such sadness

[Rockylove]

I was a C.A.S.A. for several years.  I had 3 cases.  They were all very difficult, but the last case was a young gal that had 6 children with a BPDbf.  After that case I decided to "rest" a while and regroup.  I've never gone back.  I see the devastation that BPD's can cause in a home.  I've advocated for the children.  I wish I could do it again, but I feel that now I'm advocating for my husband~~the child that was abused and neglected and abandoned.  I'm such an idealist that I believe something can be done... .anything... .don't do nothing because there are so many people effected.  *sigh*

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Rockylove what you say has a very poignant resonance for me, fundamentally this is the main reason I stay. No matter what I know intellectually about this disorder, emotionally it has me on a whole other level.

[tricia.e]

I am not sure of the thread here. I was drawn to the subject as I am overwhelmed by shame and sorrow of losing my BPD husband of 27 years and the regret of letting him go as internal confusion has set in. I feel no competency in getting my son through this loss as well. I am unsure of my own ability to know what is healthy or not. My 19 year old son sleeps all day and is up all night. He is acting as if all is well. He will not go to therapy. He is unable to get a job or go to school. He has lost most of his friends and has never been in a healthy relationship with a female. It could be for a number of different reasons. I don't know what to do. I feel he is fighting to regroup from the loss of his father who he attached so much of his identity to. He was enmeshed completely. It was a daily battle to maintain some semblance of autonomy but when the object of resistance is gone... .helplessness and anxiety has set in. Who am I if I am not the object lifted, adored, disdained and controlled by my father/husband? I don't know how to make him go to therapy. I don't know what is normal anymore. My apologies if this is not pertinent to this thread and if inappropriate.

[Rockylove]

I know I can't fix him.  I know that there are challenges.  But I also know that there is a small boy in there that just wants to be nurtured.  That doesn't take much.  All in all, I think I have it easier than a lot of folks.  He responds well to love and I have lots of it to give.  I've set boundaries... .he's crossed them, but only once (of course he invents new ways to upset the apple cart) and I'm happy with who I am and how life is.  Some things suck and others don't.  It's the way of the world.

[tricia.e]

I suppose my prior post was a response to understanding of the need to stay. I don't think it was the best decision for all of us... .to leave the relationship.

[Rockylove]

I don't know how to make him go to therapy. I don't know what is normal anymore. My apologies if this is not pertinent to this thread and if inappropriate.

ANYTHING is appropriate.  If something I say sparks conversation, I'm glad.  I'm sorry that things are tough with your son.  You can't MAKE someone go to therapy and if you actually do it by nature of your parental right (him being a minor if the case) there will be resistance and you'll waste your money.  Is there any trusted adult in his life that he will talk to?  It's sometimes more difficult to open up to a parent.  Even if it's not a therapist, some words of wisdom may spark something in him if it's a trusted adult.

[Rockylove]

I suppose my prior post was a response to understanding of the need to stay. I don't think it was the best decision for all of us... .to leave the relationship.

There are times when we do things that seem right at the moment... .and trusting our instincts is often difficult, but I've found that most often they are correct.  If you left to protect your child... .you did the right thing no matter how awful it feels at times.  I'm sure you'll go through a tidal wave of emotions about it... .we'll all be here for you!

[tricia.e]

Thank you. I doubt myself so much. My son is 19 though in some ways so much still a child. Confused and in denial. Floundering. I can't seem to help him. I don't know what to do. His BPD father would force him to act, instilling confidence in retrospect he was actually instilling narcissism, in no way preparing him for real life. I lost sight of what was healthy. My son seems incapable of any self reliance now. I guess I need to not be co-dependent with my son but I cannot do much right now anyway as I am still devastated myself. I am unbelievably sad and missing a life that was filled with turmoil in which I had a cause. I need to make the cause my own healing. I need to know I am worth that. guilt is crippling.

[Rockylove]

guilt is crippling.

yes... it is.  I've started working with a therapist and the feeling good handbook.  I've started an art journal and a regular workbook journal.  It's helping.  I'd encourage you to focus your attention on you.  Perhaps your son will benefit from you regaining your health.