Two years ago

[coworkerfriend]

I found this board  - found that I am not alone - found that I had so much to learn but still struggle to understand.

I am still with my pwBPD - our business has grown and both he and I have grown over the past 2 years.  The lessons on this board have helped me understand my role in our relationship and has helped me tremendously to understand the illness he will struggle with for the rest of his life.

I decided to write today because 2 years ago - I had lost all hope.  I had lost myself.  I couldn't imagine living with him for the rest of my life but I didn't know where to begin to change it either. I lost perspective and I was so deeply entrenched in how he was feeling and trying to keep him "happy" it was an endless cycle.  

I stopped trying to fix and solve his problems.  I stopped JADEing - I validated when I could.  I gave him space to work on his therapy and work on himself. His self awareness has grown and he has been trying to work through things.  He isn't raging at me.  If he feels the need to rage, he leaves or I leave.  I will not take his pain.  

None of this has been easy.  I have so much work to do on myself.  There are things he says and does that trigger my panic which I am trying to work through.  We have more good days than bad but we have bad days.  

Ironically, today was a very bad day.  He felt disrespected by a client and was furious with me for not defending him or sticking up for him.  That has always been a trigger.  He asked for space to be alone.  He apologized for getting upset.  I could see in his eyes he has dysregulated.  My anxiety immediately starts and I have been trying all day to calm myself down.  I know I need perspective and I know how easily I lose it.  I felt myself falling back into wanting to fix it and make it better. Accepting that I can't has always been very hard for me.

I am feeling down and hopeless again.  I know it will pass.  I will be forever grateful for the lessons and everyone on this board who listens, supports and understands.  

I understand that this will always be part of our life - our relationship.  I have accepted that this is who he is.  I know that I need to focus more attention on me  - on healing from the past that still haunts me at times.  I think that I suffer from some form of PTSD and it is completely clear to me on days like today that I need to continue to work on the lessons.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, coworkerfriend, and welcome back to the family 

Your story sounds very familiar to me (except my Husband and I are not co-workers), but I found this site about a year and a half ago, and things have improved so much since then that when my Husband does dysregulate (and like your situation, it is always for the same issue. His is that I don't pay enough attention to him), it is always a shock to me because it doesn't happen very often any more now that I use the Lessons taught here. He used to do this kind of thing a few times per month; now it's about once per month.

It sure can be devastating when it happens, because it's very easy to get lulled into the mindset that things are better now and this behavior won't happen any more. When it does, it can really take the wind out of our sails! Do you find that, though, when he does dysregulate now, the episode lasts less time than in the "old days"?

Although my Husband's episodes aren't totally gone, I find that because I don't JADE or overreact any more, the dysregulation most times can be stopped before it escalates to a full-blown painting me black, or at least it can drastically reduce the time of the silent treatment, etc. to something quite short. Like hours, rather than days or weeks. Is the situation you had today on its way back to normalcy yet?

I know the PTSD feelings that you are talking about, and that used to cause me to go back to my old habits of trying to "fix" a dysregulation by begging him to listen to my story, to let me explain why he was wrong about his feelings about me. I would follow him around and beg him to "talk to me" and that stuff would just escalate his anger further. Learning to detach from his dysregulation/anger so that I didn't take it personally anymore, helped me to let him vent and just deescalate on his own. But I'm sure you realize this already... .the positive reinforcement of your past successes with this type of thing is already informing your thoughts about it.

I'm so glad you came back to us when you needed to; it's wonderful to read your story, and to know that the communication tools and techniques on this site can transform a relationship into something loving and fulfilling. We all have set-backs; even marriages between people who have no BPD involved have their up and downs to deal with. We're still here to listen to you, and offer a shoulder to lean on... .We understand, coworkerfriend