Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:37:00 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: D2 and S4 already going into Emotional Parent Roles for Mom  (Read 387 times)
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« on: September 26, 2014, 11:12:49 AM »

My Ex called me yesterday for a legitimate reason after a few texts back and forth. She is rather high functioning, and is aware of some of her issues, vis-a-vis the children, her easily triggered anger. She said she wanted to share a "cute" incident with S4. She was getting them into the car and getting frustrated:

"You know how I get."

"Yes."

She related that S4 told her, "Mommy, you need to pray for forgiveness."

"What are you talking about?" She said, getting more angry that he would talk to her like that.

"You need to pray for being angry because you hurt me. I'm going to pray for you, Mommy."

She said that his later words calmed her down and she saw that she was overreacting. She then went on about how cute it was and she was telling her brother and gf. I was   while listening to this. She said, "It was kind of like when D2 put me on a time out recently, did I tell you that story?"

"Yes, you did, when we all went to the movies a month ago," one of the rare times we've all hung out as a family. Yes, would be cute... .if I didn't know better.

Though at least she's aware of it, it bothers me that she's so flippant about these incidents. It is the same flippancy she had at the end of our r/s: "we had a good six year run." "I wish I had known these things about marriage. Oh well, live and learn." "I know I made a 'mistake' bringing [my replacement] into the kids' lives so much so soon," after the kids were having major problems all of a sudden, but then she went back to it right away, because the needs of her bf and her take precedence over what's healthy. I had to guess what was going on, and she only admitted it when "caught" even though I knew about it and didn't have a problem until it started affecting the kids.

I had a long talk with her a little over two months ago when she lost control and spanked S4 when he accidentally peed his pants (the spanking in violation of the custody stipulation, whose language is clear). We talked about parentification, and that how is can hurt children to make them responsible for a parents' feelings. She seemed to understand and agree, and related it to how she was with her parents. So here we are, raising little co-dependents, one incident at a time. I thought about writing her an email, something how I would do here if a member came here asking for validation or advice, but I think I'll let this one slide and just focus on the kids. I think I could write it in a way in which she would be receptive, but raising awareness--- and shame does drive this person, as it seems to be what prompts her to reach out--- will not change her. The thing is, like many times in our relationship, she may get angry at me later for not pointing out the obvious now, because I was in the emotional parent role, after all.

No wonder S4 doesn't really talk about things that on when he's with their mom. I ask him, and he deflects, other than to occasionally throw out, "Mommy got me this shirt and shoes." If incidents like this prompt her to share or reach out, then I wonder how much WoE the kids do over there. Things will only get worse as they detach from us as they age. In retrospect, that was my childhood, but my mom was a rather low functioning BPD; whereas, my Ex has recurrent and constant underlying issues which may not be at a clinical level--- except for the outright craziness which happened most of last year, or her suicide ideation 4 years ago. Her diagnosed depression and easily triggered anger are always there though. I guess I am proud of them for asserting their boundaries so young, and it that it comes from within them.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!