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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Dramatic change is possible  (Read 1460 times)
waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #30 on: October 09, 2014, 03:40:51 PM »

That is what I'm trying to do.  I've been steady in the boat for three and a half months almost.  She is trying everything to get me to react and I won't. 

Well done! That  takes guts

Just read a fortune cookie that said... .ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD CAN'T SINK A SHIP UNLESS IT GETS INSIDE.

(Personally trying to figure out how to not let it in... .so far it escapes me... .Sounds like you have this notion though... .Well done!  Smiling (click to insert in post) )

It has been God... .He has given me strength and courage.  Have I JADE'd at times?  Sure... .But never react in a manner she wants me to... .I refuse to blow my top.  She knew the buttons to press that got me there, but those buttons I am getting healed from.  Having never held solid boundaries until now, she is starting to realize that I'm not the person she can push around anymore.  I don't mind not speaking to her for a couple of days if that means she regulates her own emotions and acts like an adult.   

It makes you feel a whole lot better, and see words for what they are, words without any real meaning unless you give them meaning.

As you get stronger it is like throwing pebbles at a wall. A tiring and futile excercise
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Indyan
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
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« Reply #31 on: October 09, 2014, 03:53:42 PM »

It makes you feel a whole lot better, and see words for what they are, words without any real meaning unless you give them meaning.

As you get stronger it is like throwing pebbles at a wall. A tiring and futile excercise

I wish I could do that... .

But what do you do with the intention behind the words? The wish to hurt us, the distrust, the accusations... .and all the consequences too, such as people turning their backs to us because of all the terrible things they told them for example.
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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #32 on: October 09, 2014, 06:27:53 PM »

  FF!

I did see you from about the beginning here, and I've seen your progress. Great work on your part! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

And I'm relieved to hear that your wife decided to work on her own issues when you stopped letting them become "your issues". It really was her choice, and she is clearly going in the right direction. (My wife took a similar path)
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formflier
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« Reply #33 on: October 09, 2014, 07:48:32 PM »

 FF!

I did see you from about the beginning here, and I've seen your progress. Great work on your part! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

And I'm relieved to hear that your wife decided to work on her own issues when you stopped letting them become "your issues". It really was her choice, and she is clearly going in the right direction. (My wife took a similar path)

Yep... .your story is one that I followed and went back in time and read some of your earlier posts.  It helped to look around and see some that were struggling... .just like me... .and also to see guys that had gotten to a very much better place... .with hard work and application of lessons.

Waverider was also a huge help because he speaks strongly about the power of making choices vice reactions based on fear. 

Once I figured out that the lessons work... .survived an extinction burst... .and saw a hint of some positive change in my wife... .I was able to make a CHOICE to be a stayer and to let all the drama wash off me... .to not take it personally

Looking back and I realize now that I could have and maybe should have made that choice earlier... .so to all reading this... THE LESSONS WILL HELP!
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formflier
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« Reply #34 on: October 09, 2014, 07:54:30 PM »

It makes you feel a whole lot better, and see words for what they are, words without any real meaning unless you give them meaning.

As you get stronger it is like throwing pebbles at a wall. A tiring and futile excercise

I wish I could do that... .

What is stopping you?

But what do you do with the intention behind the words?

You realize that YOU are the one putting that intention there.  It's your fear talking.  Trying to figure out what a pwBPD "means" when they say things... .or taking it literally... .is not a good plan.  Remember... it's the disorder coming through... .not them.  If you give "intention" or "meaning" to their words... .you are handing over power to them... .don't do that!

The wish to hurt us, the distrust, the accusations... .and all the consequences too, such as people turning their backs to us because of all the terrible things they told them for example.

Again... don't try to figure out what they "wish" to do.  It most likely is not what it seems.  If people turn their backs on you based on incorrect info... .then that generally says something about their character... .you may be better off anyway.  Again... .this is an area to focus on "not taking it personally"

I realize it is much harder said than done... .but very important.
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #35 on: October 14, 2014, 07:28:58 AM »

Staff only

This post has now been split. This section is now locked and the topic continued here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235029.0


Thanks for your participation

Waverider
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