Painting a child black

[mssalty]

What do you do when your SO starts painting your child black, talking about them in absolute terms (they always/never do _______) and comparing them to other kids, failing to recognize behavior is a) individual, b) subject to change, and c) based on age?   

It's hard enough to cope with as an adult. 

[david]

My xBPDw and I are divorced. She painted our youngest black in certain ways. She basically kept telling him he was not smart and would not do well in school when he firsat went to kindergarten. It was never blatant but he understood very well what she was saying. It took me two plus years to convince him he was smart. I stayed focused on his needs and countered what she kept saying/doing to him. Whenever I saw an opportunity to correct her damaging comments and actions I took whatever approach I thought was appropriate at that instant.

Our son went to kindergarten and I thought he was not ready yet and should go to pre k. Courts sided with mom since she was custodial parent. He repeated kindergarten. He never openly said anything but I could see it in his actions. He would get angry doing homework and he "hated" school. Ex had him tested the second year of kindergarten. The results were inconclusive but ex insisted he be given an IEP. He went to first grade and his teacher questioned the IEP. He went to second grade and his teacher questioned the IEP. Fortunately I had a few allies at the school by then. I had him tested again and he scored very high and was placed in the accelerated program. He is in fifth grade now and is doing very good. His confidence has skyrocketed and I no longer have problems with him doing homework when he is with me. Ex still has the same issues with him that she had since he started school.

Read Divorce Poison. It says you need to take a head on approach with these kinds of problems. It takes perseverence but it does pay off.

[Indyan]

What do you do when your SO starts painting your child black, talking about them in absolute terms (they always/never do _______) and comparing them to other kids, failing to recognize behavior is a) individual, b) subject to change, and c) based on age?   

It's hard enough to cope with as an adult. 

Oh geez they do this? I dread that he might do this one day to our baby... .

[merlin4926]

do they really paint children black and split them?  I wondered if children can adore them (because they dont see what adults can) whether relationships are more successful.

[Harri]

A parent with BPD can and will pull the usual crap with the children.  Whether painted black or white it is hell for a kid.  The non parent may not know the extent to which it happens if they spend most of the day in work.  Often BPD parents are very good with infants and little toddlers as they can gaze adoringly at the parent... .once they start to develop a personality and start to detach, the BPD will start in on them. 

Please read "understanding the Borderline Mother" to get an idea of what the kids are in for.

Take a look over at the Coping and healing board here.

It is vital that the child has access to a supportive, *validating* adult who can give them unconditional love.

[david]

Harri makes a very good point. When our boys were infants their mom was their center. As they started thinking for themselves she couldn't adjust and now has no real relationship with them.

I have SS's. They are from ex's first marriage. In the last two years they have been talking to me about their childhood and teen years. They have thanked me for a lot of things when ex and I were together and how I supported them. They brought up very specific events, some of which I don't remember, and how their mom made them feel and how I stood up for them. I never realized how much impact I had on them back then.

[Harri]

David, it is wonderful to know you were a positive presence in the boys lives.  The non parent/SO/other who provides a validating and positive and safe haven is so vital.  Obviously, I am biased, but I think, in this particular matter, it is right.  I take every opportunity I can to speak out about it to those who ask and to those who are so obviously trying to do right by the child.  

It is an incredibly difficult role, but so very vital.  

Well done David!  I have had a few people who were able to help me along the way.  I wish they were still here so I could thank them.  The next best thing I can do is try to be a voice for those kids who are caught up in the chaos and to support those parents/caregivers/SOs who want to help.