Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 05:57:39 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: D13 does not want to go to Mom's this week  (Read 410 times)
Boss302
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 332


« on: October 13, 2014, 09:04:24 PM »

Hi, all, hoping I can get some advice, as this one's a new one on me.

This week is D13's spring break. Per my custody orders she is with me this week, but BPDx wants to hang out with her. Personally, I'm OK with that, but D13 isn't. That's a new problem I've never had to deal with.

Background: BPDx's living arrangements have been EXTREMELY unstable. She currently lives in a hotel, which is embarrassing to D13. Mom also has no car, and depends wholly on other people for rides, so often times they're holed up in the hotel together, which drives D13 nuts. She lives with me primarily, and visits her mom three weekends per month. She has apparently expressed to her mom that this her living arrangements are not acceptable to her, but mom doesn't seem to be able to do much about it.

I'm encouraged that D13 seems to be coming out of the FOG when it comes to her mom, and I've been encouraging her to discuss her issues with her therapist, and have let her know she can come to me and let me know what's happening in their relationship too. She's in the process of figuring out what her boundaries are... .which is good, but makes situations like this difficult.

My concern is what BPDx will do to my daughter after this. We have a D18 who's off at school, and she's the "good child"; D13 is the "bad child.". D13 is afraid of the emotional backlash this will cause. I am too... .not for me (I could care less what she throws at me) but for my daughter. I am tempted to want to tell D13 to spend some time this week with her mom, but that feels to me like a retreat from her boundaries.

Any advice here?
Logged
mywifecrazy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 619


Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2014, 09:24:51 PM »

In my humble opinion I think you should support your daughters decision to uphold her boundaries. I know it's hard I don't want to sound flippant but your X needs to learn that what's best for the kids always comes first. I know it's hard with her having BPD but have you reasoned with her about your daughter not being comfortable hanging out in a hotel?

I feel for you Brother. She'll  probably just twist whatever you say around to her being a victim. Maybe you can just say NO and stick with the custody agreement. Tell her you already had plans. GOOD luck.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2014, 09:38:10 PM »

Tell your ex that per the custody agreement this is your week and you intend to exercise your right to spend that time with your daughter.  It will make you the bad guy and take your daughter out of the middle.

Good luck 
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Nope
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2014, 10:37:40 AM »

I agree with others that you should stick with the court order and help her with the boundary. However, you should follow up with a conversation with your daughter about the fact that this doesn't change anything with regard to the normal time she's scheduled to be with her mom. Allow her to think and talk through how she wants to handle any backlash. At the end of the day she needs to know that this is her relationship with her mother and that's something she will need to learn to navigate.
Logged
Boss302
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 332


« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2014, 07:14:01 PM »

Good suggestions, thanks!

Apparently BPDx is behaving with the news... .for now.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!