confused

[dermo]

ok where to start? i am divorced and its been a hard and messy 4 years. my ex is controlling and i believe was abused as a child. I have been to court over the children and now finances and am exhausted.

I have been on my own for the four years until recently. I met someone and for four months have had a very intense relationship. She is beautiful but i am now getting alarm bells.

our relationship has been very intense and like a fire really. What i have noticed recently is that she will create conflict over very minor things and have huge mood swings. For example if i have my kids on one day she will feel rejected... .oh i'll cook that meal on my own etc. Her reaction seems totally out of proportion. she is full of contradictions. she is planning that we go away in a few months and then she will say "its best to leave before you get sucked in" etc.

she had a very stormy relationship with her ex and her sons dad that ended ten years ago. since then she has avoided relationships.

she was sexually abused by her brother and i believe physically abused by her mother. She is from India. Her brother died an alcoholic.

our sex life is very intense and has been from the start. i have found it over whelming at times. i also think that she is seeing someone else. i have no real proof just a gut feeling.

the problem is that i am in love with her. i would also miss her son if we split... .i feel like i am going insane. Having read about BPD i would think she is high functioning and i am co-dependent-a pleaser.

she said that she saw a counsellor about the abuse but i wonder if what i offer... .stability, love almost in a mundane and settled way is what she craves but that she will sabotage it. i feel like i am going insane. She is beautiful and i am in love too which does not help.

I suppose my question is -if she is BPD high functioning can it work? And would she automatically have a BPD as a result of the abuse or am i reading too much into her history?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

I suppose my question is -if she is BPD high functioning can it work? And would she automatically have a BPD as a result of the abuse or am i reading too much into her history?

I'm sorry for all the frustration and trauma you have been going through, dermo, and it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. If someone is BPD and high functioning, that doesn't mean that they are unable to be in a relationship and have it work. As far as someone automatically having BPD as the result of abuse, that doesn't always happen; lots of people have abuse in their past but do not suffer from BPD as the result.

To be honest, we would never be able to diagnose your partner, but if she exhibits the symptoms and behaviors of BPD, the Lessons and links to the right-hand side of this page would help you understand how her mind is working, and to learn how to communicate with her in a way that would help to make things better. I would really like to encourage you to check them all out... .

I'm really sorry for all the abuse and sadness your partner has suffered in her past; it's got to be difficult for her to process all of that and then try to have a healthy love relationship afterwards. I'm glad that she has seen a Counselor for it; is she seeing a Therapist at this time? Do you know whether she has ever received a diagnosis of any kind? Would she be willing to consider Therapy again? Do you believe that she knows she has a problem and should get help for it?

I'm glad you found us, dermo... .stay around, read all you can, and tell us more about how things are going for you. We'd love to help 

[dermo]

Many Thanks for such a kind post... .well she is not seeing a therapist and although she has no formal diagnosis... .yes she fits the criteria for BPD.

I also fit the criteria for co dependency. I am finding it really difficult. I am facing a woman who seems to live in different worlds. I am convinced that she is having an affair and that it is with a married man. Also that she has phoned me when she is with him. I find it very strange though. She has been seeing him at lunch times. Prior to one meet she introduced me to her work mates as her new partner and seemed very happy... .that afternoon she met her lover. In one 24 cycle we made love twice and she also met him. Her sex drive is unstoppable and to be honest i am exhausted with the whole scenario.

It all seems so sad. Basically i offer her a normal probably quite boring relationship which she has never had. All her previous relationships were abusive and before we met she had had a ten year break from any relationship.

She is high functioning but very damaged. Her brother sexually assaulted her from the age of 8 to 12.

I think the purpose of the affair is to maintain control in the relationship. I did try to break away this week but the next day got a text... ."can we talk?"

I have asked her to go for relationship counselling and she has reluctantly agreed. I think if that fails i will have to plan an exit. Its hard. She is beautiful and i am in Love but if this continues i will go insane... .     

[Mono No Aware]

All I have to offer is the advice that you may want to sit down and with some measure of clinical detachement try and match her behaviors up to the 9 Symptoms of BPD:

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2)   Unstable or intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes towards others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others.

3)   Marked and persistent identity disturbance manifested by an unstable self-image or a sense of self.

4)   Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-destructive.

5)   Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior, or self-mutilating behaviors.

6)   Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood with severe episodic shifts to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger, or lack of control of anger, e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or symptoms of severe dissociation.