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Author Topic: All the issues we face  (Read 436 times)
maxsterling
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
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« on: October 03, 2014, 12:58:29 PM »

Does anyone else ever step back at all the issues you have to deal with regarding these relationships, see a giant mountain in front of you, and feel like it's time to turn around rather than climb that mountain? 

I guess that is where I am feeling now - that there is soo much work to do compared to how much has already been done.  I'm not just talking about her work, but relationship work, and my personal work on myself.  I still want the same goals of marriage and family.  It just seems like no matter how hard I work, that is an impossible task.  I remind myself that I was happy before being single, so why do I want this?  If you have read my other threads - I've got a vacation coming up beginning tomorrow.  And I am worried that the vacation may be a chore.  Her job situation is unstable.  While she had been out of work for a long time, somehow this would be different if she lost her job again.  She ties everything in with money.  I'm not sure if I can life with that forever as it feels like that will be an endless conversation where she can never be satisfied.

The past few days she has simply been OBSESSING.  that's her whole life, really, one obsession to the next.  But lately it seems like a manic episode.  She hasn't been sleeping, staying up to obsess about wedding details or details of the vacation.  It's stuff that can't be decided now, or is not important to decide now.  Like how much to spend on candles for the tables.  The problem is, when she obsesses, that leads to more obsession, less sleep, more anxiety, and more racing thoughts.  She has zero ability to just shut her brain down and relax.  Last night she asked me what I planned on doing.  She had once again skipped her therapy.  I told her I planned on doing laundry, watching TV and relaxing prior to our trip.  I asked her if she wanted to watch TV with me, and she said yes.  Instead she sat on her computer obsessing about wedding stuff.  So, I went and did something else.  After an hour and a half, she asked me, "I thought we were going to watch TV?"  I replied that I was waiting for her to get done with what she was doing.  She knew she needed to stop, said she was going to stop, and did, so I turned the TV on. Not 5 minutes later she was back on the computer obsessing again, asking me questions while I was trying to watch TV.  We watched TV for an hour and a half, and I bet she paid attention to a whopping 10 minutes of it.  And she is the one that is usually complaining that I am doing other things and not paying attention to her or wanting to do things with her. 

I guess this is just a vent.  I come on here and read stories and listen to advice that this rarely gets any better.  I'm in a somewhat different situation in that we aren't married yet.  As some advice that a few of you have given me - even if I still see the good outweighing the bad today, how will that feel after a few years and nothing has changed?  Maybe a battlefield analogy - like being the general of an army and you have come to a place where you hold the line and things are mostly peaceful, the serious fighting has stopped enough for you to not worry about it every day, but you know the war is still going on and eventually you just get tired of it.  So maybe I am at that stage now - where things are mostly peaceful, but I know the conflict still exists and the battle is still being fought.  I'm okay with the peace for now, but eventually the underlying conflict may wear me out.



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MissyM
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« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2014, 02:27:26 PM »

Max, it is hard to know.  I think if I had known everything about my dBPDh when we met, I would have probably still married him.  I would not, however, have had children with him.  I already had a daughter and she has turned out really well, she didn't have all of this chaos when she was little.  He really pushed for children and I feel it has been very unfair to them. Of course, then I wouldn't have my fabulous kids but I really hate the damage I can see his behavior has caused them.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2014, 02:40:30 PM »

UGGH.  Now she seems to be getting addicted to spending money. 

Last night, and this morning, worries about money, worries about losing her job, worries about how much our vacation and wedding will cost.  At least most of her spending the past few weeks were on clothes that were mostly needed and from a discount store.  Right now?  She just paid $300 for some skin care cream.    She got a great deal, the normal price was 1200.   .

Uggh.  Vacation starts tomorrow.  I don't want to deal with this now.  Inevitably, I will have to deal with this at some point.  I'd rather not prior to vacation, but I somehow know that tonight she will have buyers remorse.  And with that kind of reckless behavior, I just don't have the energy for SET or Validation or any of the tools. 
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2014, 03:03:50 PM »

Well, she called (can't seem to refrain from calling me at work), asked me if I was mad at her for spending 300 on face cream.  I told her I was not mad, I was worried.  Worried because last few days I heard nothing except her obsessing over money, and now spending 300 on this.  I told her that I am worried she is having a manic episode in response to the anti-depressants.  I told her I have not seen her act this way before, and all the info they gave us when she was in the hospital indicates the things she is experiencing over the past week or two coincide with bipolar manic symptoms - racing thoughts, obsessive thinking, inability to sleep, excessive spending. 

On the plus side I was able to have that communication with her without a rage response.  On the negative side, she remarked that she felt bad, that this isn't who she is, and is afraid I won't marry her because she can't control her spending (there is some truth to that - if this gets worse I think I have no choice in this matter but to call things off in order to protect myself - of course I didn't say that).  Then she justified her purchase saying she got a great deal and that she needs to take care of her skin better.  Then she encouraged me to do the same.  Then she told me she was going into another store... ."just to look".  She said she would take my concern regarding a manic episode into consideration.
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jcarter4856
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2014, 03:22:44 PM »

It sounds like you guys are in the pre-wedding time? If she's anything like my uBPDw this will be about the worst period in your life (so... yeah... .it may get better!). At the time (we've been married more than 15 years) I had no idea what was going on but it was a heck of a wild ride for sure. Today she looks back fondly on that magical day (which in reality was a complete nightmare from beginning to end!).

Not sure if this is helping, but just saying... .the run up to the wedding is a major major trigger for the BPD in your life.

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Mono No Aware
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2014, 03:52:14 PM »

see a giant mountain in front of you

you know the war is still going on 

Max you gotta let go on these negative analogies. They are doing more harm than good, as they become parameters and shapers of your worldview and dialog - but do not have any provisions for positive working-to-make-it-better language and thoughts.

One would almost go as far as to say... .you're obsessing about your situation.

But that's totally normal. Getting married is stressful for guys too!

So anyway, focus on the positive. She's the one for you, right?
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maxsterling
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Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2014, 04:12:09 PM »

Yeah, I thought this could be pre-wedding stuff.  Some of this could be anxiety related to that.  But all this recent stuff feels different to me - I haven't seen her act like this before.  She was diagnosed bipolar a year ago.  They changed the diagnosis back to BPD when she said she had never had a manic episode, and the mood stabilizers weren't working.  

Back to the main topic - it just feels like this is one more cliff to climb on the mountain.  At some point, this overspending will be just one more issue I need a boundary against
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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2014, 04:12:57 PM »

Max,

It will almost always be *something* with her.  

I've been married to uBPDw for 17 years, and there is some emotional crisis and/or major obsession and/or phantom physical ailment complaint happening almost every single day.  From what I've read here and elsewhere, this is normal; this is what you can expect every day for the rest of your life if you choose to marry someone with BPD.  And it can be exhausting.  I stay however and make the best life out of it that I can, because I took a vow, and I take that seriously.

You have an amazing luxury, knowing about her condition right now.
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Cat21
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« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2014, 07:40:26 AM »

Max,

It will almost always be *something* with her.  And it can be exhausting.  I stay however and make the best life out of it that I can, because I took a vow, and I take that seriously.

You have an amazing luxury, knowing about her condition right now.

I agree with Wrongturn. For me, I can't say for sure that I would have married my husband if I had known about alllllll of this ahead of time. But in some ways, I did know that something wasn't "normal"- there were signs from the beginning and I still chose to start a new life with my uBPDh. I often wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship that didn't require this amount of work. Nonetheless, I take my vows very seriously, too, and ultimately, I remind myself of all of the good things/good times to help deal with the bad ones.
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gentquality

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« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2014, 01:16:02 PM »

Hi max.  I'm exactly where you are right now.  I'm starting to think this is a life long issue we would have to deal with. 
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jcarter4856
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« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2014, 02:59:51 PM »

I've been married to uBPDw for 17 years, and there is some emotional crisis and/or major obsession and/or phantom physical ailment complaint happening almost every single day.  From what I've read here and elsewhere, this is normal; this is what you can expect every day for the rest of your life if you choose to marry someone with BPD.  And it can be exhausting.  I stay however and make the best life out of it that I can, because I took a vow, and I take that seriously.

You have an amazing luxury, knowing about her condition right now.

I knew nothing about BPD until more than 10 years into my relationship with uBPDw but I for sure knew that something was not quite right. In my case I took a conscious decision to stay the course, before we got married. I love her. She's a special person. Tiring though... .

 
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