Not sure If I'm being unreasonable or not...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, I've been posting to the boards here for almost 3 years now. My child is now 3 years old,not 1 anymore haha.

So anyways, to get you up to speed... .Still in 50/50 time sharing with X Bpd H.

He's been extremely high conflict and unreasonable for the most part, UNLESS he wants something... .So I guess it is now that time of year again where he wants something. He has proposed a short notice schedule change in order to bring 3 yr old to an out of town wedding.

Normally... .I'd love to facilitate this and make it happen. though he has proven time and time again, that he  Doesn't reciprocate EVER. Everything has been so one sided so far, and I'm ready to just scream 'STOP!'. For example, I've given him every extra day he has asked for so far but he hasn't given me a single one in return. My daughter missed my sisters memorial, My great grandmothers 96th Bday, etc etc.

So now I am frustrated and tired of getting screwed over, yet family is pushing me to give him this extra day. Well frankly, I don't want to. He's already shown me that he is never going to do the same for me so why do I even bother? He actually felt so entitled to it, that he didn't even ask me. He just 'informed' me in a matter of factly manner. 

I don't know what to do, looking for a solution to this issue

[motherof1yearold]

Hi all, I've been posting to the boards here for almost 3 years now. My child is now 3 years old,not 1 anymore haha.

So anyways, to get you up to speed... .Still in 50/50 time sharing with X Bpd H.

He's been extremely high conflict and unreasonable for the most part, UNLESS he wants something... .So I guess it is now that time of year again where he wants something. He has proposed a short notice schedule change in order to bring 3 yr old to an out of town wedding.

Normally... .I'd love to facilitate this and make it happen. though he has proven time and time again, that he  Doesn't reciprocate EVER. Everything has been so one sided so far, and I'm ready to just scream 'STOP!'. For example, I've given him every extra day he has asked for so far but he hasn't given me a single one in return. My daughter missed my sisters memorial, My great grandmothers 96th Bday, etc etc.

So now I am frustrated and tired of getting screwed over, yet family is pushing me to give him this extra day. Well frankly, I don't want to. He's already shown me that he is never going to do the same for me so why do I even bother? He actually felt so entitled to it, that he didn't even ask me. He just 'informed' me in a matter of factly manner. 

I don't know what to do, looking for a solution to this issue

[ugghh]

Mother, unless someone has lived with a pwBPD, they are rarely able to grasp just how entitled BPDs feel.

Just as you did not have to justify yourself to your X, do not feel that you should have to JADE with your family either.  As evidenced by your own statement about him not reciprocating and I am sure based on the experiences of almost every other poster on this forum, pwBPD do not feel that the rules apply to them.  They are unlikely to abide by even their own promises unless their are actual direct consequences.  Even them, they will proclaim from the highest hill that they are a victim.

I cannot offer a solution, only a suggestion as to what I would do.

I would send him an email or letter (however you communicate, but obviously in writing as opposed to by phone or text) simply stating,

" I am in receipt of you request for a change to the parenting schedule.  I am unable to accommodate your request.  I will  (pick up /drop off / exchange) 1 year old- now 3 year old per the terms of our court ordered parenting schedule on day x as usual.  Sincerely, Much Happier without You Motherof1yearold."

You will notice I did not say unable to accommodate at this time, and I did not offer any explanation.   You are not offering to negotiate, and unless court ordered you do not owe him an explanation as to why you want to follow court orders.  Short, to the point.  Be prepared that he may challenge you on this. You have many years left of dealing with him.  He will continue to push until you draw the line in the sand, the sooner the better. 

Then he will come back and test you every few years, because pwBPD couldn't find boundary in the dictionary if you opened it up to the right page and highlighted for them.

[ForeverDad]

You may have to just do as ugghh mentioned, however if it is a really special event, you *might* look bad if/when you ever return to court.  (Yes, I know he never reciprocated when you wanted time and it just seems that somehow, not sure how, the messed up acting-out unreasonable people get the most attention in court and somehow our fine points get glossed over and virtually ignored.  Sigh.  Back to topic... .)  But the reality is that probably the court won't really care all that much.  If asked why you didn't agree to his request, you can simply state that you have previously allowed extra time but every time when you asked he refused to reciprocate.  So therefore you decided to stick to the schedule.

A few alternate ideas to try when he asks... .

1) If it is a trade, then require your time first, your end of the trade first.  That way you are sure to get your time.  If he doesn't ask far enough in advance then "Sorry, you're out of luck.  Next time ask farther in advance."  A few times of that and he may get the idea you mean serious business, your time first or else no trade, period.  Maybe he will see the light but of course probably not.  Sigh.

Unfortunately that doesn't help you on days you don't need time now and your events are no time soon, so... .

What was the problem with prior trades?  Were they not written up in duplicate with specific dates and times and then signed by both?  If so, then... .

2) Get all trades IN WRITING and SIGNED in advance!  You still risk him not complying with your end of the trade, but at least you have it in writing and the police *might* assist you with the exchange or at least write up a police report for you.  But this way if he wants something you say, "Fine, I'll write up a trade agreement and I will list my end of the trade for ___ date.  You sign that or it's nothing.  Period."

But how to avoid him refusing to make the agreed exchange?

3) You're still currently on the alternating days schedule?  (Frankly I think that's far too many exchanges, I'd go nutty having that obligation to exchange my son daily hanging over my head day in and day out.)  Then simply exchange entire parenting periods, IN WRITING of course, and be sure the specifics are spelled out clearly so he has no room to reinterpret the trades into his favor.  That way if he wants one of your days then instead of F-M-F it will be F-F-F and when your trade comes up then instead of M-F-M it will be M-M-M.  Not only does your own parenting time merge right into the traded time so you don't sit waiting for your child only to discover he's a no-show and you don't get your kid, it means two fewer exchanges for each side of the trade.

This way you try to look ahead and always have something to be prepared to respond with.  I know it doesn't help with unexpected events and emergencies, but it's better than it is now.  "Okay, you want ___ day?  Okay, you get the 24 hours from exchange hour to the next exchange hour the following day, but then I get my choice on ___ for the 24 hours from exchange hour to the next exchange hour the following day.  But it doesn't happen unless it gets written up and signed.  No paperwork, no signatures, then no trades AT ALL.  My Firm Boundary."

[ForeverDad]

So now I am frustrated and tired of getting screwed over, yet family is pushing me to give him this extra day. Well frankly, I don't want to. He's already shown me that he is never going to do the same for me so why do I even bother? He actually felt so entitled to it, that he didn't even ask me. He just 'informed' me in a matter of factly manner.

In a word, it is your call.  You can choose to say either Yes or No.  However, there will always be consequences.  Generally the consequences are worse long term if we acquiesce and give in.  Setting firm boundaries may trigger prompt Extinction Bursts (demands, ultimatums, etc) but once we show we're not fazed by it and are holding to our boundaries then it can reduce.

Who is this 'family" pushing you to give in?  Disordered parent?  Family member/controller who took your keys and title?  (By the way, how did that turn out?  Clearly, making one spare key was not enough, maybe a boxful hidden in various places?)  If you have to, tell them to take a hike.  Or take a number.  If they're pressuring you it means they know YOU are the one to make the descision.  If you weren't the Decider, then they would see no need to push you.  Make sense?

Congratulations, a couple years have passed and you are definitely more mature and experienced in dealing with saboteurs, controllers, druggies, etc.  We're just sorry you had to get this Grow-Up call under such dire circumstances.  Yet a couple years and you've survived and are tougher for it, right?

[motherof1yearold]

i forgot to clarify, we are now on a 3/4 alternating schedule. not nearly as grueling as our 1/1 schedule.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see how an out of town wedding for a stranger is important for a 3 year old. Usually kids don't even go to those types of things so I'm really not sure what the big deal is on this. I'm sure he's just bringing her to 'show off' or something but really it's none of my business.

Getting my parenting time in advanced would be reasonable, though he sprung this on me such short notice that I don't see how that is even possible? Now on top of all this, I find out AGAIN he is technically in violation of our court order by withholding extremely important medical info regarding 3Yo. 3 Yo has been on *THREE* different prescriptions lately without him notifying m kne. This has been a problem in the past, and I'm fed up. I don't know how to approach that issue, but I do believe that falls under some sort of contempt correct? It is CLEAR in our court ordered agreement that we are to inform the other parent of any and all medical info. He has been excluding me from doctors appointments and putting her on various prescriptions all the while I've been blissfully unaware!

What to do ,what to do

[ForeverDad]

Ex,

Despite my cooperative spirit, I cannot give up or trade my parenting time on short notice for matters or events that are not emergencies or not clearly applicable to the benefit of a young child.  You will need to make such requests as far in advance as reasonably possible.

In addition, I cannot trade parenting time where there is no clear, specific, written and signed agreements.  Your previous requests for traded time resulted in you getting your end of the trade but then ignoring my end of the trades.  I will not allow that to happen again.  I must refuse any trade requests where I do not have assurance and guarantee that my end of the trade will be fulfilled.

Going forward, if either of us trades time it needs to be done well in advance and in writing detailing both ends of the agreed trade.  Based on past traded time failures, for now I require that I get my trades first to ensure the trades succeed.  Be aware that if you refuse to grant trades when I make requests then I will be forced to reciprocate similarly.

MO3YO



Frankly, a police officer may or may not enforce a written trade agreement since it is not a court order.  But if the officer won't enforce it, then at least get a police report that you tried and ex refused.  You can try it once to see if it works and if not then you have something to bring with you to court.

Regarding ex's failure to notify you of her meds, have you tried to get the pediatrician to notify you whenever that happens?  Or is he taking her to other doctors?

You can take this to court, seeking Contempt of Court and/or seeking medical decision-making or whatever fits the issue but what would the court do?  Possibly ex would feign "I didn't know I had to tell her" or "But I did tell her" and then get a five second lecture.  Do you have to prove you previously notified him of his failure to share information?

[motherof1yearold]

Ex,

Despite my cooperative spirit, I cannot give up or trade my parenting time on short notice for matters or events that are not emergencies or not clearly applicable to the benefit of a young child.  You will need to make such requests as far in advance as reasonably possible.

In addition, I cannot trade parenting time where there is no clear, specific, written and signed agreements.  Your previous requests for traded time resulted in you getting your end of the trade but then ignoring my end of the trades.  I will not allow that to happen again.  I must refuse any trade requests where I do not have assurance and guarantee that my end of the trade will be fulfilled.

Going forward, if either of us trades time it needs to be done well in advance and in writing detailing both ends of the agreed trade.  Based on past traded time failures, for now I require that I get my trades first to ensure the trades succeed.  Be aware that if you refuse to grant trades when I make requests then I will be forced to reciprocate similarly.

MO3YO



Frankly, a police officer may or may not enforce a written trade agreement since it is not a court order.  But if the officer won't enforce it, then at least get a police report that you tried and ex refused.  You can try it once to see if it works and if not then you have something to bring with you to court.

Regarding ex's failure to notify you of her meds, have you tried to get the pediatrician to notify you whenever that happens?  Or is he taking her to other doctors?

You can take this to court, seeking Contempt of Court and/or seeking medical decision-making or whatever fits the issue but what would the court do?  Possibly ex would feign "I didn't know I had to tell her" or "But I did tell her" and then get a five second lecture.  Do you have to prove you previously notified him of his failure to share information?

i actually do not know how that aspect even works, so I guess I was asking. I wouldn't know where to start in telling the courts that he is withholding vital medical information about her, but I do know it is at the least a contempt of court because our time sharing agreement clearly states that we are to inform each other of any and all medical related info. It's clear cut and simple.

He is taking her to her pediatrician that we have had since birth, L has faxed over letters to the office about informing me of things and they have completely disregarded that. He seems to even have a 'munchausens' thing going on with her, because believe it or not, this child is COMPLETELY healthy! He is basically making up health issues for  her and pushing the envelope until they finally prescribe her something. I don't know why he does it, but he does. She's healthy. No issues whatsoever, yet she's on prescription stool softeners for no reason that has essentially pushed her back to having the bowel control of a newborn. (fun for me!) Not only that, but getting her unnecessary antibiotics and allergy meds pain meds etc. It goes on and on. I know for at least one of the times, the doc wouldnt prescribe her anything and he took her to another doctor! I know munchausens tends to be an issue with mothers but in my case he fits the bill!

We also had previously agreed on a delayed vax schedule, starting at about 5 years old when she enters school. L informed pediatrician , it was also added into our court order. Ex went behind my back and already has started giving her shots. I probably would have agreed with his decision, yet he never even consulted me... .Just went ahead and did it. As usual. Never informed me.