Talking without being interrupted

[Cat21]

Whenever I attempt to have a discussion with my ubphd, he constantly and consistently interrupts me. I can rarely get two sentences out before he interjects, and even after I ask him (multiple times) to please let me finish my thought before responding, he continues to both interrupt me and talk over me. It is incredibly frustrating and, of course, leaves me feeling like we can rarely have a discussion where anything that I'm saying is actually heard. I've been re-reading some lessons and workshops, but can't find anything to address this. Thoughts?

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[vortex of confusion]

I have this problem too.

I have tried going silent. If he tries to start a conversation, I will give answers that are as simple as possible. When he tries to engage me, I try not to engage. When he asked me about it, I told him that I didn't feel comfortable talking to him because of his tendency to interrupt me, talk over me, or finish my thoughts for me.

There have been some recent threads on this topic. I think somebody suggested simply getting up and walking off.

I know how frustrating it feels to be cut off all the time.

[formflier]

Whenever I attempt to have a discussion with my ubphd, he constantly and consistently interrupts me. I can rarely get two sentences out before he interjects, and even after I ask him (multiple times) to please let me finish my thought before responding, he continues to both interrupt me and talk over me. It is incredibly frustrating and, of course, leaves me feeling like we can rarely have a discussion where anything that I'm saying is actually heard. I've been re-reading some lessons and workshops, but can't find anything to address this. Thoughts?

Offhand... .I don't remember it being addressed... .

I think the lessons would focus more on the content of what was said than how and when.

I'll try to review them again... .

Suggestions:  Bring it up outside and argument/discussion... .say that you would really like to take turns... .and you need respect.  Ask for permission to point this out.

If he says no... .there is bigger problem than interrupting... .don't argue... put it on him to explain.  "help me understand how me not being able to talk is ok... "

During the heat of the moment... .I suggest going silent... .being obvious about it.

give it a time or two... .

Then or 3rd or 4th interruption... disengage from conversation.  Evenly and politely say you will be back in 5 minutes and hope to have a two way conversation when you get back...

Then disengage for the day if it still continues.

This was issue I faced... .and still do to some extent.  I try to focus on if it is rudeness or something really bothering her.  Here is the thing... .if something is really bothering her... .best to let the interrupting battle lay... .focus on validation and working the issue.

Let us know how it goes...

[Cat21]

Thanks for the response. This happens whether we are arguing or not. Obviously, if it's an argument, it's much worse. But even a normal "hey- can we talk about what happened 2 weekends ago... ." gets the same results. I've definitely tried walking away... .many times. I've told him that I'd like the same respect I show him by waiting his turn to speak, but to no avail. I once heard him on the phone with his sister (they were arguing- she was interrupting him and speaking over him); he said "Please stop interrupting me and speaking over me. If you can't, we'll wait and have this convo another time." Word for word what I've said to him. So, clearly he realizes that it's not good; he just doesn't apply it when it comes to he and I.

[formflier]

 

OK... .first... .step back and take a look at the entire r/s.

Where does this issue rank in the grand scheme of things.

The vibe I'm getting is that things are in a better place for you guys.  Correct?

Then... .prioritize what you would like to accomplish in the r/s.

Now... that doesn't mean that is the order you will do them... .but it is important to get your desires and values lined up first.

Some things may be more important to you... .but not possible right now... .for various reasons.

So... .very important to work on what is possible.  Otherwise... .it's a waste of time and energy.

Interrupting:  In a time when things are good... .what happens if you ask him about it?

What happens if you say... .I want to work on r/s... .would you rather go to T... .or would you rather stop interrupting me.

In other words... .if he will go to MC... .you might be more gentle about it... .let the T guide you on how to deal with this.

If he can't muster the effort to go to MC with you... .you can't muster the effort to be interrupted any more. 

Interruption equals walk away... .convo over.  If you wanted to really go after it... .convo is over and subject is over for a week... .or some period of time... .

Thoughts?

[meerkat1]

Cat21 -

I too am finding it impossible to have a conversation with my wife. I usually can't get more than a couple words out of my mouth before she interrupts. The way she behaves pretty much tells me she is not listening to a word I say, nor does she care how I feel, think, my opinion, anything really. I have tried the silent treatment/disengaging; does not help. I have tried the getting up and leaving and 'I will be back in 5 minutes'; makes it worse. I have tried to politely ask her not to interrupt, I can't even get that out before she interrupts.

If I even politely say umm hmm, I see, I hear you, I understand, really anything to acknowledge that I hear her, she takes that as me interrupting her. Makes her more angry.

I have not found anything that helps.

If I am quiet while she rants and rages at me, I am accused of not talking about the issues. If I talk, I am interrupted. I usually can't keep up with all the stuff she says. It spews out of her mouth so fast I have no idea what she is even talking about most of the time.

She will ask about 10 questions every 5 seconds. None of which I have a chance to even respond or discuss.

If I try to discuss when in a good mood, one of 2 things happens. 1. She will acknowledge it, interrupt me some more, and tell me it is my fault. 2. She will use it against me in the next 30 arguments.

Actually, I take that back. Both of those happen every time I have ever tried to bring it up. And also, she will get mad that I did not bring up what ever issue she was having. And that I wasted her time discussing something that was my problem, not hers.


The only way I have found to communicate with her, without all the interruptions, is texting. It is by no means a good way to communicate, but the only way I can say things or frankly even to respond to what she is saying or accusing me of today.

[Cat21]

OK... .first... .step back and take a look at the entire r/s.

Where does this issue rank in the grand scheme of things.

The vibe I'm getting is that things are in a better place for you guys.  Correct?

Then... .prioritize what you would like to accomplish in the r/s.

Now... that doesn't mean that is the order you will do them... .but it is important to get your desires and values lined up first.

Some things may be more important to you... .but not possible right now... .for various reasons.

So... .very important to work on what is possible.  Otherwise... .it's a waste of time and energy.

Interrupting:  In a time when things are good... .what happens if you ask him about it?

What happens if you say... .I want to work on r/s... .would you rather go to T... .or would you rather stop interrupting me.

In other words... .if he will go to MC... .you might be more gentle about it... .let the T guide you on how to deal with this.

If he can't muster the effort to go to MC with you... .you can't muster the effort to be interrupted any more. 

Interruption equals walk away... .convo over.  If you wanted to really go after it... .convo is over and subject is over for a week... .or some period of time... .

Thoughts?

Thanks, Formflier (and meerkat!). Yes, things on the whole are going better; but this weekend, it was derailed and now I'm feeling a bit like I'm back to the starting line. In terms of where this (feeling like I'm not heard and am constantly interrupted) ranks in importance is pretty high. It's difficult for me to feel like I'm being heard or considered when I'm railroaded. Occasionally, after a big fight (a few days after the fight), he will listen to what I have to say without jumping in quickly IF (and only if) I apologize first. So, what I say is, "I'm sorry we both got upset and for my role in escalating the situation." He usually apologizes for the same and that is a way in to discuss what happens. It doesn't work all of the time, but occasionally, it has worked.

He has always interrupted me since the beginning of our relationship. I used to yell right back and over him- now I don't do that anymore. I've tried leaving, I've tried staying quiet and letting him talk at me, I've tried changing the subject etc., etc... .it never really changes (with the exception of what I described above.) I'm close to asking him to see a T together; I just feel if I say something like "would you rather stop interrupting me or go to a T?", he'll take that as a threat. But, I think it's worth a try. For now, I'll try walking away every time and see what happens.

[formflier]

He has always interrupted me since the beginning of our relationship. 

I would consider for a few days giving him an either or... .

I'm backing off my recommendation a bit after seeing the above.

Changing things that have always been there... .is much harder than changing something that has recently started to be a bad pattern.

It is likely that he has done this long before he met you... .

So... not saying it can't change... .but realize that it is hard... .and I think that getting momentum going in other areas of your r/s is more important than focusing on something that could be really... .really hard... .and sounds like it is not your #1 priority.

Here is my take... .#1 priority for you... .IMO... .is to get in some kind of MC.  Don't be shocked if first situation is not a great fit... .

This is coming from a guy that has been through 5-6 of the past 4-5 years.  You have the bonus of knowing about BPD traits before going... .so someone that does DBT and/or high conflict couples... is a must.

MC will focus on communication a lot.  That used to... .and still does to some extent... .piss my wife off.  She just wants to focus on her problem of the moment... .rather than the structure.  In my world... .if you can't communicate... .your r/s has no chance.  No hope of solving problems... .which is why communication was my number 1 issue.

For my wife... .her number 1 issue was the crisis of the moment... .some lady that I was supposedly having a child with or some other drama (accusation)... .

[Indyan]

I know how frustrating it feels to be cut off all the time.

For me it's worse. He interrupts all the time AND ACCUSES ME OF DOING IT.

I hate this.

[Indyan]

The only way I have found to communicate with her, without all the interruptions, is texting. It is by no means a good way to communicate, but the only way I can say things or frankly even to respond to what she is saying or accusing me of today.

I thought that too but now he's told me that "he won't bother reading my bullshxt anymore" 

[maxsterling]

I know how frustrating this is.  She even interrupts in T sessions.  My natural reaction seems to be to simply quit talking to her because her response is typically negative or invalidating.  That doesn't work for me in the long run, because she then accuses me of being antisocial or that she is bored with me. 

An approach that may work is to let your pwBPD know what you want from them before beginning the conversation.  Let it be known beforehand that you need someone to listen and not comment or advise.  Perhaps many of the cases the pwBPD thinks you want their advice, when that usually isn't the case. 

[Indyan]

Perhaps many of the cases the pwBPD thinks you want their advice, when that usually isn't the case. 

"their advice" that's a nice way to put it 

[Cat21]

I know how frustrating this is.  She even interrupts in T sessions.  My natural reaction seems to be to simply quit talking to her because her response is typically negative or invalidating.  That doesn't work for me in the long run, because she then accuses me of being antisocial or that she is bored with me. 

An approach that may work is to let your pwBPD know what you want from them before beginning the conversation.  Let it be known beforehand that you need someone to listen and not comment or advise.  Perhaps many of the cases the pwBPD thinks you want their advice, when that usually isn't the case. 

Yes, I've tried this, too. I'm always very clear about what I'd like to achieve. 95% of the time, he interrupts anyway. Funnily enough, he has told me that he thinks he and I are very similar in our listening skills. When I asked him what he means, he said, "You always tell me that you want me to just listen and not jump in and give you advice. But you do the same thing- you never listen to me; you always just tell me what to do. We are both stubborn in this way." And, as you probably guessed, that's not at all how it is.