180 degree shift in one week.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last Monday, we sat in T's office, with me hearing her list of doubts and complaints.  My family doesn't dress nice enough.  My mom chews with her mouth open.  My family won't reach out to her.  I'm too anti-social  .  I'm too messy. I will be a bad father because I have bad table manners.

Once again, last weekend was spent mostly me helping her with things that she could probably do herself.  But she slowly got back into the wedding planning mode.  Last week she was all doubts and I was feeling like the r/s was inevitably over whether I liked it or not.  And now it was like that never happened. 

Last night she couldn't sleep.  She said she got up at 3am. She woke me up just before 7 because she couldn't wait to tell me all of her great wedding ideas she had been pondering the previous few hours.  And many of them were great.  And she said, "maybe I should reach out to your mom and sister and sister in law for help."  I've been wanting them to reach out to me, but maybe it is my responsibility to reach out to them  .  Yep.  Exactly what I tried to tell her.  That if she needs or wants help from my family, she needs to talk to them.  That's the way my family is.  So when my parents said "ask us if you need any help", they meant exactly that.

I'm certainly excited for her renewed enthusiasm, but I'm also confused and exhausted to see such a turnaround in such a short period of time, knowing that it likely won't last.

[maxsterling]

Last Monday, we sat in T's office, with me hearing her list of doubts and complaints.  My family doesn't dress nice enough.  My mom chews with her mouth open.  My family won't reach out to her.  I'm too anti-social  .  I'm too messy. I will be a bad father because I have bad table manners.

Once again, last weekend was spent mostly me helping her with things that she could probably do herself.  But she slowly got back into the wedding planning mode.  Last week she was all doubts and I was feeling like the r/s was inevitably over whether I liked it or not.  And now it was like that never happened. 

Last night she couldn't sleep.  She said she got up at 3am. She woke me up just before 7 because she couldn't wait to tell me all of her great wedding ideas she had been pondering the previous few hours.  And many of them were great.  And she said, "maybe I should reach out to your mom and sister and sister in law for help."  I've been wanting them to reach out to me, but maybe it is my responsibility to reach out to them  .  Yep.  Exactly what I tried to tell her.  That if she needs or wants help from my family, she needs to talk to them.  That's the way my family is.  So when my parents said "ask us if you need any help", they meant exactly that.

I'm certainly excited for her renewed enthusiasm, but I'm also confused and exhausted to see such a turnaround in such a short period of time, knowing that it likely won't last.

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[MissyM]

I'm certainly excited for her renewed enthusiasm, but I'm also confused and exhausted to see such a turnaround in such a short period of time, knowing that it likely won't last.

It is so confusing, enjoy the up.  Hard to when you know the other shoe will drop but I am getting better at not going on the roller coaster, just trying to stay in the middle.  My dBPDh has a hard time living in the middle but I feel so much saner when I do.

[maxsterling]

Honestly, I think a lot of this has to do with the antidepressants she is on.  There is plenty going on in her life that would have left her in pieces a year ago.  But, even though she claims to be really depressed, and acts it, she is weathering the storm and practicing some healthier coping mechanisms.  Example - she is nervous about the job thing, and she dove into the wedding planning instead of other unhealthy coping mechanisms - such as binge eating.  10 years ago she may have turned to drugs or cutting. 

[MissyM]

Honestly, I think a lot of this has to do with the antidepressants she is on. 

  Oh, I feel for you on that.  My dBPDh is going through a medication change and it has been hard on him (and the rest of us).  I can start to see a little bit of improvement but he isn't at the full dose, yet.  He doesn't want to add in Abilify but the doctor really wants to try that.

[nightmoves]

Max... .

I read your posts - and I keep WANTING to see something so I can write a positive and encouraging comment.

But man... .the 180 thing that you have detailed... .it is PAINFUL to read.

Painful - because I have gone through that for many years.

It will NEVER get any easier. It will absolutely get more prevalent and pronounced.

You will NEVER see it coming.

You life will NEVER be predictable.

(big one to repeat)

You life will NEVER be predictable.


I cannot even begin to tell you how much of a toll  -JUSTTHIS... .component will take on you.

Try to grasp how it will feel to go to bed... .in a good mood and plan the day... .only to awake and she is furious... .(no reason given as to why)... .and the new day is asunder.

Go to work... .fury by text... .by phone... .

come home ... .180 degrees again... .talking long term plans... .

And think what that would be like for weeks... .months... .

I KNOW you love this woman (I assume I guess)... .

I KNOW you are doing a good job struggling to try and give meaning ... .to these 180's.

And I KNOW - you want desperately to think she is OK... .and this will all stop.

But take it from a guy who DID just that... .

They will not stop... .

[sweetheart]

When I read your post maxsterling it brought a smile to my face. These inconsistencies can be crazy-making alright. I suppose though if we are choosing to stay with someone who has BPD, knowing theses shifts and contradictions will occur might make acceptance of the disorders contrariness easier.

I hope you feel able to enjoy this with your fiancée.

[walksoftly]

I like Nightmoves and Sweethearts responses -  a full range of comments!

In the beginning when I was with my BPD partner we would have a great night together and in the morning she would start on this verbal abuse ahile she elbowed me in the ribs. I had no idea what was going on. It was absolutely crazy. It was a constant battle with this woman.

[Indyan]

Max,

I'm sorry but there's something I don't get. Your status shows "undecided" but you're planning a wedding?

I really don't mean to make you feel guilty, for I really know how crazy our relationships with pwBPD can be. But we all need a little reminding that it is INDEED CRAZY every now and then.

I mean... . planning a wedding when you're not sure it's a good idea? Or rather feeling it's the best idea in the world and then the worst one and then the best again and so on... .?

I don't know your story but isn't there a way to postpone the wedding? When is it due?

[LilHurt420]

One thing I've learned is to take what they say in situations like this with a grain of salt.  While you're rejoicing inside that she's made a complete 180 and is seeing things the way you'd like her too, it likely will not last.

This has been something that is so hard for me to deal with.  It makes me feel like I can't trust my husband at all.  While he often has good ideas and talks about all these plans and things for the future, I always know that none of it will actually happen and he'll change his mind and go back to the other way of thinking eventually.

It's tiring... .but gets easier to navigate with time.

[maxsterling]

Sorry, Indyan, simply have neglected to update my profile  :'(

Some interesting things - I spent the whole day yesterday until late last night on an office trip.  She had her hearing with her school administrators regarding her job status.  And she was able to handle that, by herself, with me gone.  To be fair, she did call me up crying afterwards, but I told her I was driving and would be home in two hours, and she respected that, and had calmed down by the time I got home. 

Just one incident from the other night - she was all excited about the wedding again, and excited about our upcoming trip to NY.  She then remarked, "maybe we should get married in NY!" (meaning elope during our vacation).  My reply was probably invalidating, "I want to get married here, in the garden, like we planned."  She was mad for awhile, claiming that I only care about here and don't care about places that are special to her.  I decided to completely not engage in that, and she sat and dealt with it on her own.  She obviously saw my reply as invalidating, but completely clueless that her original statement was also invalidating.

[meerkat1]

Max, Max, Max... .

Wow I go back 20+ years and the exact same thing happened to me. She had doubts about wedding. But then kept pushing forward. She wanted the wedding at a certain time, but it was not working out exactly like she wanted. Then all of a sudden... .'let's just elope in Vegas'. We discussed, and eventually went back to the plans we were making. I still hear about it today. How it was not what she wanted, she felt manipulated and on and on.

Max, It never ends.

Please please please know what you are getting yourself into.

[maxsterling]

thanks, meerkat.  I think I know what I am getting myself into, so I don't think I am going into this blind.  I do recognize this is a very difficult relationship (about as difficult as it can get), that I am dealing with someone with a very serious mental illness, but feel like I want to take the chance here of making things work.  While she still shows all the BPD symptoms, the good still feels like it outweighs the bad.

[Indyan]

the good still feels like it outweighs the bad.

That's not exactly the point if you let me say so.

The problem is there is a lot of good but LOADS OF BAD TOO.

And, after some time, it gets really hard to deal with it, especially when kids are involved.

[meerkat1]

Good point. There are good times.

At first the good did outweigh the bad. After not too long, I don't know when for sure, the bad starts to overtake.

It is like the pwBPD keeps building it up over time. Taking tabs of all the things that support how they feel. Throwing away everything that does not support how they feel. After a while, that is all there is. And there is nothing left of you.

[MissyM]

And, after some time, it gets really hard to deal with it, especially when kids are involved.

Amen to that!  My dBPDh was somewhat manageable until we had kids, that is when all of his addictions escalated and his behavior became extremely erratic.  I realize that having children triggered all of his unresolved childhood trauma but it is unfair to the children.

[Indyan]

I realize that having children triggered all of his unresolved childhood trauma but it is unfair to the children.

I feel this is probably what's happened here, but it's hard to tell since I got pregnant 6 months into the r/s (we were friends before, I knew his previous r/s was chaotic but no idea how bad).

What's sure is that things started to get REALLY crazy after the birth, he told me he was panicked about me leaving. I managed to reassure him for a while until... .BANG! It escalated to paranoia.

IMO, committing to swBPD who does not admit of having a problem and willing to "heal" is very risky.

Yes, we all love or loved deeply our BPDso, but this doesn't mean that we can't see things the way they are.

[Indyan]

about as difficult as it can get

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but it can get a lot worse.

It's part of the disorder, to create chaos.

The more at stake, the more potential chaos, as simple as that.

You're already living the pre-marital chaos "I want to marry, I don't want to marry, I agree with this, I want something else". Then it will have to be "I want to divorce", "I want to stay with you all my life".

When there's a house and kids, there's a lot more to be "playing" (subconsciously maybe) with.

Your decision is about you, but not only. It's about your future children too. You do want kids together, don't you?

It is like the pwBPD keeps building it up over time. Taking tabs of all the things that support how they feel. Throwing away everything that does not support how they feel. After a while, that is all there is. And there is nothing left of you.

:'( :'(

[maxsterling]

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone. 

I don't think I would still be in this game if I didn't see progress.  And I do see progress, just SLOOW.  And yes, having children is part of the goal.  A goal I am willing to let go of if I don't think the child will have a healthy environment.  Not sure if she can let go of that goal, but she is working towards is now.

[MissyM]

 

A goal I am willing to let go of if I don't think the child will have a healthy environment.  Not sure if she can let go of that goal, but she is working towards is now.

I have a girlfriend that is a mostly recovered BPD, she chose not to have children.  She wanted to but realized that she would just not be able to parent in a healthy manner, children can't comprehend the dips and turns of BPD the way adults can.  Really, just be careful on that.  They can be in a good place and having children triggers them.  I totally support staying with a BPD that is working on themselves, I just always have an exit plan (not that I share that with my dBPDh).

[Indyan]

I just always have an exit plan (not that I share that with my dBPDh).