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Caretaking - What is it all about?
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Author Topic: Scores a 9 in BPD criteria, no insight, no success in past therapy.  (Read 459 times)
sweetheart
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
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« on: September 29, 2014, 12:02:59 PM »

Hello all,

I know this is the Staying Board, but I am beginning to realise that in extricating myself from the care-taking role, being more aware of my part in our past dysfunction, that this is starting to majorly trigger my dBPDh. I am becoming his trigger

We've had a hellish 18 months because he was triggered by a whole range of life events but chose to self- medicate with OTC codeine. This brought to our lives a kind of chaos I didn't know existed, anyway since discharge from hospital OTC use has stopped and life is more manageable.

The problem is I have changed, I am different and have stopped engaging in his rants and projections, in essence I have stopped trying to make him better.

I know he is aware I am different, and he is trying v v hard to bait me, with a significant extinction burst this afternoon. I left for the school run, things are far from normal, he has locked himself in the bedroom. I have left him to it.

In changing how I behave, I haven't been unkind, or invalidating I don't think, this is new territory for me and we have a s6 who I have to safeguard as my priority.

I don't really know how to handle this, in that my change is triggering him, I can't allow it to escalate because of our son, but I don't want to backtrack and undo what I am doing.

I know my dBPDh will escalate this to overdosing or something even more serious and if I'm being honest I feel afraid, he will push this as far as he can.

Any advice would be great.

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MissyM
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« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2014, 12:05:40 PM »

What I say with anyone dealing with addiction, head to an alanon meeting.  You will get support in not enabling.
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sweetheart
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« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2014, 12:14:06 PM »

Thanks MissyM, ironically I have no problem with not enabling the addiction, I had 1-1 support from an addiction counsellor whilst he was in the throws of self-medicating, it's the reality of his BPD diagnosis and how he acts out that is bothering me now.
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MissyM
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« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2014, 12:34:50 PM »

The enabling of behavior is the same, alanon helps me in recognizing and not enabling inappropriate behavior.  I found a really good group, it really seems different group to group  There are a few other people in there dealing with personality disorders.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2014, 03:25:48 PM »

I will second that alanon suggestion.  It helps me feel more calm just talking/sharing with other people who have been through similar.  My fiancé has not been an active drug/alcohol addict since I met her.  And if she relapsed, I think I could easily draw the line there.  But in other areas of life, the is a fuzzy line between enabling and helping.  I see it like this:  If you are doing something you don't enjoy doing, that you in no way benefit from, and is something a reasonable adult can do for him/herself, you are probably enabling.  I know I do plenty of that.  But many of the things that my fiancé may claim as "co-dependent" I am really doing for myself - such cleaning up the dishes.  Cleaning up her dishes in a way enables her to continue being messy.  But I can't cook for myself in a filthy kitchen, and I may leave her dishes out for days and she won't put them in the dishwasher.  I've tried leaving them out for her to do (as she asks), but she won't touch them or do the dishes really half-assed.  Yet when I start emptying the dishwasher, she gets mad at me for doing something that she claimed she would do - she claims I am then treating her like a child.

My point - it's a fine line, and don't let yourself feel too bad about taking care of your needs in the face of his complaints.  Ultimately he is responsible for himself.  Dealing with BPD behavior is extremely exhausting and frustrating.  I dealt with suicidal language/ideation almost every day for 9 months.  It was very difficult in the face of that to keep on with my own needs.

My advice is do what you can to take care of you and your son, and whatever he does you deal with when it happens.
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sweetheart
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Posts: 1235



« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2014, 06:46:07 AM »

Hi all,

Back down to earth, after trying to sidestep some serious verbal dysregulation from my husband. I am unable to validate him when he is so 'in it' - today I was able to go to him and validate how awful he was feeling yesterday, and it turns out that he has some serious FOO issues that have been triggered by a chance meeting with his sister. He's been carrying this around for a couple of weeks and I know from past experiences his FOO stuff leaves him feeling extremely vulnerable, which is not a feeling that sits well with him. I was able to listen to myself validate to day and I don't sound so awkward  Smiling (click to insert in post) and it had the desired outcome as my husband felt heard.

My s6 told me this morning that daddy took him to one side last night and told him that when he is acting weird that it is never anything to do with my him and he hopes he never thinks it is.   I was v surprised by this and I know that meant a great deal to our son.

It is hard knowing that he all out refuses to work with a T, I don't address this issue with him as it is a trigger.

I am going to continue having clearer boundaries it feels a scary because I know it could end our marriage.

I believed for a long time that I couldn't say how I felt and air my wants because these became triggers, they still are and I am still finding space and courage to say them.

The book recommended on here 'Stop Caretaking Borderline/Narcississt in Your Life' has really helped me. I find myself rehearsing little scenarios that are for my benefit, when everything I used to say was for my husbands benefit.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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sweetheart
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Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2014, 04:59:36 AM »

Hello all,

I think I'm writing this more for myself, like a blog  Smiling (click to insert in post) and also it's important for me to tell others that continuity and consistency really can work.

waverider started another thread about reaction and counter-reaction and so on, I had no idea that I was able to stop this process and I mean halt it in its tracks.

My previous post said yesterday morning was fine, it was, my dBPDh went out for a walk so I took the opportunity to clean our bedroom. It has become something of a man-cave Smiling (click to insert in post) I can concede this as the rest of the house is pretty and flowery and he never complains. I am mindful though when I clean and tidy I don't touch his belongings he finds this invalidating and it triggers him.

Well I came back from the school run and it was evident that he was triggered... .he left his slippers in the hall so brought the up to him, big mistake Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) the slippers became the vehicle to attach the rant to. I gave him 5 mins to see if it was rescuable, it wasn't. So I excused myself saying I had to sort s6. Ranting continued but at low volume for ages. He then starts smoking out the window which means I then enforce my boundary not to sleep in bedroom. I told him I would do this when he first started doing this, I now just act on it. When I don't engage in the rant he engages in lots of escalating passive aggressive behaviours like smoking, pulling the bed across the door ( because I have made him feel vulnerable and he then thinks I will hurt him in some way ! ) ,ignoring, preparing food then throwing it in the bin. I used to make attempts at de escalating all these behaviours and trying to soothe him. Now I say nothing ( it's still v hard though, so I imagine that my feet are planted firmly on the ground and imagine them sprouting roots and anchoring me to the spot and giving me strength to stand strong and quiet like trees do. Who knew ?   Smiling (click to insert in post) )

For me what happened next is most significant. My husband then came downstairs about 10pm and asked if we could talk ( he never does this ) so I turned off tv and listened. Blame starts straight away, with lots of splitting about FOO with me split black. He talks about me making him feel vulnerable by tidying etc, so I validate his vulnerability and say I understand that all his FOO stuff his making him feel v insecure and unsafe. He then wants me to defend myself about some accusations his FOO have made about me, I say I don't want to discuss the situation regarding his family, and I gently repeat the same sentence each time he tries again ( all the time thinking about my feet with roots because what I want to do is vehemently defend myself, phone his sister and swear down the phone at her!) - as I repeat my sentence my husband is starting to go back upstairs and I add for him to remember when he smokes out the window I will sleep downstairs. He then spends the next two hours opening and shutting drawers and turning the light on and off, I go to sleep.

This morning we all up at same time, I say good morning, husband pretty much at baseline. I do school run return home, and MY HUSBAND APOLOGISED FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR HE NEVER EVER APOLOGISES! He then went on to talk about how vulnerable, unsafe and insecure he feels at the moment, easy to validate this. He then said me cleaning invalidated his feelings because he had already tidied under the bed for me for me in the morning. Smiling (click to insert in post)

We have been backward and forward with this since the weekend, and what's different for me is that I don't feel stressed. What's different for him is that he didn't escalate up and up to all out dysregulation. He is not self-medicating, drinking, shouting and swearing, but is starting to self-soothe just a little. I really really did not believe that was possible, mainly because I was so firmly entrenched in care taking him to within an inch of his life and reacting to every rant he never had the opportunity to try.

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Haye
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« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2014, 05:12:41 AM »

I'd like to just say that you are not writing this only to yourself, i'm reading this (as i suppose many others are), i'd like to comment something but i just don't have anything valuable to add. Progress is slow but there is progress like apologizing for his behaviour so you are doing something very right.
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Indyan
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Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2014, 05:12:49 AM »

all the time thinking about my feet with roots because what I want to do is vehemently defend myself, phone his sister and swear down the phone at her!

Oh God, same here! His sister aaaaaaaaah!  

This morning we all up at same time, I say good morning, husband pretty much at baseline. I do school run return home, and MY HUSBAND APOLOGISED FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR

That's a good start, well done!

We have been backward and forward with this since the weekend, and what's different for me is that I don't feel stressed. What's different for him is that he didn't escalate up and up to all out dysregulation.

Yes, I think it's THEIR responsability to manage, not ours.  We reach a stage (same here) where we're so tired of caring, explaining (I now, no JADEing), that we just don't react anymore, as it's totally pointless. And that works!

I do think seeing a T is necessary though.

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sweetheart
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Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2014, 06:10:31 AM »

Thanks Indyan and Haye, I read my first post on the thread and I was feeling scared that the extinction bursts would continue. They didn't, but of course they might return. It was heard to fight against that fear and not catastrophise everything in advance of it happening.

Indyan I believe that without a T for me I would be floundering with the issues it brings up for me. I'm not convinced that a pw BPD has to have a T, but mine is actively engaged with his P and his social worker, is taking his meds not using extra meds and seems to b taking a few tiny steps toward self-soothing. That's enough for me for now.

Just made fairy cakes and had a neat chat with my husband about time travel. First normal for us conversation for quite sometime. I'll enjoy this moment and a fairy cake and a cup,of tea.

I hope you are ok Indyan I've been following you in legal and family, you are v brave, the advice is fab over there ( it is here too ) but you know what I mean 
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Indyan
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« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2014, 09:41:14 AM »

I hope you are ok Indyan I've been following you in legal and family, you are v brave, the advice is fab over there ( it is here too ) but you know what I mean  

Thanks  

I'm feeling better as for the last 3 days, he hasn't sent me any unpleasant text messages. What a relief!

I'm just having a good time with my kids and wondering what to expect in MC on Saturday.

I'm not sure I'm brave though, I think I'm more really FED UP than brave
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