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Author Topic: I had to call the cops last night...  (Read 423 times)
Wanda
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Relationship status: in second marriage for 20 years on valentines day
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« on: October 11, 2014, 08:12:12 AM »

Well last time we talked I said    I said I was doing well. Then this happened guess I talked to soon. My husband been edgy this past two day he don, t like change. And my oldest who is challenged and 30 finally moving out  Smiling (click to insert in post) with other challenged people but my husband use to my daughter over alot due to her taking care of my son. Like I said change. It was like he needed to release his anger something he hasn, t done in a while. My sister always talk about now due to the weather change bipolar people have a hard time. Anyway last night one thing led to another. Edgy with my son then started just swearing. I had my grandaughter there and my daughter and him started fighting yelling. Then my husband pushed we tried to get away he was right there. So after a while of this I had to call the cops first time in years... .and my daughter hoping he will get help made the cops cit him . Now he will have a court date and pay his punishment. Hope therapy but will that work not for BPD but maybe he will learn he can, t do what he did. I spent the night at my daughters. I am working today . But then what? I haven, t talked to him yet. But I have to go home . No one knows about his BPD we had to tell the cops. So they knew.my husband doesn, t even know. What a mess and of coarse no one to talk to due to no one knows.  not sure soon I will have to call or something we need to go home.or should I just show up never done this before where I stayed somewhere eles. He actually never was cited before my daughter did this something I should of done long time ago.
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KateCat
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« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2014, 08:30:14 AM »

Wanda, thank you for posting this. I always find your posts courageous and honest. And good guideposts to the future for people newly struggling with mentally ill spouses.

This sounds like a real fork in the road for everyone. Kind of a changing of the generations, maybe. Do you have an individual counselor of your own to help guide you through this unsettled time?   
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sweetheart
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« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2014, 08:41:46 AM »

I'm really sorry this has happened Wanda. Therein lies the unpredictable nature of BPD.

You must be feeling upset given that you had posted things were going well. The whole situation sounds really stressful.

I have had to call the police on my husband many times. I have called them so many times now they know him and our situation really well. I have never had to press charges as nothing was ever directed at me. Usually he would either spend the night in cells calming down or go to a mental health unit for a psych eval the next day. I would pick him up from wherever he was the next day. My dBPDh is well linked in with our local mental health team so he would then be followed up at home for a while after. Calling the police has always been a positive intervention for us and it is a boundary issue for me as well. That said in the short term it was v difficult for my h to deal with, and I used to feel v worried because I didn't understand the system.

It's hard being away from home and not knowing what is going on.

I live in the UK so I don't know what a citation is or what that means for your husband. You said things have been well for sometime, but as you are well aware the impact of your son leaving home is having an impact in destabilising your husband.

I am assuming your h is at home, why don't you phone him see how things are. He undoubtedly will be struggling from how this is making him feel so he may dysregulate further.

What makes you think that you should have done this along time ago ? What are the possible outcomes from this for your husband?

I hope there is a positive outcome for your family from this.

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Wanda
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Relationship status: in second marriage for 20 years on valentines day
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« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2014, 09:00:18 AM »

Thanks for the replies I went to counseling 15 years ago that is when I found out about BPD. For a year I had to learn those tools and such. 15 years ago it was horrible I was held hostage in my own home things are so much better now. I called the cops back then just didn, t press charges and I should of press charges back then. A citation means he has to show up at court for this and he might have to take classes pay money it is what the judge orders. I am sure he is scared mad. The worst thing is he didn, t care our four year old grandaughter was scared she wasn, t use to seeing grandpa this way... .
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KateCat
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« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2014, 09:13:59 AM »

I hope there are some good resources available to the court where you live. A judge once told me she had ordered a man to anger management classes, and later he sent her a letter thanking her for making his life better and his family happier. I know that doesn't happen too often, but it seems the courses can offer effective practices for emotional management for people who are open to hearing them.

"Scared mad" is a great description, isn't it?
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sweetheart
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« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2014, 09:52:12 AM »

'Scared mad' certainly captures the essence of it with my h.

Like KateCat said a lot will depend on the resources at the courts disposal. Here in the UK they can call in whomever they choose etc, I imagine the same would b true most places.

Sounds like things were pretty bad in the past Wanda, I can identify with that, just coming through the other side of some serious chaos.

When a person with BPD dysregulates it is awful to see that they are just not capable in that moment of halting that escalation no matter who is in the vicinity.

Let's hope your h can be receptive to what might be offered. Do you have any thoughts about how he might manage this ?
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Wanda
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« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2014, 12:34:17 PM »

My husband is. A 29 year recovered A.A he went to see a phycitrist before so did I that is when I found out about B.P.D  he did improve due to my tools and boundaries. Taking an actual angermanament class if he has to might help but actual admitting to a personality disorder he would never due to being high functioning. He won, t admit to taking meds eithier.
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sweetheart
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« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2014, 12:58:24 PM »

Anger Management might be enough given that your husbands BPD behaviours have been ok for a while now. Training like this might give your h some tools to deescalate his behaviour in the future. It would be very positive if he would agree to something like this.

How about you Wanda, how are you feeling in the aftermath of all this ? And your daughter ?
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Wanda
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« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2014, 01:29:31 PM »

I don, t think he will agree on own. He will have to be ordered to go. But not sure there are angermanament classes here to take. And this is his first offence.  I am doing fine actually my daughter and I are ok we plan a run tomorrow. And life goes on I am sure my husband is feeling remorse his temper is decelerating . He is starting to come down. But he has to face yetwhat he has done... .
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Wanda
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Relationship status: in second marriage for 20 years on valentines day
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« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2014, 08:02:18 AM »

Well he is still deregulated usually it last three days it has been a long time since he was diregulated I mean like 6 years ago. Where back then about every three months he acts out it wasn, t till I got on here someone asked why do I answer all his calls I at that time set stronger boundarie, and it finally stopped . He is alone now alot due to me not answering his calls. And being gone alot he works tonight overnights so us even seeing each other isn, t often. He will regret this halloween we planned something he can, t go it is over my daughters. And the day after I am still doing what I want without him. I am heading to a run now doing what I want and taking care of me letting him stew and be how he is... .that is important for those who are going through this. Take care of u... .they choose to act out not u.when u change things they have to... .hope I am helping u... .
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KateCat
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« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2014, 08:22:35 AM »

Wanda, you are doing really well at a tough, tough time. . . . and I do think you are helping people by posting here. Many people just starting out their lives as partners do not understand how long this road is. You are one of the veterans who has been faithfully showing people the way, with your updates. And you are doing that right now.

Stay strong.
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Wanda
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Relationship status: in second marriage for 20 years on valentines day
Posts: 2584



« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2014, 08:42:16 PM »

update...

Well we read about the cit this could really affect him i guess in nebraska they don't mess around with verbal assault, and actually my daughter who was mad at him for saying what he said in front of my grandchild was no better, due to her arguing and hitting him. i didn't see who started it my main concern was my granddaughter , to me they both were at fault... but i couldn't tell my daughter this... .so tomorrow she has decided to try to drop all charges she doesn't know the outcome and she doesn't want anything bad to happen. just for him to go to counseling. i told her he won't admit to BPD but maybe anger yes. after talking we plan to meet with his mom of all people to be a mediator. he  has agreed to counseling, that it was a little out of control he needs to get his anger under control., but my daughter also agreed to counseling, hopefully she will go.  my husband of coarse wants me to go for my control  issues the only control is i set boundaries and such ,,i am like Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). what ever! but i do agree i need maybe someone to talk to about things regarding him and his BPD.

we read also this might not get dropped they just don;t drop domestic abuse charges it is early and we are hoping to get to it  in time.

my husband is planning to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. what a mess is all i have to say and over what? i think i was the only calm one in this and i am in the middle.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2014, 12:53:39 PM »

  I'm glad you are maintaining your cool and your boundaries.

You know you can't control either your H or your daughter.

I understand your desire for your H to get some counseling / anger management / therapy / something... .and your daughter's desire for it too. I'm don't have much trust in the court system doing a good job of making that happen if he's not interested.

I hope this doesn't disrupt your home and family too badly. 
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Wanda
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Relationship status: in second marriage for 20 years on valentines day
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« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2014, 05:26:54 PM »

Thanks grey kitty.

I hope it doesn, t disrupt things either we have alot happening with halloween c omming up . To bad my husband can, t join. I need my husband and daughter to cool down. And of coarse u got that black and white stuff going on something I haven, t seen for a while either. My daughter said she would go to counseling but she doesn, t think she has a anger problem. And she does. But like I tell my husband do what he needs and remember u can bring a horse to water but u can, t make him drink.we are suppose to mediate with his mo tomorrow . I hope It all goes well. Geez! All I know is I am getting to old for this... my daughter doesn, t see she has a problem so she could say she is checking into counseling at school and say she found something. Saves money right .?
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