Hi, nightmoves.
Sometimes it can feel as though we were caught in an awfully dirty trick.
Early in marriage with my husband, I was dumbfounded at how he felt that apologizing was unnecessary. I recall discussions about that. He actually rejected apologies from me. Over time, I realized that he felt justified in his behavior no matter how wrong it was, so basically before I knew that there was any such thing as BPD, I learned to never expect an apology.
... .do they EVER then feel any remorse? Do they ever feel they were out of line regarding their actions or behaviors?
Even if they do feel remorse, it may not necessarily be expressed. I have seen my husband apologize to our kids, and at this point in my life, that matters more than an apology to me. Though he has not apologized directly to me for his hurtful behaviors toward me, he has stated regret about bad choices. That regret had more to do with how his choices have negatively impacted him and what he has accomplished in life, but the bad choices have also impacted our family as a whole, so I feel that the statement of regret, though not an apology, is a positive thing.
... .if their behavior is not abated... .or at a minimum ... .not acknowledged or a feeling of remorse is not shown... .(even IF apology not given)... .
Then HOW does a non (like ME)... .DEAL with that.
I deal with it just as you said - by looking out for myself. I am careful not to invalidate, which is the primary thing that triggers my husband’s reactions. It’s hard, because simple facts that would go right past a nonBPD and are not intended as any kind of criticism can hurt his feelings. I pay attention to his words, his tone of voice, his body language, and try to figure out what his perspective is on a situation. I try to keep those nine categories of BPD characteristics in my mind to try to make sense of it and not take it personally. If I put the behavior where it belongs, recognize the source, and let it bounce off me like I have some kind of invisible shield around me, then that keeps me from expecting an apology. Sometimes I fail, but I do see a difference in the quality of life here at home as a result of changing my own behavior and my own thinking.
I feel something new.
Anger…
Hurt….
Confused…
SO - how do others even rationalize all that means... .?
Here’s how I put this together. The bottom line is that life is different for us because BPD is a disorder. It’s easy to recognize intellectual disabilities, physical disabilities, hearing and vision impairments, speech and language impairments, etc. Think of how families respond to and help family members with those kinds of disabilities. BPD is an emotional impairment – a mental illness - that is incredibly complex. In the mind of a pwBPD, our feelings may always be on the back burner... .or never even on their radar. We get to choose whether we will accept that it is what it is and put these tools to work or not. I just accept the fact that simply because of the nature of BPD, expecting an apology is unrealistic, so I focus on something else.
Learning as much as I can about this, and putting the pain of the past into the perspective of a BPD framework, has helped to ease my resentment. It’s helped me to focus on what kinds of behaviors I do want to see (the kinds of behaviors for which no apology is needed) instead of focusing on the kinds of unpleasant behaviors I have seen in the past or don’t want to see in the future.
My heart goes out to you. It takes a certain kind of strong to be the spouse of a pwBPD, doesn’t it?
