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Author Topic: Why are vacations so hard?  (Read 487 times)
Linlu53

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« on: October 03, 2014, 01:37:57 PM »

We just went on one of the most horrendous vacations with our kids and their spouses. My h with uBPD was so anxious about the trip. He picked fights about religion with our son who is a minister. Would not stop while we were in the car for hours. I felt so worn out and stressed. Why do BPD's get so stressed and dysregulated when on vacation or just thinking about going away?

           Feeling sorry for my kids... .
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maxsterling
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« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2014, 02:02:11 PM »

Wow.  I am so sorry to hear that.  I've been on two vacations with my dBPD fiancé, and both definitely had their bad moments.  Plus, we leave on one tomorrow, and I worry the same will happen again.  If the vacation is soured again, I am probably going to think real hard about trying to travel with her again.  She just can't handle the stress.  Right now, she is running around frantic and anxious.  The chance of it blowing up is high. 

PwBPD are very poor at channeling normal stress and anxiety into healthy coping mechanisms.  Instead, they use coping mechanisms that lead to more stress.  Vacations are stress for everyone.  There is the spending money. Worrying about things at home.  Spending all day everyday with other people.  Jet lag and time changes.  Disruptions in diet and routine. 

I tend to manage that stress in ways that include accepting the stress, channeling the energy towards the vacation itself such as trying new things or exploring new places (allowing myself to be uncomfortable), exercise... .the pwBD tends to dwell and worry until the stress compounds on itself, and it finds its way out as blame on whomever is around. 

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Hope26
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« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2014, 03:50:24 PM »

Hi LinLu,

Max Sterling said it well.  It can be summoned up in one word: STRESS.  They have no tolerance for stress.

The vacations that have worked the best for us are those where uBPDH and I can go somewhere where all needs are taken care of (like an all-inclusive).  In our case, also, when it is just he and I.  He can't seem to tolerate making any sort of compromise with others regarding scheduling of meal times, recreational activities, etc.  The lack of being able to socialize is hard for me.  I'd be curious how others handle this, or if it is even an issue for others.
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waverider
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« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2014, 04:44:12 PM »

Too many unknown variables. routine is the safety zone for pwBPD, change is threatening. It is harder to be in control of your surroundings. It brings on unexpected considered decisions and responsibilities and can leave a pwBPD feeling exposed and responsible, they dont do responsibily very well, so they are prime for blaming someone for potential disasters.

It can develop almost phobia type behaviors
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Yaffle
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« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2014, 02:49:57 AM »

My uBPD isn't actually too bad when we're away.  I think in some ways it lets her forget who she is and leave her problems behind.  I suppose I spend more time with her and I don't know anyone else around so perhaps the fear of abandonment is less.  There are still moments mind but proabably not as frequent or as intense.  Our holidays probably aren't the most stressful in some ways either as she won't fly and can't drive so I have do all the worrying/planning round travelling.   The build up to the holiday is a different story mind as she stresses about packing and whether we'll be able to get food while we're away etc
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2014, 09:46:52 AM »

yeah, I have noticed that in the weeks leading up to our "family" cruise (that I was cut out of;it leaves next week), her contact has gotten more frequent and more dramatic.  She is looking for an outlet for her frustration that I'm not going it seems.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2014, 11:34:32 AM »

I just got back from a week-long vacation with my fiancé.  Surprisingly, she handled it better than I expected.  She definitely got emotionally exhausted by the end, she wasn't able to leave her worries behind and live in the moment, preoccupied with the past and future, but all in all I saw smiles on her face much of the time, and only experienced one rather small (for her) dysregulation.  Of course, now that she is home she's depressed, and had a major dysregulation yesterday morning.
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maric
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« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2014, 02:46:12 PM »

Hey Max, I'm happy you could enjoy your vacation. I'm very curious about it because, in my case, in both vacation me and pwBPD had to my country, she went completely nuts before and after. When we traveled together with her family to places she's been familiar with, I had no problems at all.

This year, after the broke up, we exchanged some emails and she told me that she'd been on vacation again with her family and when she came back home, she cried. I remembered that she told me that this had happened before also, crying after vacation. Perhaps it means disregulation also?
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maxsterling
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« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2014, 03:22:44 PM »

Hey Max, I'm happy you could enjoy your vacation. I'm very curious about it because, in my case, in both vacation me and pwBPD had to my country, she went completely nuts before and after. When we traveled together with her family to places she's been familiar with, I had no problems at all.

Interesting.  I suspect two reasons this trip went as smoothly as it did 1) We went to a city/area where she grew up and is familiar with 2) most of the trip she had friends/family around - taking the emotional burden away from me and the r/s.  Back in May we went on a week long vacation to a place where she had never been, and while we did have some fun, it was MUCH more difficult with her having a few major dysregulations. 
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maric
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« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2014, 03:33:32 PM »

Could you tell me a little more of the dysregulation your fiancé had after you came back home?

I just want to understand this "vacation dysregulation" a little more.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2014, 06:46:07 PM »

Well, I could tell she was emotionally burnt out by the end of the trip.  It was a long flight home, and I knew there was stress awaiting her when she got home.  So I think there was kind of a sat the vacation is over/depressed to be home thing going on in her head.

We had a late flight the day we left. She went out with her aunt to go shopping.  Originally, they were going to the book store for an hour, and it turned into shopping for a wedding dress for 4 hours.  While they were gone, my fiancé called her uncle to have him tell me they would be out later and that I should finish packing the bag (not sure why she did not just call me directly).  So, I packed the bag (my stuff had already been packed), gathered as much of her stuff as I could find, then when she got home I asked her to double check.  Well, she said she finished, I brought the bag downstairs, we left, got home late and tired.

Next morning at home, she was in the shower, and asked me to check if one of her shirts was in the suitcase.  I looked, told her no, then when she got out of the shower, she looked in the suitcase and it looks like a few of her shirts were left behind.  Ooops.  Of course she blamed me, I reminded her that I had told her to double check, she then accused me of blaming her... .I tried to stop the JADE and take a break, she then screamed at me for not engaging her, yelled that she hates me and is going to leave me. 

wow.

I left her alone, she called her aunt, her aunt said she would ship the clothes, told her that it was stupid to be mad at me, and 20 minutes later we went out to breakfast.
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In Pain
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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2014, 06:27:01 AM »

The few times we went away for a weekend locally it ended in bad fights, so I never took my ex BPD GF away on a long vacation for fear of a fight thousands of miles away from home.

I didn't have the knowledge I have today. Maybe with my new understanding it "might" have worked ?

Oh well... .Someone else's problem now.
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