I suspect my wife to have a BPD

[noah125]

The biggest problem and a continued rage for a couple of days continues if I talk to any of my siblings. For her they are not "my family" once I'm married. She want me her and our eight and half month child to be the beginning and the end of the world as far as social communication is concerned. Other family members should be met or communicated very rarely for a child's birthday or Christmas alone. I really find it hard to tame her out of her rages. When she gets enraged she even disengages herself from the child too. I've to make sure of comforting him and feeding him etc... .Please help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bair]

Welcome Noah,

I am glad you are here. You have my sympathy. It is very hard to keep bone's head on straight in the midst of an extended rage. It is good to hear that you are so mindful of your son's needs.

There is a lot of compassion and wisdom in this place that can help with dealing with your situation.

[Mutt]

 

Hi noah125,

I would like to join Bair and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear about your w's behaviors. You feel isolated, confused and frustrated. I'm glad that you have found us.

You have known your family for years. These are people that you trust. She feels insecure and is cutting you off from healthy support. You have found a place where members understand. We've are or have been behind the same closed doors where the acting out happens.

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

Do you have a D or a S? How is your child coping?


Hang in there.


--Mutt

[Moselle]

Hi Noah125  

Let me echo the sentiments of those already welcoming you. The amount of information may seem overwhelming at first, but just stick at it and it will begin to make sense over time.

No-body asks for this in their lives,  and when it happens it can be very disconcerting, but there is hope and when we apply the tools and lessons on this website, it can make a difference.

What do you mean by "I find it really hard to tame her out of her rages"?

Keep posting.

[noah125]

Thank you all for the support. Me and my wife have been married for nearly two years now, we have an a nine month old son who is very happy and healthy. She is happy as long as we are isolated from society and especially family. Since we started living together I've heard her phone ring three or four times only.

The first blow that knocked me out was her request to remove my moms and dad's picture. When I told her that these are the people who are responsible to get us here in this world and we should respect them and we should get her parents' pictures to and hang them in the house , her response was "I will feel I'm living in someone else's house if I see their picture" . I thought I may be wrong and complied. Then when we got our son she posted his and his cousins picture on her Facebook page where she has 275 friends, I've only 18 and I don't use it a lot. I was surprised and asked her how come his cousins became part of a family now when our parents are not? The argument goes on and on... .She still doesn't have our picture on her Facebook. I really get confused and even went counseling on my own.

For Moselle, when I said taming her out of her rage means taking the guilty verdict on myself again and again just to bring peace in the house.

Thank you all again. Please keep on these helpful support.

[Moselle]

When I said taming her out of her rage means taking the guilty verdict on myself again and again just to bring peace in the house.

OK. At least you're aware LOL. Did taking the blame make any difference to her raging?

[noah125]

Yes it did calm her down for the time being.But I'm worried that this can not continue forever as I will be stressed out from not being myself.

[Moselle]

Yes it did calm her down for the time being. But I'm worried that this can not continue forever as I will be stressed out from not being myself.

Noah125, you have made a bold step to speak out on a forum like this, and I can see from your response that you are still in a place where you are troubled by this situation. The good news is that it can get better. It does get better, but we need to learn the things to make it get better for ourselves. Have you had a chance to look at the board that Mutt referred you to. The "Staying board", there are many experts there with the skills to help you do this.

How would you like to be supported?

From a personal perspective, I spent 14 years, hoping that I could give mine something that would calm her down. A car, house, therapy, accepting blame for things, pretending that everything was fine.

However I've realised that when I do so, I hand over power to someone with a serious mental illness. Why? There are lots of answers to that which can come later, but the big question I ask you now is:

If you know something is wrong, why do you accept blame for something you are not responsible for? and allow it to stress yourself out and become all twisted out of shape, and exhausted by it?

Also it sounds like you are not comfortable with becoming isolated from your family, why are you allowing it?

[noah125]

I can't tolerate when some one I live together is enraged day in day out and that gives me much more pain. That is why I give in most of the times. I'm trying to communicate with family as much as I can but sit is always an uphill battle.

I'm here to learn the coping mechanisms which have been tried by others as well as to understand the situation I'm in from the perspective of the community.

One most important aspect of me coming here is to get help understanding her mindset so that I remain prepared for any eventuality. I feel I'm very open person and it takes a long long time to understand her thinking if I could even be able to do it.

I will follow the board I'm referred to thank you all.

[Moselle]

Well done Noah125. That post sounds like you are reaching out to family now too. That must feel so frustrating, when family feels like an uphill battle. Do you feel lonely? That was my first emotion when I recognised all of this stuff. 

In that post you are expressing a boundary. "I can't tolerate when some one I live together is enraged day in day out". OK fair enough.

What are your options/choices when it starts?

1. Stay and listen and accept the blame.

2. Politely excuse yourself, to take care of an errand that you forgot about.

3. Rage back.

4. Repeat the words, "I'm not willing to discuss this right now"

Which do you think are healthy options?

[noah125]

I believe that politely excusing oneself and taking a break should be the best option, though it feels you've no one when it continues for a couple of days.

Sometimes when she is calmer and trying to start the argument that I feel is totally irrational I mention to her that it is indicated on the book which my counselor had prescribed for me a year ago. "Stop walking on egg shell". Of course she tells me that my counselor is wrong but I believe I have made her think that there might something out of the ordinary in her, I also mention to her that our lives are too short to spend it fighting one another let us try to keep ourselves happy and at peace as god wants us to be.

I'm sure with the help I'm getting from this forum added with my counseling it will get better or I will have a good understanding of which way to go.

Thank you

[Moselle]

2 and 4 are both healthy. 

The key is that it is our boundary not a rule.

A rule might be "You can't rage at me". This gives the power straight back to them. Because they'll break he rule as if to say "so what? "

A boundary says. "If you continue to rage at me, I'm going to have to leave this conversation."And if hey continue, leave. This takes control back because we own the consequence not them. 

I really feel for you when it lasts days, weeks or months. It tests the very limits of our strength

[noah125]

I'd taken few pictures on my iPad of our 9 month old child this morning. We'd him in a Haloween costume and as she wanted to show it her coworkers she emailed it to herself, while doing that she sow some family and friend emails which we just personal nothing related to any affair. One was sent to a younger brother who happened to have disappeared over the phone or email and the other was a young family friend whom I knew for six years just checking on me.

I'd gone out to get her prescription filled out and get some medicine from the minute clinic as I was feeling cold and congested. When I came back home in an hour everything was changed she wouldn't talk to me. She had changed her close to go to the hair salon and was leaving without even saying "hi". I persuaded her by following her to her walkin closet and she told me to check my email. I told her my email has been open to her all the times as there is nothing to hide.

Still she claimed the I don't change at all and left me and the child didn't kiss him or say bye to me and left.

I don't get very upset as I use to do un the past but it is really discomforting. She may mot even eat her lunch or dinner. We will see.

[Moselle]

I'd taken few pictures on my iPad of our 9 month old child this morning. We'd him in a Haloween costume and as she wanted to show it her coworkers she emailed it to herself, while doing that she sow some family and friend emails which we just personal nothing related to any affair. One was sent to a younger brother who happened to have disappeared over the phone or email and the other was a young family friend whom I knew for six years just checking on me.

I'd gone out to get her prescription filled out and get some medicine from the minute clinic as I was feeling cold and congested. When I came back home in an hour everything was changed she wouldn't talk to me. She had changed her close to go to the hair salon and was leaving without even saying "hi". I persuaded her by following her to her walkin closet and she told me to check my email. I told her my email has been open to her all the times as there is nothing to hide.

Still she claimed the I don't change at all and left me and the child didn't kiss him or say bye to me and left.

I don't get very upset as I use to do un the past but it is really discomforting. She may mot even eat her lunch or dinner. We will see.

Thats a toughie. They do this. Mine just found my emails about BPD with a friend. She's going bezerk. I've learned to accept it. It is what it is.

There is something different this time for me. I've learned not to let it get to me (well it still does but not like it used to) She says I'm far too 'breezy'. I think that's her word for being grounded in the face of the rage. After working with this a bit, I've learned that all her blaming is her projection onto me.  That it's more about her than about me. This makes it easier to give a soft answer and remain able to function. It also helps that there are friends who know this now. I'm supported.

Do you have anyone you can rely on for a break from the nonsense?

I used the "politely excuse myself" strategy yesterday. I went into the kitchen to ask if I could help her with anything.

She said "yes, you can stop telling everyone that I'm mad". I turned on my heels without even looking at her and left the house for 3 minutes. When I came back. She was perfectly fine.

Good luck with yours Noah125. 

[Indyan]

2 and 4 are both healthy. 

The key is that it is our boundary not a rule.

A rule might be "You can't rage at me". This gives the power straight back to them. Because they'll break he rule as if to say "so what? "

A boundary says. "If you continue to rage at me, I'm going to have to leave this conversation."And if hey continue, leave. This takes control back because we own the consequence not them. 

I really feel for you when it lasts days, weeks or months. It tests the very limits of our strength

Amen.

It took me months to understand this myself, but now it's clear.

What makes the difference is WHAT WE DO when they cross our boundaries, NOT WHAT WE SAY about it.

[Indyan]

She said "yes, you can stop telling everyone that I'm mad".

[noah125]

I'm writing this at 3:37am, my 9 month old son sometimes waking me up. We'd been alternating the bedrooms as she claimed I snore and since two weeks I stopped that and kept the master bedroom as it was her who claimed to be a light sleeper and wanted a separate room.

Moselle, I thought you've now passed those stages as you mentioned 14 years, I do really commend you for coping out. I really am finding it difficult as mine gets so difficult at times. She started reading each and every email and found some emails exchanged with friends of the opposite sex whom I knew well before her and all the indication was there that I'd no relationship with them and even had sent them our wedding picture, which she saw as a proof, some of them I haven't even seen for last five years and the don't live in this continent. Oh my god she went crazy cried and said this is cheating. "She doesn't want to see me or the child and would runaway somewhere no one would ever find her." "She would never ask for a custody, she regrets having a child, she's grateful to god that she didn't buy a house with me, she would go to the doctor today and get a permanent birth control system so that she doesn't bring another child to this world. This was one of the rarest rages, She even slipped out that she decided not to buy a house with me a mont ago because I let my brother and his family who live 20 miles away visit us to see our son. Since she doesn't want to welcome no one and especially mine, she claimed I am mischievous and prearranged their visit to let her know the night before. I cook and cater most of the time whose ever family comes to the house though we've visitors very rarely, may be once every two months. I need help please. Since I cooked and served that Sept 28th lunch for four of "my family members" she reiterated that no one will come here for Christmas as we've already catered for them now. She claimed there is no family member for me except her and our son, that why I used the "... ." Sign. My sister in law had called for a Thanksgiving dinner and it was our turn to gather the family for Christmas, she is adamant claiming we've already hosted people in Sept and the is no more get together for the holiday. Imagine both me and her are blessed having a very good job and could maintain a decent living, but as she always makes big deal out of small healthy interaction with people we live isolated. Her best friend is her elder sister who'd let her stay in her house for two years before I took her and she's never visited us or the child for the last six months, though she lives 6 mikes away. I find it incomprehensible how human relations can be so complicated for the very small time we spend in this world.

Any one want to share ideas please I really need help. Thank you all for participating.

[Moselle]

Noah125.

So sorry you're up at all hours. That's when the stress really hits. Hang in there. 

Well done for posting.  Keep that up!   Put your feelings down, your experiences, your worries. It really helps over time. And it will get better. It really will.

There is no silver bullet here. I can share my experiences with you. And i see some of my struggles in your posts. It's tempting to try and share with you all that I've learned from over 200 hours on this site. But no two BPD's are the same. Mine has alot of NPD, which makes her very clever and devious but also highly functioning. I'm actually grateful for that. And the real learning comes from putting one step in front of the other and adding line upon line to your story.

I highly recommend two books which have been life changing for me. 'How to stop caretaking the BP NP' by Fjelstad and 'stop walking on eggshells' I think it's by Kreger.

It might help you to understand her life. Imagine living life without a skin to protect you from the sun? The second you walked into the sun, it would burn you with 3rd degree burns. This is how it feels for them emotionally.  The pain is very real and the thought of you leaving burns her like fire. So because she's so sensitive to it, she'll imagine things that arent real to us, but they are more than real to her. She's thinking "l'm worth nothing so of course he's having an affair" she'll fight any threat with fire, hatred, manipulation, anything. Same as your family.  Your relationships with anyone are a threat to her.

Her accusations and threats are actually about her, not about you. When I realised that and disciplined myself to remember it when she is going off her head, it suddenly wasn't so threatening.

Yes I am in the third stage of hatred and I have accepted it. I cannot change it. Have you seeen my little vision on my profile page. If you haven't have a look and see if anything resonates with you. Make your own.  

Noah125 my realisation is that I need to change. Take responsibility for my stuff and stop trying to control outcomes of hers. I could spend all my energy (and have before) on trying to change outcomes. The truth is actually counterintuitive. Looking after myself, not her is actually the kindest thing you can do for her. You can't control this, you didn't and don't cause it, and you certainly can't change it. Accepting this sets us free from having to help them.  And they start caring for themselves. The irony is that we need to get of their backs, get out of their way and get on with our lives for them to help themselves.

Oh and gather your strength when you try this because it'll cause something called an extinction burst. A rage aimed at stopping you from implementing changes. She's used to being in control, and will fight tooth and nail to maintain it.

Does that make any sense at all?

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and  Noah125.

I see lots of other members giving you good advice here.

I think you hit real close to the truth with this one.

I find it incomprehensible how human relations can be so complicated for the very small time we spend in this world.

The operative word is incomprehensible.

Her mind is disordered. She has feelings. She then re-frames the world to match her feelings. Then draws some crazy conclusions from there!

There are a lot of great tools here on how to communicate with her and how to improve the relationship.

Today I'm going to give you one basic thought: Hold tight to YOUR reality. You know what feels right and healthy when it comes to spending time with your family. Yes, your wife will blow a gasket over a Thanksgiving dinner. It would be normal, fun and healthy to host one or go to one (assuming your wife isn't completely dysregulated at the event!)

Don't let her convince you that your feelings, memories, motivations, thoughts, or fundamental reality are wrong!

(But beware--this isn't a license to argue with her to convince her that her reality is wrong. Doing that directly just makes things worse!)

 GK

[noah125]

Thank you all for participating and advising. My encounters with my wife come with different styles every time and like to share if anyone had a similar scenario.

She wants to die than "living in such a miserable marriage". Last Friday we were just chatting and in between the talks I said "if I die my son will hurt more but not you didn't care much so you don't loose".

Then started the nightmare of Friday night. She told me I always value blood relations than anything else and that is why I felt intimate to my child instead of her. I tried to explain saying that it was her who from time to time said she doesn't love me and why is it strange when I repeat it?

She went so mad that she said "she just wants a pill to kill herself" this time I took it like a joke and brought her a cough drop which I bought for me.

She repeats that it is better to die than live such a miserable life, I can't be married to her as I'm already married to my family. No one from my family has ever crossed her way, so this evening I asked her, " do you want all my relatives to die away to give you a comfort" ? "None of them has ever come and been a distraction in our marriage"  then she said "deep in your heart you know it that you always feel obliged to serve them and make them happy. And you even feel guilty that you are not able to do it now, so you are not going to have a successful marriage as you can never separate from your family and form a bond with a woman.

It was very very difficult as all her conversation was carried while getting enraged, because if I loose it once then I will be labelled the nasty and disrespectful one.

Finally this evening I asked her to take any action she wants if she is not happy or maybe loving someone else and I am willing to raise the child by myself. There the conversation stopped and we both went to our respective bedrooms to sleep as she didn't want to continue the conversation.

Please  share any idea you might have.

Thank you all again for the support.

[Moselle]

Thank you all for participating and advising. My encounters with my wife come with different styles every time and like to share if anyone had a similar scenario.

She wants to die than "living in such a miserable marriage". Last Friday we were just chatting and in between the talks I said "if I die my son will hurt more but not you didn't care much so you don't loose".

Then started the nightmare of Friday night. She told me I always value blood relations than anything else and that is why I felt intimate to my child instead of her. I tried to explain saying that it was her who from time to time said she doesn't love me and why is it strange when I repeat it?

She went so mad that she said "she just wants a pill to kill herself" this time I took it like a joke and brought her a cough drop which I bought for me.

She repeats that it is better to die than live such a miserable life, I can't be married to her as I'm already married to my family. No one from my family has ever crossed her way, so this evening I asked her, " do you want all my relatives to die away to give you a comfort" ? "None of them has ever come and been a distraction in our marriage"  then she said "deep in your heart you know it that you always feel obliged to serve them and make them happy. And you even feel guilty that you are not able to do it now, so you are not going to have a successful marriage as you can never separate from your family and form a bond with a woman.

It was very very difficult as all her conversation was carried while getting enraged, because if I loose it once then I will be labelled the nasty and disrespectful one.

Finally this evening I asked her to take any action she wants if she is not happy or maybe loving someone else and I am willing to raise the child by myself. There the conversation stopped and we both went to our respective bedrooms to sleep as she didn't want to continue the conversation.

Please  share any idea you might have.

Thank you all again for the support.

Noah, this is very difficult and I can empathise with you around this. Yes there are some things you can do. And these relationships can get better, much better. Have you had a chance to read the lessons, with the link on the right hand side of this screen. One thing I realised is that we need support lots of it from family friends, and here of course - nobody can handle this type of relationship alone. (which is actually why they try to isolate us - to control us)

Specifically around the pill thing. I'd be careful about being too flippant. Mine has also threatened it but when they are raging like that, they lose impulse control.

It took me 10 months of separation to actually decide that I love this woman and want to stay in the marriage of 14 years. One big lesson to me recently is not to enter into discussions about divorce at all. As soon as it goes there, it's best to exit the conversation. I'm geting to practice what I preach here because mine is on a serious divorce rant at the moment, saying similar stuff to we're "living in such a miserable marriage", she actually said "so this disgusting marriage has been worth it to you?". It's important to realise that 80% of what they say is actually about themselves, so I'm translating this into "I cant believe you want to stay married to me after all I've done". If I read it that way, I don't take it personally at all.

You wife's "living in such a miserable marriage" might be translated as "I feel and do terrible things, why is he staying with me?" Does it hurt so much now? Is it easier to have compassion for her pain?

One step, at a time Noah125. Have a look at the lessons. You'll get through this.