Indian drama

[AnnaK]

I am 3 days in India. The insanity in full swing.

First 3 days was a clingy phase. Not able to let go of each other... .only I went to arrange for boxing classes, texted him all the time, still he was so concerned for me as if I were to go naked in a ghetto at night.

He has his right hand wrist sprained... .from punching the wall... .he does not know why... .there was some girl and her family living here while I was not. And another (or same?) going to come. I was asked several times if I mind. I said I don't... .but he asked again - I said I don't mind - but if I catch him in bed with her, I'll mock him for at least a week... .He said - no, no, just a friend! Okay then - let her come! (anyway it's better to know those triangulation girls). But after she learned about me, she refused to come (hmm... .? Just a "female friend" in need? really?).

After I came from MMA school, he looked so unhappy I suggested to go for lunch tomorrow to a good restaurant - I am paying. He seemed to want to go, woke me up at 6am to choose the restaurant (I refused - I was sleeping). Then he woke me again and again under some pretext - until I finally suggested him to just come sleep with me. He looked insecure, almost scared - but agreed. Wanted to go right away "if I bother you". I kept him in, assuring that I "like" him (it was true). After that reassurance we were both able to finally sleep.

Hell started in the restaurant. I can't keep conversation (true, so what?), then it proceeded that i m just an aristocratic b___ (not true to the fact - my roots are simple). I let it pass. He tried to walk out and suggest me to look for a cab to get home. But changed his mind after they brought food. Still fine. I paid the bill and his cigarettes. Never mind. We arrived home okay. Then I complained I needed a desk. The one desk in our place he refuses to give me - no matter that he only uses it occasionally ("I am preparing business!" and I work since Monday for 8 hours. I don't drive nor do I know India - obviously, his help is welcome - and expected, given that I pay the rent and came from Spain just for him. Minimum reciprocation should be normal without any mind games.

So I said - but he suggested me to fend for myself - and the conversation followed to "I have not been talking to u for 3 months, why did u come at all?" - "Oh, really! I am buying the ticket back!" - "Get out of my place!" - "Fine!" - I pick up my shoulder bag and walk out. He runs after me shouting "Give back the keys!" (later he claimed he tried to stop me, but this is what he shouted).

The wind and music cooled down my head - I picked the ricksha and went to a shopping mall (and to check out the desks - albeit expensive for India, they are okay for Spain, and they come with home delivery. So I texted telling I just went to a mall. He texted back he'll lock the door latch from inside.

Okay. When I came, latch was locked. He answered the call, but said: "stay out until you lose your attitude!". Aha, I thought, that's forever.

Then he got drunk and passed out, latch still locked. I went to a grocery store, bought a door rug and, a blanket, Gatorade, Coke and potato chips and camped on the floor outside our door. Told all the neighbors that no worries - my hubby passed out drunk and left the latch locked - I am fine, I have money, food and water, sooner or later he'll have to go out. We had a good laugh and there I stayed. I could not go to the hotel - to start with, all my documents was home. I only had my bank card.

Only too bad my iPhone was out of battery - point, I need to have a charger with me at all times. So I was bored. Entertained myself reciting poems - I know lots.

After 5 hours or so, he showed up. Said he would not open. I was tired, bored and told him I am going to police. He keeps all my documents and money. So I will lock the OUTER latch to keep him in. I did not do it so far because I wanted to spare him - but if he made his position clear, game over. After that I was allowed inside.

There I went lose on him - for about five minutes. We'll, we did not punch each other (he has a sprained wrist), but it went a bit violent - I tried to control him by trying to lock his arm (same where he has the trauma - I tried to spare the wrist, so it was not successful - also he was busy screaming "no, no, not this hand, it's damaged!", he waved his fist at me (wow! Scary thing that male fist!). Eventually I locked the door of my room and told him to shut up.

Then we texted and phoned half the night, he said he was leaving, I suggested him to control the impulse, then think. Then he came to teach me my shortcomings again (he blamed me among other things that I do not act like a girl  - obviously, he ruined many girls' lives, thank you very much). There was a moment I tried to take ticket home again - then he left me alone and I controlled the impulse again.

Morning fresh start. He checked my room and woke me up. I invited him to come (I m not angry - and I had a let out with all that physical fighting and yelling - it helped me to let go of 5 hours on the blanket - it was just a game, I have a free day... .but probably it was not the right thing to do from his part even so... .we'll, he became a local joke in this building as my soft revenge - Indians are great at spreading rumors). So I invited him in but he just said "I thought you went out!". Abandonment fears.

Then I decided to make the first step and to give him the cash I brought for us. A lot. As soon as the cash was in his possession he felt in control again. I reminded him abt the desk. He said I had to "ask him" (did not say how exactly) or fend for myself.

Long story short, I grabbed the cash that was lying around and snapped again - I tried to be nice but as soon as I gave cash, I got the "fend for yourself" answer - and he was on his way to get drunk and pass out. "Sometimes" he might buy me a desk, he said. And I need it for tomorrow morning for work. So I said ":)esk first, cash second - game over" - "then get out of my apartment!"... .I considered hotel, plane ticket, then cursed and suggested him to come expulse me with police and flat owner - given that he's late on rent, I would like to talk to owner and re-hook the rent payments onto me somehow. At least I won't be kicked out that much.

To begin with - he's well drunk. So he can't. But he let me talk to the owner. His son picked up, I explained politely that my "husband" is out of job and left them my phone number to talk of rent.

After that he looked sad. "So I should get out now?" - "That as you want. Thing is - I do not want to get out"

Since then, we have been pretty much in our own rooms. Latches locked. I don't know, he might be sleeping. None of us probably feels like talking to the other one anyway. I have money, owner has my phone number - he'll prefer me to the drunk jobless belligerent guy... .

I am in control, but I don't know what to talk about anymore. I have shown sharp teeth - he was crossing limits. If he does not manage to see it - I pretty much have nothing to say. But I seem to have the upper hand so he might be interested in being nice

Any ideas?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AnnaK]

Update. The whole thing probably started because he is currently jobless and naturally short on money. I kinda paid our rent - and February through june, also some support to him personally - but then I was clear that in June I will discontinue support because of taxes and plane ticket cost. I can't support him on the long run. But he's still jobless - and in understandable financial trouble.

And there I pay an equivalent of 40 euros for lunch ("cheap" lunch in India can be found for just 1-5 euros). That probably made him feel bad, so he went lose at me, and after trying hard enough, it came where it came.

[AnnaK]

He just called me from the other room. Drunk to the point of stuttering - but obviously worried about rent and his future. Talked about the rent. I said get sober - then we'll discuss the situation. I said I told the owner to call me about late rent and future rent. I might also request the latch to be removed - thanks a lot, if he passes out drunk with the latch locked, we'll need the firemen to break that iron door.

So I guess sobering my beloved (he usually sobers up after getting in trouble), the latch removed, rent hooked onto me... .and something about the desk too... .will return us back to sanity... .Lol

[AnnaK]

We agreed. I said I'd give him some quantity to solve the immediate problems - in exchange he won't cheat me. This simple but ingenious solution took us whole day of mind games.

[Haye]

I am in control, but I don't know what to talk about anymore. I have shown sharp teeth - he was crossing limits. If he does not manage to see it - I pretty much have nothing to say. But I seem to have the upper hand so he might be interested in being nice

Before commenting further, i have to apologize for not understanding all in your post. English is not my first language, even though i'm pretty fluent sometimes i still can't fully follow. 

I dunno. Dealing with a complicated person, be it BPD or something else, is difficult. I might be badly off, but erm it might work better if you can explain what went wrong to him. To my eyes it looks like you two are involved in odd sorts of power games? What i've learnt from living with a BPD spouse (and from childhood with 'dramtic' parents) is that we the more sane ones need to avoid the games and the drama as far as we can.

Have checked out the tools section here? I have found them very helpful. Issuing boundaries, like no cheating, are important and needed. I'm not sure exchanging money (that's quantity, right?) for something that is (or sounds like) a boundary is good. But these are just vague thoughts, i'm not sure i understood your text correctly and of course each person and relationship is unique.

[AnnaK]

The layout is like this. He needs to pay the rent urgently (we both live here, but he is in the contract). I have the money for it. But see what's the problem - the moment i gave him the money for rent for 4 months plus some more, he refused to give me any further assistance (like buying a working desk). You have the problem - you solve it, he said. So I took the money and told him: now you have the problem and you solve it. I can help you but see - the moment you got the money - u refused to collaborate with me. So i cant give you the money - i do not like to be made an idiot. So I wont give you money. So now we both got problems. How can we solve it?

[AnnaK]

But i m sorry maybe you are right, just power games. Sorry for offtopic, i was quite altered... .