Slowing the roller coaster down and staying on track

[waverider]

BPD is not just "bad episodes" it is there all the time, it just appears differently. the bad will come again, and regularly, you need to work on not making it worse than it need be and how to reduce how it affects you, rather than trying to make him better, which is what we all try to do at first.

The less you can take things personally the less you will react setting off the inevitable counter reacting leading to further escalation.

The important thing is to stay stable and consistent, dont get swept away in their highs, as the contrasting downturn will seem worse.

Living for today and letting any potential resentment wash is a must, but not easy to do.

Disengaging early before things get heated helps a lot, for both of you.

Most importantly dont argue with a pwBPD, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience

How do you resist the action>reaction>counter reaction>counter counter reaction>escalation cycle?

How do you stay centred and not swept off the median line by following alternating highs and lows?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

I am finally getting where I don't go on the roller coaster.  Being able to depersonalize his behavior has helped me immensely.  It has been a combination of things, a lot of therapy, EMDR and 12 step for my codependency.  I can step back from his insanity and realize that it is his, not mine.

[itgirl]

This is incredibly hard for me to do.  I have learned to somewhat not JADE all the time.  I still do it a lot but I'm getting there.  My personality is if there is an argument I want to sort it out now!  This off course sets of an argument that can last an hour plus. 

My partner left me on Saturday.  For the first time since the recycle she yelled I wish I never met you.  I packed an overnight bag and left the house.  30 minutes later she calls asks me to come back.  no fight.  Lovely time.

Next day same thing.  She breaks up with me in the morning and as I leave the house she phones me in 30 minutes to say she made lunch for me. 

Moral of my story is that she has proven to me twice that JADE doesn't help and the sooner I get out of there the better.  I do think its only because it takes me 5 minutes to regulate my emotions and it takes her not seeing or hearing me to calm herself down.

I make it worse every time but now I know better.  I don't think I should pack a bag each time but I should definitely get out of her face.

[waverider]

How do you avoid riding the highs so far that the fall is too extreme?

Do you find that when you follow their mood you can often be one step behind and hence out of sync, and does this invalidate however they feel now if you are still in the mode they have just left behind?

[ziniztar]

I noticed that when dBPDbf went out of his way to organize a picknick for me (1st time we saw each other in weeks), I saw it in a different light. Before I would label his charming behaviour as "oh that is nice, he is going out of his way for me, that must be love". Now I see that isn't love either. It's fear.

I recognize what is love and tenderness is better (listening to my point of view, doing stuff he knows I appreciate e.g. asking me how my day was, joint conflict resolution etc). I try to steer towards that, not towards the highs.

[waverider]

Being aware of the extremes does that tarnish the enjoyment of the "good" times?

Do you find that watching the swings objectively lessens your ability to bond, and puts you more on a dispassionate "carer" footing? A bit like watching over a child at the fun park rather than being on the ride with them yourself?

Does keeping your involvement on an even keel, whilst at the same time joining in, cause you confusion as to where your place is in the whole dynamics?

Are you taking care of you, or them, the most?

[waverider]

I noticed that when dBPDbf went out of his way to organize a picknick for me (1st time we saw each other in weeks), I saw it in a different light. Before I would label his charming behaviour as "oh that is nice, he is going out of his way for me, that must be love". Now I see that isn't love either. It's fear.

I recognize what is love and tenderness is better (listening to my point of view, doing stuff he knows I appreciate e.g. asking me how my day was, joint conflict resolution etc). I try to steer towards that, not towards the highs.

Dealing with BPD has completely changed my perspective on gift giving. Even my own gift giving. I have become more acutely aware that the best gifts to my kids is to listen to them, take them serious, give plenty of my time liberally laced with big hugs  (to the embarrassment of my 20 year old daughter). This is received much better than throwing money at them, which now almost feels dysfunctional

[formflier]

 

I am an "acts of service" guy for my love language.

I am able to view my "distance" or detachment from getting directly involved in the drama of the moment as a gift I can give her and the r/s.

That tends to limit the lows... .or the tendency to get off the rails... .which means we have more "normal" time to have regular conversation... .talk about things that matter to me... .which makes me feel much better about the r/s... .and me.

As the r/s goes better... .and I feel better about it... .I have more confidence in all areas of my life.

Good topic Waverider... .

[ziniztar]

Being aware of the extremes does that tarnish the enjoyment of the "good" times?

Do you find that watching the swings objectively lessens your ability to bond, and puts you more on a dispassionate "carer" footing? A bit like watching over a child at the fun park rather than being on the ride with them yourself?

Does keeping your involvement on an even keel, whilst at the same time joining in, cause you confusion as to where your place is in the whole dynamics?

Are you taking care of you, or them, the most?

I think there is a difference between the irrational highs ("everything I do with you is wonderful" and enjoying realistic highs. When they are his and not mine, I tend to be the caretaker one. When they are mine as well, because I enjoy the company, the evening, the intimacy, whatever we're doing for the right reasons... I'm in the moment as well.

Good questions.

I wish I had had you as a dad, waverider .

[sweetheart]

Being with someone who has BPD has changed my whole perspective on life. I thought I was a fairly grounded person before, and I now realise it is for me staying grounded emotionally and physically that are helping me slow things down when my husbands chaos starts. Last year I was so overwhelmed by the chaos that it quite literally swept me off my feet.

Waverider what you say about gift giving is something very important in my life too. My FOO patterns were to give as a means of love, communication and amelioration. I have struggled my whole life not to live this way, and it is a pattern I have recently broken with my husband and am in the process of teaching my s6.

Slowing things down for me also means living very much in the present, which is linked to mindfulness. I try to be present in each day, whereas before I met my husband I lived very much in the future. I feel that this is something he has gifted me and again this helps me regain my focus when I am caught up in wishing everything would just go away and it was tomorrow already, it brings me back to the task in hand and that is to step out of this moment of chaos.

[Indyan]

Being aware of the extremes does that tarnish the enjoyment of the "good" times?

Now, well, yes. This summer I had brief very high highs (romantic evening, gorgeous sex followed by a fantastic talk where he showed incredible insight), followed by very low lows (left me the next day to go back to his family, telling me my opinion didn't matter). That hurt me enormously. So, when he tried another "high" in September, I contributed, but a little voice in my head kept reminding me how fleeting all this was.



Do you find that watching the swings objectively lessens your ability to bond, and puts you more on a dispassionate "carer" footing? A bit like watching over a child at the fun park rather than being on the ride with them yourself? His moods have been shifting so wildly these last 3 months, that I can't help seeing ONLY the sick person in him now, unfortunately. I do hope that T will help him go back to "normal" so I can see the person behind again.



Does keeping your involvement on an even keel, whilst at the same time joining in, cause you confusion as to where your place is in the whole dynamics? My rules are relatively clear to me now: I join in when it's positive stuff (like today when he texted me about our MC), but I step back when it's nasty stuff (threats about custody or house).



Are you taking care of you, or them, the most? Now it's me. I refuse to take care of him anymore because he betrayed me this summer when he left for his family, telling them how horrible a person I was. His dad told me on the phone 2 days ago how sad BPD was, and I didn't answer. I'm not interested anymore. He's projected onto me ALL of his negative emotions: FEAR and PANIC (he used to freak out I'd run away with the kids and threatened me so much that I spent the summer fearing for my kids), SADNESS (when he had his family tell me our r/s was over), ANGER (when I found out all the rubbish he told everyone). So, in order to protect myself, I refuse to be informed of his moods.

[waverider]

Slowing things down for me also means living very much in the present, which is linked to mindfulness. I try to be present in each day, whereas before I met my husband I lived very much in the future. I feel that this is something he has gifted me and again this helps me regain my focus when I am caught up in wishing everything would just go away and it was tomorrow already, it brings me back to the task in hand and that is to step out of this moment of chaos.

Important point, living in the now with mindfulness. The lack of inconsistency means that if you live too much for the future you set yourself up for repeated disappointments as plans are cancelled repeatedly.

I think of it as living in the now with a whole bunch of flexible options ready to go in your back pocket for those times you are left "all dressed up and nowhere to go".

Stay out of the "pending" zone. It is a quagmire of festering resentment and you get stuck there, going nowhere and doing nothing.