Tired and scared (a rant?)

[Haye]

A difficult week behind us and i feel weak, sad and quite alone in this mess.

I had felt my SO becoming suddenly somewhat distant. Last week we didn't spend much time together, he kept himself busy by doing stuff of gaming or such way past me going to bed. Not a huge problem really, i know that both his need to be close and ability to be close fluctuates and it's something he can't help really. Avoiding physical contact - even hugs and such - felt of course a bit bad, I admit, but I do not wish him to be close to me if he doesn't feel like it himself. I did wonder if he was pulling away, like most here we've had a rollercoaster and he's been staying stabely with me longer that ever before. Feared it, basically. I wasn't sure, but i also sensed some dissociation going on.

Couple of days ago he self-injured when he was alone for the whole day. Yesterday eve he started to move back to me, at least physically, this morning we were lying peacefully together when he started to talk about suicide, basically stating how cruel and selfish it is for me deny him the only way to get out, to insist he has to go on.

It's... .hard. Sometime later he talked about how difficult he is, that i have to walk on egg-shells not to trigger a reaction here or a panic attack there... .That left alone for only one day he SI's... .Basically being sorry to be such a strain and also hating the mess he is. He also talked about he knows he has to try, and he works as hard as possible (it's true, he's attending counseling and for example never misses an appointment, he's given up all his old tricks like internet dating sites or chatting). But it's a lonely road, he says, filled with pain and crowded by anxiety and sometimes he just wishes to could give up. On the other hand i felt he was somehow back again. Tormented, but back. Hugging again, being gentle and somehow just being here. I reminded him of the progress his made, how i see him as a gentle, kind, intelligent and lovely creature, albeit someone who's been scarred badly and is hurting as a result. He just said it doesn't matter. It doesn't stick in. No matter how much I (or anybody else) says about the good things we see in him his mind simple doesn't accept what we say. I apologized for stumbling to some of his trigger-points earlier this week, him telling me not to be silly. Saying that he doubts i actually triggered anyting (there is no way to be sure) and that anyways those triggers aren't my doing and no one should have to be trying to navigate through.

I feel so alone dealing with this. Helpless, i guess? His family doesn't know how unwell he is and the few friends i know are not the type i could talk to (for various reasons).

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[takingandsending]

Hello Haye.

You have had a lot on your plate to deal with. First, I wanted to honor how tremendously supportive you were with your SO. It seems that you are being really considerate of his needs in a moment of extreme distress. Is he on any medication currently? If so, is it possible that there has been any change or perhaps may need adjustment? The SI is definitely a result of dissociation, so please keep encouraging him to find a point of self soothing. Is there a special place or activity that you both like that may help him to reconnect to himself? My uBPDw has found sitting at a lake, listening to the waves, to help her when she is having a dissociation (not that she understands what is happening within her). Lastly, do you have any contact with his T, that you could perhaps let him/her know that your bf is depressed and you are concerned?

I can see how hard this is, and you are really trying to support him. I hope that you are doing some self-soothing for yourself, too, and I hope that things improve. Please keep posting and let us know how you both are doing. 

[MissyM]

And is he medicated, not just doing therapy?  My dBPDh dips really badly into depression and hopelessness without medication.

[Haye]

Thanks, Takingandsending, I really needed that 

MissyM and Takingandsending - he is medicated quite well i think. An antidepressant (SSRI) and sedatives & anti-psychotics to be taken when needed + a new one. He doesn't particularly like either sedatives nor anti-psychotics, because of side-effects, make him drowsy but if doing really really unwell doesn't protest if i bluntly order him to take one or two sedatives (he falls as sleep usually). And of course that requires i'm around to observe how he is doing... .They are also trying a new one, lamotrigine, to help stopping self-injuring, depression etc. It had to be started slowly, so not sure yet if it is working or not - his doctor said result with BPD's and dissociative people can be seen only after some months. It might also help with his eating disorder and anxieties (obsessive compulsive thinking among others).

My SO isn't in actual therapy as his condition has been evaluated too weak to handle actual psychotherapy. But meets with a dedicated counseler (a psychologist who works closely with his doctor) weekly and their sessions appear to me as much needed, helpful but also heavy. I have asked to have contact with the psychologist, but here they insist on me meeting only together with him, even though we all agree that some of his problems (like dissociation) is better not discussed with him in the room as even talking about it makes it worse (he's mostly aware of it, btw, but unable to stop it from happening).

He is actually quite good finding stuff to do to try take his mind out from the inner h*ll. For example likes working at our garden, is good with animals, cooks for me and my kids (not his, from my previous relatioship). We both know that his dog's company brings him back / soothes him better than most things. Actually works remarkably well, and I'm happy he had the courage to take a dog of his own as that was an inner battle too. Just today I used the canine's help... .I could tell from the staring that he is caught inside, not responding to my tries (talking and gently tapping his shoulder) and I know from his stories it is a place he cannot get out by himself and needs to be rescued if possible. I simply put the dog on his lap and boom, he was caressing her. Unfortunately, sometimes even her company isn't enough to keep the monsters away.

I'm a bit better now. Concentrating on daily routines, like work and cooking and cleaning helps. He's more his softer version, which means he is trying to make sure i'm doing well. All in all i'm a bit over-whelmed, but i don't think too badly.