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Loosestrife
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« on: October 11, 2014, 04:06:34 PM »

My BPD partner keeps packing her things and moving out every time she get triggered.  I have tried everything. Any advice on this?

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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Rockylove
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« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2014, 05:18:08 PM »

change the locks
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« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2014, 05:25:45 PM »

My BPD partner keeps packing her things and moving out every time she get triggered.  I have tried everything. She even did it on holiday abroad which was a nightmare. Any advice on this?

How does she get back in?  As in ... .how does the argument end.  The key is to change the way you deal with it.  Which changes the "reaction" that your partner is getting... which should help the r/s go in the right direction.

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nightmoves
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« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2014, 06:24:55 PM »

My BPDw has done that so many times I cannot even count.

Whenever she gets triggered and enraged (like a 10 second transformation) she storms out.

Not permanent type of out th edoor... .but it i always with HIGH drama/anger.

I would REALLY let it affect me.

Now... .not so much... .and Low and Behold... .happens MUCH less.

That alone ... .really upsets me that part of it was for effect. Or yank around. Or control.
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2014, 11:37:43 AM »

At first I would try to reason and now I would just sit quietly and calmly which seems to anger them more as they are kit getting a reaction. Once I tried leaving and said I was just going for a walk and would be back in an hour. They couldn't handle it and packed and left whilst I was out. It's quiet scary to see someone rage. Sometimes I can clam things by going in another room and pretending it doesn't bother me, but other times it's like they are on auto pilot and just pack and leave. When they become verbally aggressive I am careful as before now they have threatened to hit me if I don't move out of the way (and they have carried out the threat once before). I have been firm re: limits and said I will not be shouted and cursed at and intimidated with silence and stomping around , this also results in them taking off. Last time I asked for my keys back. Nothing seems to work so I can't see us buying an apartment together as I don't trust them
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2014, 11:44:25 AM »

... .And I have validated until the cows come home! Within a few days they are in contact again acting like the victim I.e they can't help it and then the martyr I.e I'm better off without them. Then they get angry and upset when I don't converse and eventually they apologise and the cycle starts again with a period of good behaviour until the bad mood comes around again... .
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« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2014, 02:07:02 PM »

 

Did they refuse to give keys back when you asked?


I'm still not clear on how the argument ends... .and they get back in the house... .?
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2014, 08:18:10 PM »

Louise.  You are asking for advice, but based on your additional replies perhaps that the advice your are seeking may not have to do with leaving situation, but with the relationship in general.  You may want to take a look at the sidebar of the Undecided board - it's called Choosing a Path.

If your partner is BPD and you are asking, what can you do that will not trigger them?  The short answer is nothing, because anything you do might trigger them.
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AnnaK
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« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2014, 09:02:50 PM »

Mine had that problem. Once he started dramatic packing, but I sat in front of the exit door, and just informed him calmly that to go out at this time of the night to "sleep on the street", as he is suggesting, he'd have to move my body of 80 kilos from the door first.  Then I put on earphones with music and closed my eyes.

He calmed down, said "okay, you are a b___ so I am not leaving", also went to Internet, then went to sleep soon. 

Since then I don't remember any dramatic packing episodes... .

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2014, 09:04:39 PM »

Did they refuse to give keys back when you asked?


I'm still not clear on how the argument ends... .and they get back in the house... .?

Yes, they give keys back when asked and on those times they don't come home. Then we recycle again a week later
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2014, 09:10:22 PM »

Ugghh- thanks, this is helpful:)

Annak - I tried that and that and it just escalated
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AnnaK
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« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2014, 09:16:20 PM »

Ugghh- thanks, this is helpful:)

Annak - I tried that and that and it just escalated

Escalated - and then what? They can't rage forever. The door is blocked, you are not responding. What then?
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AnnaK
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« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2014, 09:18:55 PM »

I suppose we are in fact talking about the boundary here.

"You are not going to leave right now because it is unsafe for you - and anyway the last 10 times you came back in a week".

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AnnaK
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« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2014, 09:20:54 PM »

Ah, yeah, I forgot.

Another simple tecnique - install a latch on the door of her personal room so that instead of leaving she can lock her room (from you) and get some personal space.

Our dramatic walkouts gradually evolved into dramatic latch-locking (which is obviously better)... .
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AnnaK
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« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2014, 09:27:31 PM »

There was a lot of stuff happening for us here, so I can't really say what stopped dramatic packing.

We got flat on his name and we got separate rooms and each room has a latch. So since the beginning, he started to lock the latch instead of storming out.

I know that when I was a teenager, I was also prone to dramatic walkouts (from my parents) - until I got a latch on my room's door. Then I modified the behaviour to locking the latch "forever" (until I calm down, yeah).

So it's like about 2 confirmed cases already... .
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #15 on: October 14, 2014, 02:58:49 PM »

Annak - thanks for the suggestions. When I say escalated I mean they were violent towards me. I think the latch is a go idea, but then it has made me realise that I don't want a relationship when we have to lock doors in the home. I think I want a relationship with a healthy person.
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AnnaK
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« Reply #16 on: October 14, 2014, 11:26:50 PM »

Well, we have locked doors at home all the time - either he isolates from me, or I lock my latch when he gets  out of control.

I am physically capable of fighting him off - I do martial arts - but it does not mean that I want to have a street fight at home.

Even still, I find locked doors better than that the person I love would sleep on the street, in the office, in the car or in other inadequate places.

Besides, him staying at home facilitates further reconciliations.
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AnnaK
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« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2014, 11:47:59 PM »

Another... .

I guess I recently heard a couple of threats to "leave this house forever because I can't live in the same house with the person like you" (like me, that is).

Then there was the beginning of the dramatic part: "So that's the end... .Take care... ." - but I cut it down with this: "You are free to go - just remember that you can come back any time after you change your mind".

He probably thought better - there was no walkout... .

I am also ignoring in the same way the kickouts and periodic breakups (that are still happening occasionally)... .I just decided I dont have to believe it after so many recycles. I just take his "you are done, get out of my life forever" as equivalent to "get out of sight until I calm down"
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #18 on: October 16, 2014, 12:35:23 PM »

Annak- how long has kept been like this and how long do you think you can continue? I used to get very upset at being dumped every few weeks burst like you said, I just got used to it and said 'see you when you've calmed down' or okay, you can come back at any time if you want to', but that just made me feel like a walkover the behaviour just continued. The only way to get them to take notice was to have consequences to their actions and that was to lose me... .
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AnnaK
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« Reply #19 on: October 16, 2014, 10:41:18 PM »

We had our first living together experience in 2007. Then he was doing walkouts on me and it was very painful.

We recycled in 2013. By then even my mom knew he was prone to dramatic walkouts ("Again he left? But does not he always? Then why do you worry?"

In 2013 I came to his country for 1 month and then I was treated to walkout for my birthday Smiling (click to insert in post)

He came back in a few hours though, and next time when he tried to walk out again, I blocked the exit.

Then again we were long-distance for entire year. We kept contact, but with periodic breakups (every 2 months). Eventually I adjusted to the cycle and even started warning - watch out, this week you are supposed to break up with me ;-) Or "congratulations, we just passed the scheduled breakup for this month, now we have 2 months more of relationship" :-)

I have read somewhere, that BPD who recycled even once, will always recycle - so I stopped making a tragedy and just wait for recycle, it always happens and I just take it matter-of-factly ("Oh, you are again talking to me! Okay, that's nice, let's continue!"

Since we got a flat on his name, walkouts got replaced by kickouts of me. I knew what would happen, but for some time I was forced to lift my butt from the chair and do the simulation of leaving to make him chase me (he always chased)

So it went for 3 months of my previous visit. But this time I resented, we talked about this scenario of kickout-chase, and I just said since you always chase, and we both know you are going to chase, so we both know it's a fake kickout - from this point on I am going to ignore your kickouts - if you want, you can try to remove the 72-kilos woman kicking and screaming from the flat by force - but I will really enjoy watching how you are going to do it.

Since then it stopped.

PS: I pretty much can continue forever "like this", because he always recycles. Faced with breakup in any shape (walkout, kickout, email notice of the type "you are done get out of my life!" etc.), I just shrug and wait for recycle (I have enough things to do, to use my free time). He seems to have gotten accustomed to my attitude, and also he seems to have gotten some insight into his own behaviour pattern - because he now just recycles without hesitation as soon as he's ready - he might be BPD, but no way an idiot Smiling (click to insert in post) ... .

PPS: it probably won't stop entirely. My priority is safety. It was highly unsafe for him to do dramatic walkouts - he would get into trouble like drunk fight, or into a silly situation like sleeping on the office floor (imagine the faces of his coworkers). Kickouts were better in that sense - whatever I do after I leave the house, I don't get in drunk fights :-)

Now I have realised that after kickouts were ruled out, he'll probably again take to trying to sleep in his car - I will have to see it... .it's not been enough time.

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #20 on: October 18, 2014, 04:43:39 AM »

Annak- you have found a way that works for you. Good luck on your journey and take care
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