Believe their fixed...

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf has been going to counseling now bi-monthly for 2 months.  He has stated that he believes that he is almost done with counseling and "fixed."  I've tried to explain that it doesn't work like that.  I've also asked him if his counselor has told him that... .to which he responds "No".

He now feels that since he has been in counseling that now I'm the one with the issues.  That's because I am still upset from his actions and words over the past 3 years that I have the problem.  I realize I need to get past the stuff if I want to make the relationship work, but only 2 months and he has said "sorry."  I guess his grand gesture would be going to counseling, but life still revolves around him. (An example would be the day before I have to wake and bury my aunt for 3 days he tells me "he doesn't believe we can make it and wants to break up."  Also, there have been 2 times in the 2 months I have drank too much and really let it out & said nasty things to him and "he is hurt"  The 3 years of constant harrassment, nastiness, etc. that he did... .I am told to get over.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[survivalmode27]

I am sorry. I too tend to drink too much, a stress reliever and probably not a good one.

We are in our second round of Marriage counseling. And my BPDh is also going solo to the same lady. We go weekly and have for about 2 months.  Maybe you should go as a couple while he continues his therapy solo. It helps to hear what they say in counseling. It is eye opening.  I do feel this is helping us. I know a simple sorry does not make up for what has been done, but it is a start.

[formflier]

Figure it,

Probably better next to to say something like "I'm glad you are making progress... .when can we meet together with counselor to discuss"

Telling him it doesn't work that way is close to arguing... .not a good place to be.

Thoughts?

[ColdEthyl]

I'm not saying get over it, but try to look at the past 3 years differently. He doesn't intend on being mean, and he will always have BPD issues. It's sort of like being at upset at a puppy that peed on the floor a year ago, even though they are no longer a puppy. You can expect him to still pee on the floor from time to time. It's a mental disorder.

Formflier had a good thing to try. I would say something similar.

[FigureIt]

I understand letting it go... .I do.

It's just exhausting always being expected to give to them... .Very very rarely do they give and when they do they expect koodoos and gratification.

[maxsterling]

I think formflier offers a good thing to think about.  I do my very best to let her metal health issues be her issues, because if I even hint that I truly know what is best for her, all hell breaks loose.  Best to stay out of it, and leave the treatment and diagnosis up to the professionals.  And leave the 3 years of hurt up to yourself to deal with.  Bringing up those (natural) resentments to him really doesn't do him or you any good. 

While my fiancé has not declared herself "fixed", she does go through a regular pattern of trying to claim my issues are equal to hers, pin blame on me for "triggering" her, etc.  I do my very best never to try and do the same in return by blaming her mental health issues for our problems.  My biggest issue here is her not going to her therapy because of laziness or a bad mood, or not going to her 12-step meetings for the same reason, and me having to bite my tongue and/or find a way to persuade her to go to those institutions that may actually help her. 

[FigureIt]

Thank you all for the advice.  It's exhausting and I wonder sometimes if I love him enough to continue. When he has said "we should break up" I always said no, these days I am really at the point of saying "go ahead" yet then that is a trigger and I'm cold-hearted etc.

[formflier]

Thank you all for the advice.  It's exhausting and I wonder sometimes if I love him enough to continue. When he has said "we should break up" I always said no, these days I am really at the point of saying "go ahead" yet then that is a trigger and I'm cold-hearted etc.

Think about using... "I'm sorry you feel that way... ."  Then move along to a new topic... .don't dwell on that... .or allow your partner to dwell on that. 

[ColdEthyl]

We know it's exhausting, we all get fed up from time to time. It's hard to think 'on the high road' when sometimes you just want to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME!"

You might have to sit down with yourself and seriously consider if this is what you want to do, or for how long. They will not change. They will improve with treatment, but not change.

Just last night my dBPDh started yelling and throwing a fit because he's sick and doesn't feel good. This is a 48 year old man. In his words, he did not want my sympathy, he did not want me to tell him dinner is done because that's like me telling him to eat, and that just pisses him off. He didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want me to do anything for him, he just wanted to be left alone. I said hey cool! And did my own thing. He kept eyeballing me... .waiting for me to do or say something. A few times, he tried to bait me by saying things like "I love our dog, he's cute and stupid, just like I like them... .just like his momma" And I just said "uh huh" and he exclaimed "I'm kidding!" And I just nodded. He wanted to fight, he didn't get to. I gave him a kiss and went to sleep.

In this example, I know when he's ill, he's a grouchy bear. He's pissed he doesn't feel good, and like a child tries to act out. I just don't "feed the beast" so to speak.

This morning on my way out the door, I woke him up to let him know I was leaving for work. He hugged me, apologized and that was that. He's gonna do it. It's up to us to decide how to respond... .if we want to respond at all.

I understand letting it go... .I do.

It's just exhausting always being expected to give to them... .Very very rarely do they give and when they do they expect koodoos and gratification.

[FigureIt]

I don't get much of the direct rage unless he's been drinking.  One thing I say a lot which I need to stop doing is "what is the matter?"  Usually, I'll get "I'm fine" and depending on his tone is whether that is true or not.  Just last night I got it... .  And he was irritated that I take my D8 to her sports practice 3x a week, or I go workout, or run errands, or twice a month get my nails done.  He sees me doing things as "not being there for him."  Because in his mind I'm just suppose to sit there in the house and only do things when he's at work or doing his things.  Yet, I work too, so doesn't leave a lot of open time for the other stuff. 

When I get the "you're not here... ." how would you respond? 

His daily routine is go to work, come home at lunch, go back to work till 5ish, then come home, workout at home about an 1hr, shower, pick at food (never sits down for a meal), watch tv from 7-11pm and usually dozes off for 30min.-1hr. or more during tv watching.  NEVER does he cook dinner, NEVER does he offer to go out to dinner (even when my D8 is at her dad's house), NEVER is does he want to take dogs for a walk, NEVER anything different.  BUT... .if I'm not home, then I'M NOT THERE FOR HIM.

[ColdEthyl]

I've had issues in the past where my husband was upset about me not sitting down with him the second i get home from work, because im saying hellp to my children, checking homework, feeding dogs, getting dinner started... .whatever it is. What I did with him after he raged 100 times about it is make a compromise. Now, when I first get home I sit with him for 30 minutes. I keep a smile on my face, and talk about his day. After that he's fine and I do what needs to be done.

My husband doesn't do any of those things either. He hates himself for it, he criticizes himself, says I deserve better blahblah but doesn't DO anything.

Bottom line: He won't. Asking them to do something=commanding them in their mind, and like children they automatically starts rebelling. For me it's fine. I like things my way anyways, who better than me to do it?

My suggestion for your errands is to try to plan things WITH him to see if your responses are different. Remember for him, anytime you are gone feels like abandonment. Sometimes just asking them helps. Say like... ."You know what hunny? We needs groceries soon. I was thinking Saturday afternoon would be a good time to get that done. How does that work for you? Would you like to go?"

He will probably not go, but making it sound like they had a voice in the decision can help.

[MissyM]

My dBPDh goes through his bump on a log phases.  I just make plans, I invite him to do something with me and if he doesn't want to then I go with other people.  I no longer sacrifice my life for him, it annoys him and that is his problem. I validate that he doesn't like being alone but I am interested in having a fulfilled life.  He usually then starts to do more things with me. 

[waverider]

The problem is the path from total chaos to being "fixed" is long and torturous, most will never make the full journey, most dont actually have to. Little successes one at a time are the way, then consolidate, and yes slide back a little. Then reassess and take another step. It could be a lifelong journey

If the size of the task is revealed in its enormity in one go then anyone would give up.

As far as how many times they are doing the wrong thing vs you, it is a waste of a stressor. It is the way it is, you wont changed that in a hurry.

[waverider]

I've had issues in the past where my husband was upset about me not sitting down with him the second i get home from work, because im saying hellp to my children, checking homework, feeding dogs, getting dinner started... .whatever it is. What I did with him after he raged 100 times about it is make a compromise. Now, when I first get home I sit with him for 30 minutes. I keep a smile on my face, and talk about his day. After that he's fine and I do what needs to be done.

My husband doesn't do any of those things either. He hates himself for it, he criticizes himself, says I deserve better blahblah but doesn't DO anything.

Bottom line: He won't. Asking them to do something=commanding them in their mind, and like children they automatically starts rebelling. For me it's fine. I like things my way anyways, who better than me to do it?

My suggestion for your errands is to try to plan things WITH him to see if your responses are different. Remember for him, anytime you are gone feels like abandonment. Sometimes just asking them helps. Say like... ."You know what hunny? We needs groceries soon. I was thinking Saturday afternoon would be a good time to get that done. How does that work for you? Would you like to go?"

He will probably not go, but making it sound like they had a voice in the decision can help.

this pretty well sums it up, get on with life, so that life fits around you rather than getting all wound up with whats fair and whats not.

You will probably get more cooperation if you are not trying to force things.

sure it may be frustrating at times, but frustration is better than resentment which is what happens if you make it an issue you are determined to reverse. YOU wont let it go.