Getting them to do something, so I can do it, too?

[meerkat1]

I have been in need of new glasses for quite a while. Probably going on at least a year maybe two. My wife with BPD, even longer. My dilemma is I can just go make an appointment for check up and get new glasses. However, if I do that she will have a fit, one that will last ... .well forever. I will never hear the end of how I could get glasses but she could not, and that I simply did not encourage her enough.

I have discussed her need with her several times now. It is the same story. One we have with going to doctor, dentist, therapist, even getting kids to those places.

I can discuss, we can even agree that she needs to go get new glasses, with check up. She hems and haws about where and when. No decision gets made, or sometimes it does. But then she does nothing. She wont call to make appointment. She wont bring it up again.

So i bring it up again. Same process. Nothing happens, nothing resolved. At some point down the road she berates me and belittles me for HER not being able to go. Tells me I am not encouraging her enough.

I have tried to encourage her in the past. Tell her she is strong. She can do it. I try to get her a script to make the call. Talk to her about practicing. Ask her to think about what the worst could happen. All of this, she still does nothing, and tells me I am not encouraging her.

To make it worse, after all that she tells me she feels like I don't care. Well I did, but at some point I actually don't care. I get tired of it. I move on. But then I have to live with her never ending rants and rages about it.

I feel like I am trying to lead a horse to water and trying to make it drink. And each time the horse kicks me in the head over and over again, while telling me how thirsty she is.

How the hell do you encourage someone like this to do anything? Maybe that will help her to go get help, too.

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[sweetheart]

Hello meerkat1,

There only two things we can change for sure, 100%, our own thoughts and our own  |iiiibehaviour. If someone posted this and you read it what would you think and what would your objective support/advice be for them?

I can hear that you have tried, cajoled, validated, discussed and still no new glasses for you or your wife!

meerkat make your appointment, get your new glasses, and maybe think about how you might want to respond to your wife when you have done this. Of course, it is not necessary to explain your reason for getting new glasses, no one has to explain themselves if they don't want to. How might you choose to deal with the situation if an issue arises once you have your glasses?

Remember you only have to be responsible for you and the choices that you want to make.

[meerkat1]

I forget who said it, or what book... .

"You can do anything you want to, as long as you are prepared to suffer the consequences"

I am not prepared to suffer the consequences.

So I know I can only control my behavior and my thoughts. In this case, I am trying to change my behavior. In the past, I would have given up and would have just gone and got new glasses. I am not willing to suffer for that. Therefore, something else needs to change.

I am looking at how I can change the way I can encourage, act, and react to these situations. They are pervasive in my life, and with pwBPD.

She won't go to the doctor, blames me.

She won't go to the dentist, blames me.

Won't reschedule kids dentist appt, blames me.

Won't go to eye dr., blames me.

She won't walk daughter to end of driveway to get on bus, blames me.

She won't even get the mail out of the f'ing mailbox, and blames me!

About two years ago, my wife found a part time job she wanted. She was very excited. I encouraged her to apply. She worked on her resume. I helped her as she asked. I had to encourage her to send in as she kept trying to perfect it. She got an interview scheduled. She was so excited, and I was very happy for her. The day of the interview I stayed home from work, as she requested, to help her out. She had a total meltdown. I kept up the encouragement, worked with her to calm down and get to the interview on time. The short of it, she got the job and still enjoys it today. Yet, somehow, in her mind, she should not have gone on the interview and she blames me for going. Brings it up about once a month, too.

The list of things could go on and on.

Somehow, someway, if anything in this relationship is to move forward. I have to find a way to get her to do something without it biting me in the ass.

[sweetheart]

meerkat1 it seems like you wife is blaming you no matter what. Whether you do the things or you don't. I can hear what you are saying and I can hear how frustrating it is for you. I have lived in the care taking role with my dBPDh for many years, and choosing to stay and then stepping out of this role feels very hard. Nothing though was as hard as living with the fear of doing something my husband wouldn't like, or might cause him to dysregulate.

I was thinking just a minute ago that another way of getting someone to do something is to model the appropriate behaviour, thus shaping the other persons perspective.

What I read in your response is that you are stuck because you are trying to change your wife's behaviour, you can't.

I'm hoping my response isn't coming across as harsh it's not meant to. I hope you find a way to move past this impasse.

[meerkat1]

You are right no matter what I do I get blamed.

As I recalled some more, during that job interview day meltdown she wanted me to take her to the emergency room. I was reluctant to do so. Thinking that if she goes to the emergency room, she will never get this interview back. It was something she really wanted to do. She would regret it and she would blame me for listening to her and NOT helping her calm down and encourage her to still go. Which I did. Funny thing, she came back from the interview like nothing had happened, never even thanked me for getting her calmed down enough to go, or how I kept encouraging her. She was really happy, too.

[sweetheart]

Meerkat1 I just looked at your intro etc and see you have 3 children. I wonder if you feel stuck with your wife could you model positive behaviours for your children? If one of your children needed glasses would you prevent them from getting some because this might upset your wife? They only have you as the parent to whom they look to for all their appropriate responses and behaviours in life. We have a s6, so it is not without awareness of this responsibility as the parent who is ok that I ask you this question.

I can hear that you are very much trapped in FOG, and that is what is keeping you stuck. Have a look at the links about FOG. I'm not very good with links, but I know it's there somewhere

[MissyM]

Ah, the blaming.  My dBPDh likes to blame me but I no longer accept the blame.  Today he was on a rant blaming me and I told him that I would be supportive but I will not accept blame for the way he feels.  I said I would talk to him when he could stop projecting his problems onto me.  We will see how that goes, fortunately we have therapy in the morning.

Right now we both need to go in and get hormones (we do pellet therapy) and I went ahead and made my apt for blood work.  Money is tight but I am not feeling well and will cut back in other areas.  He is angry because he thinks if I go, then he automatically can't go.  He can, we aren't broke but he has such fear of being penniless that he exaggerates our financial situation.  It is about his fear and I am not going to give into that.  He is impulsive with money, at times, and those are always rationalized away.  Yet, when there is a valid medical expense, he doesn't want to pay that.  I realize it comes from his fear.

[formflier]

You are right no matter what I do I get blamed.

 

So... .then why are you waiting to go to the doctor?  Just go.

You will get blamed either way... .at least this way you will have glasses.

As a general theory... .decide what you are going to do.  Invite the pwBPD to go... .if they go... great... .if not... .you go anyway.  Live you life... .don't wait on them to make a decision.

[meerkat1]

You are all correct! I am totally stuck in the FOG, a lot in the F part.

I am in constant fear of the next breakdown. When there is even a hint of one I start shaking, get light headed, nauseous, and other physical symptoms. I essentially am having my own nervous breakdown.

I really can't take it.

How do I model positive behaviors to the kids when I am having my own nervous breakdown from the fear of her rages?

Yesterday, I picked up my son from practice. As we pulled into the driveway he noticed my wife's car was gone. He said, 'good! mom is not home, I won't have to deal with her crap'.

This is f'ing killing me! I am at the breaking point. slammed into a brick wall.

[formflier]

You are all correct! I am totally stuck in the FOG, a lot in the F part.

I am in constant fear of the next breakdown. When there is even a hint of one I start shaking, get light headed, nauseous, and other physical symptoms. I essentially am having my own nervous breakdown.

I really can't take it.

How do I model positive behaviors to the kids when I am having my own nervous breakdown from the fear of her rages?

Yesterday, I picked up my son from practice. As we pulled into the driveway he noticed my wife's car was gone. He said, 'good! mom is not home, I won't have to deal with her crap'.

This is f'ing killing me! I am at the breaking point. slammed into a brick wall.

OK... .you are taking on more responsibility than you should... .and that is not leaving enough time to take care of you.  Which means you are not as effective as you should be... .which means that more messes get created... .which means you take on even more than you should... .which means you have even less time to take care of yourself... .keep repeating cycle...

I think you get the picture.

So... .until you can get a handle on your own reactions and stability... .don't worry about anyone elses... .hers... .or the kids.

When you get to an emotionally... .mentally... .stable place... .you have a good shot to use lessons and get good stuff done for your family and your r/s.

If you don't get some strength... .so staying power... .your chances are nowhere near as  good.

So... .what does the plan look like to get you health and strong... .?

[MissyM]

I'm in constant fear of the next breakdown. When there is even a hint of one I start shaking, get light headed, nauseous, and other physical symptoms. I essentially am having my own nervous breakdown.

Those are the kind of PTSD symptoms I was having, they are terrible!  I am so sorry you are having that.  I did EMDR with my therapist and it helped me immensely.