Communication

[Chasing_Ghosts]

So me and my ex started having more contact lately. Im wondering if its ok for me to be the one to initiate? She usually does. So should i keep it that way to not look desperate or make her feel engulfed? Im just confused on how im supposed to handle this situation... *sigh*

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

So me and my ex started having more contact lately. Im wondering if its ok for me to be the one to initiate? She usually does. So should i keep it that way to not look desperate or make her feel engulfed? Im just confused on how im supposed to handle this situation... *sigh*

As long as you keep following the rules... you should be fine.  Just make sure you are clear on your boundaries... and what you will do if your ex tries to push through them.


Just make sure that you don't seem to be chasing her. 

Invite her to do things that you are going to do anyway... .make sure if she declines... .that you go have coffee by yourself... .or whatever else it was that are going to do.

[maxsterling]

There's no easy answer on this one.  But - think the first step is to step back and ask yourself what you want or need from this relationship.   The second step is to realize that overthinking will probably get you nowhere, no matter what you need from the relationship.

BPD relationships seem to be characterized as "damned if you do, damned if you don't".  That means, you are better off trusting your gut rather than spend too much time contemplating every move (walking on eggshells).  You can spend all day planning out one course of action and she may reject you, or you can spend the day planning out a different course of action and she may still reject you.

[waverider]

Whether to initiate communication or not with someone is often clouded by over thinking and putting too much meaning into it.

If you are initiating communication with a view to it having great meaning, it raises the anxiety and inherent risks.

If you are just saying Hi, just for that sake of acknowledging someones existence and thats all then its less of an issue.

Its not what you say, it is what you are trying to saying without trying to be obvious you are saying it, that makes it all difficult

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thank you for all the responses as they really make communication initiative a simpler more cohesive action that what i thought it to be.

Her last text was late saturday night and it conveyed that shed let me know when she has free time to hang out. She initiated taking me up on an offer of several weeks before i proposed the idea of sitting down and talking even saying "we really should". She had also expressed interest in it several days before over text to find out what it was i needed to talk about but i declined and kept the boundary that id feel more comfortable talking in person to which she has seemed to comply.

Just make sure that you don't seem to be chasing her. 

I agree 100%. Ive actually been playing it off as im busy most of the time. The dynamic has since changed from before where id be texting her 2 or 3 times just to get a response before the break... to now her texting me 2 and 3 times trying to get my attention. Even saying things like "you dont respond fast enough" and sending : ( faces in my slow response time.

I know i shouldnt over think communication but at this point she said shed text me when she was free and i feel like the balls in her court in this... but im just wondering if just simple chatting without her initiation would defer her as it has before/change the dynamic. She seems to want my attention but whats weird is she never responded after our last texting session. Again i know i shouldnt overthink it but maybe she wants some "space" as she has stated before. I also dont want her to feel rejected or that i dont care by me not initiating anything. But my "gut" is telling me more or less she seems to like to initiate. Damned if i do, damned if i dont is so accurate Max.

I think i might give it a few days see if she says anything and if not just send out a simple "hey how are you doing" kind of text. Does this sound reasonable?