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Author Topic: Changing my end of the cycle – lessons learnt  (Read 507 times)
ziniztar
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
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« on: October 03, 2014, 06:32:37 AM »

I’m in a period right now where I am trying to change my end of the conflict & codependant cycle. I’ve tried to do this in the past but I now realize I did it the wrong way. I’d like to share my point of view to maybe influence others that are trying to do the same thing.

Previous - Winning the battle but losing the war

Once I read a lot of material on this site about validation and the conflict cycle, I changed my response into a dBPDbf focused response that was validating to him but not to myself, not showing my real thoughts or emotions. That resulted in:



  • very good periods where I would feel somewhat annoyed for always doing it ‘his way’ and him being the center of attention, but happy about the quiet life and proud of myself of being able to manage the relationship as being the more capable one (   I am not solely responsible for the r/s!)


  • very bad times when all that passive aggressiveness would blurt out, feeling very sure about my rights to demand these things, but not getting them.




Now – picking my battles, on the road to win the war and a PR

Not always filtering my reactions anymore – sometimes I can just be me. Also: thinking about my response with myself as a starting point, secondly taking the r/s into account. Only thinking about myself will not get me into any type of good r/s so that’s not the answer either. This is now resulting in:



  • very icky-feeling, unsure communication


  • strange but nice moments of situations not escalating where they previously would have


  • a lot of insecurity about my new reactions, as I sometimes feel I am not sticking up for myself enough


  • less fear


  • a nice feeling of acknowledging my own needs  and taking care of myself


  • a sense of pride




The bold parts are annoying and I am still not sure whether this r/s is worth all the effort. Yet I’m putting the effort into me, and oh yeah – by association also into the r/s. I have to do the work either way, whether for this or in preparation of another r/s. A coach once told me that instead of walking down a path of new behavior, due to the BPD r/s I am now forced to run the marathon. Obviously that wears you out, and half way through you can think ‘why the hell did I do this, I could have been at home on the sofa with wine and cheese’. But that doesn’t get you into the size 6 dress or give you the sense of accomplishment and pride you are longing for.  

This morning he decided to go to work tonight instead of spending the night together, as we had planned. It was the first time I was only a little annoyed and disappointed, instead of fearful and raging mad. We were able to discuss it in a normal way, he was honest to me that he was avoiding being with me because he fears the ‘difficult convo’s’, and were able to come to an agreement he will come over for lunch tomorrow afternoon.

I liked it  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) . I think I have passed the milestone half, now I just need to keep running.  
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Cat21
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« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2014, 06:53:45 AM »

Thanks for the insight, ziniztar! I talked about something similar with my T yesterday, in terms of always filtering my reactions. I feel the same as you. I'm trying to let myself show my anger (a little bit) during times when it counts rather than always filter how I really feel. It's hard, but I think it will make me feel better overall. Thanks for the thoughts!
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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2014, 04:04:14 PM »

 

Zin,

Congrats on the insight.  Great post!  Keep them coming.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2014, 12:02:31 AM »

I read something a while back, and it sounds like you are living proof, ziniztar:

Excerpt
The fact that something feels uncomfortable is not necessarily a reason not to do it.



  • very icky-feeling, unsure communication


  • strange but nice moments of situations not escalating where they previously would have


  • a lot of insecurity about my new reactions, as I sometimes feel I am not sticking up for myself enough



Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It is great to hear about progress and successes like this. I've been seeing the empowered sounding version of you growing stronger as you made the transition you just described.
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sweetheart
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2014, 03:10:44 AM »

Hello ziniztar,

My relationship with my dBPDh is in the process of changing too. I rather naively didn't give a huge amount of consideration to what impact me changing would have on the overall relationship.

I spent a long time understanding the lessons, implementing them, but I did this in a rehearsed somewhat robotic fashion. What was still absent was how I was feeling about things, what I wanted. I wasn't being honest.

Like you I now feel more insecure, uncomfortable and surprised by the absence of extreme dysregulations after I have expressed myself and I can see that my husband knows something is changing and he too is left with uncertainty and confusion. The irony of this for us is that my husband has been managing to self-soothe more and more even with this new confusion. Something that has been absent for him for a really long time. There are many reasons for this, but my control and micromanagement of his life sure wasn't helping him.

I don't know if our marriage will survive these changes, I want it to and I know my husband does as well.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2014, 04:34:20 AM »

Part of the evolution of retraining your attitude to life. You have to force it, and role play it. As you learn you refine it according to the values you discover within yourself, and everyone is different. There will be a lot of dead ends and disappointments, lots of frustrations and things you simply cant accept that you thought maybe you could.

There will be consequences you never could have foreseen, some good, some bad.

Eventually what was once forced and roleplayed will become natural.

It is also a boot camp period of high intensity where each mistake is punished. Once you reach a more stable level you can ease off, take short cuts, even totally override what you know is "best practice'. You will do this because you have become aware this is a choice not an obligation. You know you can let it hit the fan as you know how to clean up more readily later, so you are not as afraid of doing the "wrong thing". Sometimes the sky doesn't fall in just because you eased off.

At times I have thrown waveriders book of good advice out the window and jumped in with the devil on my shoulders. Most importantly I have known this at the time and its not just uncontrolled reaction. I have chosen to deal with the consequences if, and when, they occur

Whether you stay in the army after bootcamp, or not, you will still be fitter and have better discipline for having gone through it.

You will have better control over your choices in the way you deal with people and your own values

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2014, 08:27:54 AM »

 

Waverider,

Solid post.  I'm looking at a place or two in my life where I may ease off a bit.  When I didn't feel like using a tool or lesson... .I didn't... there was a bit of a huff... .and I went on with my life.  Nothing more was said.

Next day I jumped right back into validation and being on top of my game

Zin,

I'll reiterate again... .the insight that you are working on will pay huge dividends.  Please keep it up and please keep posting about it.

Most of the big r/s changes have come after I changed something about myself... .which changed the r/s dynamic... .which put my wife in the position of having to change something.  Life is much better after this cycle has repeated several times.

It's not easy... .but I am so glad I did it... .and continue to do it... .

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ziniztar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2014, 03:24:27 PM »

Thanks for all the posts, I recognize so much in each and everyone of them  . I do have to say I wouldn't have been able to make this progress (at this pace) if I hadn't gone to my own T.

Unfiltering your reactions seems to be conflicting with all the validation lessons. I'm happy I've come to realize this now. My T explained this as my 'dilemma' that I copy from my FOO; I want to show healthy, adult behavior but my fear of losing the connection is making me change my behavior.

I'm not really sure how to tell apart real progress in the r/s from him ideolizing me again and doing everything I wanted him to do before. But I guess I already know t he answer. He hasn't turned to an 'you can't do anything wrong' state anymore. He seems to be more honest, but not in a desperate way. In the past two weeks he has...

- told me he planned work in stead of an evening with me because he wanted to avoid the difficult conversations

- that certain conversations we're having now about spending time together will never change, but that he still wants us to be together despite that

- he mentioned I sometimes hover over him like a school teacher

- he became very honest and real about his 'pattern' of hooking up with women once he fears the r/s will fall apart... he has only done it a few times when technically the r/s was already over, but... it does explain why happened what happened a few weeks ago.

I like the honesty, it feels real. This is intimacy Smiling (click to insert in post). And he is right about the school teacher. He mentioned he will probably do stupid stuff again, and that will be the real test... butit feels good to both acknowledge it. And I feel like I'm better armed next time.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2014, 04:59:13 PM »

 

Can you take the school teacher comment... .and make some changes that he can see in the way you behave towards him.

That my inspire him to make some changes...

Similar thing happened in my r/s... .we were both stuck...

Once we started changing things for no other reason than the other person wanted a change... .or didn't like what we were doing... .that got momentum going in the right direction.

Thoughts?
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2014, 07:52:26 PM »



Once we started changing things for no other reason than the other person wanted a change... .or didn't like what we were doing... .that got momentum going in the right direction.

Thoughts?

Demonstrating a willingness to make changes ourselves is very validating and goes a long way to reducing defensiveness. Particularly if we are not doing it under duress or an attitude of compromise. It demonstrates a problem shared
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ziniztar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2014, 03:56:11 AM »

Demonstrating a willingness to make changes ourselves is very validating and goes a long way to reducing defensiveness. Particularly if we are not doing it under duress or an attitude of compromise. It demonstrates a problem shared.

It does. Nothing has to really change but as long as you're both willing to do it... and I love the bold part. We've had good periods before where I've noticed he was willing to work on things. But then when he got into a bad period, withdrawing himself from everyone, arguing, cancelling on joint activities and no longer making an effort to see each other... my fears got triggered and that led me to demand time from him. I've said things like "Only seeing each other once a week is not enough", or when he said he couldn't come over I would get mad immediately and say "If you're going to be like this this could never work and we might as well quit."

I now see that demandingness really pushed him into the wrong direction, causing us to spiral down.

Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to join me in going to a drive in movie theater. He said he had early work the next day - which usually means he thinks can't come to my city. In stead of getting mad about that (if he would get up at 5:00 he'd be fine but I used to see that as 'not willing' to make the effort to be with me), I said: Ok. Bummer. A few minutes later he replied 'What time does the movie start?', and this morning he made travel arrangements so he can actually make it. Such a difference.

Yesterday he asked if we are back being a couple again. He added: "I really like how calmly we can interact with each other now."  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2014, 04:59:13 AM »

Removing the sense of "demand' and expectation, takes the pressure off,. Not only does it increase the chance of a favorable outcome, it also makes you feel better and less resentful
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