Being permanently split white

[vortex of confusion]

I am reading all of these threads about people being split black by their partners. My partner cannot or will not directly say anything bad about me at all. He may do it behind my back and he may be passive aggressive but he will not say anything negative directly to me.

We were having a conversation on the phone and I wanted to have a give and take conversation. I was mad at him for some things that he did. At some point in the conversation, he says, "I can't think of anything wrong that you have ever done in our relationship. Everything that you have done wrong has been because of me."

At another point not too long ago, he said I was a saint for putting up with him.

I absolutely HATE being adored like that. I HATE it when people are unwilling or unable to call me on my crap. I am much more appreciative when somebody will tell me things honestly. My best female friend and I will tell each other, "Hey, you need to rethink that." or we will remind each other of stuff or flat out say, "I think you are being ridiculous."

There have been times in our relationship when I have deliberately been a jerk just to see if I could get a rise out of him. There have been times when I have deliberately said or done things but he finds a way to turn it around and make it about him and how I never would have done those things if it hadn't been for him. No, I fully recognize that I can be the biggest b**ch on the planet. I work hard to curb that but it can be so difficult when I feel like there is absolutely no accountability on my part. I think partners should be able to hold each other accountable. I think it keeps things more balanced and honest.

Does anybody else have a problem with this? I'd like to hear some thoughts, stories, experiences.

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[sweetheart]

Hello vortex,

Your post initially made me sigh and remember being idealised 

What I also wondered is does he split anyone or anything else black ? I just wondered where he keeps his 'bad' do you know? Is all his bad in him ?

I can hear your frustration, but my thoughts are that clearly it is very important for your husband to keep you 'good.' It might be that you represent the split off part of himself where he invests all his good, and that if you are tainted then he has nothing left.

[vortex of confusion]

Hello vortex,

Your post initially made me sigh and remember being idealised 

What I also wondered is does he split anyone or anything else black ? I just wondered where he keeps his 'bad' do you know? Is all his bad in him ?

I can hear your frustration, but my thoughts are that clearly it is very important for your husband to keep you 'good.' It might be that you represent the split off part of himself where he invests all his good, and that if you are tainted then he has nothing left.

Oh wow! I think he has split himself black. Everything is his fault and he can't see anything good that he does. It is very frustrating. We have had discussions about him trying to be like me. I get frustrated because I feel like he wants to parent like I do and do all of the things that I do. I remember telling him one time that he needed to focus on his own strengths and be his own person. He isn't me and can never be me. I had forgotten about that conversation until you said the above. He has said that he is jealous of me because I make everything look so easy.

Every now and then, he will split his mother or somebody else black. For the most part, I think he is the one that he has painted black.

Man the statement, "It might be that you represent the split off part of himself where he invests all his good, and that if you are tainted then he has nothing left." hits me really hard. I can't be the center of that level of idealization/idolization but I think that statement holds a lot of truth. For me, it is too much of a burden.

[waverider]

Has he always been like this?

Is he stuck in martyr mode?

I am rarely painted black now, the result is less conflict, but much more depressive inward loathing of herself. Not as a result of anything I do, but more as a feeling of being a failure and a burden. It also seems closely tied with lack of real effort in anything.

As Sweetheart says painting themselves black. she still paints her family very black (but then so do I)

[Moselle]

Man the statement, "It might be that you represent the split off part of himself where he invests all his good, and that if you are tainted then he has nothing left." hits me really hard. I can't be the center of that level of idealization/idolization but I think that statement holds a lot of truth. For me, it is too much of a burden.

Perfection is always too much of a burden. Problem is we can be pleasers too, so we try to be perfect, and of course we fail, but yours has an interesting way of playing victim. Blaming himself for all the things you do wrong. Wow.

[vortex of confusion]

Has he always been like this?

Is he stuck in martyr mode?

I am rarely painted black now, the result is less conflict, but much more depressive inward loathing of herself. Not as a result of anything I do, but more as a feeling of being a failure and a burden. It also seems closely tied with lack of real effort in anything.

As Sweetheart says painting themselves black. she still paints her family very black (but then so do I)

I am trying to think back. I don't think he has ever directly said anything bad about me. Now, he will be very passive aggressive and critical. When called on it, he will deny those things and will say that I never do anything wrong. It has been very confusing for me to live with somebody that openly acts like I am perfect but passive aggressively does all sorts of little things to be critical. It has been very crazy making for most of our marriage.

I know that there are things that I have done to contribute to mess things up between us. He can't or won't bring those things up unless it is in the context of how he made me do it. I am wondering if he takes the blame for everything because I have blamed him too much for things over the years. I don't really think so. I feel like I have tried to hold him accountable for his actions and communicate with him but I don't feel that he is willing and able to do the same.

Yes, I do think he is in permanent martyr mode. It seems like he is the victim of so much. He is the sex addict but he seems to find ways to say that it is because of his rigid upbringing. He continually makes poor choices. Actually, he continually makes choices without thinking about the possible ramifications of those choices. I am seeing now that it is related to the impulsiveness.

And the lack of real effort in anything is very similar to him. He puts very little effort into anything. He has told me for at least the past year that he can't be bothered with working on our relationship because he has to focus on himself and his recovery with sex addiction. He acts like I am a saint and will simply sitting around waiting for him to decide that HE is ready. He told me that he wants to start working on our relationship a couple of days ago. Now, I am not so sure that I even want to bother. I have been put off for so long and he seems to think that I am some kind of perfect saint that will stay in this holding pattern and take whatever little bit he will give me. I can't handle this level of responsibility. I am not perfect and I want things to be real rather than this distorted crap that puts me in a position to live up to some kind of impossible standard.