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Author Topic: Well he finally broke NC  (Read 484 times)
hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: October 02, 2014, 10:34:14 PM »

So my exfiancee finally broke NC. He texted me out of the blue that he had received an email from me that he thought was a computer virus. I had a feeling he would text today. I don't know why but I just did. It was weird I told a friend "I think he will be at the bottom of his 'cycle' by now and I bet he texts today. No sooner then I had said it that my phone beeped and his text popped up. It was uncanny. I didn't respond and about 1 minute later he added a second text that said how strange it was that when he was in his worst, darkest place he heard from me. (Note to self I didn't email him so really he didn't actually hear from me.)

Now I love him. I want to believe in him. I want to believe that this relationship can be repaired and become healthy. But I have to admit I haven't responded because I don't feel strong enough to deal with him yet. I have started counselling with a psychologist that focuses on BPD. I have been reading and learning. But I just don't feel ready to face him.

Its weird how I desperately wanted to hear from him and now that I have I am avoiding responding. I am not even sure if I have a question here but I did want to write it out and share the experience with people who might understand.

I have contacted other people on my email list and asked if they have received any weird emails from me and they all said no. So who knows if he even got an email from me or not. I certainly didn't send one. Anyway it really doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is how I feel about the texts. I feel ... .not to much in truth. Just kind of numb and nervous and sad that this was a man who I texted with multiple times a day and now I can't even respond to once text he sends after months of NC. This is a man I wished over and over I could text and share moments in my life with and now that he is texting me I don't feel like responding. Its so strange.
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Indyan
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2014, 04:56:58 AM »

I'd think you needed to know he was thinking of you but are not feeling strong enough at the moment to support him. His message is dark, not a positive one. Something in you cannot respond to that.

His message is not a "normal" one, if u see what I mean. If he'd written for example "I'm sorry I did X and Y, I've been feeling down but I'm better now, I'd like to talk to you about things I've understood about myself, can we meet some time", I guess you'd have answered... .

I've been through that a lot, I know exactly how you feel.
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Moselle
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2014, 05:36:36 AM »

Hi Hope2727,

That's not unusual. The push/pull nature of BPD ends up leaving us with fleas  PD traits. ie we pick up the cues and behave the same way. Well done for picking it up. It means its not the natural you. How would the natural you in a comfortable headspace respond? Indyan makes a good point. If it was a friendly "Hey how are you?", you would probably have returned the conversation. Because we have been hurt by them, we can be on edge waiting for the sting in the tail. Why not live in the moment? Be neither overjoyed, nor hesitant. Do what you want to do in the moment.

My guess is he's having a strong feeling for you. Which is his fact. He's making up the email nonsense, but in his mind you did email him to show interest. His mind is saying "of course she wants you, she sent an email" It's typical. My BPD/NPDw does this with intimacy. Nothing happens until she wants something.  She used to have me well conditioned.  Not any more LOL.

Beware of the victim role, and FOG coming next. To make you out in a bad light. If it happens, just call it.

I know this is the hardest thing to do in the face of this crazy making - Just be you. 

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hope2727
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2014, 05:44:45 PM »

Thanks guys. I think if we had been an amicable parting I would just text back. But he was so cruel and I am so gun shy that at the moment I can't really cope with him. I have had a rough work week and lots of distressing news in other areas of my life so he will just have to tie a back seat for now. Its take care of me time.

I love him. I forgive him. He has behaved brutally toward me. If he wants to be a part of my life he will have to show me with his actions that he can be trusted again. I will not rise to the bait and just respond like a trained dog. I have a counselling apt tomorrow so perhaps that will provide insight. Meanwhile I am focused on me not him. He has to sort some stuff out on his own. I have to sort some stuff out on my own. Perhaps in time we can come together again healthier and better but not today.
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Indyan
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Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2014, 03:47:50 AM »

I love him. I forgive him. He has behaved brutally toward me. If he wants to be a part of my life he will have to show me with his actions that he can be trusted again. I will not rise to the bait and just respond like a trained dog. I have a counselling apt tomorrow so perhaps that will provide insight. Meanwhile I am focused on me not him. He has to sort some stuff out on his own. I have to sort some stuff out on my own. Perhaps in time we can come together again healthier and better but not today.

Exactly the same for me.
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hope2727
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« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2014, 01:33:14 PM »

Indyan

Thanks for your response. It is comforting to know someone else has had these experiences too.  I sure miss my best friend and lover but I sure haven't seen him in awhile. I am however starting to find myself again. Strange how that happens with time and distance.

The texts I received from him this week didn't request a response. They didn't admit any wrong doing or apology or attempt to repair the harm. So as far as I am concerned they are essentially a poke with out any substance. Its sad but I can't just repeat old patterns. I need to see improvement from both of us.
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Moselle
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2014, 02:51:14 PM »

Indyan

Thanks for your response. It is comforting to know someone else has had these experiences too.  I sure miss my best friend and lover but I sure haven't seen him in awhile. I am however starting to find myself again. Strange how that happens with time and distance.

The texts I received from him this week didn't request a response. They didn't admit any wrong doing or apology or attempt to repair the harm. So as far as I am concerned they are essentially a poke with out any substance. Its sad but I can't just repeat old patterns. I need to see improvement from both of us.

You have a great attitude Hope. You show great self-control and maturity in the way you approach this. If you're serious about perhaps making it up, I suggest you read a book called "stop to caretaking the BPD/NPD" by Fjeldstadt. It really about living our own lives regardless of what the BPD does or doesn't do.
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hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1210



« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2014, 04:25:13 PM »

Ok I shall put that one on the reading list. It seems like so much work just to have a decent relationship.
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hope2727
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Posts: 1210



« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2014, 09:41:58 AM »

So I had my dinner date with friends last night. Had a wonderful time. Their little boy gave me the most beautiful flowers and they gave me 2 bottles of lovely wine.  All this in thanks for dog sitting. But in truth I know that they worry about me.  They lived through a brutal divorce with me many years ago. They both tell me I am doing much better. The husband tells me my fiancee was lucky to have me. The wife wants to set me up with her brother in law if I ever feel like dating again (I don't). These are genuine, kind supportive people. I had a terrific time with them. We laughed and ate and shared plans. We even made another date to get dim sum together soon.

So why did I wake up crying. My pillow stained with tears. Why do I miss my fiancee so profoundly today after such a centred and peaceful week? I didn't think about him much this week. I smiled when I did think of him. I focused on myself and my therapy and my healing. I focused on the idea that he has to get well and come home not come home and get well if we are ever able to be together again. I felt grounded and ok. Today I feel sad and alone and like I would give anything to have him here.

I won't call or reach out. I know his cycle and he will be on an upswing and blaming me now until about the first of next month. No point in poking a bear so to speak. But I sure wish he would actually get his head in the game and commit to his counselling rather than just lying to the therapist like he lied to the last one. I have no proof of that of course but the things he has said and done make it pretty transparent that its exactly what he is doing. I am working so hard to be healthier and he is just pouting and withdrawing as usual. So frustrating.

Ok rant over. Thanks for listening. I know there isn't even a question there, its just the mash of whirling emotions that my therapist said I should acknowledge and honour. He said I am allowed to feel hurt and angry and everything else and that I was treated terribly and I am allowed to be mad about it. There is just no one out in the real world who understands so I wrote it out here. I have to head to work so I guess I'll just try to manage to get through one more day with the whirling emotions coming along for the ride. Have a great day all.
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Indyan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2014, 03:19:02 PM »

Yes, it's hard.

Sometimes I feel the real me, and I feel true joy with my kids. I look at my gorgeous baby, he smiles at me, and I feel blessed.

And sometimes I feel miserable, especially when I've seen PBDh, like last Saturday and he looks like the terminator: zero empathy, weird and freezing eyes, nasty comments.

There must be a reason for us to go through this living hell... .we'll grow stronger from it... .

 
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Moselle
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2014, 03:29:10 PM »

Yes, it's hard.

Sometimes I feel the real me, and I feel true joy with my kids. I look at my gorgeous baby, he smiles at me, and I feel blessed.

And sometimes I feel miserable, especially when I've seen PBDh, like last Saturday and he looks like the terminator: zero empathy, weird and freezing eyes, nasty comments.

There must be a reason for us to go through this living hell... .we'll grow stronger from it... .

 

Yeah, it's so we can meet great people on this site who we would never have met otherwise Smiling (click to insert in post). And we can inspire eachother. Enjoy your baby Indyan
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Indyan
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2014, 03:38:32 PM »

Yeah, it's so we can meet great people on this site who we would never have met otherwise Smiling (click to insert in post). And we can inspire eachother. Enjoy your baby Indyan

Thanks 

And you ARE inspirational indeed 
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hope2727
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1210



« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2014, 06:42:33 PM »

I wonder if I will ever meet someone who values me as much as I value myself and/or as much as I valued him?
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