parental alienation? or me being hyper vigilant

[Eco]

Hi all, I need some advice and support. More support then anything( ) as im losing patience with my ex and very worried.

Im eventually going back to court for custody modification and my ex being in contempt but Its going to be a few more months until I get the retainer for my lawyer. I just hope my daughter isn't damaged to much till then.

I have video of my ex bashing me verbally in front of my daughter so I can only imagine what she says about me when im not around. also she excludes me from everything concerning my daughter, doctors appointments ect... ive taken a assertive approach and contacted my daughters dr directly but because of work and her being 40 min away its difficult to make it there before they close. my ex goes out of her way so that I wont get even 10 seconds extra time with my daughter during visitation.

ok so my daughter is 19 months old and during the week I pick her up at daycare on tues and Thursday. up until about 2 weeks ago my daughter was very loving and playfull with me but about 2 weeks ago she started being very distant and cranky with me each week getting worse and today being the worst day yet. usually when I get there to pick her up she is excited to see me but the past 2 times she has acted like she didn't want to leave and today when she saw me she got very upset and started crying :'( . what I think happened was before I got there all the kids were singing to some music and when she saw me she knew it was time to leave and wasn't ready to yet because she was having fun. she eventually was fine and we had our normal visitation but she wasn't wanting to play with me like normal. she was doing her normal thing when we got Italian ice and feeding me 

I know that at this age her emotions are starting to kick in and she has been bothered with sinus issues over the last 3 weeks but im just worried that my ex is turning her against me. I am clearly the enemy to my ex and my daughter is starting to understand things more so im sure its not a good influence. my ex has a extremely bad temper and rages at the drop of a dime. my ex is holding a grudge against me for taking her to court to get my daughter legitimized and visitation set up. I had to go to court because of her abuse and she would keep me from seeing my daughter when she got mad at me.

what steps can I take to counter parental alienation? I have lots of good evidence against my ex and I keep a daily journal as well as save all communication we have.

I am REALLY worried that I will lose my daughter because of my ex. thank you for the help and support

[david]

I have two boys with my ex. Ex left in 2007. The boys were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. Ex dropped the boys off a few months after she left. They walked in and in unison said, "We hate you. We want to live with mom and never see you again."

I found this site, read Divorce Poison, found a T after several attempts (you need to find one that is a right fit for you? it took me about 4 or 5 before I found one), and stayed focused on our kids. The oldest boy took about two years before he started to turn around a bit. The younger took a longer. I think it is more with the age than anything else. Once they get enough skills they start to see things in a different light. It was a lot more work than I imagined but it did get easier the better I got at it.

I never denegrated their mom but I never shied away from telling them the truth. Of course, it was the truth at the age appropriate level. I became a much better parent along the way.

It does get better.

[dermo]

It could be  separation anxiety or her general exposure to hostility from mum... .stay calm... .do not knock mum and keep your parenting boundaries... .your child is too young for it to be PA but it is worth educating yourself and planning for what may happen... .google Karen Woodall who has a very good blog and also look at some of Amy Bakers stuff... .also keep a written diary of every contact... .

[Eco]

I have two boys with my ex. Ex left in 2007. The boys were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. Ex dropped the boys off a few months after she left. They walked in and in unison said, "We hate you. We want to live with mom and never see you again."

I found this site, read Divorce Poison, found a T after several attempts (you need to find one that is a right fit for you? it took me about 4 or 5 before I found one), and stayed focused on our kids. The oldest boy took about two years before he started to turn around a bit. The younger took a longer. I think it is more with the age than anything else. Once they get enough skills they start to see things in a different light. It was a lot more work than I imagined but it did get easier the better I got at it.

I never denegrated their mom but I never shied away from telling them the truth. Of course, it was the truth at the age appropriate level. I became a much better parent along the way.

It does get better.

that's awful you had to go through that and im glad it got better for you

[Eco]

It could be  separation anxiety or her general exposure to hostility from mum... .stay calm... .do not knock mum and keep your parenting boundaries... .your child is too young for it to be PA but it is worth educating yourself and planning for what may happen... .google Karen Woodall who has a very good blog and also look at some of Amy Bakers stuff... .also keep a written diary of every contact

thanks for the info, I will check that out

[david]

When it happened I was furious at ex. I never took what the boys said personnally because I knew it was coming from her.

After that incident I had the youngest always saying I am abusive and evil. That went on for a month or two. Then one day he said I was evil. I was sitting down at the time. I stood up like Frankenstein and started walking towards him saying I was an evil monster. His face lit up and I chased him through the house. That totally changed the dynamics after that. He stopped saying I was abusive and evil and instead wanted me to be the evil monster and chase him.

That was in 2008. Ex still tells him I am evil because he tells me what she says. I have found that staying focused on the kids, listening, validating, and figuring ways to defuse the bs from their mom helps a lot.

[Matt]

your child is too young for it to be PA

I'm not sure about this... .

My kids were 8 and 10 when we separated, so it was different.

But I've read some members here who had very young kids, and what the mom did was act very afraid of the dad, and say things like, "Are you afraid of Daddy?" or "Watch out - be careful around Daddy - he might hurt you."  Even a child who can't talk yet can pick up the non-verbal signals that Daddy is someone to be afraid of.

I think you're wise to look at this very carefully now, and get the court involved - maybe a therapist for the child, so there is some educated professional involved early, to minimize the risk that PA will take root - then it would be much harder to deal with.

[Eco]

When it happened I was furious at ex. I never took what the boys said personnally because I knew it was coming from her.

After that incident I had the youngest always saying I am abusive and evil. That went on for a month or two. Then one day he said I was evil. I was sitting down at the time. I stood up like Frankenstein and started walking towards him saying I was an evil monster. His face lit up and I chased him through the house. That totally changed the dynamics after that. He stopped saying I was abusive and evil and instead wanted me to be the evil monster and chase him.

That was in 2008. Ex still tells him I am evil because he tells me what she says. I have found that staying focused on the kids, listening, validating, and figuring ways to defuse the bs from their mom helps a lot.

Yeah I think that's the best way

[Eco]

your child is too young for it to be PA


I'm not sure about this... .

My kids were 8 and 10 when we separated, so it was different.

But I've read some members here who had very young kids, and what the mom did was act very afraid of the dad, and say things like, "Are you afraid of Daddy?" or "Watch out - be careful around Daddy - he might hurt you."  Even a child who can't talk yet can pick up the non-verbal signals that Daddy is someone to be afraid of.

I think you're wise to look at this very carefully now, and get the court involved - maybe a therapist for the child, so there is some educated professional involved early, to minimize the risk that PA will take root - then it would be much harder to deal with.

That's what I was concerned with, my daughter understands what you say to her very well so my ex making me look like the enemy comes across very clearly. its up to me to prove to her that im not

[david]

Another thing I used to do. If one of the boys said I was mean I would ask what they meant. What exactly did I do that was mean. Since I did nothing mean they couldn't give an example. I would usually try to introduce humor or give some kind of funny example since I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable expressing themselves. Over time this became less and less of a thing I would do. Defusing the vile from ex is important. Read Divorce Poison. That is the position that book takes and it works.