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Author Topic: Live your life Quit expecting the BPD to like it, approve of it, or support it  (Read 636 times)
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #30 on: May 31, 2016, 09:39:35 AM »

SingOn, keep in mind what Bob Marley said, "Give them an inch, they take a yard. Give them a yard, they take a mile."

My husband grouses about me riding horses with my female friends. "You probably want to go meet a cowboy." I find this hilarious. Like what am I going to do with my horse while I meet this hypothetical cowboy? And my friend? How does she fit into this scenario? A three-way while we hold onto our horses?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

The only cowboys I know work or have worked at the feed store. I said hello to two of them last weekend at the rodeo and wished one luck and complemented the other on his roping. My husband didn't say a thing.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

They get over it if you don't take their concerns seriously. However, as I learned in my first marriage, if you do treat their worries as if they have merit, soon your world gets smaller and smaller.

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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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« Reply #31 on: May 31, 2016, 09:49:02 AM »

That's how I felt about being out with the kids. Someone looking to hit on someone isn't likely to choose a mom with kids in tow. I mean, what am I supposed to do in front of the kids? Mostly I was out with other moms and their kids too. Collectively, we looked like a day care center. Any man who dared approach us was likely to get diaper duty, not a date... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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RebeccaN

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« Reply #32 on: May 31, 2016, 03:11:42 PM »

Yes, it is a positive message for any time.

They are masters at getting our attention and we are masters at giving it to them. It really is a bit of a toxic soup if we play by the borline's rules. Break them and live,

What do you think you can do during this silent teatment episode to let him know things have changed?

I remember how painful the silent treatments were. I learned a trick.  As soon as it started I did fun things for me. Fishing, connecting with old friends, movies. Before long I was looking forward to the silences  Smiling (click to insert in post) It was my trigger to self care. What do you you think his reasons are for giving you the silent treatment?

You couldn't be more correct, Moselle! They are definitely masters at getting our attention. I originally thought the silent treatment would end soon and then I could share my feelings with my partner. However, there has still only been silence and she has told mutual friends she is done and that I never have enough to the relationship. This is of course insane, because I pretty much lost myself giving every ounce of my soul and strength to this relationship.

At this point, I can't help but feel disrespected. I want to go out and live life but I know if she catches wind of me being happy she will either try to contact me as if nothing happened or try and hurt me purposely. I'm so tired of living in fear and letting another person's unstable emotions control my life. I love her very much, but at what point is enough enough? I guess I'm still trying to figure this out. This board has helped more than anything!

Oh, and yesterday I went out with new friends and had a wonderful day. We all deserve to smile. How are you holding up, Moselle?
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Moselle
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #33 on: June 01, 2016, 01:06:48 AM »

The difference between thrive and survive is how you set your default action.

This is crucial I think and one of the toughest for me as a recovering co-dependent. I find myself reacting rather than acting for myself. Awareness is the first step. I'm doing more 'acting' these days.

I'm excited to thrive.

Oh, and yesterday I went out with new friends and had a wonderful day. We all deserve to smile. How are you holding up, Moselle?

Well done for having a great time. This is self care. How am I holding up? Whew, I'm learning alot. The last 4 or 5 weeks have been ground breaking for me. I am 2.5 years into my co-dependent journey now, since I first discovered BPD and co-dependence.

I feel change and movement from all of this learning. I understood from a rational, intellectual standpoint quite easily. However the effects from years of abuse are difficult to shift. They are deep-seated, emotionally, neurologically and behaviourally.

We have to shift from victim mode, to ownership, and when that happens we begin the journey to healing. It is a light (not a dark) journey to discover living healthily. It is fun and adventurous to discover new, healthy ways of living. New, healthy friendships. I'm enjoying it.

My latest discovery is "shame". How it drives addictive behaviour (including co-dependency) , and is toxic. We deal with shame by bringing it out and discussing it. Warning, this can be extremely painful. If you do want to deal with it, I suggest you do so with a trained therapist, who understands shame very well.

It is groundbreaking and incredibly freeing when we relealse ourselves from the shame we carry from our childhoods and previous relationships. This more than any other thing has helped in my recovery.
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Daisy23

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« Reply #34 on: June 01, 2016, 10:09:15 AM »

I just want to read this thread over and over again. So reassuring and quells the loneliness I feel in my marriage.

I've learned to make any time my husband and I spend together structured. We watch a DVD, go to a museum (and see separate exhibits, coming together for a lunch and a tea), or do something with other people. Even so, I need to just about not see him at all the next day, just to recover from all the self-absorption and drama. But last Sunday we spent a day at the museum and I felt like I had a two day hangover afterwards. I felt disoriented, crazy. I've read being with pwBPD can throw us off, just never recognized it in myself so clearly. I finally realized how guilty I felt too - that he is not OK and I can't make it better. And angry - because my husband won't allow me to just be the nice person I've always been. And that's the gift - because I need to grow up beyond the niceness that always worked for me.

Does anyone else go through periods feeling like you can't trust yourself? And guilt? Anyone else need time to recover after time together with BPDspouse/partner?
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SingOn

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« Reply #35 on: June 01, 2016, 11:06:58 AM »

I need to just about not see him at all the next day, just to recover from all the self-absorption and drama. But last Sunday we spent a day at the museum and I felt like I had a two day hangover afterwards. I felt disoriented, crazy. I've read being with pwBPD can throw us off, just never recognized it in myself so clearly.

I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely need time off from H to recover. I am practicing boundaries while being with him, but unless I am effectively able to detach from his emotional drama, (and I do get glimmers of that emotional freedom now and then), I, too, need time away. Time to think clearly and remind myself that his behavior and words are not normal and have nothing to do with who I am at my core. Time to care for myself.

And angry - because my husband won't allow me to just be the nice person I've always been. And that's the gift - because I need to grow up beyond the niceness that always worked for me.

:'( This touched me. YES. So well put.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #36 on: June 01, 2016, 02:48:02 PM »

I've learned to make any time my husband and I spend together structured... .I need to just about not see him at all the next day, just to recover from all the self-absorption and drama... .I finally realized how guilty I felt too - that he is not OK and I can't make it better. And angry - because my husband won't allow me to just be the nice person I've always been. And that's the gift - because I need to grow up beyond the niceness that always worked for me.

Yes, it's exhausting at times to be with my husband. Fortunately we both like to spend time on our own. And we do structured activities like watching Netflix series together.

That codependency thing--wanting to make them better--that will go away with time if you work on it. At first you might feel guilty, but that too will pass. They will try to manipulate you by calling you selfish and self-absorbed, but so often that's just a projection. You've got to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others. And sometimes others don't want your help; they think they're perfectly fine just the way they are and "why don't you listen more to all my complaints and participate in my dramas--after all, isn't that what a good wife would do?"

It was really freeing to get to the point where I could agree with my husband when he said I was "selfish". "Yep, you're right." End of discussion. "You gotta problem with that?" Having a sense of humor about myself has really helped. However I still have a button that he can push when he says, "You think you're so perfect."

One of these days I'll just have to agree with him. (This has been a tough one because of my upbringing, I had zero self-confidence and self-esteem. I've had to fight really hard for all the good feelings I now have about myself and it really pisses me off when he uses the perfect slam.)
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #37 on: June 01, 2016, 02:51:48 PM »

I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely need time off from H to recover. I am practicing boundaries while being with him, but unless I am effectively able to detach from his emotional drama, (and I do get glimmers of that emotional freedom now and then), I, too, need time away. Time to think clearly and remind myself that his behavior and words are not normal and have nothing to do with who I am at my core. Time to care for myself.

It just takes time and practice in order to regularly find that emotional freedom. And yes, their words and behavior are not normal and have nothing to do with who you are at your core.

That said, they've likely learned quite well how to be emotionally manipulative and push our buttons. But once we can identify and deactivate our buttons, we regain our power.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #38 on: June 01, 2016, 05:29:23 PM »

Physical time apart is essential. My wife is low functioning and not working, I am her carer and can't leave her alone full time to have a full time job of my own. Otherwise it turns into escalating self harm, alcoholism and medication abuse. So without making "me" time it can turn into a 24/7 gig.

BPD is like a "life force sponge", it will suck up the time and effort not only of the pwBPD but anyone who is in constant contact with them. You need to have structure to your own life or it will just be absorbed and you won't have a clue how sop much time passes for no apparent progress with anything.

You need space just to be able to see things more clearly and refresh your realities. Otherwise you can fall into the trap of mirroring them. PD traits.

A lot of a pwBPDs issues stem from an invalidating background, so it goes without saying that if they totally dominate our lives then we are similarly being influenced.
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« Reply #39 on: June 01, 2016, 08:10:51 PM »

It was really freeing to get to the point where I could agree with my husband when he said I was "selfish". "Yep, you're right." End of discussion. "You gotta problem with that?" Having a sense of humor about myself has really helped. However I still have a button that he can push when he says, "You think you're so perfect."

One of these days I'll just have to agree with him. (This has been a tough one because of my upbringing, I had zero self-confidence and self-esteem. I've had to fight really hard for all the good feelings I now have about myself and it really pisses me off when he uses the perfect slam.)

My H has those phrases down to a tee, including "I need a wife who will... ."(do something he wants that I find unreasonable). Yes, and the selfish and perfect card. I'm getting more comfortable admitting selfishness because truly, selfishness (not in it's derogatory meaning) is what has helped humans to survive; it's why we put on the oxygen mask, even why we are compassionate, because it's good for us! And I'll be selfish if I have to! But the "you think you're so perfect" comment, which I just ignore but does hurt a bit... .you can't really just agree with it. There's no such thing as perfect. Could you just say lightheartedly, "I wish!" ?
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waverider
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« Reply #40 on: June 02, 2016, 02:41:49 AM »

There's no such thing as perfect. Could you just say lightheartedly, "I wish!" ?

"I'm not perfect, but I try to be the best i can,"
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Moselle
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« Reply #41 on: June 02, 2016, 01:01:04 PM »

BPD is like a "life force sponge", it will suck up the time and effort not only of the pwBPD but anyone who is in constant contact with them. You need to have structure to your own life or it will just be absorbed and you won't have a clue how sop much time passes for no apparent progress with anything.

I'm realising how 15 years in a BPD relationship affected this part of my life. I became ultra reactive to the varied swings and roundabouts of the BPD merry-go-round. I lost my structure and the power over my life. I gave it away

I don't anymore and I'm very grateful for that.  Thanks Waverider for sharing your insights!
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #42 on: June 02, 2016, 02:13:41 PM »

There's no such thing as perfect. Could you just say lightheartedly, "I wish!" ?

"I'm not perfect, but I try to be the best i can,"

Great responses. I'll file them away for the inevitable "You think you're so perfect" taunt. Thanks!   
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #43 on: June 04, 2016, 08:34:45 AM »

"Life force sponge" is so true. I'm so thankful for this thread. I see myself in the responses and immediately feel more solid.

A couple of days ago I made a clear demand for space. My husband now acknowledges he has work to do and is trying to heal in therapy. But he can't do almost anything without me. (The cleaning scenario is familiar.) He always says "yes" when I express my needs but his own neediness wins the race. Which makes me feel crazy and worthless. Therapy has helped - at least we can talk about "it," but I'm finally getting that I must carve out a good sized piece of my life that is not about him. Being married/partnered with a wBPD is like being emotionally single yet mentally and physically together.

I am taking to heart advice to structure my days and stick to that so my own life moves forward.
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