore, because it only upsets her if I try to tell her she need not worry, because she’s got the best husband in the world and I still love her lots.

But that’s useless – and doesn’t work! REALLY.

So I’ll continue writing later, some more – but I’ll give it a break for now, because I’ve got tears in my eyes. And I’m the one, now emotionally upset.

The story, that big boys don’t cry, it’s not true! Take my word on it.

My wife has been diagnosed with Graves Disease and Hyperthyroidism - 2 1/2 years ago. I'm not sure what mental disorders this brings on.

Never one day goes by without me being accused of doing something wrong.

According to my spouse I have been unfaithful in our 38 years relationship (32 years married), with numerous woman which I've NEVER done. Not once - I'm basically a one woman guy.

I'm 65 years old, she 55 years old. We are actually quite a nice couple, but these non stop accusations and cold shoulder manipulations and treatment over the last two and a half years, (perhaps before, just didn't notice it) are driving me emotionally crazy.

It's also very hurtful, deep inside.

She has a very high (false) level of distrust of me and others. But especially me.

She's been and is still being treated medically, but this also does not seem to help her much. Her heart rate spiked to 137 beats per minute yesterday for no reason. This apparently is what hyperthyroidism / Graves disease does. Then she goes mad and attacks and demeans me verbally! It's horrible.

Nothing I do makes her happy. She's even threatened to destroy me, by telling people how bad I am. Help is what we need.

Me, to understand what’s really going on. She’s the one who is sick – she needs to start looking after herself and sort her own mental issues out. But she thinks she's fine - and I am the problem.

I’m going to stop helping her and explaining everything to make her feel better. Meanwhile I’m feeling downright lousy.

But things shouldn't work out this way – NORMALLY.

So I’m going to start looking after myself, mentally and physically, for a change, before I die mentally and physically.

Just maybe, I’ll start feeling better. Which will be great.

I'm 65 now - I've still got plenty years to enjoy.

There you have it. You are NOT alone. There are plenty stories just like yours and mine.

This website offers fantastic assistance. Hang in there- one of the more senior members will send you some advice soon, I'm quite sure.

In the meantime my sincere best wishes for the future. Take things slow and carefully.  

Logged
LilHurt420
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138


« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2014, 02:59:58 PM »

I know exactly how you feel.  My uBPDh often acts the same way.  I wish I had advice for you but just wanted to respond to let you know you're not alone in this feeling.

Whenever my husband has a dysregulation and cannot provoke a fight from me (because there will be absolutely nothing to fight about) he'll stay up all night long and take my phone to search through everything.  It's gotten to the point where he will now use apps from his own phone to send me fake text messages pretending to be someone from the past to try to catch me up.  Then if I blame him and say he sent them he will rage that I'm blaming him and not the "person from the past" it is, and if I don't acknowledge the texts he'll rage for me not telling him "someone from the past" has text me.  He creates lose lose situations for me.

Lately when things calm down, he's been admitting he has a problem but after he "apologizes" he doesn't want to talk about it again because then it means I can't let go of it. 

I'm exhausted to say the least.  My life has become just surviving day to day and figuring out ways to navigate around him.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2014, 05:52:04 PM »

There are couple of aspects here:

The futility of trying reason with someone who just "wants to have it out". When I say wants to have it out I mean the demons in her head, she wants them out. The way this is done is by dumping them on someone else (projection). That someone else being you, as you will stay to hold out you hands and accept them. The words, the issues, the reasons are irrelevent. No point trying to defend these accusations, that is seen as blocking her safety vent, that in turn is seen as being mean to her (in her eyes), so she will try a different avenue, and so on>escalation.

You cant get out of it as long as you are trying to negotiate with her, the projection avenue remains open.

The saying we have here is to stop the JADEing (Justify, Defend, Argue, Explain) your actions. You have your right to your own reality, by going into JADE you will slowly get pushed away from a position you are sure of yourself to where you end up making weaker and weaker excuses that make YOU feel bad and insecure, until you ultimately validate her claim that you are just making up excuses as that is what you end up doing.

You cant fix your wife but you can "stop the bleeding" and find your own self and bettter clarity about the dynamiics at play.

Please participate in the discussions here you will find all the pieces falling int play. No one can predict the end result but you will learn to make your life your choice.

All the best

Waverider
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!