Does anybody else struggle with the desire to lash out?

[vortex of confusion]

My husband went to a high school reunion this weekend. With him gone, all of these feelings are bubbling up for me. After we dropped him off at the airport, he called to report that he had made it through security. Then he texted me that he was boarding the plane. Then he texted me that he was getting ready to take off. As soon as the plane landed and they were taxiing, he texted me.

He knew that I was out having a big night with our daughter and my sister yet he sent me a picture of something. And then, this morning, I got a good morning message. So, I figured I would call him and tell him about how our evening went because I got home too late to call him last night. So, I call him. While I am in the middle of trying to tell him about our evening, he cuts me off so that he can talk to his mom. I said, "You clearly want to talk to your mom. Goodbye." So I hung up. He called back and was pissy and was telling me that he just wanted to show his mom something. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he hollers for his mom while I am in the middle of a sentence. It started to devolve into a fight but it was somehow de-escalated. He had to give me a full report of everything that he was doing. Later, I get a message with a picture of what he had for dinner last night. Then he sends me an update on something else. I am getting friggin' infuriated.

I haven't heard from him in quite a while, which is a good thing. But, I am fighting the urge to lash out at him. I know that he is busy doing his thing with his friends in his home town and hasn't contacted me at all. I so badly want to bombard him with texts or pick a fight with him. I am not going to do it. I am disappointed in myself for even having such thoughts. He plans his own stuff without any regard for me. I had said that I wanted to do my thing way before he made plans for his thing. And then, when I am busy, he interrupts like crazy. When he is busy, I leave him alone.

Feeling a bit frazzled is all. When he is around all the time, I don't really get to feel much because I am trying to make sure that I don't start anything with him. Without him being around, I am having a whirlpool of emotions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

So what cool things did you do with your daughter and sister? 

I am not BPD, but I think I do this sort of stuff to my wife, too, when I travel. It is invalidating for you, and I am sorry that it is triggering you. Is there any way that you can try SET to communicate what is happening with you?

Aside from that, what sorts of good things are you planning for yourself. It has sounded like you were due for a break from your husband. Enjoy the peace and do something good for you. 

[vortex of confusion]

My sister and I took our oldest daughter to her very first rock concert. The coolest thing is that when my sister and I went to our first concert, it was to see the same artist. We got to make a lot of jokes about being old. It was unbelievably awesome.

It was frustrating to have him texting me while I was trying to meet my sister and enjoy the concert. I ignored several of his texts. It is just infuriating to have him call and text at his convenience without any consideration for what I am doing. And, I saw some messages with a girl that he went to high school with. He was flirting heavily with her and calling her a hottie and they were making plans to meet in the parking lot and have a few drinks. I don't think I was supposed to see those messages.

The kids and I are trying to figure out something fun to do tomorrow but the problem is that he is only going to be gone for another day. The kids and I barely have time to relax before he gets home again. His anxiousness and snappiness really has a negative impact on the kids. The longer he is gone, the less tense things are with the kids. I never realized how tense he makes things.

[MissyM]

And, I saw some messages with a girl that he went to high school with. He was flirting heavily with her and calling her a hottie and they were making plans to meet in the parking lot and have a few drinks. I don't think I was supposed to see those messages.

Woah, well that would be enough to make me want to lash out.  You seemed to have kind of glossed that over but for a BPD sex addict, that is a huge deal.

[vortex of confusion]

Woah, well that would be enough to make me want to lash out.  You seemed to have kind of glossed that over but for a BPD sex addict, that is a huge deal.

That's what I thought too. But, part of me tried to normalize it as two old friends getting together. I know her husband wasn't going to be there. And, he isn't posting anything on social media and has gone really quiet. He usually only gets this quiet when he is up to no good.

I have to admit that I have been heckling him via text. I shouldn't be doing it but I am just so darned angry with him and am really feeling like I am done. I feel like he "accidentally" sabatoges all of the things that I want to do and when I try to say anything he acts all innocent.

[MissyM]

That's what I thought too. But, part of me tried to normalize it as two old friends getting together. I know her husband wasn't going to be there. And, he isn't posting anything on social media and has gone really quiet. He usually only gets this quiet when he is up to no good.

Something they talk about in COSA is don't paint a red flag as white.  It is a big deal and I would be furious if this happened with my dBPDh that is a recovering SA. 

I have to admit that I have been heckling him via text.  I shouldn't be doing it but I am just so darned angry with him and am really feeling like I am done.

That isn't going to make you feel any better.  What are some strategies you can use to take care of yourself?

I feel like he "accidentally" sabatoges all of the things that I want to do and when I try to say anything he acts all innocent.

Don't think it is accidental that they sabotage.  The playing innocent is part of a game.  Setting boundaries is the only way to deal with that.

[vortex of confusion]

That isn't going to make you feel any better.  What are some strategies you can use to take care of yourself?

I tried to distract myself watching a movie and piddling around the house. He eventually called me after I sent him a bunch of texts. I think I did it because I felt safe doing it. I know that he can't really do anything because he is so far away. And, I know that he is going to be on his best behavior because he is at his mother's house. Our conversation was interesting to say the least. He did get mad and yell at me a few times but I was able to stand firm. If he had been at work or anywhere close, he would have run home and things would have devolved.

As for taking care of myself, I really think that I need to feel all of these feelings that are coming up. My kids are opening up and saying things about dad. One of the kids asked, "Is dad still going to be a jerk when he comes home?" I told her that I didn't know but I don't know why dad would come any different that he usually is. Things are so much more peaceful without him around. The kids are continually making comments and observations about the differences and it is fueling the fires for me.

Don't think it is accidental that they sabotage.  The playing innocent is part of a game.  Setting boundaries is the only way to deal with that.

I am figuring that out. I am working around him rather than even trying to get him to work with me.