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Author Topic: Long hard day...  (Read 807 times)
MaroonLiquid
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« on: October 06, 2014, 09:33:49 PM »

Here is my previous thread... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233722.msg12505471#new

My wife has been all over the place today.  Saying one thing and then completely contradicting herself constantly today.  She is trying to pick fights (divorce, bills), get me to react, and belittle me.  I'm done with it.  She is playing games and wants me to be her whipping post.  I have been good to her and the kids and she is projecting everything on to me today.  It's been hard.
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« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2014, 09:42:01 PM »

I am sorry.  I have been there several times.  This last time I just kept saying that I am so sorry he was hurting and I loved him.  Just didn't reply to the threats.  This is what the therapists recommended.  He was in therapy, so I think that helped move things forward.  When I saw him, I tried to be affectionate and calm.  He was cold and it hurt but he eventually thawed.
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« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2014, 11:29:57 PM »

Yeah, she started my morning off with, "I want a divorce". I never got angry, but eventually had to cut it off and say, "Have a good day" to keep from letting myself go to a bad place... .Can't control what she does... .She's hurting the kids and just keeps digging a hole... .It's sad
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« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2014, 11:35:21 PM »

Didn't read all the previous posts but I wonder if something specific triggered all this?  In any case, as much as you are hanging on, try to set careful boundaries, and not say anything you'll regret years later.
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« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2014, 03:59:53 AM »

A hammock on a desert island sounding pretty good around about now eh?

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« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2014, 09:27:55 AM »

A hammock on a desert island sounding pretty good around about now eh?

Right?  i am sending an email that explains to her that I won't discuss divorce as I'm not aligning myself with it.  I will be proactive in protecting myself in the event she files.  She wants a list of what I want by tomorrow evening.  Not going there with her.  Feeds her narcissistic control tendencies.  I think she is just looking for a fight. Tired of the drama.  She can't live without it. 
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« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2014, 07:21:20 AM »

So after the loong day two days ago that started with a phone call from my wife that stated she wanted a divorce (which I believe was a control issue since I wasn't speaking to her) and all over the map the rest of the day with saying one thing and then when agreeing to it, she would completely change the subject and not answer my text.  For instance, she asked if we could meet to exchange the laptop for the code, I gave her a time and place, then she responded with, "I've decided to keep the property where it is until the divorce is final."  That is the crap I'm tired of!  I realized how tired of that I was and sent her an email yesterday. Here it is:

Wife,

    After some time with God, I stand by one thing, God's truth.  I will repeat what I said yesterday.  None of what has been set in motion by the enemy regarding divorce is remotely of God nor is it honoring Him.  You don't have the Biblical grounds, I don't agree with it and I refuse to be in alignment with the demonic. 

    As the Word says in Mark 10:9, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."   I won't stand in agreement with, or participate in, any words spoken against our marriage no matter whose lips they come from and neither should you.  In John 8 and 44 it calls the devil, "The father of lies... "  Any counsel received, anything spoken contrary to the Word of God regarding our marriage and what God has spoken over us is a lie and deception in its purest form.  You are responsible for whom you align yourself with, counsel you receive, and what you choose to do outside the covering of our marriage because this separation was solely your decision.  Make no mistake, we are still responsible for honoring our vows.

    I am making my stance clear today in several ways before God and you.  First, I won't discuss divorce with you on any level nor align myself with it.  I will protect myself proactively in the event that you do file, but understand, my peace and trust is in the Lord, not in man. Second, I was not put in your life to be a punching bag, but instead to be your husband and a father to our children.  God expects us to honor each other in all that we do.  I have honored you and our vows and have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.  I will no longer be your target for your past hurts, your anger, your abuse, your controlling behavior, your projections about yourself, lies about me to other people or your belittling.  These are non-negotiables in my life.  You don't have any right to treat me that way and never have.  I am a good man, a good father and I won't put up with it any longer.  Yes, I've made mistakes, but owned them, repented to God and you, sought counseling for them and turned the other way. 

    If you have nothing nice to say to me, good things to say about our children, nothing in regards to the reconciliation of our marriage, do not call, text or email me as there will be nothing to talk about.

    The decisions you make are yours and yours alone.  You can't blame anyone else for these.  I am choosing obedience to His will for our life, but you have choice.  God has given us all free will.  His word says, "Choose you this day whom you will serve."  I am not fearful regarding whatever decision you make because God is on my side and has given me wisdom, and the complete peace that passes all understanding.  Psalm 62:6 says, "He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved."  I will continue to stand for His truth, our family and our marriage.

Husband

Since I sent it, she has posted a picture of the kids concert last night almost as a way to stick the knife in a little.  She has caused all this crap because of her unhealthiness and her children are the losers.  The one they call dad has been pushed out of their life because of her choices.  Honestly, it was nice to finally be honest with her about her behavior toward me as I never really told her.  She would always make it seem like my fault.     
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« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2014, 11:27:38 AM »

So after the loong day two days ago that started with a phone call from my wife that stated she wanted a divorce (which I believe was a control issue since I wasn't speaking to her) and all over the map the rest of the day with saying one thing and then when agreeing to it, she would completely change the subject and not answer my text.  For instance, she asked if we could meet to exchange the laptop for the code, I gave her a time and place, then she responded with, "I've decided to keep the property where it is until the divorce is final."  That is the crap I'm tired of!  I realized how tired of that I was and sent her an email yesterday. Here it is:

Wife,

   After some time with God, I stand by one thing, God's truth.  I will repeat what I said yesterday.  None of what has been set in motion by the enemy regarding divorce is remotely of God nor is it honoring Him.  You don't have the Biblical grounds, I don't agree with it and I refuse to be in alignment with the demonic.  

   As the Word says in Mark 10:9, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."   I won't stand in agreement with, or participate in, any words spoken against our marriage no matter whose lips they come from and neither should you.  In John 8 and 44 it calls the devil, "The father of lies... "  Any counsel received, anything spoken contrary to the Word of God regarding our marriage and what God has spoken over us is a lie and deception in its purest form.  You are responsible for whom you align yourself with, counsel you receive, and what you choose to do outside the covering of our marriage because this separation was solely your decision.  Make no mistake, we are still responsible for honoring our vows.

   I am making my stance clear today in several ways before God and you.  First, I won't discuss divorce with you on any level nor align myself with it.  I will protect myself proactively in the event that you do file, but understand, my peace and trust is in the Lord, not in man. Second, I was not put in your life to be a punching bag, but instead to be your husband and a father to our children.  God expects us to honor each other in all that we do.  I have honored you and our vows and have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.  I will no longer be your target for your past hurts, your anger, your abuse, your controlling behavior, your projections about yourself, lies about me to other people or your belittling.  These are non-negotiables in my life.  You don't have any right to treat me that way and never have.  I am a good man, a good father and I won't put up with it any longer.  Yes, I've made mistakes, but owned them, repented to God and you, sought counseling for them and turned the other way.  

   If you have nothing nice to say to me, good things to say about our children, nothing in regards to the reconciliation of our marriage, do not call, text or email me as there will be nothing to talk about.

   The decisions you make are yours and yours alone.  You can't blame anyone else for these.  I am choosing obedience to His will for our life, but you have choice.  God has given us all free will.  His word says, "Choose you this day whom you will serve."  I am not fearful regarding whatever decision you make because God is on my side and has given me wisdom, and the complete peace that passes all understanding.  Psalm 62:6 says, "He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved."  I will continue to stand for His truth, our family and our marriage.

Husband

Since I sent it, she has posted a picture of the kids concert last night almost as a way to stick the knife in a little.  She has caused all this crap because of her unhealthiness and her children are the losers.  The one they call dad has been pushed out of their life because of her choices.  Honestly, it was nice to finally be honest with her about her behavior toward me as I never really told her.  She would always make it seem like my fault.    

Well, she called this morning and asked if I had time to talk.  I walked outside and she told me she could meet me tonight with the laptop in exchange for the PIN code.  I told her when I could meet and she agreed.  We will see if she sticks to it.  She also said that she wants to get marriage counseling but can't do it until she gets back from the cruise in two weeks.  I said that was fine.  We'll see if she actually sticks to it, especially with her mom and sister on vacation with her and her mom staying with her for a month.  Waiting to see if she actually means it before I get my hopes up.  Two days ago she said she wanted a divorce... .  

Anyway, during the conversation, she said we needed to be trustworthy and honest to rebuild a relationship.  I said, "I 100% agree with you."  She tried to say again how inconvenienced her kids were and how this has created hard feelings that I had locked up the family computer.  I did respond with, "I was inconvenienced when I had to drop my classes because you kept my laptop and when I had to change my pass... .She then cut me off.   I just let her talk.  Then she showed the real reason why she kept my laptop.  She made the statement, "I saw where you have been looking at BPD websites for a couple of months.  You need to worry about yourself.  You have worried too much about our marriage and haven't done enough work on yourself to be healthy (I almost laughed as I have been in counseling all three months we have been separated and 6 months before that).  I won't be your punching bag (same exact words I used in my email to her two days ago."  I just said I understand what you are saying and I'm sorry you feel that way."  She started to talk about bills and I said, "Let's discuss when we meet up with the laptop tonight."  She said, "No, I'm not doing that as we aren't doing well without a third party."  I wanted to say, "We seemed to be doing well when I was taking care of your needs and having sex, but that changed when you kept my laptop and you found the BPD stuff!".  Instead, I just said, "Ok".  She said she'd see me tonight and I said, "ok, see you then."
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« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2014, 03:35:27 PM »

Good for you for not continuing playing ping pong with counter blaming

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2014, 09:02:24 PM »

Good for you for not continuing playing ping pong with counter blaming

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Nope, I get tired of that and it always goes nowhere good.  No win situation at its finest!
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« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2014, 10:13:41 PM »

So my wife texts and says, "I'm not going to make it tonight."  . Of course she's not.  I just responded with, "Ok thanks for trying".  Trying not to get pissed because how hard is it when we live 7 minutes apart to return a laptop and do what you say you are going to do.  So irritating... .just keeping with the good reaction... .
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« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2014, 10:38:25 PM »

I gotta say, I'm impressed with your reaction to this, MaroonLiquid  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You did the right thing; what else could've changed anything for the better?

If there was one right reaction, this was it... .You are continuing to show her that you have changed and are being understanding and stable. Two very good qualities that should (eventually) impress her, if she's not already impressed!

I give you a virtual pat on the back    (that looks like a hug   )

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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2014, 10:50:46 PM »

I gotta say, I'm impressed with your reaction to this, MaroonLiquid  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You did the right thing; what else could've changed anything for the better?

If there was one right reaction, this was it... .You are continuing to show her that you have changed and are being understanding and stable. Two very good qualities that should (eventually) impress her, if she's not already impressed!

I give you a virtual pat on the back    (that looks like a hug   )

Thanks for the pat on the back Rapt!  I have changed.  I am realizing it more and more and proud of myself.  I'll be honest, I was disappointed, but that's mine I have to deal with.  She did have some things to do tonight, so I respect that.  My first reaction was to go to the place of, "she is trying to control", but I'm making the decision not to go there.  Radical Acceptance.  When you love someone, actions speak louder than words... .
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« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2014, 11:04:53 PM »

The more you force yourself to detach from personalizing and reacting negatively to everything she does, the easier it gets, you'll find.

Eventually it becomes second nature; the first pay-off is how we feel less stressed out when we realize that it's not all about us. The second pay-off is seeing our loved ones start to change too. When we see that happen--and sometimes it's just Tiny Little Changes (TLCs) we need to be aware of--it becomes a great positive reinforcement for us to continue this way.

Radical Acceptance  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #14 on: October 10, 2014, 07:48:33 AM »



ML,

Keep up good work.

Eventually you will get to talk with her in person.

What is your plan?  What things can you be prepared to validate for her.
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« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2014, 10:09:43 AM »

ML,

Keep up good work.

Eventually you will get to talk with her in person.

What is your plan?  What things can you be prepared to validate for her.

My plan is to continue to work on myself, pray for my wife, spend time with my biological children while praying for hers (even though I call them mine), stay close to God and stay strong. 

As far as what I can be prepared to validate her for?  One is that she will be stressed over this cruise she is going on.  Every vacation or work trip that she leaves for is always stressful for her.  Other than that... .      Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2014, 10:23:12 AM »

I just texted her about her doctor's appointment for a checkup for an ovarian cyst as I thought it was today.  I asked how she was feeling.  She responded that she was having some trouble and that is why she didn't meet me last night.

I responded that it is frustrating to have to continue to deal with that and that it has been on my heart the past few days and will continue to pray.  I asked if there was anything she needed.  No response yet.
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« Reply #17 on: October 10, 2014, 10:23:27 AM »

 

When is the last time you met in person?

What is latest on the laptop?  

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« Reply #18 on: October 10, 2014, 10:25:34 AM »

When is the last time you met in person?

What is latest on the laptop?  

Last time we saw each other was 4 weeks ago tomorrow.  Read my previous post on the laptop.  She couldn't meet me... .Found out a few minutes ago by text why. 
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« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2014, 10:27:46 AM »

 

Can you try to get away from text...

Maybe limit text to ask if she can talk on phone... .or if you can stop by... .

Using text to conduct r/s issues it tough... with a pwBPD... .not a good plan.

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« Reply #20 on: October 10, 2014, 10:41:05 AM »

Hi Maroonliquid,

I can hear a lovely softness and caring in your most recent texts to your wife. They sound truly validating and that will really help soothe her in what you already know to be a stressful time for her. Anxieties will undoubtedly be running high for her this side of the vacation so you being able to offer calm, compassionate, simple responses and messages will go a long way toward helping both of you step out of your dysfunctional dance.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #21 on: October 10, 2014, 11:21:34 AM »

Can you try to get away from text...

Maybe limit text to ask if she can talk on phone... .or if you can stop by... .

Using text to conduct r/s issues it tough... with a pwBPD... .not a good plan.

I'm trying.  She responded with, "Yeah, it is frustrating" and then asked me about an issue with a bill.  I asked if she had a minute for me to call and she said she can only text as she is in two meetings.  I said ok, and asked if she was having lunch today and she said not today.  I said ok and that I would text when I got home.  I almost think at times she is trying to be difficult... .especiallyregarding getting together.  It always seems like it's on "her terms"
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« Reply #22 on: October 10, 2014, 11:38:53 AM »

Hi MaroonLiquid,

I would be inclined to keep everything as LC, upbeat and positive this side of the vacation. Unless there really isn't something you can't leave until after, just push things back gently until then. This is a very brittle time for pwBPD as you know, the vacation stress will create possibilities for her to attach dysregulations to.

I can't remember when the holiday is, but maybe don't push the phone contact yet either. I agree with ff that talking is better than text, but it can wait, another week or two after the last four weeks will continue to allow things to settle further.
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« Reply #23 on: October 10, 2014, 11:48:29 AM »

Hi MaroonLiquid,

I would be inclined to keep everything as LC, upbeat and positive this side of the vacation. Unless there really isn't something you can't leave until after, just push things back gently until then. This is a very brittle time for pwBPD as you know, the vacation stress will create possibilities for her to attach dysregulations to.

I can't remember when the holiday is, but maybe don't push the phone contact yet either. I agree with ff that talking is better than text, but it can wait, another week or two after the last four weeks will continue to allow things to settle further.

I'm just trying to feel her out and figure out her mood each time we communicate.  Won't push and won't respond negatively.  I think one issue is she continues to be upset with herself that I'm not going (because of her) and as it gets closer (two weeks), she gets even more upset, sad, angry, etc. and doesn't want to deal with the reminder by seeing me.  Punishing herself two ways.  Just trying to be understanding and let her work through it.
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« Reply #24 on: October 10, 2014, 01:10:31 PM »

I am sure you will not be surprised if your wife starts to escalate things up over the next two weeks, she has caught herself between a rock and a hard place as you are already aware.

Like I said low key, low contact, steady as you go kind of approach will help her feel soothed emotionally. Talk to the feeling behind her words, ignore if you can the content, unless of course it is nice  Smiling (click to insert in post)

What you are doing now is really great. Kindness, compassion and understanding go a very long way toward re engaging someone who has gotten a little lost.
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« Reply #25 on: October 10, 2014, 01:24:09 PM »

I am sure you will not be surprised if your wife starts to escalate things up over the next two weeks, she has caught herself between a rock and a hard place as you are already aware.

Like I said low key, low contact, steady as you go kind of approach will help her feel soothed emotionally. Talk to the feeling behind her words, ignore if you can the content, unless of course it is nice  Smiling (click to insert in post)

What you are doing now is really great. Kindness, compassion and understanding go a very long way toward re engaging someone who has gotten a little lost.

I would not be surprised to see that at all, in fact, I almost expect the escalation.  And this issue with a cyst she has could potentially put the trip in jeopardy if she has to have surgery. 
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« Reply #26 on: October 10, 2014, 04:36:54 PM »

So ny wife and I texted back and forth for a little over an hour.  I kept it light talking about the kids, sent her a picture that our youngest son wanted to send her (which she loved and said to tell him she misses him), and I was able to validate her twice.  Once regarding a work situation and another for her doctors appointment coming up.  She reacted well to both and it was a blessing!   Smiling (click to insert in post).  We stopped texting after the second one and just left it alone to marinate.  Thank God for the good days!  It's kind of like golf.  You have that one shot per round that keeps you coming back.   Smiling (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: October 10, 2014, 05:01:33 PM »

 

Just out of curiosity... .why not stop texting and call her... .? 
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« Reply #28 on: October 10, 2014, 05:09:58 PM »

Just out of curiosity... .why not stop texting and call her... .? 

I planned on it this evening.  Trying to take it slow.  Protecting myself, showing strength, and don't want to come across as needy or push her away.  Trying to be that safe place in her life. 
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« Reply #29 on: October 10, 2014, 05:17:27 PM »

Really great MaroonLiquid  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

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Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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