Typical - but what should I have done?

[Yaffle]

I was out for my weekly game of football (soccer) last night and enjoying a few drinks after when I got a text from my girlfriend saying could I come home as she felt really ill and thought she might need to go to hospital.  I text her back and then called her but got no reply and as she was looking after the 2 kids I though I'd better get home.  When I got home she was in with our eldest as he'd woken up but had left her phone on the bed, hence not replying.  She then said she did feel ill and was really tired so got into bed and went to sleep without mentioning hospital again. 

This sort of thing has happened before where I have to cancel arrangements or come home early as she's too ill to look after the kids but she's never been too ill to not go out when she's made arrangements (she met friends for lunch yesterday).

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[survivalmode27]

She honestly probably did feel ill, with anxiety and fear of abandonment. My BPDH used to be the life of the party, he now wants to go nowhere and I still have the desire to be social. So when I chose to be social, even if it well planned and with my Mom, so nothing that should cause insecurity, he is very hateful and negative before I leave and either doesn't speak to me or verbally abuses me.  He has admitted in therapy that he can not stand for me to physically not be home.

Sucks. I have read that if you are very strict with your plans and tell them exactly when you are going to be home and make sure that you are home at that exact time, they get better. If you can do that. I tried it and then if I was 5-10 minutes late all hell broke loose. So now I just say I don't know when I will be home and pay the price.

[Yaffle]

That sounds very familiar.  I get grief if I'm five minutes late home from work despite having to negotiate traffice into town.  I've now started finishing work earlier and popping to the local pub as I can judge my arrival time easier from there.  I don't want to start getting home earlier as this would be my new expected arrival time

[formflier]

That sounds very familiar.  I get grief if I'm five minutes late home from work despite having to negotiate traffice into town.  I've now started finishing work earlier and popping to the local pub as I can judge my arrival time easier from there.  I don't want to start getting home earlier as this would be my new expected arrival time

Is there a pattern of you responding and her leaving her phone somewhere... ."accidentally"?

I recommend getting rid of text to conduct a r/s.  I only use it now for grocery list items... .or... ."be home in 10 min... ."

If I need to communicate an issue... .I do it in person... .or at a min on the phone

[wilsonian]

Yaffle... .control... .my dBPDw was a pro at the illness thing when we were going through the dark-side of BPD(as I call it now)... .survivalmode hit the nail on the head... .I believe... the anxiety my wife has and panic disorder can actually get so bad that the mental effects the physical... but with a BPD they soon learn how to use that to control the situation and the ones in there life... .at least that's been my experience... .just my two cents worth...

[takingandsending]

Hi Yaffle.

My uBPDw often does this as well. Can't seem to manage a two hour meeting in the evening at my son's school when she is at home alone with the 2 kids. To be fair, she drops them off and picks them up from school, too, so it makes for a long evening. I began figuring out that none of this had anything to do with me being gone or not when I was away on business travel for a few days and invariably, she would be just fine until the day that I was to return home, at which point I'd start getting phone calls/texts/e-mails about how she could not manage another moment, was ill, was exhausted, was at the end of her rope.

I think, for me, I needed to get really honest about what I was allowing by reacting to the drama. I actually began feeling a sinking dread every time I would go out and take any time for myself (aside from work, which is "my free time". I probably subconsciously forgot to turn up volume on phone (which had been turned down to avoid pissing of my wife when my alarm chimes in the morning) several times or sometimes forgot my phone, just to avoid the hateful messages I would get from her.

I am attending an evening Family to Family peer mentoring class for families living with pw mental illness, consisting of twelve 2 hour evening meetings. Sure enough, first meeting, after discussing it with her at length - are you all right with this, SET for why I am doing it, what can we do so that you are supported while I am away - I get multiple texts after the first hour that I have to come home immediately. I texted back "no - the meeting won't end until 8:30 p.m." And that was pretty much it. She hasn't texted or had any drama since that exchange. I have offered to help her get support for the nights of these 12 meetings. I don't want her snapping or blowing up at the kids or otherwise freaking them out because she is in heightened emotional arousal due to her fears of abandonment. In the end, she hasn't really needed it.

Mostly, I would just encourage you to consider the ways your life has changed living with a pwBPD. In my case, I could see how isolated I had become and how little I did outside of my wife or kids for myself. And I had to accept that I had chosen that. I am responsible for how I have reacted to my wife's demands and dramas. So now, I am really working hard to make different (and hopefully, better) choices for myself. I think that is key in coming out of the FOG.

[wilsonian]

yes taking!... I still contribute the past three months of peace to I started to control my own reactions to my emotions I was feeling in day to day life with my dBPDw... .stop... look... listen... then act

[Yaffle]

Thanks for the replies.  I think I need to harden up a bit at times.  I'm a very trusting person and take things at face value.  Where she's concerned I might need to change that.  Re the phone, she often doesn't reply as she's too busy or left it in her bag so can't hear etc whereas there's hell to pay if I don't reply almost immediately even though I usually have my phone on silent (partially so it doesn't disturb work colleagues but also so I don't get questioned everytime it beeps)

[takingandsending]

Hi Yaffle.

Yes, I don't think there will ever be a time where there isn't a double standard from my pwBPD. I am not certain if I am hardening myself to my wife or (hopefully) trying to soften myself to my own needs. If I could choose, I'd choose the latter. She hasn't asked to have this illness. It developed and took root the way that it did long before I ever met her. But, I have to learn to do a better job of working through my own enabling/poor coping mechanisms, which means, amongst other things, having consistent reasonable boundaries.

You aren't wrong for taking time for yourself. Being clear and consistent with that message to your gf might help both of you.

[Yaffle]

Similar happened again last night.  She'd had a bad day stressing about her mum's health and our one son had a tantrum in town.  When I went to get ready for football she was lying in bed saying she couldn't breathe properly.  I was back down stairs when I heard a bump on the floor upstairs.  I went up to check and found her lying on the floor.  I asked what she was doing but got no response until I tried to pick her up when she said as she couldn't breathe she'd put her self in the recovery position.  She then came down stairs and started shouting about how I didn't care and was never there for her etc (and there was me thinking she was struggling for breath!).   

When I got in she started again saying that I don't care etc.  I managed to calm her down a bit and it turns out she was meant to be doing something with a friend today but she'd cancelled for the second time.  For a while she started blaming the friend but then it came to 'I really needed to talk to someone but now I've got no one ... .'  And off we went again!

Oh well - we won our football!

[takingandsending]

Congratulations on the win. It is surprising how quickly BPD can add energy to a person! All the more reason to stop adding your energy into the dynamic. Sounds like you had good boundaries. Have you been able to carve our time for unwinding with friends as you were wanting?

Although it's hard to understand, there is a good YouTube that explains the chain reaction effect in BPD, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kmtu-ZSqTBU (look at about 37 minutes into the video for this description). Your girlfriend was experiencing a similar chain reaction of initial event followed by an avalanche of thoughts that led to her anxiety attack, being prone on the floor and short of breath. I hope that this information helps.

[Indyan]

If I need to communicate an issue... .I do it in person... .or at a min on the phone

Ideally, that's what I think too. But when they really can't control themselves, writing can end up being the only option we have left to say what we need to say.

[formflier]

what we need to say.

Does it really need to be said.

Most of the time it doesn't...  

If may feel good for us to say it... but many times when I thought something "needed" to be said there was an emotion behind it... .an emotion that was triggered by some BPD trait my wife just displayed.

Best to not take it personally... .and leave them alone.

[Indyan]

what we need to say.

Does it really need to be said.

Most of the time it doesn't...  

If may feel good for us to say it... but many times when I thought something "needed" to be said there was an emotion behind it... .an emotion that was triggered by some BPD trait my wife just displayed.

Best to not take it personally... .and leave them alone.

Yes, that's true.

And I guess that's why we're not communicating anymore.

Because on my side I'm not reacting anymore.

And on his because he can't be alone in playing games anymore.

And now... .there's nothing. Which IS an improvement, don't get me wrong.

But this void scares me a little. It feels like something has to pop up sooner or later. I'm becoming suspicious.

It can't be just peace. I might be preparing his weapons or something.

Or he's REALLY depressed... .confusing, really confusing.