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Author Topic: He Just Found Out About my BPD Research and It's Bad Luck City  (Read 502 times)
Sylvia76

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« on: September 29, 2014, 04:20:46 PM »

In my effort to find out more of what I'm dealing with I researched BPD (he has not been formally diagnosed), the silent treatment, etc.

I have also started seeing a therapist so I could learn how to manage my feelings when I'm getting the silent treatment for days on end.  One of the exercises she suggested to was to make out a "CONS" list when he's not speaking to me or treating me badly about what he does that hurts or bothers me and then revisit the list when things are good so I can really determine how important these issues are to me.  Her thoughts were that everything seems awful when he cuts me off but if I look at those feelings when things are good they don't all seem so terrible.

Well, we're in the process of moving and I threw out some of my old notes... .he went through the trash and found them so I get the feeling I'm in HUGE trouble since he hasn't spoken to me all day.

How do I address this with him?

I partially feel violated because he read something that didn't concern him and now I have to explain my coping mechanisms but he just gets to be angry and not speak to me and treat me like a child.

I will also add some of the notes covered characteristics and tools for how to cope with the silent treatment and it's for me to control my emotions instead of just having a verbal tirade about all the things that bother me.

How should I handle this when he does want to talk?

One of my major issues is that I don't get to express myself in the relationship and that he's very judgmental of me.

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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2014, 04:35:44 PM »

Well, I don't have any advice to offer, but I sure can sympathize with you. That just stinks. My uBPDh probably wouldn't look through things I'd written, but he does other really awful things that hurt me. It's so hard when the one person you should be able to trust, does things like this.

Just remember that YOU are not on trial, and that YOU are working on the relationship. I hope others have good advice for you. This is a tough one.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2014, 04:55:49 PM »

Sylvia,

My uBPDw has picked up my cell phone a few times where I had this site up on the browser. I understand where you are coming from. 

Still, I chose not to make a big deal about it, and she never mentioned it. If she had, I already have decided I won't JADE. I have been thinking a lot about how much living with pwBPD has affected me, and I am gaining conviction that I need to start living what I believe, not reacting to what my wife believes about me (or herself). I don't think that you should feel bad about learning how to work with your emotions and gain clarity on where you need to develop consistent boundaries based on the impact of his silent treatment or treating you badly and where you can just let things go. If he brings it up, you can empathize with him because clearly there is a part of you that can see how he might be angry or hurt by you doing this on your own without his knowledge. But your truth here is important, too. You have done this so that things can be better for you and for your RS. I would try SET once he is willing to talk, but only if he brings it up.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2014, 08:16:49 PM »

I partially feel violated because he read something that didn't concern him and now I have to explain my coping mechanisms but he just gets to be angry and not speak to me and treat me like a child.

Please read up on JADE in the lessons... .and in other posts.

Take some time to think things through... and really think about why you feel you have to explain... .

I used to think this way... .so I totally empathize ... .but I also want to tell you that following the lessons has helped improve my r/s and my outlook on life immensely. 

I still will sometimes decide to explain things... .but it is now a choice.  I honestly don't feel like I have to. 

So... .for where you are at now... .probably best to draw a hard line and stop JADEing... .then as you gain more knowledge and experience... .you can make informed choices about when to validate... .when to explain... .when to just walk away...

Hang in there... .

Let us know what you think after reading up on the lessons again... .
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sweetheart
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« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2014, 06:59:49 AM »

Hello Sylvia76,

Remember that an explanation is not required. I'm sure your SO feels some kind of entitlement around being told what you are doing. I would try and weather the silent treatment as you have been successfully doing and step away from the need to explain.
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Sylvia76

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« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2014, 07:15:45 AM »

Thank you everyone for your support!

I concluded that I don't have anything to apologize for or explain away.  My methods of coping with his moods are MY methods and I do what I have to do to take care of myself and my daughter.

I knew it could go two ways: either he would be explosive about it or he would ignore it entirely and he chose the latter of the two.

I guess I was a little relieved but I was more disappointed that he would rather bury his head in the sand and "run" from things than have an adult conversation about it.

Just like he can't change how I cope with things I can't change how he copes with things, either, though I hope this gave him a bit of a wakeup.

He tends to act however he wants and assume everyone else just "deals" with it and this was an opportunity for him to maybe get some insight that it can't just be "walked off" all the time.
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Yaffle
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« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2014, 07:41:03 AM »

My girlfriend has found out about me looking into BPD too.  She goes through my phone and laptop browsing history and I'm pretty sure has installed spy software on my phone as she's got screen shots of whats app conversations and emails as well as text messages I deleted as soon as I'd sent them. 

She's told me that I'm only looking into it so I can slag her off to other people and get sympathy - plus don't forget I'm the one that's been dianosed with mental illness not her (I've been to a few group therapy sessions to try and help cope with her plus a few phone sessions indiviually). 

It's still worth it mind you - at least I can now let the abuse wash over me and I do know its her with the issues not me.  Some of the techniques for dealing with it may also bear fruit when I get to stdy it more.
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Sylvia76

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« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2014, 06:41:08 AM »

I'm also in a situation where he tells me that I'm the one who needs to see a therapist to deal with my "issues".

Admittedly I am far from perfect but the "issues" he speaks of stem from my confusion over the silent treatment and the times he lashes out with criticism but when I explain/defend myself he tells me "I'm not talking or listening to you" or "I have nothing to say to you" or "Just leave me alone".

It's endlessly frustrating and confusing that he lashes out but doesn't give me the courtesy of even listening to my side of things.

Because I want to talk about the issue(s) at hand he says I invade his space and that I need therapy in order to deal with my need to talk.

Fantastic.
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2014, 07:40:43 AM »

I'm also in a situation where he tells me that I'm the one who needs to see a therapist to deal with my "issues".

Admittedly I am far from perfect but the "issues" he speaks of stem from my confusion over the silent treatment and the times he lashes out with criticism but when I explain/defend myself he tells me "I'm not talking or listening to you" or "I have nothing to say to you" or "Just leave me alone".

It's endlessly frustrating and confusing that he lashes out but doesn't give me the courtesy of even listening to my side of things.

Because I want to talk about the issue(s) at hand he says I invade his space and that I need therapy in order to deal with my need to talk.

Fantastic.

I would encourage you to do this... .to focus on your issues and get stronger.  That will help all aspects of your r/s.  Yes it doesn't seem fair... .and is frustrating... .but it is a step in the right direction.

Encourage him to follow your lead... .
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Sylvia76

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« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2014, 08:14:14 AM »

I do speak with a therapist once a week via telephone (physical appointments are harder) and I want to be able to give him space and decrease the frequency of the silent treatment but it feels awfully one sided.

I want to be the best I can be for myself and my daughter and I wish we could have a dialogue about his side of things.

He has accepted that he is "moody" and does not want to take medication so it's going to have to be me doing the heavy lifting emotionally.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2014, 10:10:17 AM »

Hi Sylvia76.

First, I think you did rather well in not tying yourself in knots over your husband going through your notes. The conclusion that you reached was good self-care, self-growth.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Second, what formflier is saying is that, for as long as you choose to be in relationship with your husband, all that you can work on is your own responses or part of the equation. The thing that most of us do who have pwBPD in our lives is wish that they would do their share, address their part of the dynamic that develops, meet us in some (or any) way on a consistent basis to communicate with clarity and respect. But all of that wishing and the unconscious and conscious communication of those wishes simply increases/reinforces the distorted thinking of the pwBPD. So, the only thing that we are left with, if we choose to remain in relationship with pwBPD, is to change our part of the dynamic.

In that light, do focus on yourself, on your central values and what you need. These become the basis of your boundaries. And in developing these with clarity, consistency and if possible, compassion, they will help your pwBPD regulate some of his distorted thinking. And that reduces the conflict between you. If you view the silent treatment as isolating, shaming or otherwise unacceptable, and your core values are that you communicate respectfully, then work on developing boundaries around that.

It's so very hard not to react. Most of us came in with that background in our nature. But with this illness, reacting is usually the worst thing that we can do. 
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2014, 02:58:52 PM »

my uBPDh has also reacted negatively when he's found the book I downloaded on my phone about not being a care taker, and the notes I've high lighted and written about BPD, NPD, and abuse.  He goes from one extreme to the next though.  Each time I just remained calm.  It just depended on his mood each time he's found it.  One time he gave me the silent treatment, another time he said he saw this as me trying to fix things and knows he's hard to deal with (but also won't take medication) and thanked me for trying, and another time he took the passage I highlighted raged about it and how he doesn't do it and then did exactly that (it was about how BPD's keep you up disturbing your sleep going on and on about things).

It's hard to deal with when they barely admit they have any problems or refuse to take medication
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