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Author Topic: I'm getting the impression that co-parenting with ex may be an impossibility  (Read 844 times)
Mutt
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« on: September 26, 2014, 10:54:48 AM »

I'm starting to think that I may not be able to soften boundaries with ex - ever

Since seperation and her quick departure of no closure I have maintained boundaries of steel with ex. I went through high conflict custody in court with the kids, consumer proposal etc. I have been using SET in my emails to soften the communiques which helps. Having said that it helps because I think that she thinks that we are friends, she has a need and asks with disregard to my needs which is understandble it is a part of the disorder.

In between her sending the email bombs last week and wanting to go to scouts with her with the kids and to see my son's teacher in school together. I go seperately to see the teacher because she can judge me for me without being interupted by ex or her fog. She has come in the past when I had my one on one with my son's teacher and she is trying to guilt me.

I thought she was crossing a line when she wanted to do things together as a quasi family. She has a live-in boyfriend and I parallel parent and do things separately. We are two families. I didn't give her a reason as I don't feel like I need to justify the why's anymore. I simply said that I can't and it didn't work with my schedule anyway and my personal schedule is none of her business. Irregardless whatever reason that I would have triggers her sensitivity to rejection. Her insecurities are not for me to worry about, that's the new guys job.

I could say maybe in 10 years being at a BBQ where she is there? Not now. I don't consider her as friend. I consider her as the mother of my children.

I tried to soften my boundaries a little and opened the door but I am starting to think that people with BPD are all different. Some much more difficult than some and my ex is in that spectrum of difficulty. I'm starting to think that parallel parenting may be something that I am going to have to do for a long time coming and I'm dropping the idea that co-parenting is a possibility.

Have other members felt the same or experienced the same? Boundaries of steel, parallel parenting, soften said boundaries and it opened the door to abusive behavior and the only means is boundaries of steel? Do things change after many years pass?

Thanks.
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walksoftly
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« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2014, 11:02:21 AM »

Good morning,

I tried co-parenting but she is so incredibly toxic and dishonest. Parallel parenting- difficult.

My daughter is nine and is the casualty here.

I think my ex is going through a nervous breakdown
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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2014, 11:29:51 AM »

I have basically come to the conclusion with mine that co-parenting is simply going to be impossible. She wants to then she informs me she is having one of the kids baptised and wants to let me know so that I can attend       (I strongly disagree with the creed she is teaching my kids anyways) It never occurs to her that I may have an interest in having input like that then when the kids are with me and I sign them up for cheer leading on MY time she b___es cause I dont let her know when where etc. I dont try and keep her in the dark but its easier to deal with it that way then informing her. If I do inform her, she will then try and involve herself and thwart the plan or highjack it.

Its a constant struggle. I will not even attempt coparenting. I do almost all communication about the kids via email and text.

How has the seperate parent teacher conference thing worked for you? Or have you just started? I stood right next to mine and signed up for a slot deliberately different then hers to which she said, 'well we can do it together'. I will NOT sit in front of my kids teacher with her and put up with the crap she dishes because she so blatantly and deliberatley manipulates in cases like that and I have no real say in anything. Course the teacher will think its all honky dory because the mom is there to have input. Only the those of us that know the disorder know the real facts on that.

Reason I m asking is this will be the first time we do it seperately. The last few three - four years she had been too busy cheating, lying and securing new supply to pay attention to the kids or their education now all of a sudden I have to deal with her coming back into the picture. Lord how I wish she would just go away and allow me to be a parent.

For the most part I will vehemetly refuse any thing that involves me having anything to do with her at all. She has even thrown birthday parties for the kids and let me know so I can attend. I know I should for the kids but theres several reasons I dont. First of all it will be no fun for anyone including the kids, it will be awkward and while I do want to be there for that, I again refuse to because I do not deserve to be treated that shabbily like a second rate citizen while she and her family ham it up like everything is ok

Thats my thoughts and experience. Some have suggested that I am being a bully so to speak with my attitude about this but you know what, I have a right to stand up for myself and its self dignity preservation. While my momentary absence is not good for the kids, taking care of me and my self worth is more important in the long run (with the kids).  It also gives me the peace of mind to then be a better happier parent when I do have my kids and we always do our own thing, including a birthday party if they want or whatever other family type thing in order to celebrate. I dont know if this is an even off set but then again what is with BPD?

We are 50/50 parenting and kids in school from my address
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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2014, 11:55:03 AM »

How has the seperate parent teacher conference thing worked for you? Or have you just started? I stood right next to mine and signed up for a slot deliberately different then hers to which she said, 'well we can do it together'. I will NOT sit in front of my kids teacher with her and put up with the crap she dishes because she so blatantly and deliberatley manipulates in cases like that and I have no real say in anything. Course the teacher will think its all honky dory because the mom is there to have input. Only the those of us that know the disorder know the real facts on that.

It works well. She doesn't like it but that's not my concern. Last year I had a parent teacher conference for S6. I thought he may be slightly autistic. I had a conference with the teacher for an hour, 30 minutes over what it should have been.

I was patient and listened to everything the teacher said. I think she had a thing for me too, she had asked me several times to come to field trips. That's besides the point but I think that's why our appointment was as long as it was.

At the end of it, I said I notice certain patterns with S6 (S5 at the time) that are concerning and I would like to get him checked. It may be something, it may be nothing. If it is something then I would like to get help now and not later because things could potentially be worst and I would feel guilt for not trying to get help when I could have. The school will do a report and co-ordinate with the MD, that's why the school gets involved in my area.

She said "Mutt that's very wise!" and then said "Are you going to talk to your wife about this?" I don't have to go into details as to what our current situation is I simply said "I'm sorry but I'm getting divorced. Communication can be difficult in marriage and in separation and my wife and I do things separately" and left it at that. She said she will talk to my wife.

I get an email bomb from ex that evening "How dare you slag me to the teachers!" I didn't justify, defend or explain anything it was an email bomb but I think that I had triggered shame and guilt in her and she was trying to project that on me. Maybe she felt she was a bad mom and needed to feel good and project said feelings on me. Above all it has nothing to do with the kids needs. Her conflict is secondary. How she feels is a mute point.

She's tried to get me to go to Dr's appointments as well and I go separately. "Mutt you're going to be in the chair beside me!" No, I am not.

I am 50/50. Parallel Parenting. Parallel Parenting is tough but in my perspective what is difficult is the isolation as a single dad that I feel. Co-parenting, IMO for now in my situation would be chaos.

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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2014, 03:35:51 PM »

"I think she had a thing for me too, she had asked me several times to come to field trips. That's besides the point but I think that's why our appointment was as long as it was."

Well, I'm sorry your ex is making things so difficult, but that line above made me smile.  See how popular you are, Mutt!   
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« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2014, 03:39:06 PM »

Mutt!

My ex moved away with my daughter and she wont even inform where my daughter is attending school! When I asked  she stated " so you can disparage me to the teachers!"

My ex is all about herself -  shes an idiot
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« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2014, 04:22:53 PM »

"I think she had a thing for me too, she had asked me several times to come to field trips. That's besides the point but I think that's why our appointment was as long as it was."

Well, I'm sorry your ex is making things so difficult, but that line above made me smile.  See how popular you are, Mutt!  

Thanks momtara  Smiling (click to insert in post) I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel good  Being cool (click to insert in post) She's a nice woman, intelligent and a good teacher. She has fire in the belly. The timing was bad it was a few months after the break-up.

Mutt!

My ex moved away with my daughter and she wont even inform where my daughter is attending school! When I asked  she stated " so you can disparage me to the teachers!"

My ex is all about herself -  shes an idiot

I'm sorry walksoftly. My heart goes out to you. It's narcissism. My ex is the same. I don't know what her motivations are because she doesn't say or clue anyone in. You understand after said fact. It's not about the kids or my needs. It's about her needs above everyone's.  

Moving away and not telling you where your D is and projecting is a low blow
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« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2014, 07:32:50 PM »

I don't know if it's always true, that you can't co-parent with someone who has BPD, but from my own experience, and many others here, I don't think trying to co-parent is a good plan.

Parallel parenting works reasonably well.  It's frustrating, because it doesn't work the way we all wish it would - the kids don't have the benefit of two parents working closely together.  But that's the reality - co-parenting just creates more problems - and the sooner we accept that reality, the sooner we can get skilled at parallel parenting, and settle into a stable situation that will be OK for everybody.
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« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2014, 09:05:41 PM »

I don't know if it's always true, that you can't co-parent with someone who has BPD, but from my own experience, and many others here, I don't think trying to co-parent is a good plan.

Parallel parenting works reasonably well.  It's frustrating, because it doesn't work the way we all wish it would - the kids don't have the benefit of two parents working closely together.  But that's the reality - co-parenting just creates more problems - and the sooner we accept that reality, the sooner we can get skilled at parallel parenting, and settle into a stable situation that will be OK for everybody.

Parallel parenting is wishful thinking when I am at the mercy of a uNPDexh and a parental coordinator that thinks she needs to foster a ideal co-parenting environment. Any time I try to maintain my boundaries, I am met with the complaint that I am unreasonably withholding his access to the children. Example, I dropped off the children's belongings after school in person to the children twice- 5 minutes max! He threatens to have the police called for trespassing, yet he wants to drop off their things on his way home from work, and sits in my driveway demanding to see the children. I say, "OK, I will drop off their things before they get home and leave them on your front porch (large, fully covered) and i won't see them", and he can drop off their stuff in the morning on his way to work, so he won't see them. 1,000 excuses why that can't possibly work later, his solution is to meet me at their bus stop so I can give him their things, and he can see the children. NO! I don't want to deal with him! This is also the man that is at every sporting event, school activity, etc so I see him at least 5-6 days a week. So, starts the emails to the parental coordinator requesting a meeting, and "until this is resolved I will be at the bus stop".

She thinks any access to the children is in their best interest. She recently told me that I should not argue that his intrusions affect my parenting time, but rather how it adversely affects the children. And if I can't prove it (which is really hard to prove unless someone understands the damage of the NPD) then it's great that he wants to see them so much. It's all good for them! And, of course, uNPDexh picks up on her attitude and throws the "reasonable access" argument in my face as he sees them almost everyday, calls them twice a day, texts them, etc.

I can't get a break from him. It's always something. And the parental coordinator encourages him. I am so down. I just want peace and not to have to deal with his lies and manipulation.
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« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2014, 10:06:14 PM »

It's not a big thing with what happened. I have noticed a difference with her. She's trying to be friendlier, she comes to my door uninvited and she's not scared of me like she was last year. She didn't want me in her sight because I was a reminder of what she had done. A year later I don't want her to get the wrong ideas.

She's Queen and acts out when I assert boundaries. My marriage went South ( didn't know about BPD then) when I put my foot down and set a boundary.

I know her and from what i can tell she hasn't changed. I see the behaviors being out of the fog.

What is fact she's controlling, flails against boundaries, dissociates and acts out if I don't comply. We're seperated. I don't have to put up with it.

I can be indifferent to her behaviors but I don't have it in me to go along with her dissociations in public. What I mean is I can't be friends. Not now.

It was scorched earth when she left. She bankrupted me and cheated.

I rejected her in her mind by not wanting to be with her and the kids at scouts and at the school.

Since she left she had asked me to go to family and friends gatherings for holidays etc. I think she wants me at arms lengths. She crossed a line and I can't be around her with parents and such that she split me black and called me emotionally abuse, physically abusive etc etc.

If I don't agree. I get email bombs. It's lose lose for me. I don't want to have this rejection sensitivity drama when I say no. I like things calm, quiet. I swear I swear I would have gotten a heart attack if we had stayed together and I didn't find bpdfamily. She's that stressful.

I can be nice around her and I am. I can communicate in SET or BIFF as to not trigger and to keep records for court. I don't want conflict but this is about the kids and I can't let down my boundaries and give her the wrong idea. We're not friends and that she can fallback on me when things go bad with the new guy. That is going to be chaos for later. I'll cross that bridge when I have to. Boundaries of steel are absolutely necessary for now.
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« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2014, 10:10:48 PM »

If I don't agree. I get email bombs. It's lose lose for me.

What kind of "e-mail bombs"?

If they are serious - repeated, rants, obnoxious, or even threats - I would suggest you show them to a judge and get a restraining order.

If they're not quite that bad, you might respond with something like, ":)o not send me e-mails like this.  If you send more e-mails like this I will show them to a judge and get a restraining order."  Boundaries.

Or... .if they are very mild, and you don't think a judge would care, learn to absolutely ignore them - no response of any kind.  Give her no feedback and she will probably quit doing it.
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« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2014, 10:30:27 PM »

I called the cops last year. Lodged a harassment complaint. They talked to her and she was quiet for awhile. Perhaps email bomb is the incorrect terminology. She gets triggered for whatever goes on in her life.

She tries to pick a fight. An example would be my son had taken out library books at school. He had them at my house on my time. I packed up the books and he had returned them at school. She said that he hadn't the school wants them back. I'm irresponsible and I'm not meeting her halfway with parenting. I'm difficult.

This went on for a week, she sends the emails about the same bloody things. I simply responded to one email. I said the books were returned. I'll check with the school. A few days later she said the books had been returned and no apology for swearing, criticizing, devaluing and so on. I didn't expect an apology.

I don't respond back. I don't defend or justify. It's things like that. Clothes returned that kids wore from her house to mine She's like clockwork. I can expect an email or two the night kids go back home and goes on about things that I didn't return when i had. Dissociations.

If this were when we were married I would have argued back and try to explain that she's wrong and it would have been a circular argument. I have her boxed in with boundaries. She tries to fight with the most trivial petty things it's sad.
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« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2014, 11:28:47 PM »

For a while, I used another method that worked very well:  copying a third party.

First we had a Custody Evaluator.  While he was doing his job - a couple of months - any time my wife wrote me an inappropriate e-mail, I copied it to the CE, with cc: to my wife so she would know I was doing that.  She quit writing nasty e-mails.

Then the CE was out of the picture, and she started in again.  We had a "parenting coach" - another psychologist - and I started copying him on her crazy e-mails, always cc:ing my ex.  Again, when I did that, she quit sending them.

Not sure who I would copy if she started in again now.  She knows that I don't consider her e-mails to be to be private, and if they are inappropriate I feel free to copy them to whoever she wouldn't want to see them, even the court if necessary.  No more crazy e-mails for several years now.
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« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2014, 11:40:46 PM »

Matt that's brilliant  Being cool (click to insert in post) I'm happy the resources are here. Thank you.
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« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2014, 12:42:40 AM »

Mutt,

You sound like you get it and are doing all the right things after real consideration.

Do you think that the reality is that no matter how well we may behave it is constantly not enough when dealing with exBPD's? And every issue they trigger, whether big or small is again a reminder-  disappointing, tiring and enough to create stress in our otherwise calm lives?

For me this is the trickiest part to deal with. It is unlikely to get better for long if at all and we spend a lot of time in our heads trying to figure out how to keep things stable but if dealing with people who are irrational or unreasonable we know that it is likely to be an impossible task.

I am starting a course on non-violent communication soon, have read numerous books all in an effort to understand, look after myself and be the best parent I can, but probably to no avail when dealing with my exBPD/NP.

Sounds to me that you are managing incredibly well in very difficult circumstances. I think that whilst you clearly consider other peoples needs you also need to keep checking in with  the part of you that needs some compassion and love for what you are going through and give it as freely.




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« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2014, 01:32:33 AM »

Do you think that the reality is that no matter how well we may behave it is constantly not enough when dealing with exBPD's?

I'm 18 months post break-up and detached. I find myself feeling stronger, happier. A happiness that feels strange because I haven't felt it for some time.

My head is clear. I can see all of the moving parts. There's one dysfunctional part and it's my ex. She can't see the collateral damage that she's doing to myself, my kids and her child. My step daughter.

It hurts to see it. She has absolutely no clue because she's stuck in this repeated pattern that's self destructive. I can't and don't want to rescue. Her daughter is going to move out legally at 16. My kids will eventually be with me full time.

She is going to lose a lot and she doesn't see it.

I've tried and you're right. Any benevolent action is eventually met with control, disdain and aggression. I also agree that keeping the peace with her causes unnecessary anxiety, stress, and disappointment. I can try to continuously look at all possible angles and for what?

I know the ingredients to the recipe: Boundaries, low-contact, parallel parenting.

I have to let go of this ideal with her that the potential is there to co-parent because she can't meet me in the middle. My ex is too ill. Who knows she may get help someday but it may be wishful thinking. This may very well be as good as it's going to get.

Sounds to me that you are managing incredibly well in very difficult circumstances. I think that whilst you clearly consider other peoples needs you also need to keep checking in with  the part of you that needs some compassion and love for what you are going through and give it as freely.

I think this is the most valuable lesson.

I have to give myself the same compassion that I give to others and I've neglected a very important part - myself.

Thank you for sharing Lmls.
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« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2014, 06:13:26 AM »

Five years ago I went to parent teacher meetings with ex. Ex would always try to one up me over something and the meetings were a waste of time. I changed to separate meetings. The principal and others at the school suggested I go back to one meeting. I said no. Eventually the school "got it". Now I have meetings with the school which are initiated by the school. We decide what we are going to do and then the school contacts ex and tells her "what they believe to be best for our son". Ex agrees and things are quickly resolved. As long as ex doesn't think I had any input things go fine. I don't think that is parallel parenting but it works for our S11. I stopped trying to co parent at least four years ago.

When I "try to co parent" I find that working on ex's feelings is the only way to accomplish something. An example, a few years back the school had a hiking trip on ex's weekend. I knew ex would never take the boys to something like that. I sent an email pointing out how delicate she is and that I would take the boys hiking if she would allow me to. She replied back in less than five minutes saying I could pick them up. I hit all the right buttons for her and she was very quick to agree. My email put her needs above all else and that was the trick. I had several friends read it before I sent it and they all said the email was extremely condescending and there was no way she would agree. Ex did not read the email the same way and I knew that. It made her the victim and she took the bait hook, line, and sinker. I need to be in the proper frame of mind and the circumstances have to dictate whether I can do that or not.
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« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2014, 07:54:01 AM »

For me co-parenting is not an option. Co-parenting for me means I not only have to parent my sons (9&14) but I would also have to parent my uBPDxw... .And I REFUSE to do that ever again!

My situation: I have primary physical custody. She gets the boys every other weekend.

For the last 15 months I have been raising the boys by myself. She doesn't show any interest in their education, sports activities, church, she doesn't even take them to see her family (I do it). On one hand it's exhausting as I'm overwhelmed being a full time single Dad. But on the other hand I have the luxury of raising the kids as I see fit. I leave it up to her how much she wants to be involved on their lives. Her choice is to be absent. She sees them every other weekend, gets her emotional fix from them then blows them off for 12 days straight... .Her loss!

As far as schools goes. I go to all the parent/teacher conferences by myself. She gets the same information I get and if she wants to meet with the teachers she can set up a meeting for herself. She chooses not to. In reality it's more important for her to go to these conferences as she's on the outside looking in. She chooses not to. It would also be very EASY for her to be involved with the kids education as she has the same access to the teachers via e-mail and the school app that gives instant access to the kids grades and assignments. So I don't baby her. If she wants to be a responsible Mom and get involved it's up to her. She doesn't. When I mention how easy it is for her to get involved she goes right into the victim mode/poor her   whaaaaatever 

At times I get down on myself as it is EXHAUSTING doing everything and raising your kids by yourself while trying to work full time. Then I read stories like yours, the ones who have 50/50 custody or less. You are forced to have more contact with the BPD craziness and your kids are more exposed. I'm not sure which is a more difficult path, I guess they are equally challenging!

Hang in there guys/gals... .Our kids futures are at stake!

MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)

PS my situation has given me such a new found respect for all single parents out there Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2014, 01:10:48 PM »

Excerpt
I am sorry for the way i left

And that things were hard

It's coming close to 2 years. It's time to make things easiest on kids and school.  Send kids things back and forth without having to to hound.

Alllow school to pasd info tune most effevient way and pass to other parent.

Stop with these bs in front of kids.

Allow kids to attend groups without a hassle.

I see now you were only being " agreeable" while trying to get me to not register with mep.

In the short term it might frustrate me, and make me feel for these kids but we both knowthe people you hurt the most and in the long run are D8, S6 and S3.

I got this email last night. 18 months and first email with a semi apology.  I took the kids names out.
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« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2014, 01:19:19 PM »

Excerpt
I am sorry for the way i left

And that things were hard

It's coming close to 2 years. It's time to make things easiest on kids and school.  Send kids things back and forth without having to to hound.

Alllow school to pasd info tune most effevient way and pass to other parent.

Stop with these bs in front of kids.

Allow kids to attend groups without a hassle.

I see now you were only being " agreeable" while trying to get me to not register with mep.

In the short term it might frustrate me, and make me feel for these kids but we both knowthe people you hurt the most and in the long run are D8, S6 and S3.

I got this email last night. 18 months and first email with a semi apology.  I took the kids names out.

So... .set aside the apology, and when she sent it, and whether she means it.

Look at the other issues:

  Send things back and forth

  School information

  "BS" in front of kids

  Attending groups

Are there ways to address these issues, to make them better for the kids?

Or is your ex just making things up?
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« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2014, 01:34:51 PM »

Sending things back and forth. Sometimes I forget to send S3's 1 pair of underwear back the night of. I sent back their clothes and she says I have not - made up. This has gone on for several weeks. I have clothes I buy or my family gives at my house.

I'm indifferent to her dissociations. It's been in emails. Her changing reality at whim - pulling the rug because of the way she feels. I can't control that. It can be anything but lately it's been the one set of clothes kids wear she's fixated on.

I told the school last year. Send a copy of kids stuff to my house and they did (postal) Beginning  of this school year 2 weeks ago. I didn't ask the school - I forgot. Monday I have off and I'll go to the school and talk to them. She gave me a stack of papers last night and said I have to go through her. This is the email I got before the one above. (papers on my time were in kids school bags and sent back home with them btw)

Excerpt
I handed you all your copies of papers from school.


Please send my copies of papers they get this coming week ( and from the last week they were at your house) back with kids on Friday.


The school has been instructed to send 2 copies with kids.  One for each parent.

You NEED  to give me my copies.


It's not the school job to make special exceptions for you. Just because you like to make thing difficult for everyone. Including kids.

Scouts and guides. She wanted me to go with her at a function. I said no. She has a habit of registering the kids in programs and then saying you owe such and such. She doesn't ask me first she simply does it. I said it has to be mutually agreed on.

BS in front of kids. She's Queen when I pick them up "Mutt don't forget to send kids things back!" I nod and walk away with kids.

Nothing that's above that can't be done with parallel parenting. I think she doesn't like parallel parenting.



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« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2014, 01:48:27 PM »

Mutt!

My ex moved away with my daughter and she wont even inform where my daughter is attending school! When I asked  she stated " so you can disparage me to the teachers!"

Yep, my BPDx does the same thing. And the truth of the matter is that she does a far better job disparaging herself than I ever could.
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« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2014, 01:52:00 PM »

Nothing that's above that can't be done with parallel parenting. I think she doesn't like parallel parenting.

Nope, she doesn't. Neither does mine. And the reason is that she doesn't get to ENGAGE you if there's a true parallel parenting plan in place.

What's helped me is to ask myself one simple question when she does stuff with the kids that pushes my buttons: are the kids going to be OK? If so, then I let it go. If not, then I have to do something about it. This helps me to discern between drama and real issues.
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« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2014, 02:24:01 PM »

The way I view school papers - not the kids' homework or the work they do in class, but report cards and other things the school sends to the parents - it's the school's obligation to send the information to the parents, by e-mail or snail mail or whatever.  Anything I don't get, I take it up with the school.

They may say, "We sent it to Mrs. Matt.  We assumed she would give you a copy."  I don't accept that - the school is obligated to send the information to me.  If they want to send a copy to my ex too, great - I don't care - that's between her and the school.

If she complains to me, "I didn't get a copy of their report cards!", I tell her, "I'll make a copy for you this time - no problem - but you need to talk to the school and tell them to send copies to you in the future."  It's an easy courtesy to make a copy and send it to her, or to forward stuff sent by e-mail - I don't mind doing it - but it is the school's job to send everything to both parents, and if that doesn't happen, the parent who doesn't get a copy should talk to the school and make it clear that they must be copied.

It sounds like lots of her complaints are just complaints.  You need to do what's right - like for example, if you get a copy of the report cards and she doesn't, it's a nice courtesy to send her a copy - but you don't have to buy into her complaints or search for ways to make her happy - that's probably not possible.

Ultimately, it's all about disengaging, so your ex no longer views you as someone who will fulfill her needs for emotional involvement.  When she sees you as a brick wall - neither positive nor negative, no interaction at all, except very dull information related to the kids - then she will leave you alone and look for another victim.
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« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2014, 02:40:48 PM »

Nope, she doesn't. Neither does mine. And the reason is that she doesn't get to ENGAGE you if there's a true parallel parenting plan in place.

I agree. It is for control on her part. She realizes she's lost her control. I also agree think about kids needs first.

It sounds like lots of her complaints are just complaints.  You need to do what's right - like for example, if you get a copy of the report cards and she doesn't, it's a nice courtesy to send her a copy - but you don't have to buy into her complaints or search for ways to make her happy - that's probably not possible.

I agree. Show courtesy and be indifferent with complaints and not appease her mood and try to make her feel happier.

Ultimately, it's all about disengaging, so your ex no longer views you as someone who will fulfill her needs for emotional involvement.  When she sees you as a brick wall - neither positive nor negative, no interaction at all, except very dull information related to the kids - then she will leave you alone and look for another victim.

That's the thing and you're absolutely right. I have been using SET. I was trying to see if I could communicate with her, smooth things and see if we could potentially co-parent. An experiment on my behalf, to test.  Be indifferent with behaviors, but it's just opening the door to complaints, woes, fog and fulfilling emotional needs.

I still have 15 years until the youngest is of age. After that I plan on being done. No contact.

Her insecurities are for the replacement to worry about. I've done my tour of duty. I sense her fear of abandonment is triggered. He moved in and weekend of she sent me a torrent of emails. They've lived together for 6 months now.

I think it's sending a quick line or two and as you say. Dull to the point. A wall.

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« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2014, 03:56:00 PM »

Boss, Matt, Mutt,

Do your schools,have everything on line? Mine does. They (uBPDxw) has the same access that I do. Hell, there's even an app she can download off the school website for her smart phone. This will give her instant access to everything. Grades, test results, homework grades, upcoming assignments, schedules, school calendar, report cards, teacher e-mails, what they learned in class, heck you can even see what the kids ate for lunch for crying out loud. I told my X if she wants to be involved go on-line like I did. Nobody had to tell me what to do! She acts helpless and says she doesn't know what to do   oh well I'm not your Daddy anymore, go ask your flipping boyfriend to hold your hand and teach you how to be responsible... .Not my job anymore

That's why my X hates parallel parenting... .It puts her on the spot and shines a light on her lack of interest in her kids lives.

Be that as it may I still fwd all emails to her and photo copy everything with iPad and email it to her so there's a record that I sent it. I also do this with kids sports schedules.

Hang in there brothers... .MWC  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2014, 04:05:53 PM »

That's a good idea mywifecrazy. I work fulltime and I haven't gone down to the school. I'm not taking them to daycare Monday, I'm keeping S3 with me and dropping the other 2 off. It gives me a chance to talk to the school. I'm going to ask if they have something online.

A side note. I had tried to get ex onboard with https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/ last year. She wouldn't do it. She said it was too expensive. I said I would foot the bill for both  Being cool (click to insert in post) More complaining. I could have pressed it in court but settled for email in our court order. So it's email and voice recorders instead.
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« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2014, 04:20:39 PM »

Yeah, lots of stuff is online now - grades, assignments, etc.  Other stuff is sent by e-mail.  Not much is paper now.  But of course if someone wants to complain they'll always find something to complain about.

Don't withhold anything just to make a point, but I find that if I just ignore most of the complaints she moves on.

If there is something that - if our positions were reversed - I would appreciate her doing, I try to do that, as a courtesy, and it helps.  My kids see that I'm being reasonable and I know I'm doing what's right.  But mostly I think it's best to disengage, and let the other parent deal directly with the school if they want something.
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