Anyone with young kids?

[LilHurt420]

How has growing up in a household with a BPD parent affected their behavior?

We have a 5yo.  He's always been very active and strong willed.  Last year he was in pre-k and was doing well in school, this year he's in kindergarten and is starting to exhibit some bad behavior.  Mostly not listening to his teachers, interrupting others when talking/sharing, always trying to be the center of attention, and contradicting his teacher in front of the class.

My husband just called me (he works at his school) to tell me how he just talked to his teacher about it all.  My husband also mentioned how he feels like this is all his fault for not setting clear examples.

I just listened to him, though I wanted to scream... .YES a lot of this is your fault because other than knowing he has parents who love him his entire life has been so non consistent!  From the time he was born till about 3 my husband (before we got married) was never around.  He would come home after work, shower and then leave not coming home until 5-6am and a lot of the time not coming home at all (cheating).  During that time my son and I developed our own routine.  Then my husband started staying home and we tried to work things out (this is when I figured out he had BPD being around him more).  Now his dad was home all the time, but he had to deal with seeing us constantly fighting.  One day he'd hear us screaming and yelling at each other... .the next day dad would be trying to make it up to me hugging and kissing me.  I know all this confused him.  That's now gone on for years!  The last year or so has been calmer, but mostly due to me just keeping my son away from it.  The fights/rages happen when he's a sleep so he doesn't know, but I know he can sense the change in behavior from me and my husband.

I can't help but feel right now... .what did I do?  Me staying with my husband and trying to help him has not helped my son. How can I expect good behavior from him when he sees his dad is allowed to act any way he wants and mom will still love him and give him what he wants.  A lot of the behavior I see in my son, is exactly how my husband is.  He will scream and cry when he doesn't get his way and then come to me later with a hug and a kiss saying I'm sorry and expecting everything to be ok and him just get whatever he wants.  It saddens me.  And now I'm pregnant with another son.  I can't let this happen again.

How has having  BPD parent affected your children? (or yourself if you have a BPD parent too)

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[Tired_Dad]

Lilhurt,

I have a very similar situation to yours and I know that there is a clear correlation to my 6yo son's behaivior and his mom's BPD. We went through a period of separation where by the end of it my son was spending 90% of his time with me outside of school 5% with other relatives and maybe 5% with his mother. She would often get into fights with him and I would have to pick him up because she couldn't deal with him and we would just go home and play together or just lay down on the couch and he would fall asleep if it was late in the day. His year in kindergarten was rough, he was very disruptive and had a very hard time. Now that he is in 1st grade my dBPDw has moved back home under some very clear conditions and he has been behaving better... .except when he is around her and isn't getting the attention that he wants. At that time he still throws fits and is generally a little S**t to her. I am often able to de-escalate them by talking to both of them, but often my wife will thoughtlessly stir it up again with sarcasm or insensitivity to our son. He went through a phase where he would scream at her, kick and punch her, and tell her that she isn't his mom or that he doesn't love her and to this day when just walking he will take my hand and often reject hers causing all sorts of issues.

I know that I cannot stop him from feeling anger at his mother. What I do try to do is to reinforce appropriate way for him to channel his anger, and how to express himself. I am definately not the huggy feely type as I am an Army veteran and a manufacturing supervisor I deal in saying things directly, clearly and respectfully as a way to communicate without confusion and I model that behavior with him.

The biggest hthing I can advise yfor you is to be consistent as possible with him. set up and maintain routines, give him as much stability that you can provide and try to shield him through scheduling the whirlwind that is the emotions of a BPD.

Good luck and take care.