How to deal with separations

[AnnaK]

Life is such that it brings the need to separate for us quite frequently (we live in different countries)

Each time activates abandonment fears.

He needs to go visit family, I need to go to my country... .etc. Each time abandonment fears get activated (I also have some of mine, to be fair)

He is leaving to his family place for 3 weeks tomorrow, he is inventing stories about how everyone, including cleaning man, is going to attack me right away (never happened). I validated his fear, he confirmed - he is afraid to leave me alone (not justified, I am 37 years old and I live alone for the last 15 years of my life)

Any suggestions on how to make it better?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Is there a possibility of the two of you Skyping regularly to allay his fears?

I assume that he has a cellphone, and maybe you can check in with him regularly (daily or so?) to let him know you are OK?

Three weeks is a long time to be apart, and I know that when I'm away from my son who has BPD, I do get worried about him and how he is doing (his Dad and I are never separated for any reason, so I don't have that experience). I just check in with him by phone to hear his voice telling me he's doing fine--and not getting into any trouble   --to feel confident in the separation. Maybe your partner will feel better if you arrange for regular conversations? Just a thought... .

At this point he's already left for his trip, I guess. Has it gone well? Has he contacted you already? How are you doing?

[AnnaK]

Yeah, it's gone well after me validating his fears. He was telling me stories which looked highly improbable (like the guy who comes to collect garbage, would attack me)

I said, you are afraid to leave me. He looked relieved and said - yes, I am afraid. Then I said I will message him all the time about how it's going, and eventually we agreed for me messaging twice a day by whatsapp.

I don't really mind - my mother has similar fears and she disciplined me to check in with her all the time - otherwise she starts to believe I am dead.

As for him, he's out of danger - he goes to his family, they know him, even if he does get in trouble, they know how to deal with it.

[AnnaK]

I was just worried because the previous time I was going to Spain, he was very irritable, eventually punched me on the back (it did not hurt, don't worry), then kicked me out of the house (I picked up my already packed things and went, what should I have done?).

Then he could not contact me (my 3G was off because I was running out of saldo, and he did not guess to send me SMS - was using iMessages), then he called me and spoke relatively calm, so I did not worry... .but after I landed in Spain, I called him and found him in panic mode... .I did not realise it, started talking small talk, and suddenly I was startled by him asking in a very weird voice "SO YOU REMEMBER ME?" (we lived together for 3 months... .I was away for about 12 hours only)

I assured him that I am not crazy and don't forget people just because I spend 12 hours in the plane... .he then realised that he is in some dark place and managed to recover.

[Rapt Reader]

Wow... .I'm sorry for all of his fears and abandonment issues, AnnaK 

How is he doing today?

You are probably right that validation of his fears and concerns is about the best you can do to placate him, and letting him be confident in the knowledge that you are only a phone call (or whatever) away.

Maybe this trip will be better for him?

[AnnaK]

Yeah, this time it went well. We gave each other a hug like normal people and he went for his flight without going fist fighting at me :-) (which is not always the case... .laughing... .but you see, that's why I am doing martial arts)

However, this time he was leaving, and I was staying and as my mother rightfully pointed out once (she has her abandonment fears too) - "it's always harder for the one who stays".

Now he is probably sick, so his emotions are dulled (alcohol withdrawal, he has a drinking problem, but he was going to stay sober in family - let's see what comes out of it), I am messaging him twice a day like a good girl, telling my exact roundabouts, he occasionally responds (but he does not like to type on the phone).

He warned me that the phone reception is not good in his home area, so I better not call him on the phone... .

So far so good.