Now I'm beginning to act like her

[Theo41]

I need some help. I'm feeling somewhat alone, scared, angry and frustrated. After several months of improved behavior due to:less travel, entertaining and stress, it's back to the same behaviors I can't stand:

1. Catastrophising over bumps in the road Literally and figuratively,

2. Expressing anger over perceived/ imagined slights or feeling she's been disrespected.

Example: I threw a stack of papers down the garbage chute instead of taking them to recycling- by mistake. Response: I've been stacking those papers for a week. Throwing them in the garbage is a SLAP IN MY FACE." Whoa?  Another: I stupidly told her it was ok to download ios8 (Apple's latest system upgrade.) She ended up being blocked out because the last step required her password and she couldn't remember it. Melt down- hysterical- " can't access my e mail. "

What has been has been  a constant: negative thinking, desire to find fault and punish.

What's new is my reaction to all of this- I have become super sensitive to these behaviors and when they appear, particularly after a period when things have gone well,  I explode. She now points out correctly that I've begun to be rageful and hurtful.

It's true and I'm not sure why. Part of it is certainly that I get upset when things have been going well and then the regression to bad behavior begins. It's like: I thought we were beyond that! That's unrealistic but that's what's going on inside of me. Also I've read that after we've been around this behavior for a long time the nons can begin exhibiting the same or similar traits.

I'm thinking about going into counseling even though she will go ballistic ("I don't want you talking about me and our marriage. I'm a very private person."

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Theo

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[takingandsending]

Hey theo. 

I am experiencing similar anger. I think you have to let yourself have your feelings from time to time, even when the expressions aren't great. We are all human, we get upset and need validation, too. Fact is, we are most of us in a very challenging RS that takes a lot of equanimity, skill and support to make things functional.

ziniztar posted a good link to think about when it comes to your feelings: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=231483.msg12479673#msg12479673

Consider exploring it. You may find that certain emotions you have difficulty expressing that may be causing the build up of pressure and possibly release through another emotion. At any rate, please do reconsider getting support for yourself. Your wife's comments are a common plea by pwBPD and other mental illnesses that is based in shame and fear, and is ultimately very isolating. This isn't about what makes her feel better or worse. This is about taking care of yourself so that you can be available in a more loving way in your marriage. SET may help allay her fears or concerns.

Good luck and let us know if you have success in finding a T for yourself.

[Theo41]

Thanks Takingandse. I read the Zinzstar post as u suggested. I rarely show the emotion of anger and am emotionally low key in general so when I act out if feels strange, inappropriate, bad. Thanks for your suggestion not to overreact with self criticism. I agree, we walk a very difficult road and anger is a normal human emotion. Theo

[vortex of confusion]

Wanted to stop in and tell you how much I can relate to your post. Actually, it was me beginning to act like him that led me to finding this site. When I first started reading here, I wasn't sure if I was the one with BPD or if it was him or a little of both.

I got to a point where I was ready to scream. I completely dysregulated for a while and had the attitude, "If I can't beat him, might as well join him." I was completely exhausted and felt like it was my turn. It was very juvenile on my part. I had spent so many years taking care of him and listening to all of his excuses for being grumpy. He has never blamed me but he has always blamed somebody or some thing for all of his "grumpiness". He is selfish and impulsive and exhibits a lot of other BPD traits. I was starting to feel like I was becoming the same way. It was scary to feel so out of control of myself.

In reading, I think that part of my reactions were more normal than they had ever been. As I have tried to come out of isolation and do more stuff away from him, the more I am seeing how much I normalized that behavior. So, in my own twisted head, if his behavior was normalized, then I was the abnormal one and that meant that to be more normal I should be able to act like him too. Or something like that. LOL.

It might help you to read stuff about PTSD. I really think that I am dealing with trauma from living with him and his grumpiness and his sex addiction for so many years. I never ever considered him an abusive person because everything he does is so subtle and so passive aggressive. I didn't have a light bulb moment about the abusive stuff until I found about about verbal and emotional abuse. I about cried when I read it because it described so many of the things that I had been living through. But, it was so hard to pinpoint because there weren't these huge things like name calling and the angry outbursts weren't directed specifically at me.

[Duped11years]

Wow, I was wondering the same exact thing Vortex... .Do I also have BPD or something else? For 11 years I put up with progressively more frequent episodes of her out-of-control behavior, & now I, in reaction to her, get out-of-control as well. When she is in the mood where whatever i say, I mean WHATEVER, she finds some negative twist & then kicks into her rapid-fire diatribe. I react with my need to explain & discuss mode & she just continues to throw fuel until its out-of-control. She can turn any small disagreement/misunderstanding into WW3. Ive lived through these episodes of her twisted reality thousands of times so when she starts up, & my attempts to explain/calm/discuss the situation fail, my voice escalates until Im screaming at her, breathing heavy, shaking, sweating... .its horrible. I guess im thinking the louder I plead my case the more likely it is she'll finally hear me and years of never having success now result in some physical reactions as well. Of course, i am then the cause of whatever happened.

I cant process when she accuses me of saying/doing etc things that I didnt say or do, & her resulting inability to discuss. Years of this has taken its toll. That person I become is not me, & I have never experienced that behavior & the things it does to me physically in any other interpersonal or stressful situation. I believe her crazy has now made me crazy... .       

[vortex of confusion]

Wow, I was wondering the same exact thing Vortex... .Do I also have BPD or something else? For 11 years I put up with progressively more frequent episodes of her out-of-control behavior, & now I, in reaction to her, get out-of-control as well. When she is in the mood where whatever i say, I mean WHATEVER, she finds some negative twist & then kicks into her rapid-fire diatribe. I react with my need to explain & discuss mode & she just continues to throw fuel until its out-of-control. She can turn any small disagreement/misunderstanding into WW3. Ive lived through these episodes of her twisted reality thousands of times so when she starts up, & my attempts to explain/calm/discuss the situation fail, my voice escalates until Im screaming at her, breathing heavy, shaking, sweating... .its horrible. I guess im thinking the louder I plead my case the more likely it is she'll finally hear me and years of never having success now result in some physical reactions as well. Of course, i am then the cause of whatever happened.

I cant process when she accuses me of saying/doing etc things that I didnt say or do, & her resulting inability to discuss. Years of this has taken its toll. That person I become is not me, & I have never experienced that behavior & the things it does to me physically in any other interpersonal or stressful situation. I believe her crazy has now made me crazy... .     

Read the stuff in the lessons on the right side of the page. Especially focus on JADEing, which is justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. Trying to stop that has been difficult because the natural thing to do in a normal situation is to explain yourself. A normal person would hear the explanation and be like, "Okay cool" or they might ask questions to understand you better. With a normal person, they wouldn't even talk about some of the things my partner talks about and they certainly wouldn't turn it into an argument. My husband still tries to pick fights but I am slowly getting better at not taking the bait. The less I take the bait, the better things are. But, I still feel unheard. But at least I am feeling more in control of MYSELF.

[takingandsending]

Duped, theo

Vortex is correct

Especially focus on JADEing, which is justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. Trying to stop that has been difficult because the natural thing to do in a normal situation is to explain yourself ... .The less I take the bait, the better things are. 

This is a key to stop making it worse. It is counter intuitive to think that trying to be rational and explain to defuse a misunderstanding makes things worse, but it does. BPD is an illness. Looking for normality is, unfortunately, not really possible or fair to you or your SO. This is the reality that is gradually seeping in for me ... .that nothing has been and may never be normal in my marriage. But, that doesn't mean that things can't be better.

Understand your role in the RS. That's where you can effect the most change. That's your starting place.

Imagine your pwBPD's disordered thinking as a lens that colors every image red. She asks you to hand her a green mug. You hand it to her. She grows angry and accuses you of not listening to her (because she sees a red mug - but note that she has reduced/little capacity to explain that that is what she sees). You explain that you have done exactly as she asks, which invalidates her experience that you have NOT done what she asks, that you never do as she asks, that you do not care about her, you do not value her. At this point the negative thought feedback loop is off and running. What could you possibly tell her that would justify/argue/defend/explain what she is experiencing? Any attempts will only further reinforce the invalidation that she experiences.

It is a malfunction of your SO's brain. Through environment, potentially through genetic predisposition, her brain has learned to process thoughts in a very convoluted way that will never be normal. If a pwBPD seeks intensive treatment, they can be taught to recognize (mind you, not stop, but recognize) when their thought patterns are entering into the negative feedback loop and apply corrections to slow/stop the feedback process before it leads to a full dysregulation. From what I have read of pwBPD in recovery, the filter never goes away completely but they learn to be aware of it and be more functional around it.

Truly, it is a terrible disease, and I am right with so many here grieving over an RS that was probably never what I thought it was from the outset, and for a person that I love that I can only watch dissolve into irrationality, rage and confusion. All I can do is not make it worse. And pray/hope that she reaches the place of more rapid recognition and adjustment, where perhaps more happiness can seep back into a pretty broken life and maybe even a pretty broken marriage.  :'(