warming up the ice princess

[BrokenFamily]

About a month ago I was painted black for having porn in my browser history, I explained I was looking for the nude photographs of celebrities that were leaked and blew it off because I was working at the time. She insisted I was lying I was called names & treated badly, as result I asked her if she had anything better to do like spending time with our 15 month old daughter, study for her upcoming test or schedule her doctors appointment she's been procrastinating about. She flipped out said I was talking to her like a child and insisted I'm not her father. Before I even came home from work I was dumped she moved out and took our daughter to live with her mom, this has happened before and most of the time she will give me an apology and be bad the next day. Well the next day came and went without an apology : (Two days past, I was an emotional wreak and tried to reason with her explaning our family was too valuable to throw away and we need to stop allowing little fights to escalate. She agreed and needed a ride home from work, it was 12am I had the baby and picked her up from work and jumped in the back seat to avoid any conflict, I even explained I was crying all day and didn't want to get called names again, she agreed. about a block from our house she asked , if we should go to our house a block away or if I wanted to drop her off at her mom's , I told her I loved her and our family and wouldn't ever give up on us. She stated is I wasn't looking a porn being a pervert and creep there wouldn't have been a problem. I lost it asked her to pull over and made her walk home. < this in her mind was the final straw, I made her walk a 1/4 mile to her moms house even know she could have just walked a block to the home we have lived in for the last 3 years where me and her daughter were. I wasn't sure if this was seriously upset about all this or was looking for a reason to breakup but it only got worse with every passing day. I was a crying mess and she was just shutting me out like I never existed, I figured I'd give her time and she would come to her sences and remember we had an amazing life together just a few days prior she was saying how she was happier than she's ever been in her life! Only a few days after our split she added a new guy from her work on FB I guess they hit it off and started seeing eachother because that week he was posting statuses the he's the happiest guy in the world and she even liked it. I was beside myself with anger pain and shock! I messaged her told her I knew about him and how bad it hurts and she ended up going in a relationship with the guy in FB that night! She has me blocked so I had no idea until a mutual friend called me from over seas and asked me what happened, I said it's just another fight we will be back together, he responded I don't think so she's in a relationship with someone new ! So it's been about a month of me feeling hurt & crying and her going from saying she loves him to they are just seeing eachother to they are just friends, everyday it changes and most days she's showing no signs of remorse or depression over her family being pulled apart. When I need to drop the baby off at her house for work she isn't home she's at his house , when I try to do nice things and help her she flips over me not getting over it sooner and being a cry baby. Lately I've just been 100% supportive and kind, I talk about the good times and even got her to say she misses me the other night. I don't think I'm still painted all black but we have a long way to go to get back to where we were if we ever do.Unfortunately she is still bringing up things from the past I did wrong but isn't remembering at all why I did what I did. Example- i took a girl to a baseball game, I did so because she dumped me prior and had her friends tell me she was going with a different guy. I know I made mistakes but I've never once in my life initiated conflict or a fight with her, I do love her and treat her like a princess and her only complaints about me are always my reaction to her anger , rage and moods.as of today I've had our daughter for over a week, when I dropped her off she didn't want me to go and she cried daddy and was reluctant at first to go to mommy but I stayed as per Ex's suggestion calmed her down and the anxiety was less for the baby. She called me a few hours later being kinda nice and asked for directions. I hope they are having a good day, I love them both more than anything in the world.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itgirl]

Hi,

Sorry you are going through this.  I am also currently painted black.  We had another fight on my birthday and she left me.  However because of finances she will still live in the house till end Dec.  I think I will have a very difficult time ahead.

I don't really have any advice for you.  I just try and keep my side of the street clean.  I keep the routine and try and be the healthy person and not cry too much in front of her.  I have also radically stopped JADE'ing.  And I now get apologies from her for being nasty.  THAT has never happened before.

Good luck and keep us up to date on the melting of the ice

[Mono No Aware]

Hey David Julius,

One of the things that is very important to keep in mind is, "Before it can get better you have to stop making it worse."

So definitely read the Lessons, and get your mindset into one of a blend of:

A) constant vigilance,

B) easygoing-ness.

The vigilance is for your own emotional responses, you must master them so that you do not JADE (Justify, Attack, Defend, Engage).

The easygoing-ness is for your own well-being, you must learn to bend like the reed in the wind and let her mis-placed rage flow past you and be gone.

In the Lessons are also some important points about Validation (not making it worse by telling her what she feels is wrong) and Boundaries (not putting up with bad behavior).

Good luck man.

[MaroonLiquid]

I have learned to stay completely calm and when my wife becomes dysregulated, I simply say things like, "ok wife, have a good night", or "I can see you are upset and when ou are ready, we can work through this together."  When you remain calm and they don't, they realize you are doing things differently and changing.  They can either get with the program or not.