Tired of no validation for me

[Cat21]

My uBPDh and I have had a good six weeks. No arguments and things were actually going really well. That is, until he went through a very anxiety ridden and difficult work situation. For the last week, he has been a shell of a human being completely doubting himself, swimming in a pool of self-pity, and generally just being a miserable person. As soon as the work situation was finished, and successful, he went back to being his usual self. It's as if nothing happened. Except he expected me to be the person he dumped on, and the person he relied on to support him throughout it all. This made me feel bitter. There have been many times when I needed him to be there for me emotionally and he absolutely cannot. I know this is just BPD.

Well, he sensed that I was irritated about something today so he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I wasn't ready to talk about it but that we could chat about it when I felt like I had my thoughts together. He pressed me so I told him that I thought his behavior over the last week was difficult. I explained to him that it felt like all he did was take take take. I spent the week validating him nonstop; I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible, and he responded very well to it. But of course, this was very difficult. I wanted to discuss how difficult this was for me and how it made me feel. But he would not even let me get a word in edgewise without interrupting me and talking over me. As soon as things started heading towards argument territory, I left the house.

In light of the fact that the last six weeks have been good, this just feels like a punch in the gut. Why am I always the person that has to validate his feelings, but he can never seem to validate mine? I'm preaching to the choir. :'(

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[maxsterling]

I'm preaching to the choir. :'(

Unfortunately, you are  . 

Validation?  Minimal.  Sometimes it's even blatant invalidation.  She has claimed she doesn't care how I feel.  Claimed that I stress her out if I cry.  Claims I need to "man up".  The most validation I get is usually at a time when I really just need someone to listen, or when she admits she has problems and "feels bad" about the way she acted. 

The good thing is, I spent years single, taking care of myself, validating myself, and building good friendships.  I don't need her to validate me, but I could certainly do without the blatant invalidation.  And her constant validation seeking wears me out sometimes... .

[Cat21]

Yes, max, I think it's the invalidation that's getting to me. If I think about it, I'm good at validating myself and I seek validation from friends and family. But it definitely sucks to validate him all of the time and get very little in return.

[waverider]

Having your own validation time hijacked and having to practice not invalidating them while trying to validate yourself, just takes the value out of it.

Going to get some space is probably the best thing in these situations.

[Lilac0704]

I know. It is so tough. The invalidation over the past 9 years has eaten away at me. Fortunately, I am great at validating myself (and others) so that has kept me going. However, now that I truly see and know how it REALLY is (that he is PD), I am suddenly quite fed up with the invalidation from my him.

However, now that I have realized precisely what it is that has been missing for me, I feel enormous relief. I can now choose to move forward in life not exposing myself to a lack of validation (and respect, and love, and compassion).

[Cat21]

Well, now it seems to have gotten much worse. Neither my husband and I were home for most of the day, but he was supposed to be home for dinner this evening. He did not come home at the time he said he was going to, because he was out with a friend who is buying him drinks. He texted me 30 minutes after the time he was supposed to come home, to tell me that he would be late because he had to wait for his friend, who drove him, to sober up. When he arrived home , an hour and 15 minutes later than he originally said he would, he was clearly intoxicated. He was trying very hard to hide the fact that he was intoxicated, but it was obvious to me. I asked him if you wanted to have a discussion about last nights events, and he said "why, something is always going to be wrong here." I told him that I didn't understand what he meant by that, and then said that perhaps it's better to talk about this at a later date, as he was clearly not in a mental capacity that was able to support a serious discussion.

He saw that I had had a glass of wine, and accused me of being drunk. I am most certainly not drunk; I had half a glass of wine with my dinner. As soon as I realized what was about to happen, I started to get my things together to leave. He told me that each time I walk out when we have arguments, I am sending him a message of ending our relationship. Keep in mind, I have never once mentioned ending our relationship. I am merely setting enforcing boundaries, and I've been doing it for the last two years. I was clearly taken aback by this accusation, and I said, I'm doing no such thing; I'm leaving because I don't want to argue with you. Then he mumbled something under his breath, and I asked him what he said. He said "if you ever think you're going to divorce me, think again. The only way you and I will ever not be married, is when one of us dies."

I have no idea how to respond to this; he's truly never said anything this crazy to me before. Maybe it doesn't seem crazy to a lot of you, but for me this is brand-new territory. I changed out of my pajamas put my clothes on to leave, and he called me a psycho as I was walking out the door. I know that his actions and words are fueled by alcohol. But, I have a very busy week coming up, and I don't have the luxury of being able to leave and go somewhere else right now. What should I do?

[Cat21]

Not sure if it helps to know this, but I'm in T; he is not. I have been waiting for an appropriate time to ask him to see a T together; that time was going to be this week. Now I'm not sure it will be affective, if he's dysregulated. I arrived home a moment ago after cooling off, and told him that he can sleep on the couch tonight. It's times like this that it really sucks living in a 2 room apartment... .

[FigureIt]

I totally understand the invalidation!  My uBPDbf's 85+yr. old aunt passed away in April and he claims I wasn't there for him because I didn't watch her take her last breath.  Although, I was there through the entire wake, funeral, etc.  Now my aunt who was 60 just passes completely unexpected and he goes out drinking with his friends the day I find out, then tells me "things happen for a reason... ." etc., etc.

I felt sad all weekend, but kept busy.  Not once did he ask me how I was or volunteer to go do something to get my mind off.  Actually he was irritated that both Sat. & Sun. I took my D8 shopping for a couple hours and wasn't home with him.

I actually get more validation from my co-workers then him. 

And I am expecting more invalidation on the funeral, because I will be playing my instrument for it while my mom & other aunts sing and he will be upset I am not sitting there with him.