Does the calm ever make you nervous?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know we all hope for things to calm down so we can have "normal" relationships, but when it happens... .does it ever make you feel nervous/anxious?  How does it make you feel?

Things have been really good for going on 2 months now (we've had a few little issues, but have been able to handle them like a "normal" couple and get over it rather quickly).  Other than that, it's been really really good.

While I relish it most days... .I find myself also wondering when is the rage going to happen and if it'll be worse than ever since it hasn't happened in so long.  I also find myself wondering... .well if he can be "normal" for this long, that means he did all that abusive stuff on his own will (vs because of having BPD) and it makes me kind of resent him (though I hide it well for the sake of keeping things good).  I find myself confused though.

What do you find yourself thinking in times of calmness?

[LilHurt420]

I know we all hope for things to calm down so we can have "normal" relationships, but when it happens... .does it ever make you feel nervous/anxious?  How does it make you feel?

Things have been really good for going on 2 months now (we've had a few little issues, but have been able to handle them like a "normal" couple and get over it rather quickly).  Other than that, it's been really really good.

While I relish it most days... .I find myself also wondering when is the rage going to happen and if it'll be worse than ever since it hasn't happened in so long.  I also find myself wondering... .well if he can be "normal" for this long, that means he did all that abusive stuff on his own will (vs because of having BPD) and it makes me kind of resent him (though I hide it well for the sake of keeping things good).  I find myself confused though.

What do you find yourself thinking in times of calmness?

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[reluctanthusband]

Yes absolutely!  I think that is one of the more hurtful parts of this illness.  You can validate, detach all you want and you get brief moments of calm but its coming.  It always comes.  So even though in your moment of peace you try to relax and re-coupe you are nervous about the next time.

[maxsterling]

For sure! Right now i am in a "good" phase, but cant fully live in it because i see so many obstacles in the road ahead.

[wilsonian]

My dBPDw and I are nearing 3 months of actually bless... .dont get me wrong there has been a couple of bumps but nothing major saw the other side start to come out but just for a comment or two... .so lilhurt i understand what you are feeling but I look at each day as a blessing and cherish each one with her... .I dont think about the what ifs... I try to be a balcony person not a basement person and read and guide myself through the days with her(both the wonderful and the rages)in prayer and scripture... .

  He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,…

[takingandsending]

Lilhurt,

I understand and agree with your experience. My uBPDw and I are at about 1.5 months of relative peace. Dysregulations still come up, but don't flare up as high or last as long. I sometimes find myself wondering if I created how bad it was in my head.

But can I ask you, do you find that you are still pretty rigorously applying the Lessons? Whenever I find myself thinking, was she always okay and just didn't want to be reasonable, or was she just sleep deprived, I consider how hard and how often I am forcing myself to be non-reactive, to not JADE, and otherwise not respond to invitations to start the dance of dysfunction. Then, I realize that, no - it's all still out there, but it's me who is choosing not to dance. 

[ColdEthyl]

Yep it does... .I tend to always have a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling, but to be honest it's not just with his BPD, but life in general. ^.^

[ziniztar]

does it ever make you feel nervous/anxious?  How does it make you feel?

It does make me feel anxious. However, I'm learning now not to act upon that anxiousness. To just let it happen, feel it in your body, decide it's there and accept it will also go away. Anxiousness in no way will positively help you, it can only make you 'snap' and start dancing. Keep your calm. As takingandsending says, stop dancing. Let's say you're a wallflower that doens't want to be asked to dance because she knows she can't dance. People choose partners to dance with and you're not one of them. That's nice, you feel safe for a while. Then the next song starts and people choose partners again. Right before the song ends you start to get anxious - will I be chosen this time? Even though the opportunity will rise that you get asked to dance - you are still the one that can say no. Trust in your own abilities to deal with whatever is coming, maybe even count on it, but try not to obsess about it. Nothing good can come from that.

I also find myself wondering... .well if he can be "normal" for this long, that means he did all that abusive stuff on his own will (vs because of having BPD) and it makes me kind of resent him (though I hide it well for the sake of keeping things good).  I find myself confused though.

Do you really think so, after all what you've read and experienced, this is a conscious choice? dBPDbf explained once that his "emotional guard" is malfunctioning. There are times when he keeps everything in - and times when he lets everything out. In both situations he feels out of control, and he can't pick one that feels better. Keeping everything in is like wanting to cry your balls out and not being able to do so because you're at work and have to keep it in. We have the ability to start crying once we walk out of the office doors - pwBPD can't. That feeling builds up and up and up and up until everything is let out again. The times between those phases can vary from days to weeks to months...

I have accepted that difficult times will come back again - but I'm building trust in my own ability to deal with it better. That takes the anxiousness away - most of the time .

[sweetheart]

Hello LilHurt,

I used to forget about the fact that my h had BPD when he used to have quite long periods of calm. So much so I found myself really traumatised then every time he would dysregulate.

When the gaps between his cycles got shorter then I felt nervous, my behaviour was more stilted and cautious. My 'eggshell period .'

Now the difference for me is I'm not reacting either to the calm or the dysregulation, I am just being me. Using the lessons, practicing the skills and I feel a lot happier. I really am just getting on with life.

Our marriage is a bit weird at the moment though because we are in what feels like a transitional phase. My h knows something is different. I am not sure where we are going or whether we can be together long term. I want us to be together but now that I am no longer controlled by and fearful of the disorder it has changed the dynamics between us. We are now in a place each exploring what our relationship has become.

[Hope26]

Hello LilHurt,

I can so relate to what you are saying.  My uBPDH has had longer periods of calmness lately too.  At times I've also wondered if he really has a problem.  But a dysregulation always happens sooner or later.  It happened to me this past weekend, which is why I am on the board today.  Like Sweetheart who responded just before me, I am no longer really reacting emotionally.  I guess I know that nothing I said or did would have prevented it, and that it would pass.  Interestingly, he later made reference to himself as having been an '___hole' on Friday night.  This acknowledgement happened both of the last 2 times he dysregulated, and I think it has to do with my not responding with anger or hurt.  I still don't get an apology, but life has been better overall.

[waverider]

A lot of this comes from your self doubt about your ability to handle conflict when it comes. You are still afraid of it.

As you learn better to handle conflict, you will fear it less. The result is the cycle repeating will still be frustrating when it comes, but you wont have this residual resentment and unease waiting for it to happen.

Frustration is normal, resentment is a relationship killer.

You are still in eggshells mode being afraid of triggering your partner.

You need to work on keeping control and handling your side of any conflict rather than just weathering it, surviving, and trying to make it through to the other side, only to fear next one.

[Mr. Solo]

Yes. Unfortunately, our calm periods ended as soon as she wanted something or wanted to do something and I disagreed. That was the most common trigger. The accusations of being controlling, a micro-manager, a bully, etc., began at that point and spiraled from there. Sometimes I would be able to head it off but sometimes she was just intent on there being some kind of drama. If I argued with her, I was an ass. If I didn't argue with her, I was an ass.

[Verbena]

Yes, it does--with my BPD DD29 and also with my whatever-he-is H of 30 plus years. My H can be very pleasant around other people if he wants to be, but it is RARE that he is pleasant and in a good mood with me.  When those rare moments do occur, I know that it is just a matter of time until he does a 180.  This has been going on for many years.  He simply cannot maintain this  "forced" condition around me. 

It would probably be good advice to just enjoy the nice moments and not worry about what you know is going to happen, but I realize that is not easy.  As others have said, there is never an apology.  He does not apologize bc he is never wrong.  He does not believe there is anything wrong with the way he behaves, never has. 

[AnnaK]

No, calm does not make nervous. We'll get back at each other in due time, but we both need a break to recover

[waverider]

Yes. Unfortunately, our calm periods ended as soon as she wanted something or wanted to do something and I disagreed. That was the most common trigger. The accusations of being controlling, a micro-manager, a bully, etc., began at that point and spiraled from there. Sometimes I would be able to head it off but sometimes she was just intent on there being some kind of drama. If I argued with her, I was an ass. If I didn't argue with her, I was an ass.

Best cure for that is to be an absent ass, then its not your problem. 

[LilHurt420]

To answer everyone... .yes things are more calm due to my action (or inaction) whenever he starts to dysregulate.  When he starts, I just try my best to keep things on track.  I'm also almost 8 months pregnant, so he can physically see I can't handle much of his craziness at the moment and I think that keeps him somewhat in check.

For example, we were out to eat over the weekend and he started to have a dysregulation when he went to take a picture of me.  When he looked in the camera on his phone he said "wow you don't look happy to be with me" and I could tell his mood was changing... .now he knows that a) I take awful pictures anyways and b) I'm almost 8 months pregnant and rarely look happy about anything these days since I'm so uncomfortable.  Before I would get upset at his comment and try to explain why I was looking the way I was and we'd get into an argument, but instead I ignored it and just kept talking about the conversation we were beforehand (which happened to be about him) and it kept it at bay.

[takingandsending]

That's good LilHurt.

It gets back to what I wondered. You are applying the lessons for communication and doing your part to not make things worse. And he is still giving you opportunities to make things worse. The more you feel in control of what you are doing, hopefully the less you feel anxious or worry over him being triggered into an episode. That said, at 8 months pregnant, and I believe already taking care of young one(s), I completely understand how vulnerable you might feel ... .at least I would feel anxious. I hope that the calm lasts through the remainder of your pregnancy and into your beautiful new moments with your baby. Everyone deserves support, understanding and love at times like these. 

[AnnaK]

Yeah, right. I am not afraid of it because yes... .I am not afraid of the conflict.

It makes me tired (it takes an effort to handle) - but it does not make me scared.

Just nothing terrible is going to happen... .if he yells - I'll listen, or I don't listen, or I yell back (as per my mood). If he walks out - he'll come back, if he breaks up - he'll recycle, if he goes violent - I'll lock my room's door, or in the worst case we'll exchange a couple of bruises (that's called "mutual combat" I suppose)... .

We've also seen domestic thefts here, but now I hide under the lock what I don't want to be stolen in rage, problem solved

What else is going to happen?

[Theo41]

Hi LilHurt, I was taught - not sure where but likely on this site- if you are going to stay with your partner it is very important that you thoroughly enjoy all the good time u have together. That makes sense... .common sense. So that's what I do. This week my uBPDw disregulated 3x after a lengthy period of calm and love. I definitely enjoyed the good time over the last month. When things went bad I was surprised/upset and reacted badly/emotionally myself. It Made things worse and I became a focus of her anger and disappointment. I admire that you were able to finesse through the picture taking episode, and hope to be able to develop more contol and skills in that area too. All the best to u... .enjoy the good times: don't worry-be happy:) Theo

[letmeout]

You can't predict the future, so just enjoy the moment.

Still, I remember well waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it always did.